Warning: this is more serious than my usual posts, so don't read if you're wanting light-hearted.
I know different can have a million definitions depending on the context and interpretation. But, my "different" here is our family. When we began the adoption process for the first time over 7 years ago, we knew we would look different. Especially, in an area without high diversity of population and relatively low population to begin with. I guess, I never thought it would bother me to stand out or be different. I know this is something our kids will face one day too, but that's a whole other discussion.
We, honestly, really never noticed it until J came home. I think at this point it's our family size, not the fact that some of our children look a little different than their parents. In past years, when we began our first two processes, I'd always belonged to adoption discussion groups. In these groups you were not really different. You had an opportunity to feel some sameness in the world. But, now, with 5 children and both of us working outside the home I feel different there, as well. All of the topics that come up, that don't relate to adoption, end up making me feel excluded. A lot of the participants in these groups are stay-at-home-moms (SAHM). So they have a kinship with each other and are able to share with each other all day long. They talk about budgeting for food and ways to save money in all areas of living, amongst other things. Problem is; when they discuss budgeting, it usually requires you to have time to shop at 3-5 different stores or make everything from scratch. Having 5 children and working full-time doesn't allow for any of that, yet we don't make enough for the conveniences on the other side either (the families who both work, but make enough for convenience living). Those families you will hear talk about their house cleaners and going out for dinner. We can't do either of those and never will. In recent days, I've realized I can bring myself to read the posts of others in these groups, but can no longer respond. I feel so excluded and too different. I will always peruse in case there are others that show up like us; just having questions through adoption, sibling call and adoption related issues. But, I don't think I can really participate any longer. Maybe in 7 years, it's just run it's course for me?
It's hard to find families who live in the middle like us. Families that are getting by, barely sometimes, paying their bills, not paying for extras (condiments so to speak), trying to raise as many as 5 kids and yes, working full-time. The most stores we have time to shop are 2, and that is a rarity to have that kind of luxurious time. