I've been "chatting" with a mom who received a sibling call a month or so ago. It's amazing how much you truly do not understand until you've been in this situation. This particular family was unable to accept. I believe for financial, which I can truly appreciate. She's been trying to find out if the baby's referred family will know the baby is a sibling to their child so they can have "some" sort of contact. She said the agency (I don't know who) is not helping at all. The agency only let the family have a week to make their decision, is acting like they're unable to help put them in touch with the other family, etc. She's going to try to write a letter and forward it to the family through the agency, but is unsure it will do any good.
To me this is so terribly sad. You truly get very little information with these calls. They're very vague. The fact that their agency couldn't give them a little more time is just wrong. I've seen other family's have time to begin fundraising before giving a definitive answer on siblings. The other problem she and I discussed is how the agencies don't seem to understand that it's just not as simple as a yes or no answer. Money is an enormous factor. It's very different purposely walking into an adoption process and having one sprung on you in a matter of a week and before you know it you're knee deep in papers again. I truly wish their were grants for families like ours and these others. I would like to start one, but don't have a clue where or how to begin. I hate that other families are in this situation similar to ours and have to decline purely for this reason.
I mean how many people can suddenly with one week's thought decide to have another child? In one week, the family has to consider the dynamics of their family, the money they will have to get through a loan to pay for the adoption, and simply adding a child in a VERY short amount of time that they had not planned. I get the argument that it's the same as suddenly becoming pregnant...yes and no. You do already feel this could be your child, but you did nothing to put out the possibility of having another child. And in most cases you do NOT get 9 months to prepare. We had 2 months!
I hope the agencies do more to support families during this time, if it approaches. I was aware it could happen , but it's just different actually being there. Thinking you know what you'd do and proceeding are two very distinct things. Is it wrong to accept...NO. Is it wrong to decline the referral....NO! These families have to do what's best for them at the time. The thing is, how do you know what's best for your family in 1 week! I hope agencies realize they need to give families more time. I don't think they're all this way, but I do think/know some are. Can they try to support these families just a little more. Realize the magnitude of the situation and feel for them as people?
I'm absolutely not speaking of our situation. We had heard from other families the time period to decision is pretty short, but they really didn't give us a timeline. We decided fairly quickly, within a week, but we were fortunate. Not everyone's situation is as clear and easy to make that decision. Our agencies were great. While I would have liked to have worked more closely with our homestudy agency since we were familiar with them, etc., we didn't get the choice. You are at the mercy of whichever Korean agency the birth mother places at and then whichever US agency the Korean agency releases them to. It's not necessarily convenient.
So some of the reasons we chose to accept instead of decline; we tried to put money aside first, so we would not get stuck on that. That either is or isn't. Did we feel ready and could we do everything else for this little man? We first went to Brian's mom since she provides daycare to make sure she had room in daycare for him. That was one thing we felt strongly about so he would have an easier transition by being with his sister and around a caregiver he would see at other times other than daycare days. After that was taken care of we had spoke with each other already, but then we talked to all the parents (grandparents) to get their input. We eventually realized they weren't for or against it. They were for whatever we could make work. But, we did feel some reluctance in all of their attitudes and voices. But, we realized that was probably for fear for us. They knew this was big. We finally gave a small version of the story to the kids because unless they were for it we would not pursue. We did not want them to feel slighted in anyway. Last, I needed to talk to someone who was not a close friend or family member. I needed someone slightly removed to help me think about it. I spoke to our priest and he was wonderful. I talked to him about my fears and concerns. He told me some stories and talked to me for a bit and then I left after we decided to watch for God's signs for the most important concerns/fears I had. Brian and I discussed the money part and decided we did not have enough, nor did we have the option of a personal loan again. A couple of days, after the weekend was over, I had thought of an idea about how we could make our home loan work for us by refinancing for a lower rate and we were given a small gift. Refinancing worked out perfectly. It was exactly what we needed to feel "safe" with it. That and another concern were relieved and we were ready. We felt we were being led very directly and must proceed.
Other families do not get this choice. They don't get the answers they're looking for. Things don't fall into place and they don't feel at peace immediately when they have to say no. They anguish. We anguished. It an enormous decision. I woke up the very first night we found out about J to go to the bathroom and thought "oh this didn't really happen" and then I realized it did and I just felt sick. It's that big of a decision. I didn't feel sick because I didn't want him. I felt sick because I was so unsure what to do and did want him and was afraid we'd have to say no. I cried a lot. We talked so much those days. We talked about what happens if we do and what happens if we don't. In the end, Korea wasn't sure if J would even be adopted into the US, but may remain for adoption in Korea. That worried us that he would never be told he has a sister and they would never ever know each other. Then we realized that our biggest regrets in life would be not having him here with us. We would never regret having him in our lives. That, in the end, won over everything.
So, if you're reading this and thinking you would absolutely say yes, no matter what. Great. But, you may find your answer surprising. It's fine what anyone's personal decision is on this as long as we remember it's to each their own. You cannot condemn or think low of someone who cannot accept and is not in that lucky situation. And I do pray that those who cannot are not in this situation. It's hard enough if you can, in the end.
Lisa
