I love you

This may be a mix for now, awhile or forever.  A mix of saving money and a mix of a journal for me.  A way for me to remember my son and my feelings as I try to navigate the rest of my life without him.  I sent him the text below a couple of days after the news.  I had to tell him one more time. 

The last few mornings I woke up crying immediately.  Yesterday was a little better.  I didn't cry right away.  Today, I woke up super early and though I'm not sobbing uncontrollably as I have I'm just sadder than yesterday. I can feel him.  I can remember what it was like hugging him.  And because he towered over my 5'5" frame at 6'5" tall, I always wrapped my arms around his mid torso.  Unless he bent down that's just what I had to do.  He only bent down for all of his grandmothers.  I can still see him in my house.  I can see him in the doorway of the hall to my room as he would come in there to say something or standing at the top of the stairs as he came for a visit or was getting ready to leave and came to say goodbye.  

The last time he left......2 weeks ago, he was going to be here while I was gone to work so that he could get some business done locally.  I said goodbye the night before and kept the security video of him leaving that morning.  It was a weird habit I had anytime the kids left.  Those never got deleted.  I have him talking to Ruger that morning and I'll forever get to hear his voice because of that.  I'm thankful for that.  I miss his voice already.  We didn't talk everyday.  He was very busy with long days at work and friends beyond measure.  But he always called for news, recipes and how tos.  And the last minute calls to say he was coming home.  

I pray I can feel his hugs forever, in my mind.  I pray I can here the way he would say "what?!" and smile REALLY big.  I have videos of his childhood and some of the faces he made in those never really changed.  We've been looking back on those and smiling.  They don't make me sad. They make me remember and feel.  I don't ever want to not feel even when the pain hits.  

Drive your older kids crazy.  Whip out the phone.  Take the 5 second videos and quick pics so you have their smiles, their voices and their funny expressions.  Don't regret a second.

Cole. I don't even know what to say. There isn't enough space to say it all.  I love you so much. I have loved you since the day I found out we were having you. You are amazing.  You were the kids I prayed to have and the kid I prayed for daily for God to walk with you and keep you safe. I guess he wanted you back. I will never ever understand.  I try not to question this stuff anymore. It's exhausting to do so. I only wish I had more time with you. I still see you standing in the doorways towering up the top.  Washing your red dirt clothes from OK so you can go to bed after a long drive here. Seeing you play video games and chat with Jaemin always made my heart melt.  I wish I had told you.  I said what I felt so I don't have a lot of regrets. I always wanted to make sure you knew I loved you no matter what. Even when we disagreed. I hope you truly knew it was never being said just to be said. I feel tremendous love for all of you. You were the first I loved like that. I hope you're looking down on all of us who loved you. I know you'll keep us all safe.  You always saw angels when you were little so I guess God just kept you close because you were special. I always wanted to see how your story turned out. I always felt like you were here to impact this world. I lm sad you didn't fully get the chance.  But those of us who got you feel the impact.  Those of us who were fortunate to love you.  Those of us God felt worthy. You were a free spirit who never apologized for being different. That's what made you....you.  I promise we will always talk about you.  I promise we won't let the world forget you.  I always said Jaemin was the final piece that sealed up my heart but now it's cracked and definitely broken. It can never really be healed. Just taped and bandaged together.  You always knew you wouldn't live forever.  Your heart condition gave you a different outlook on life that I guess I thought was negative but I'm glad you saw that you needed to live every single day and celebrate every single day. Jaemin told me the other night that he knew you were happy.  I'm glad he saw that. I love you my baby boy. With all of my heart and my soul and I will until I see you again. We can still talk though. I will talk to you like I do my grandmas. Give them all hugs please. One of your really good ones. I love you.  God I love you so damn much. It hurts to love some one so much. I thank God I got to love you for 27 years.  Goodbye.