I think that's how I describe my feeling right now. This isn't happening to a close friend, but close enough that I feel awful, somber, sad, thankful, all rolled into one.
A friend found out after battling breast cancer just last year, cancer is back but in vertebrae and liver. It's not good. I think about their kids. I think about her as a mom and how close she and the kids are to each other. I just can't imagine and don't want to. It's too sad and hard.
I woke up the day after I found out in such a good mood. I couldn't figure out why and then I realized that it was because I was so thankful for the life I have. I was not living her nightmare.
I pray that there's some miracle. That they're wrong. That she survives so much longer than the statistics. That somehow she beats it. She's entirely too young. They're entirely too young. It's not right or fair.
I'm just sad.
Showing posts with label Prayers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prayers. Show all posts
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
Sometimes
being a parent is not so rewarding.
I'm finally feeling better 2 weeks after influenza and bronchitis. Literally yesterday was my "I know I'm better" day. I was no longer nauseous and extremely fatigued. I could barely get through the day for the past two weeks. I've never been so tired. Now, I'm back to myself.
And now that I have energy, I guess I have the energy to let things bother me and worry me again. Why is it that kids can make a mom feel so inadequate? I mean most of us do or at least really try hard to do our best. We try to give them the right amount of nurturing while letting them get a little further out on the ledge and while you're doing that your teenagers make you feel as bad as they possibly can. The little kids? They still love holding your hand and adore you. Chelsi still respects me and cares about disappointing us. Jaemin loves to kiss my cheeks, my nose, my forehead. Not the big kids. The teens and preteens live to worry me and then when I try to discuss I get eye rolling, disrespect or disgust. At times I begin to think Cole's starting to outgrow some of it, but maybe it's because he's getting his way? I don't mean we're giving in or anything like that, but he's ultimately happier because he made his way back to Varsity wrestling. He cares about the way it looks, regardless if he wins or loses. I wish he could see past that importance and realize that being on JV is sometimes a necessary stepping stone like college is to having a better chance at a stable livelihood. Don't get me wrong I'm pretty happy that he didn't fight me on registering him for his first shot at the ACTs for April, but at the same time he has such low expectations for himself. I find myself constantly trying to build him up, yet sometimes I wonder how hard he really tries to help himself and in the end that's the only thing that will help his life. Chase gets irritated at me for lecturing Kaelin on her continuous lying to me. I understand it gets old. Trust me it gets old, but it's necessary to do it until she gets that it's not worth lying over really stupid little things. Chase is definitely at tween that thinks he's always right, but has totally normal annoying habits and gets irritated at everyone when everyone gets irritated at him. Kaelin is fast on his heels of tweenhood. She's so impulsive and trying to get her to just slow down seems to be such a trying part of her and my relationship. I don't want to break her, but break her of this habit so she has better control over her life.
Needless to say my little chit chats with the older ones have increased. Cole mostly seems more open to them, but maybe he's figured out how to humor me? He's definitely smart enough for that. Kaelin's much the same. Chase snaps back. He takes offense.....he's too much like me. Why is it that our kids get my worst traits? Why can't they have some of the good ones? If they only knew, really knew, just how much I worry and want the best for them. I really want Cole's grades to be a B average so he can get the discount on his car insurance and earn us paying 1/2. Regardless of some teachers desire to make school miserable and see how many kids they can fail without reasoning through why they do poorly in areas (that's another day for that one). I don't want to see Chase struggle so much. He does study hard most of the time, but I think he got my and M's poor test taking skills and that's not a good thing. Kaelin does fine grade wise for now, but I'd like to see her care more for others. I tell them I know they're not perfect and I don't expect perfection, I just worry about the bigger things that can really impact their future lives. I pray for the best for all of them and pray that some of the stuff we talk about sinks in. I pray that they realize I'm not trying to be a nag, I just care. I pray that they realize I don't enjoy disciplining them by grounding from their favorite things for what seems like constant, I just want them to learn. I pray one day they realize just how much I love and care for them and that they realize that they are my everything and their happiness is so important to me. Like I told Kaelin the other night. It's easier for a parent to not punish than to punish. Those who don't, don't care.
God, please watch over my kids and protect them and help them to make good, kind, caring decisions throughout their lives that are for the better of everyone.
I'm finally feeling better 2 weeks after influenza and bronchitis. Literally yesterday was my "I know I'm better" day. I was no longer nauseous and extremely fatigued. I could barely get through the day for the past two weeks. I've never been so tired. Now, I'm back to myself.
And now that I have energy, I guess I have the energy to let things bother me and worry me again. Why is it that kids can make a mom feel so inadequate? I mean most of us do or at least really try hard to do our best. We try to give them the right amount of nurturing while letting them get a little further out on the ledge and while you're doing that your teenagers make you feel as bad as they possibly can. The little kids? They still love holding your hand and adore you. Chelsi still respects me and cares about disappointing us. Jaemin loves to kiss my cheeks, my nose, my forehead. Not the big kids. The teens and preteens live to worry me and then when I try to discuss I get eye rolling, disrespect or disgust. At times I begin to think Cole's starting to outgrow some of it, but maybe it's because he's getting his way? I don't mean we're giving in or anything like that, but he's ultimately happier because he made his way back to Varsity wrestling. He cares about the way it looks, regardless if he wins or loses. I wish he could see past that importance and realize that being on JV is sometimes a necessary stepping stone like college is to having a better chance at a stable livelihood. Don't get me wrong I'm pretty happy that he didn't fight me on registering him for his first shot at the ACTs for April, but at the same time he has such low expectations for himself. I find myself constantly trying to build him up, yet sometimes I wonder how hard he really tries to help himself and in the end that's the only thing that will help his life. Chase gets irritated at me for lecturing Kaelin on her continuous lying to me. I understand it gets old. Trust me it gets old, but it's necessary to do it until she gets that it's not worth lying over really stupid little things. Chase is definitely at tween that thinks he's always right, but has totally normal annoying habits and gets irritated at everyone when everyone gets irritated at him. Kaelin is fast on his heels of tweenhood. She's so impulsive and trying to get her to just slow down seems to be such a trying part of her and my relationship. I don't want to break her, but break her of this habit so she has better control over her life.
