All wrong

 I feel like I did it all wrong. I know with grief there is no right or wrong. But maybe that’s why it feels wrong. There’s no sense to loss. Happiness, right now, feels impossible.  I feel like even though I didn’t survive an even that out son didn’t I have survivors guilt. I literally feel pain when, for seconds, may feel a twinge of happiness from time to time. 

We spent some time making candles from a kit we found going through his stuff.  The girls and a friend asked to put our tree up so we do have one.  Thought it’s only been up a few days I’m ready for the reminder to be gone.  The truth is I don’t need a reminder.  My heart and soul remind me all of the time.  

I survived Christmas Eve and felt a little proud of myself.  I only cried for a tiny bit in church.  My sister asked to come over after church which made the night feel different and got me distracted with her kids.  I decided to try Christmas morning breakfast with the in-laws with the ask that gift giving be minimized.  Our youngest is the youngest overall so it’s fine.  However, that’s not what happened and I went into a full on downhill slide into sadness.  We left immediately but it was too late.  I was done for the day.  I felt overwhelming sadness and exhaustion.  My body felt like it weighed hundreds of pounds and I felt as though I could sleep all day.  Today is much the same.  My face has been left red and puffy from intermittent uncontrollable crying  

I still have Christmas events to go and I’m not sure how to handle any of them.  I’m praying for Gods guidance and peace.  Lord I need some peace.  But what I know is that just because you survive one year isn’t a guarantee any of the following will be any easier. 

Beautiful, tall and strong

Then

 Today 

We donated money for Cole’s Christmas present this year. Us and the grandparents gave his regular Christmas money to a local conservation place that he always loved. It had been awhile since we all went as a family but with the money we donated they planed a tree in a place the kids loved.  We decided today this is our new Christmas tradition to come tell him Merry Christmas and pray together. It was less than 40° but sunny and beautiful so we walked the trail together before our prayer.  Chelsi did a lovely job. The tree is a red oak. It will be tall and strong like our son and even if the day comes when we have to sell our home he is now in a place we can visit anytime we want. 

Lots of tears this morning but a beautiful day. 

More change

The is is me.  This is how I handle stress.   I need control (OCD) so I change things.  Sometimes it means buying but more often it means clutter control 

It was time for a small change. We both wanted recliners but never really looked because all recliners look the same. We browsed a furniture store one Saturday looking for matching end tables and one of these barrel style, swivel recliners was sitting there. As soon as I sat in it I told him we had to replace our old swivel chairs.  They swaddle you in, no power, no handle and they’re super comfy. Just what I needed to just be by myself and cuddle up when I want. 

Then after I picked the color I realized the light gray couch was standing out and you couldn’t see the khaki colors inside the tweed so we opted for a @tjmaxx throw and some @amazon pillow covers to help them out. Exactly what we need. I don’t care what anyone says. I love the neutral aesthetic I accidentally have going on here. 

Anytime I need little items like the perfect throw TJ Maxx always comes through.  But seriously if you like a modern twist on recliners check out these Best brand chairs!

#neutralaesthetic #amazonfinds  #lovetjmaxx 

Comfort food

This is the viral spicy cucumbers that I made for my daughter and snacked on a bit because she forgot to take them to college with her. Lol

Final result

Dakgalbi with a side of mandu. I finally got the mandu to be a little pan fried on the bottom and the rest steamed to perfect.  I saw someone on instagram cook dakgalbi and thought it looked so yummy.  I was needing some Korean comfort food and this fit that need.  

A quickish run to the nearest Asian market for fresh bok choy and Korean sweet potatoes and I was ready. Add tteokbokki, gojuchang,onions and all of the right spices and it was a two pan meal. This served 4 (2 hungry young men) and leftover for two work lunches.  It was SO good and so easy in comparison to most Korean dishes. 

Will absolutely make again. 

 

Ebb and flow

 

The ebbs and flows of grief are exhausting. With me being in the middle of menopause I already struggle with being all over the place but grief greatly exacerbates that.  I feel like I’m up to anything one day and crying over anything and everything the next. 

I went to visit one of my college girls last weekend and came home to a package on our front porch from my cousin.  She had given me this picture with a little sheet explaining kintsugi; the art of repairing cracks with gold. I wasn’t sure where to put the beautiful picture but then realized exactly what needed to be with it. 

