New year

 

After a really rough year down to the bitter end the new year has come. I ended the year not only struggling with our first holidays without a vital person in my life but had lipoma removal surgery on my back and right before that started healing had another basal cell cancer removed on my front.  I’m finally able to do Pilates again.  

That makes me sound like a health nut. I’m not.  Between grief and menopause (7 months) I found that Pilates makes me feel better.  It was helping the arthritis in my hand from my scooter accident a few years ago as just my well being.  It really does bring my stress level down so when I couldn’t do it during the holidays because of all of my incisions I think it amplified everything. I had no outlet at all. But I also spent a lot of that time with extra prayer.

Because that season is supposed to be a time of joy and for the life of me I couldn’t find any I prayed. I prayed for peace, joy and happiness.  I’m realizing how different those three things are. Since the new year I haven’t had a breakdown.  I’ve been functioning in acceptance….for now.  I know that while I’m doing okay at the moment it could change on a dime.  I’ve learned the steps of grief aren’t a straight line through each point.  They’re a jumbled mess of repeating the steps and zigzagging through.  Im learning to accept this. 

I’ve had people ask me if I take anything for the anxiety and while I have some mood pills from Amazon that helped that first week I’ve chosen not to take any in the past few months. I’ve chosen to really feel all of the grief.  I’ve chosen to get through it and feel it as I do. I feel like this might be what’s best for me after I spent the summer ignoring grief and hiding from it.  That did NOT work.  I’ve also learned that if you’re not here to help me and stand by me but call yourself friend or family then I can’t have you in my life right now.  I will not spend my time catering to others when I’m just trying to get through and will not explain myself.  I’m still trying to be a good person but give me some room here.  

If you’re out there struggling with the first year or years with loss then give yourself some grace. Give yourself permission to extend the grace to yourself that you would extend to someone you love just the same.