Needless to say my little chit chats with the older ones have increased. Cole mostly seems more open to them, but maybe he's figured out how to humor me? He's definitely smart enough for that. Kaelin's much the same. Chase snaps back. He takes offense.....he's too much like me. Why is it that our kids get my worst traits? Why can't they have some of the good ones? If they only knew, really knew, just how much I worry and want the best for them. I really want Cole's grades to be a B average so he can get the discount on his car insurance and earn us paying 1/2. Regardless of some teachers desire to make school miserable and see how many kids they can fail without reasoning through why they do poorly in areas (that's another day for that one). I don't want to see Chase struggle so much. He does study hard most of the time, but I think he got my and M's poor test taking skills and that's not a good thing. Kaelin does fine grade wise for now, but I'd like to see her care more for others. I tell them I know they're not perfect and I don't expect perfection, I just worry about the bigger things that can really impact their future lives. I pray for the best for all of them and pray that some of the stuff we talk about sinks in. I pray that they realize I'm not trying to be a nag, I just care. I pray that they realize I don't enjoy disciplining them by grounding from their favorite things for what seems like constant, I just want them to learn. I pray one day they realize just how much I love and care for them and that they realize that they are my everything and their happiness is so important to me. Like I told Kaelin the other night. It's easier for a parent to not punish than to punish. Those who don't, don't care.
God, please watch over my kids and protect them and help them to make good, kind, caring decisions throughout their lives that are for the better of everyone.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
I have a driveway!
So excited that my driveway is finally done! We can drive on it on Monday. And it poured this weekend and no traveling gravel for once. It will be so much easier to keep up with. He gave us the bill this morning and it's exactly what the bid said, so we're perfectly happy with his work and cost.
Us staying on target for the things our home loan will pay for (the updates and fixes to the house) are so important for us to hopefully go to Korea. Watching the budget, I'm still pretty nervous about the thought of being able to go in 2013. I get so nervous, but feel pretty strong about the need for us to go before something keeps us from going as a complete family. Yet, I've had this sort of weird calmness about me since the first of 2012 that everything will be just fine and we'll get our dream trip to Seoul. I'm going to keep on praying, keep on saving and keep on hoping we'll get there and by the end of this year hopefully we'll have some plans started. Gulp!
Us staying on target for the things our home loan will pay for (the updates and fixes to the house) are so important for us to hopefully go to Korea. Watching the budget, I'm still pretty nervous about the thought of being able to go in 2013. I get so nervous, but feel pretty strong about the need for us to go before something keeps us from going as a complete family. Yet, I've had this sort of weird calmness about me since the first of 2012 that everything will be just fine and we'll get our dream trip to Seoul. I'm going to keep on praying, keep on saving and keep on hoping we'll get there and by the end of this year hopefully we'll have some plans started. Gulp!
Friday, June 24, 2011
My little man/grant or sponsorship/Di2010/k06
So, I haven't been able to talk on the phone to Dillon staff, but I did receive a quick email that they will be able to take any money I can collect and put it towards a sponsorship if little Mr. Di2010-k06 goes to an institution OR better yet put it in a grant for a family that comes forward to make him their child.
I have an email back to her to ask if it will be tax deductible. Either way, if you can donate it WOULD go to this little guy. I'm hoping eventually they'll let me post his picture here. If you haven't filled out the form yet to see him, trust me, he's SUPER cute! He'll be 3 in September and seems to be on target with the exception of language. It sounds like he's about where Jaemin is now. He's talking, just not full sentences and probably not super clear. He needs someone to bring him home and get him into some speech therapy and let him grow.
I have an email back to her to ask if it will be tax deductible. Either way, if you can donate it WOULD go to this little guy. I'm hoping eventually they'll let me post his picture here. If you haven't filled out the form yet to see him, trust me, he's SUPER cute! He'll be 3 in September and seems to be on target with the exception of language. It sounds like he's about where Jaemin is now. He's talking, just not full sentences and probably not super clear. He needs someone to bring him home and get him into some speech therapy and let him grow.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Unspoken prayers
Please pray for someone I love. This person is going through a tremendously hard time and missing a huge chunk of their heart. I can only imagine as a parent how much it hurts. I want only the best for them and for this to be resolved. This is my unspoken prayer request today.
Please pray for them.
Please pray for them.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
New updates on Di2010-K06
I'll keep the donate button out in the right side bar, but since I'm posting this info here anyways, thought I'd also post this.
So, here it is. This little guy (I can't release his name) is almost 3 and is still waiting for his family. He will be moved to an institution, possibly this year. Children are virtually unadoptable at that point. This little guy is making tremendous progress and seems to be doing quite well. He's the same age as Jaemin and seems to be at the same stage...lacking in speech language. I think it's worth at least looking at his file to consider him.
Go to Dillon's web site, fill out the form real quick to get access to the waiting children and say no to this beautiful face....I dare you!! Double dare you!
If you're not looking to adopt, but would just like to help this sweet boy out, you can donate on my page and in the next several months I will send the money to Dillon. I have their approval to advocate for him and all money donated here will be sent to Dillon and earmarked only for this child. They said that if he's adopted it will go into their Building Families fund and given to his family as a small grant. If he's sent to an orphanage environment, it can then be sent to Korea to aid in his care; speech therapy and just everyday living for a child.
I can't get him off my mind and would like to do something for another child and am praying that somehow he finds his family.
You can donate here and help a child in need.
So, here it is. This little guy (I can't release his name) is almost 3 and is still waiting for his family. He will be moved to an institution, possibly this year. Children are virtually unadoptable at that point. This little guy is making tremendous progress and seems to be doing quite well. He's the same age as Jaemin and seems to be at the same stage...lacking in speech language. I think it's worth at least looking at his file to consider him.
Go to Dillon's web site, fill out the form real quick to get access to the waiting children and say no to this beautiful face....I dare you!! Double dare you!
If you're not looking to adopt, but would just like to help this sweet boy out, you can donate on my page and in the next several months I will send the money to Dillon. I have their approval to advocate for him and all money donated here will be sent to Dillon and earmarked only for this child. They said that if he's adopted it will go into their Building Families fund and given to his family as a small grant. If he's sent to an orphanage environment, it can then be sent to Korea to aid in his care; speech therapy and just everyday living for a child.
I can't get him off my mind and would like to do something for another child and am praying that somehow he finds his family.