Having others in your lives and knowing that they are still thinking about you almost 9 months later means the world. She even wrote notes on the back and told me how they pray for our son and us every night.  That’s the comfort that I still need in the journey.  This, I know, is a long journey. One that I don’t know how to handle and no one can tell me how. I am trying to figure out my limits on things.  And I change my mind often.  And you do this all while trying to keep things somewhat level for the kids I have left.  But the one thing I really feel is that this year is about the 6 of us and having special time together. Time to just be together and make new memories and time remember our lives before. 

This holiday season

 So far. 

I’m a mom who has always focused on the kids and family and making the holiday happy and memorable. This year, even with the youngest at 16, the kids are old enough to know that I need self care.  This means doing whatever to get by.  

So far it has been not worrying about making holiday cookies in bulk to share with neighbors, coworkers and the postman.  This years it’s stopping the house cleaning because I like the way the sky looks sad like me but with a small line of light through it while the other half of the sky was somewhat brighter. Maybe that’s what I identify with right now?  

And after  quick stop by visit from one of the college kids and the microwave blowing and quickly finding a reasonable replacement, just sitting in the living room (rearranged again) and cuddling up with a thick blanket and hot chocolate in one of my favorite mugs. 

Dreading the actual next part of the season but trying not to think about it.  I’ve shopped for the kids and gotten what I need to for their Christmas. The rest isn’t necessary.  I’m realizing how much we put on ourselves constantly that doesn’t need to be. Enjoy time with family, pray for the safety, health and well being of that family, work to pay our bills and live.  Live more simply.  Which comes back around to enjoying time with family. 

For me. Right now.  Time with family means this little family of 6.  I love the rest of our family too but I need special time with them. They are my life and my breath.  

Prayers for all of those parents out there struggling with their first holiday season without a child like us. Cry often. Give yourself grace. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel.  

One at a time

 I’ve almost made it through. One of my firsts without you.  Now that the actually day is done and today we’re doing something together but completely different it doesn’t hurt as bad.  I’m thankful my family adjusted for me. I needed everyone to not say what day it was and do things completely different. I needed it to feel like somewhat of a normal day but be around.  I cried for a lot of the day.  A lot.  I got teary eyed most of the rest of the time.  But I was able to laugh while we played cards and just had a normal dinner together.  Extremely thankful for my brothers timing. He never is home on this day but he drove home and it made it feel just like a visit with him which is so much of what I needed.  I probably wouldn’t have left the house if he hadn’t. 

Today it’s just us. I need one day for just us. I’ve never cooked a big meal with everything so we made sure all of the kids could be home. We have already prepped the ham, the sweet potatoes, cheesy potatoes and turnips. I baked a cherry pie that I buy uncooked from a local church and I spent a whole lot of tears making Coles favorite pecan pie recipe that he and I used to make together and he learned to make on his own. 

If you’ve ever hurt this much then you know how it feels to be panicking trying to find that same recipe back and crying when you think you can’t. Crying because the crust doesn’t want to roll out or it’s too flaky to get from the counter to the pie pan.  Mostly I think I was just crying because I tried to hide what day it was from my mind but it still knew. My body still knew. I can’t hide it. 

It reminded me of 10 plus years after we lost our first baby and I was walking to work one day and felt a sudden sadness wash over me and I had tears streaming down my face.  I walked to my cube not knowing why I was crying. When I saw the date I realized it was the day we lost our first one probably more than 10 years before.  My body remembered. Something about the air, the wind, the sun that day reminded me of what happened without me really being aware.  

Those are going to come for me again now.  A mother’s body remembers when a piece of her heart was taken. 

I’m thankful for what remains   But I need grace and time to allow me to continue to grieve what I miss  

30 years

 30 years of being married. Over 32 together.  

Someone asked if it felt like a lot. The truth is yes.  We’ve been through a lifetime together.  We had gone through a tremendous amount long ago.  We’ve lost children.  Acquired health conditions.  Watched our children suffer. Prayed so often for our little family. 

We have fought against each other and fought to stay together.  Wanted to give up and then we realize there’s not something better out there. It’s so hard.  We’ve definitely felt the weight of everything we’ve been through adding to our relationship.  But we don’t have a choice. We’ve never had a choice. We either choose to give up or keep fighting through. 

I’ll find her

 I know whatever is next for me is still waiting for me to find. I have ALWAYS wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I have loved them all through good and bad.  I can honestly say I have loved them unconditionally through hurt and mistakes.  I will always love them. 

With the holidays coming,whether I like it or not, I’m looking deeper into my life.  I’m realizing that I can be more than just a mom.  I’m finding out, the hard way, that I now need to learn to take care of me.  I saw a movie that explained that there’s a reason they make the parent put the oxygen mask on before putting on the child.  If we don’t take care of ourselves we can’t take care of them. 

Between heart surgeries, adoption processes, life altering accidents and life I’ve done a lot on autopilot. We were always just getting by and I want to do more than get by.  I want to do more than put myself last.  I want to look back and not just see pictures but vivid memories and feel the comfort and love of family and friends. 

Does that mean I’m ready for full fledged holidays this year?  Not at all.  I’m dreading them with every fiber of my being. My house is my safe place where I can pretend, somewhat, like they’re not here and therefore I don’t have to acknowledge who is missing.  I may stay here in that place. I may be brave enough to come out. I will know when the time comes. 

Just please don’t minimize my feelings and inability to move yet.  Please just help me and be there for me instead.  I promise I’ll try harder every year. But this year.  I just need to grieve that holidays loss.  The holidays were the time when I could absolutely count on my little chicks being back in the nest and spending time with them. I have to figure out how I can do that without one.  I will figure it out.  I need strength, time and grace. 

#holidaygrief  #holidaysafterloss

One sad mom to another

 https://abedformyheart.com/grateful-and-grieving/

As I sit here recooperating from a surgery I have been finding myself extremely anxious about the holidays that will come and go without regard to me or my heart.  I’ve been scouring the internet for blogs from a universe of moms who have gone through this before me and explained what they have done to survive the rest of the year.  There’s no one size fits all.  After so much reading I still haven’t found something that feels right to get through two very busy holidays.  

The blog I linked here did a good job of explaining what moms are going through after the loss of their children. And there’s no limit to just the first holidays without.  They’re limited by what that mom can handle.  I feel oddly comforted as I cry reading blog after blog of moms who are trying to help new grieving moms like myself.  

All I know is that I want these holidays to either pass by unnoticed or change up the tradition so much that it’s unrecognizable and maybe it won’t feel like he’s missing the holiday it will just feel like a gathering that he didn’t make it home for. 

It’s so hard to explain to anyone how you feel. I think most moms would agree that no one loved anyone on this Earth like a mother so when the child is lost first a mother doesn’t know what to do. In ways she feels like she’s just aimlessly roaming this world.  Caught between trying to take care of her remaining children the way she used to and trying to redefine herself with the huge gaping hole that is left of her.  The holidays amplify that hole and make it more obvious.  

Love to all those moms out there this year whether it’s your first or you are years in. 

Creating new beauty

 

My front area needed a change earlier this fall and that’s a good time to move plants if you’re going to.  I had some overcrowding and needed to move a planter.  I had this little boy fishing for years because it always reminded me of my older boys but I had it back in a corner. The kids made the handprint stones back in 2011 and I had them scattered.

It was time to put the little boy fishing in the middle surrounded by the handprints of the 4 youngest kids.  I know Cole has his younger siblings watched over. He always cared about them and I know he still does.

I’d like to say I’m good and my heart is good but it’s still minute by minute some days. I truly understand how difficult the holidays are for people in certain situations.  I know I have a lot to be thankful but this whole year has been rough and I’m not looking forward to the holidays. 

I’m really big on reusing where possible.  Finding new uses for things when you need a change or something is no longer working.   You can take something you’re tired of and make it new and beautiful.  It doesn’t always mean more money being spent.

#firsts #firstholidayswithoutyou #missyoueveryday 

Privacy

 I’ve been wanting more privacy in our front door for awhile. Delivery people or anyone could see right in the house.  For $10 I bought a roll of the vinyl rain glass cling, cut it, sprayed it and had it on in maybe 30 minutes.  I love it! 

Seriously if it have a door that needs this don’t hesitate. I just used my credit card and a blade to cut it to size. But you can also buy a kit. 

Comment if you want a link. 

Last step

 

The box is what’s mine to keep for next year.  I kept a little extra just in case.  The ones on the flat are extras for friends and family.  I had SO many!!  But now they’re cleaned off and packed in shredded paper for the Winter.  

Another thing off my to do list. 

Canna Lilly digging

 

The summer is over.  It was time. 

I started these little raised beds with 6 bulbs from an online farm. I couldn’t find any local bulbs that promised 4’+ cannas.  So I took the chance. 

I planted them towards the end of March.  By June they were a couple feet and by July they were between 4-6 feet tall and had multiplied into a beautiful privacy hedge.  I loved these. So tropical looking and so thick.  They also attracted humming birds and butterflies. 

We’ve had our first frost and the leaves started to shrivel so it was time to cut them down and dig up the bulbs for wintering.  I had no idea what to expect when I was all done I had over 30 bulbs. 

I’m giving most of them away  I kept the ones that I wanted and have friends and family taking the rest.  I’ll be ready for March to plant them again and see what my wintered bulbs produce.

#cannalily #gardening #winterprep

Til next year

Summer is over for the pool. I went from still dipping my toes in one week to testing it in warm fall clothes the next.  I do all of the maintenance for our pool all season.  It’s really not too bad if you keep up on it and don’t let it get away  I don’t strip test it  I use actual reagents that are far more accurate and only add things like acid, borax calcium or baking soda.  I have the pool balanced and water lowered before the company comes out to close.  Fairly natural and it makes it easier.  I do NOT blow out lines or put the cover on  I hire someone at a discounted rate to do that.  We don’t add any winter chemicals.  Just raise the chlorine before closing and make sure it’s balanced.  The only clean up in spring is whatever dirt gets under the cover or worms that crawl in.  But we have a dolphin and she does a great job of spring cleaning.

The yard is almost ready for the winter after all of the seeding we did earlier this fall.  No more outdoor maintenance time to try to relax a little bit if possible.

By April we’ll be ready. 

Au revoir! 

#poolclosing #poolmaintenance #winteriscoming

Transition to

 Halloween…temporarily 

I haven’t decorated for Halloween in awhile. We didn’t have too many trick or treaters and the kids were getting older. But now we have more kids coming for candy and my niece and nephew stop by so I wanted to do something that didn’t mean a lot more storage space. I like minimal where possible. 

So Amazon to the rescue for some light up eyes, spider webs and spiders to go with my awesome @hobbylobby  grapevine light up pumpkins.  

The great thing is I can just pick up a few things when Halloween is over and then I still have my fall decor out until I switch to Christmas  

#simplehalloweendecor #falltohalloween 

Salt and pepper?

 I finally got rid of the old and fogged acrylic salt shaker and pepper grinder. I found cute ones on Amazon that were perfect along with some other items that made sense.  

What I love is that these grinders are upside down. So no pepper on the counter from just being set there.  They work really well. I’ve used both and I generally do my cooking right there so it’s easy access. And the little salt cellar was not something I was looking for but something I found to be a good addition for table salt. It comes with a little wooden spoon to throw into a recipe or onto your food.  

The cute little soap pump I just wanted to lighten the area a bit and the matte gold matched my lighting from last year.  The cute little lady susan keeps it all together and easily pushed out of the way if need be. The wood tone on the lazy susan is a pretty warm wood color that just goes well in my kitchen. 

❤️❤️

Clean house with kids

 Over the decades of adulthood I have been asked how I keep the house clean. Regardless of 5 kids or now adult kids coming and going.  

The vacuum in the dark secret is one that I figured out this year when I bought this little stick vacuum with a headlight. So easy to get all of the dirt now and no more coming into the kitchen and seeing all of the missed dirt in the morning light.   Bonus!  While doing this it lights up any smears on the cabinetry and I can quickly wipe them. I do regular wipe our cabinets to keep them free of grime. And if they get smear spots next to the knobs that don’t come off with soap and water I just switch to Murphys Oil Soap and the cabinets are shiny and beautiful again. 

The key to keeping your house clean is not necessarily always cleaning and ignoring your family. The key is to pick up the little messes. Teach your kids the same. Not that this ever once worked on their bedrooms.   

A clean house relaxes me. 

In my dreams

 In my dreams I hope to see you. 

I ask you to visit me. 

Your hug feels real. 

Our conversations are real. 

These dreams make me happy.  

Last night I had that dream. I haven’t had one in awhile but you visited last night.  I woke up before 5 this morning and couldn’t really go back to sleep. I just kept thinking about the dream and you. You in your button up black shirt. I don’t know whatever happened to that shirt of yours.  You spoke to me like you had only been gone shortly. You said something about two weeks but I don’t understand what you meant. You said you weren’t dead. That was the word you used.  I asked for a hug and you hugged me.  I can still feel your hug tonight.  I told you through tears how much I loved you and told you that you would never really understand just how much I truly loved you.  

A mom tries to tell and show their children, in life, how much she loves them but they never truly understand the limitless love of a mother.  Limitless through their mistakes and disappointments and limitless through death.  I still love him. I always will.  These kids of mine mean the world to me. Every one of them special to me.  Everyone of them takes up a piece of my heart that will never heal with their absence. They ARE what made it whole when the youngest arrived 15 years ago. 

Hug your kids. Take photos with them. Take the videos to hear their voices. 

Pumpkin decor

 AND here are the annual grapevine pumpkins from Hobby Lobby.  I love these so much. They’re truly something that lasts from September until Christmas decorations is ready. I may have to replace the mums by then but these two are such pretty Fall decorations that are just Simply Fall

Fall pretties

 Finally.  I got rid of the old wooden bench that I got from a rummage sale 10 plus years ago. Replaced it with a nice heavy pot from Amazon and bought some mums that some local kids were selling as an FFA fundraiser. Bought a couple of smaller pots for the other two mums and got rid of all the fake stuff.  I have since added my Hobby Lobby pumpkins that I love putting out every year.  I will update with that. 

Sometimes we need to fall into a change. 

#ffamums #frontporchdecor #fallflowers

To my little boy

 You were my first hope for a good life.  When I was in first grade and my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I replied a nurse and a mom.  

When we lost our first baby at 22 weeks I was devastated.  I was questioning God daily.  I was struggling with faith and struggling with life.  I cleaned and curled into a ball to cry myself to sleep every night.  A couple months later we found out you were on the way.  After you were born we were told about your condition but I didn’t care.  Once the cardiologist confirmed you would live, I was happy.  

For 27 years we tried to protect you, teach you and keep you safe on this Earth with us.  Your last heart surgery was 10 years ago the week you died.   Even though it wasn’t your heart that actually caused you to leave we can’t help but think it had an impact on how you lived your life.  You were always very convinced you were on borrowed time.   You weren’t but I couldn’t convince you otherwise.  You enjoyed every second of your life.  You were an energetic boy that never stopped and a boy with a tolerance to pain more than any human can imagine.  You were extremely strong in every way. 

Now I’m trying to be strong and make you proud of me.  I would have done anything to keep you here.  My fight as a mother was always the strongest thing I had in me.  Daily, I’m working to let go of the would haves or should haves  the what ifs that have consumed me since you left.  I leave my dreams and my prayers and God to ensure you know just how much I love you and it’s so much more than you could ever have imagined.  If I had had the chance to hug you one more time I would never let go.  It would hurt because I would squeeze you so hard that you couldn’t breath.  And I would get to feel you hugging me, bending over the way you had to to reach me. 

6 months is nothing in the span of our lives but it’s been the impactful and painful 6 months of my 50 years of life.  6 months without you is something that even though I have  lived it it’s incomprehensible and seems like a long time now.  This feels like someone else’s life.  Others lose their children so I can keep the feeling less personal; not me.

I love you more than words.  More than anyone could even imagine.  I will love you until God brings me to you when my time here is done.  Until then I am here to give your brothers and sisters my all and love them the same.  It will be a little diluted from the piece of my soul that is missing.

And these videos I will treasure forever.  To see him move and his expression gives me just a second of feeling like he’s still with me.  And I feel him once again in my heart as if he’s here with me.