You can donate here and help a child in need.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
My baby.....my baby
He scared the absolute life out of me. I can still cry this morning just thinking about it. The motion of what happened and his face keeps running through my mind over and over and over again and I just cry again.
We're not exactly sure what happened last night, but the ER doc thinks it was a small seizure. Jaemin fell off the couch and hit the hard floor. When I picked him up he started to scream and then stopped breathing, tensed up and fluttered his eyes. Then he started to cry a little again, but then did it all again. Because our big boys saw him look like he passed out on the couch and slowly fall he thinks that was the seizure and the way he acted with me was the post ictal (sp?) state. The way he reacted reminded me of when Chelsi had her febrile seizure and they're biological siblings a couple of years ago. I swear to God he scared the life out of me. Because I wasn't automatically thinking seizure I really thought I was going to lose my angel.
He said there's a slight chance he really could have fallen asleep that fast and fell and hit his head and knocked himself out, but because of the distance and the fact that it wasn't a hard fall he doesn't think so. They did a CT last night and bloodwork and said everything was perfect, which was great! Now we just have to get an EEG when they open up Monday to be sure. He said it's possible it could happen just this once and never happen again too.
Please pray for the EEG results. I'm thankful the CT was clear and there's no tumor and no damage from the fall. The EEG is the final piece to get an all clear unless it happens again. AND PLEASE pray it never happens again. I never want anything so scary to happen again. He is my baby boy and I never want to lose my sweetheart! I love him God...please keep him with me.
We're not exactly sure what happened last night, but the ER doc thinks it was a small seizure. Jaemin fell off the couch and hit the hard floor. When I picked him up he started to scream and then stopped breathing, tensed up and fluttered his eyes. Then he started to cry a little again, but then did it all again. Because our big boys saw him look like he passed out on the couch and slowly fall he thinks that was the seizure and the way he acted with me was the post ictal (sp?) state. The way he reacted reminded me of when Chelsi had her febrile seizure and they're biological siblings a couple of years ago. I swear to God he scared the life out of me. Because I wasn't automatically thinking seizure I really thought I was going to lose my angel.
He said there's a slight chance he really could have fallen asleep that fast and fell and hit his head and knocked himself out, but because of the distance and the fact that it wasn't a hard fall he doesn't think so. They did a CT last night and bloodwork and said everything was perfect, which was great! Now we just have to get an EEG when they open up Monday to be sure. He said it's possible it could happen just this once and never happen again too.
Please pray for the EEG results. I'm thankful the CT was clear and there's no tumor and no damage from the fall. The EEG is the final piece to get an all clear unless it happens again. AND PLEASE pray it never happens again. I never want anything so scary to happen again. He is my baby boy and I never want to lose my sweetheart! I love him God...please keep him with me.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The definition of 'emergency'
Definition of EMERGENCY
1
: an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action
So, based on this if it was a medical emergency someone would receive prompt action, right? I think the hospital needs to know this. Eye Roll
Jae has an EGD/sigmoidoscopy tomorrow to find out what is going on that he still has acid reflux. It was supposed to be at 8 am, which is bad enough for an almost 2 year old that doesn't get to eat or drink in the morning, plus do bowel cleansing.
They called today to say they had an emergency and he had to be pushed back to 11 am. First of all...really you want me to keep him from eating without screaming until then. Are you nuts? And second, 'emergency' by the above definition means they shouldn't have known early today that they need to do this tomorrow. Makes no sense to me. The lady proceeds to tell me that that means I don't have to get there so early now, so apparently I'm supposed to be happy. Well, I'd much rather get up super early to have a happy toddler than one that, for good reason, is going to meltdown. I informed her that I will be there earlier than our time because I won't know what else to do with him at that point and if I have to deal with it so do they. They better not think they're going to get away with taking him from me before he's loopy. I let them do it last time and I already informed them it was not good for his attachment and security and they would not do that again. Tomorrow, will probably not be a good day to cross this mommy who's way protective over this baby boy.
So far, tonight is fine. We got through giving him the magnesium citrate. I got lemon and he LOVED it. I did the enema like I was supposed to and he's now resting in mommy's bed. Special treat for my sweet baby. I might get him up before midnight and give him a little snack yogurt. Poor guy's been on a soft diet all day. So, of course, when they said I could always reschedule I told them no way. My big eater has already had a crappy diet today and I wasn't putting him through that again. Tomorrow morning will be a play it by ear after the kids go to school. Whatever it takes to make him happy and eventually I'll just have to hear him cry and he'll probably hit me because that's what he does when he's super ticked. I'm anxious for tomorrow afternoon when this is all over and then next week they can get us the biopsy results and let us know what's going on....hopefully.
Pray for my baby please. I hope it goes perfectly tomorrow and he tolerates everything well.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Anxiety? Probably
For the 2nd night in a row I've had horrible dreams. I don't even want to outright type what they're about. And I won't. It's too scary. I know it has to be related to Cole's news. I can't believe it's bothering me this bad. I usually don't get so rocked like that. Yeah, I might let go of a tear or two, but rarely does it hit me to the extent of dreams. Hopefully, I get to have a conversation with the nurse practitioner tomorrow and questions get answered and maybe my subconscious can rest.
I hope.
I hope.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Children Center
Do you ever wonder if your children center you a bit? I think they do. They make me feel that way sometimes.
While, at work, I freaked a bit at the prospect of my $200-300 paycut in January and still figuring out the details of Cole's heart issues I can be free at home. For some reason, after Cole's appointment tonight I just feel okay. Okay enough anyways. He and I have had some nice conversations yesterday and today about life, which is nice to have with your 13 year old. I told him how much I believe that God will take care of us. And I meant it. I didn't say it so he wouldn't be scared. He probably still would be anyways. I told him I still am scared, but not for that. I'm more worried about him and how he feels. I told him how much easier it was to watch him have open-heart as an infant as opposed to now that he's old enough to be scared and I can't do anything about it. I asked him to place his trust in God. The same way we did when we leaped in faith for Jaemin. He told me how happy he was that we did that. I told him God doesn't steer you wrong...only you do that to yourself. He seems a little better now. So, he's done with his xray and we'll talk to them again next week to discuss more of the details of how we went from 0-180 just like that. I'm hoping for things to make a little more sense next week and then I'll be better yet.
But, as I checked on them all, sleeping in their beds, before I headed to bed tonight I felt so calm and peaceful. Every single night I'm reminded of how lucky I am.
Lisa
While, at work, I freaked a bit at the prospect of my $200-300 paycut in January and still figuring out the details of Cole's heart issues I can be free at home. For some reason, after Cole's appointment tonight I just feel okay. Okay enough anyways. He and I have had some nice conversations yesterday and today about life, which is nice to have with your 13 year old. I told him how much I believe that God will take care of us. And I meant it. I didn't say it so he wouldn't be scared. He probably still would be anyways. I told him I still am scared, but not for that. I'm more worried about him and how he feels. I told him how much easier it was to watch him have open-heart as an infant as opposed to now that he's old enough to be scared and I can't do anything about it. I asked him to place his trust in God. The same way we did when we leaped in faith for Jaemin. He told me how happy he was that we did that. I told him God doesn't steer you wrong...only you do that to yourself. He seems a little better now. So, he's done with his xray and we'll talk to them again next week to discuss more of the details of how we went from 0-180 just like that. I'm hoping for things to make a little more sense next week and then I'll be better yet.
But, as I checked on them all, sleeping in their beds, before I headed to bed tonight I felt so calm and peaceful. Every single night I'm reminded of how lucky I am.
Lisa
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Not so good news/Living for Today While Thinking about Tomorrow
I've never been good about living for today. I've gotten much better after Brian's accident. My little reality check that no matter how much you try to prepare for things you can't always. And you never react the way you think. The call for Jaemin taught me that or reinforced what I already knew.
We're planning to go to Korea in 2013, but at this point we're not sure. Not sure if we should do it sooner or expect to do it later? Not sure at all.
We went to a new pediatric cardiologist today, as I wrote about last night. Cole has been seeing the same guy for 13 years. We have been told for the last several years (since he was 5) that 'if' he needed anything it would be open heart, but there would be no way to know. Then he always eluded to Cole never needing anything again after he entered adulthood. We also were told a couple of years ago that he could do any high school sports he wanted to after being told in all the previous years that he couldn't. I decided to let up on my overprotectedness this year and let him play football as he'd been wanting. I asked specifically about football.
Today we saw the new doc, after personal references with other patients' parents. We really liked him. He took so much time with us and talked to Cole....not me. He drew pictures of Cole's heart to explain to him and I what's going on. And when I asked about football, he said 'no contact sports'. So football is again out. He can play baseball with a chestguard and basketball is okay, but the constant running could be hard on him. Then, he proceeded to tell us something we'd never been told. Cole's valve had been completely replaced at surgery in 1997 and valves don't, apparently, last this long. He was astonished he was still okay after 13 years. They don't use the valve he has anymore and the new ones only have a life of about 7-10 years and have to be replaced via open-heart.
So, today we were told open-heart surgery IS coming. So he had to deal with being told he couldn't play the sport he wanted to and that this surgery is coming. We don't know when. He has no symptoms other than his right side is enlarged from the significant leakage from the valve, right now. We're doing an xray to see how enlarged it is. Then, next year he'll do a stress test, EKG, Echo, MRI and xray at the hospital. He'll be able to better determine when the surgery may be. So we literally don't know if it will be next week or 2 years from now. It all depends on that valve that has already exceeded it's lifespan.
I drove back to work after the appointment and went through periods of telling myself everything is fine to periods of feeling like crying. But, I won't. I'll leave that to him. And when I told him it was okay to cry and grieve his loss, he did. I feel so bad for him. I wish I could make him feel better, but right now there isn't anything I can do. I just hugged him and talked to him and of course, threw in the usual "you have to remember there's always a kid in a worse situation than you".
For now, I will just pray that, as usual, God will take care of us and keep us all safe and healthy. And that when the time comes He will guide the surgeon's hands as he did 13 years ago to take care of my son. And I will hold onto and remind Cole that the surgeon said that if a new procedure passes the FDA in a few years that this may be his last open-heart. Instead he could have it repaired by cath. Can you believe that? Valve replacement by cath. Amazing!
We're planning to go to Korea in 2013, but at this point we're not sure. Not sure if we should do it sooner or expect to do it later? Not sure at all.
We went to a new pediatric cardiologist today, as I wrote about last night. Cole has been seeing the same guy for 13 years. We have been told for the last several years (since he was 5) that 'if' he needed anything it would be open heart, but there would be no way to know. Then he always eluded to Cole never needing anything again after he entered adulthood. We also were told a couple of years ago that he could do any high school sports he wanted to after being told in all the previous years that he couldn't. I decided to let up on my overprotectedness this year and let him play football as he'd been wanting. I asked specifically about football.
Today we saw the new doc, after personal references with other patients' parents. We really liked him. He took so much time with us and talked to Cole....not me. He drew pictures of Cole's heart to explain to him and I what's going on. And when I asked about football, he said 'no contact sports'. So football is again out. He can play baseball with a chestguard and basketball is okay, but the constant running could be hard on him. Then, he proceeded to tell us something we'd never been told. Cole's valve had been completely replaced at surgery in 1997 and valves don't, apparently, last this long. He was astonished he was still okay after 13 years. They don't use the valve he has anymore and the new ones only have a life of about 7-10 years and have to be replaced via open-heart.
So, today we were told open-heart surgery IS coming. So he had to deal with being told he couldn't play the sport he wanted to and that this surgery is coming. We don't know when. He has no symptoms other than his right side is enlarged from the significant leakage from the valve, right now. We're doing an xray to see how enlarged it is. Then, next year he'll do a stress test, EKG, Echo, MRI and xray at the hospital. He'll be able to better determine when the surgery may be. So we literally don't know if it will be next week or 2 years from now. It all depends on that valve that has already exceeded it's lifespan.
I drove back to work after the appointment and went through periods of telling myself everything is fine to periods of feeling like crying. But, I won't. I'll leave that to him. And when I told him it was okay to cry and grieve his loss, he did. I feel so bad for him. I wish I could make him feel better, but right now there isn't anything I can do. I just hugged him and talked to him and of course, threw in the usual "you have to remember there's always a kid in a worse situation than you".
For now, I will just pray that, as usual, God will take care of us and keep us all safe and healthy. And that when the time comes He will guide the surgeon's hands as he did 13 years ago to take care of my son. And I will hold onto and remind Cole that the surgeon said that if a new procedure passes the FDA in a few years that this may be his last open-heart. Instead he could have it repaired by cath. Can you believe that? Valve replacement by cath. Amazing!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Sometimes medical stuff feels like it dominates your day
It doesn't help that I'm in that field, somewhat, but when home life creeps in there it gets harder.
We had our dental visits tonight and thank goodness the dentist took pity on us this year and gave us two kids free. We're completely private pay without dental insurance, so it can get real expensive with just the basics. He saves our butts usually. But, he says Cole has crowded teeth. Well, we were told Chase would need an expander and braces 3 years ago. After 2 years of free observations we found out how much it was going to cost and well, over $7,000 is WAY too much. That's with a 2nd opinion too. No one is cheaper. So, do you really think a family with 5 kids can afford $14,000 worth of braces on the first 2 kids?! Are you crazy! What if one of the youngers has a real problem that will cause medical damage due to their teeth. Unfortunately, that's where the money has to be spent. As much as people want to think you have to do it, you don't and sometimes just can't. We can't. And the boys don't want them either. I know we're bad parents for not doing this, but we barely make $70,000/year/together, do you think we can afford it and eat?!
I also called Cole's pediatric cardiologist's office today since I knew he was retiring this summer and his visit is in 2 weeks. I wanted to find out who the replacement was. They gave me a name and I did some research and do not feel comfortable with him, so after 13 years we not only have to find a new pediatric cardiologist we have to find a new hospital and drive further to another city. Fun! But, if I don't feel comfortable with someone who holds my son's life in their hands, no way is he going. He doesn't have chronic heart problems, but teen years is when I was told he may need open heart again. Now, that he's 13 I take it more seriously and need to feel good with our specialist. Pray for a good decision by us for the right doctor. We're making the appointment tomorrow.
Lisa
We had our dental visits tonight and thank goodness the dentist took pity on us this year and gave us two kids free. We're completely private pay without dental insurance, so it can get real expensive with just the basics. He saves our butts usually. But, he says Cole has crowded teeth. Well, we were told Chase would need an expander and braces 3 years ago. After 2 years of free observations we found out how much it was going to cost and well, over $7,000 is WAY too much. That's with a 2nd opinion too. No one is cheaper. So, do you really think a family with 5 kids can afford $14,000 worth of braces on the first 2 kids?! Are you crazy! What if one of the youngers has a real problem that will cause medical damage due to their teeth. Unfortunately, that's where the money has to be spent. As much as people want to think you have to do it, you don't and sometimes just can't. We can't. And the boys don't want them either. I know we're bad parents for not doing this, but we barely make $70,000/year/together, do you think we can afford it and eat?!
I also called Cole's pediatric cardiologist's office today since I knew he was retiring this summer and his visit is in 2 weeks. I wanted to find out who the replacement was. They gave me a name and I did some research and do not feel comfortable with him, so after 13 years we not only have to find a new pediatric cardiologist we have to find a new hospital and drive further to another city. Fun! But, if I don't feel comfortable with someone who holds my son's life in their hands, no way is he going. He doesn't have chronic heart problems, but teen years is when I was told he may need open heart again. Now, that he's 13 I take it more seriously and need to feel good with our specialist. Pray for a good decision by us for the right doctor. We're making the appointment tomorrow.
Lisa
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Worries and wishes..
For some reason I get so many comments on how we must be perfect...supermom. I'm not sure if it's just because where we live 3 is getting to have a larger size family and with 5 people are just astounded. Usually when they find out I work fulltime too I get the 'saint' comments and looks. Further from the truth, you think? Oh Lord, if they could just be in our house some days.
I'm human and I have the same problems in life. I'm content and happy with my life. I have the kids I want and need and the husband I want and need. We make the money we need and survive for necessities in life; nothing more, nothing less. Do I want? Sure. I want someone or something to rescue us from my worries. My worries of the kids ever going to college, really getting to go to Korea as a family one day, the kids (some anyways) surviving school and life. Some days just worries that we will be able to pay all the bills that popped up that month or I will have enough leave to always take off when my kids are sick and need me.
I have wishes too. I wish we could have a laundry room big enough for a family of 7 and enough time to actually do all the wash of a family of 7. I wish I could work parttime and be with my kids just a little more than I am now. I wish we didn't have to watch every single penny because we're worried our washer or dryer or car will break down. (can you tell I've been having laundry issues tonight?)
Wishes and worries are different. Worries are for my kids' safety and well-being and near and dear things to my heart. Wants are materialistic things that we don't need to survive life, but would make it easier.
I try to just count our blessings and focus on that. I try not to let things with other people ruffle my feathers. My favorite saying is 'it is what it is' and you go on and accept your life and make the best of everything. And quite honestly, I have most of the best. As long as God keeps us all happy and healthy, it's the best.
So all I pray everyday is that each hurdle that's given to us is able to be cleared with relatively little trauma and harm. I pray that God just keeps us all well, together and loving and good people. I pray that 1/2 of what I try to teach my kids sticks. I pray that our two salaries, together, are always enough for us to pay our bills monthly. I pray that I remember and the kids remember the simple things in life are some of the most important and money cannot make up for that. I pray that we remember that life is what you make of it sometimes, not what it makes of you. I pray that I ALWAYS remember that when I think I have it bad I can always remember there is always someone who is going through something worse and surviving.
I'm human and I have the same problems in life. I'm content and happy with my life. I have the kids I want and need and the husband I want and need. We make the money we need and survive for necessities in life; nothing more, nothing less. Do I want? Sure. I want someone or something to rescue us from my worries. My worries of the kids ever going to college, really getting to go to Korea as a family one day, the kids (some anyways) surviving school and life. Some days just worries that we will be able to pay all the bills that popped up that month or I will have enough leave to always take off when my kids are sick and need me.
I have wishes too. I wish we could have a laundry room big enough for a family of 7 and enough time to actually do all the wash of a family of 7. I wish I could work parttime and be with my kids just a little more than I am now. I wish we didn't have to watch every single penny because we're worried our washer or dryer or car will break down. (can you tell I've been having laundry issues tonight?)
Wishes and worries are different. Worries are for my kids' safety and well-being and near and dear things to my heart. Wants are materialistic things that we don't need to survive life, but would make it easier.
I try to just count our blessings and focus on that. I try not to let things with other people ruffle my feathers. My favorite saying is 'it is what it is' and you go on and accept your life and make the best of everything. And quite honestly, I have most of the best. As long as God keeps us all happy and healthy, it's the best.
So all I pray everyday is that each hurdle that's given to us is able to be cleared with relatively little trauma and harm. I pray that God just keeps us all well, together and loving and good people. I pray that 1/2 of what I try to teach my kids sticks. I pray that our two salaries, together, are always enough for us to pay our bills monthly. I pray that I remember and the kids remember the simple things in life are some of the most important and money cannot make up for that. I pray that we remember that life is what you make of it sometimes, not what it makes of you. I pray that I ALWAYS remember that when I think I have it bad I can always remember there is always someone who is going through something worse and surviving.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Because writing is therapeutic
and it has helped me in the past to go back through my own personal diary, here, and see what we have gotten through.
I'm just a little stressed right now. I know that after March passes and my surgeries are done....hopefully, I can just erase it all from my mind and go on. Hopefully is for the surgeries or whatever to be done by the end of March...I will have no trouble erasing it from my mind.
So I had my two spots biopsied and one is a blue nevus as I thought and the other was basal cell as I wondered. I already got the stitch (yes just 1) out of my head and I go back Monday for the two stitches in my back. Apparently, your back has to stay in longer than your head... I don't know why, so don't ask. After that I get a nice and lovely consult with a general surgeon for the lump in my breast. I posted back in September after I had to get an oh so enjoyable mammogram just because I hit 35, but because I also had a sebaceous cyst they wanted an ultrasound too. It came back with matter in it slightly off from what they usually see for this type of cyst, so they told me not to worry and get a follow up U/S in 6 months. That was this week and when I called to see if they had order my doc was right on top of it and they were ready to go.
It didn't take long to get it done, but she left the room and came back and said the radiologist wanted to biopsy it because it had grown more than they expected in 6 months and was still not quite right. So, of course, I cried a little since the day before I had just been told I had skin cancer...minor yes, but too much for me for one week. I got the appointment all worked out and yesterday was feeling much more assured and ready to get it over with. Well, they changed their minds and this time my doctor called to let me know the radiologist read the U/S and refused a biopsy. He said it needed excised. So the doctor sent the orders to a general surgeon and they had an appointment ready for me. I was in pretty good tears by then. I called the surgeon to find out what to expect and actually found out it was just a consult and they still may biopsy it and basically ignore what the radiologist said depending on what she thinks of my two U/Ss. So, my sweet husband ran around town getting my U/Ss and mammograms that the hospital burned to a CD and brought it to my surgeons office for me. By Wednesday morning she should have had plenty of time to look at the visuals and a good idea of what she wants to do with me.
They did tell me the radiologist is calling it a fibroadenoma for now. It can be a precursor to breast cancer, but is most often completely benign. From what I could gather they leave them in if their smaller than a certain size, but mine it larger. I don't have a clue what she's going to decide, but if they remove it I'm a bit more nervous. All I can imagine is a hole where it used to be. They assure me they will pull in a cosmetic surgeon if they need to, but really they can just move my existing stuff around. Uh....what stuff? Do they have any idea how small I am??? So don't take away what little I have or I'm gonna be a little ticked.
I'm pretty much done with all my tears now, though the rare possibilities out of both of these spots still do bother me and make me fearful from time-to-time, you can't live your life in perpetual fear. I choose not to. I choose to hug my kids even more and love my husband even more and live for the day and maybe learn something from this experience. Hoping it's a very short-lived experience, of course.
So, if you wanna pray for a good consult Wednesday, I'd appreciate it. I know God is listening and I know everything will be okay, but extra prayers never hurt anything. I'm okay with my other small surgery of getting my basal cell removed. I have to wait until the biopsied spot heals before they'll do that one, but I don't know what she'll do now that I'm dealing with another part of my body on the other side? This adenoma bugs me a little more.
Lisa
I'm just a little stressed right now. I know that after March passes and my surgeries are done....hopefully, I can just erase it all from my mind and go on. Hopefully is for the surgeries or whatever to be done by the end of March...I will have no trouble erasing it from my mind.
So I had my two spots biopsied and one is a blue nevus as I thought and the other was basal cell as I wondered. I already got the stitch (yes just 1) out of my head and I go back Monday for the two stitches in my back. Apparently, your back has to stay in longer than your head... I don't know why, so don't ask. After that I get a nice and lovely consult with a general surgeon for the lump in my breast. I posted back in September after I had to get an oh so enjoyable mammogram just because I hit 35, but because I also had a sebaceous cyst they wanted an ultrasound too. It came back with matter in it slightly off from what they usually see for this type of cyst, so they told me not to worry and get a follow up U/S in 6 months. That was this week and when I called to see if they had order my doc was right on top of it and they were ready to go.
It didn't take long to get it done, but she left the room and came back and said the radiologist wanted to biopsy it because it had grown more than they expected in 6 months and was still not quite right. So, of course, I cried a little since the day before I had just been told I had skin cancer...minor yes, but too much for me for one week. I got the appointment all worked out and yesterday was feeling much more assured and ready to get it over with. Well, they changed their minds and this time my doctor called to let me know the radiologist read the U/S and refused a biopsy. He said it needed excised. So the doctor sent the orders to a general surgeon and they had an appointment ready for me. I was in pretty good tears by then. I called the surgeon to find out what to expect and actually found out it was just a consult and they still may biopsy it and basically ignore what the radiologist said depending on what she thinks of my two U/Ss. So, my sweet husband ran around town getting my U/Ss and mammograms that the hospital burned to a CD and brought it to my surgeons office for me. By Wednesday morning she should have had plenty of time to look at the visuals and a good idea of what she wants to do with me.
They did tell me the radiologist is calling it a fibroadenoma for now. It can be a precursor to breast cancer, but is most often completely benign. From what I could gather they leave them in if their smaller than a certain size, but mine it larger. I don't have a clue what she's going to decide, but if they remove it I'm a bit more nervous. All I can imagine is a hole where it used to be. They assure me they will pull in a cosmetic surgeon if they need to, but really they can just move my existing stuff around. Uh....what stuff? Do they have any idea how small I am??? So don't take away what little I have or I'm gonna be a little ticked.
I'm pretty much done with all my tears now, though the rare possibilities out of both of these spots still do bother me and make me fearful from time-to-time, you can't live your life in perpetual fear. I choose not to. I choose to hug my kids even more and love my husband even more and live for the day and maybe learn something from this experience. Hoping it's a very short-lived experience, of course.
So, if you wanna pray for a good consult Wednesday, I'd appreciate it. I know God is listening and I know everything will be okay, but extra prayers never hurt anything. I'm okay with my other small surgery of getting my basal cell removed. I have to wait until the biopsied spot heals before they'll do that one, but I don't know what she'll do now that I'm dealing with another part of my body on the other side? This adenoma bugs me a little more.
Lisa
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Prayers for Haiti
Please pray for all those in Haiti now. It doesn't sound good after their earthquake and they may be expecting a tsunami, which will just amplify the devastation. It's terrible that a hospital collapsed. A friend of ours adopted their son from Haiti and I just cringe thinking of why may have happened to his birth family in this.
Lisa
Lisa
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Please give him a good Christmas
My poor baby is sick......again. Hopefully, nothing major. He started running a fever this evening and it progressively got higher, to 102.5, when I finally gave him some ibuprofen. Brian ran to the pharmacy to refill some azithromycin. He seems to chronically get these little sinus and airway problems like Chase did as a baby. I swear it was every month with him and it is with Jae too. I just pray he's not sick for Christmas. His fever is warm enough to give him the really bright red cheeks since he's flush. He coughed up snot this morning (gross I know), but no fever, so I wasn't sure he was really sick. He coughs a lot....poor baby.
My poor baby was sick on his first birthday, please don't let him be sick on his first Christmas with us. I've been looking so forward to Christmas this year because of him. Please make my baby boy better.
Lisa
My poor baby was sick on his first birthday, please don't let him be sick on his first Christmas with us. I've been looking so forward to Christmas this year because of him. Please make my baby boy better.
Lisa
Friday, December 4, 2009
I think I need a New Years resolution for 2010
I'd never stick to it like most New Year's resolutions, but it would be nice.
I want to be able to leave things be.....
I want to be able to not rethink every little thing I do and continue rehashing it in my head whether I can change it or not. Just accept it and go on. Every time I buy something, say something or do something I rethink it. Maybe if I hadn't bought that my budget wouldn't have scared me so much this month. Did I say that as nice as I could have or did I say something or get as excited about something for someone as I should have? I would like to be a little easier on myself from time-to-time. I am definitely my own worst critic.
I would like to be able to let things go with the kids misbehave or get off-track a bit. Not give them a speech for one low paper and remember Bs are find and it doesn't mean they won't get into college just because they're capable of As, but get Bs. Let them have a chance to be responsible for their own grades without constantly feeling like I have to remind them of where they are in the quarter. I am doing a little better on that, but it's difficult.
I would just like it if I were a little more laid back and able to have fun and enjoy life just a little bit more and quit worrying over every little thing and how those small things are going to affect my life down the road. I'd like to let that stuff go.
I need to let all of this go so I can enjoy the now and not worry about the then so much. Worrying a little is fine, but I can worry to extreme, though I have been working on this and have gotten a little, itsy bit better.
This is a lot of work for a Type A person, so pray for me PLEASE! :)
Lisa
I want to be able to leave things be.....
I want to be able to not rethink every little thing I do and continue rehashing it in my head whether I can change it or not. Just accept it and go on. Every time I buy something, say something or do something I rethink it. Maybe if I hadn't bought that my budget wouldn't have scared me so much this month. Did I say that as nice as I could have or did I say something or get as excited about something for someone as I should have? I would like to be a little easier on myself from time-to-time. I am definitely my own worst critic.
I would like to be able to let things go with the kids misbehave or get off-track a bit. Not give them a speech for one low paper and remember Bs are find and it doesn't mean they won't get into college just because they're capable of As, but get Bs. Let them have a chance to be responsible for their own grades without constantly feeling like I have to remind them of where they are in the quarter. I am doing a little better on that, but it's difficult.
I would just like it if I were a little more laid back and able to have fun and enjoy life just a little bit more and quit worrying over every little thing and how those small things are going to affect my life down the road. I'd like to let that stuff go.
I need to let all of this go so I can enjoy the now and not worry about the then so much. Worrying a little is fine, but I can worry to extreme, though I have been working on this and have gotten a little, itsy bit better.
This is a lot of work for a Type A person, so pray for me PLEASE! :)
Lisa
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Complete family/Life Happiness?
When does life stop surprising you? In my mid 30s and 5 kids you would think certain things would no longer surprise me. I don't know what I expected with J. Did I expect because we didn't plan for him and he was so unexpected I wouldn't love him the same? I don't think so. I don't think I really even thought about it one way or another or had any expectations for my feelings. It just seems that everyday that goes by I feel more love and such intense love for Jaemin and it surprises me a bit. I'm not really sure why except that it's just so intense in the connection and that connection feels so special with my little man.
I could literally sit there and stare at him. I'm in such awe at how precious he is and how gorgeous (I mean really gorgeous) he is. I always said we were done after Chelsi. I mean we had only planned for 2, maybe 3, kids. I guess after Chelsi it just kind of felt like we "should" be done. We had 4 kids and it was busy and it really isn't that "normal" to even have 4, let alone 5. So we thought we were done and then J just shocked us all right into our lives. And now I feel something I've never felt in our 15 years of marriage. I feel VERY complete. Truly complete. This little man that we never intended to have closed the door and made my heart feel very full. I'd always thought it was bs when people said they knew they were done and complete. I can see if you just knew, from the start, what you were going to have from the start, but people like me that said so many and slowly exceeded that. How did they really know they were every done? Now I know and understand. I think a part of me didn't really let go of the total idea of another. I think a part of me knew there was still something missing. But, logically, it just didn't make sense to want another child.
We thought we were done and in a non-purposeful way we left it to the Lord. His birth mother was not put in this pain for my joy. I don't believe that for a second. She had another child, was unable to raise him, asked for him to be placed with his sibling and we were fortunate to be that family. It was just human choice and circumstance that brought him into this world, but I believe at that point he was meant to be with us and his sister. For this, I pray that his birth mother reads the letters we send, one day, and knows that he's with her as she wanted. I hope this gives his birth mother peace as she deserves for her selfless gift.
After the loss of a friend and her son (whom we went through our first, her only, processes together), I'm trying very hard to not get so upset about such small things. Settle down and look at the big picture. It's sometimes easier said than done, but for some reason the loss of these two people gave me that insight that I truly needed. And on top of feeling complete with my sweetness in my life I'm trying to find my bliss in the simpleness of life and what the Lord intended and attempting to not get caught up in drama and little unimportant things that the Lord looks down on.
Thank you Liz and Seth for that. I have faith you two are together as mommy and son and you will forever be guardingels to your husband/father.
Lisa
I could literally sit there and stare at him. I'm in such awe at how precious he is and how gorgeous (I mean really gorgeous) he is. I always said we were done after Chelsi. I mean we had only planned for 2, maybe 3, kids. I guess after Chelsi it just kind of felt like we "should" be done. We had 4 kids and it was busy and it really isn't that "normal" to even have 4, let alone 5. So we thought we were done and then J just shocked us all right into our lives. And now I feel something I've never felt in our 15 years of marriage. I feel VERY complete. Truly complete. This little man that we never intended to have closed the door and made my heart feel very full. I'd always thought it was bs when people said they knew they were done and complete. I can see if you just knew, from the start, what you were going to have from the start, but people like me that said so many and slowly exceeded that. How did they really know they were every done? Now I know and understand. I think a part of me didn't really let go of the total idea of another. I think a part of me knew there was still something missing. But, logically, it just didn't make sense to want another child.
We thought we were done and in a non-purposeful way we left it to the Lord. His birth mother was not put in this pain for my joy. I don't believe that for a second. She had another child, was unable to raise him, asked for him to be placed with his sibling and we were fortunate to be that family. It was just human choice and circumstance that brought him into this world, but I believe at that point he was meant to be with us and his sister. For this, I pray that his birth mother reads the letters we send, one day, and knows that he's with her as she wanted. I hope this gives his birth mother peace as she deserves for her selfless gift.
After the loss of a friend and her son (whom we went through our first, her only, processes together), I'm trying very hard to not get so upset about such small things. Settle down and look at the big picture. It's sometimes easier said than done, but for some reason the loss of these two people gave me that insight that I truly needed. And on top of feeling complete with my sweetness in my life I'm trying to find my bliss in the simpleness of life and what the Lord intended and attempting to not get caught up in drama and little unimportant things that the Lord looks down on.
Thank you Liz and Seth for that. I have faith you two are together as mommy and son and you will forever be guardingels to your husband/father.
Lisa
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Confirmation
We had confirmation that Chelsi has strep like the others. J's pneumonia was not going away like we had hoped on amox, so I asked that they change his meds. He gets z now. If he has any fevers by Monday he has to be seen. He's been in a greally great mood today, though he's still really tired. I'm praying my little man is getting over this. Chelsi actually seems to be feeling well and her temp isn't too bad. But, we're keeping her confined to keep the others from reinfection.
Hopefully, soon, no one in the house will be sick anymore and we'll make it through the rest of the season with no major illnesses. Please!
Lisa
Hopefully, soon, no one in the house will be sick anymore and we'll make it through the rest of the season with no major illnesses. Please!
Lisa
Monday, September 21, 2009
Update on sick baby
No new sick babies, which is good, but one has gotten worse.
J seemed fine Friday and Saturday. No fever, great mood, great appetite, everything. Then suddenly about 10:30 pm on Saturday night he woke screaming. I picked him up and he was burning up. He was just under 105 at that point. We put a cool rag on his head after we gave him some Motrin and waited for it to go down. It went down fairly fast and I slept with him the rest of the night. Sunday J was fine again. Then, last night (Sunday), at the same time he woke screaming. He was 105.6 under his arm. He scared me to death. I called the doctor to make sure cold rags wouldn't shock him and he said it was fine. We had given him Motrin, but almost two hours later the Motrin hadn't done anything and he was still about 103. I called our nurse hotline and she said to bring him to the ER since he was also breathing fairly fast. By the time we got there it was down to 101.5. They did a flu swab and it was negative. Then they did a chest xray and it was positive for pneumonia. The ER doctor said he probably got worse after he got strep from K. He said he's already on the right antibiotic and should be feeling better in a day or two. He almost seems worse today...maybe it's just that hump he's almost over though. J's been so tired, no appetite and very clingy. I can hold him and hold him. He's been so sweet and just holds onto me. He really seems to love me as much as I love him now. And I know just how much I love this boy. I hope he's better soon. I hate seeing him so tired and not feeling well. I like my active little man.
Prayers for my sweet boy and for the rest of the crew to stay healthy the rest of the season.
Lisa
J seemed fine Friday and Saturday. No fever, great mood, great appetite, everything. Then suddenly about 10:30 pm on Saturday night he woke screaming. I picked him up and he was burning up. He was just under 105 at that point. We put a cool rag on his head after we gave him some Motrin and waited for it to go down. It went down fairly fast and I slept with him the rest of the night. Sunday J was fine again. Then, last night (Sunday), at the same time he woke screaming. He was 105.6 under his arm. He scared me to death. I called the doctor to make sure cold rags wouldn't shock him and he said it was fine. We had given him Motrin, but almost two hours later the Motrin hadn't done anything and he was still about 103. I called our nurse hotline and she said to bring him to the ER since he was also breathing fairly fast. By the time we got there it was down to 101.5. They did a flu swab and it was negative. Then they did a chest xray and it was positive for pneumonia. The ER doctor said he probably got worse after he got strep from K. He said he's already on the right antibiotic and should be feeling better in a day or two. He almost seems worse today...maybe it's just that hump he's almost over though. J's been so tired, no appetite and very clingy. I can hold him and hold him. He's been so sweet and just holds onto me. He really seems to love me as much as I love him now. And I know just how much I love this boy. I hope he's better soon. I hate seeing him so tired and not feeling well. I like my active little man.
Prayers for my sweet boy and for the rest of the crew to stay healthy the rest of the season.
Lisa
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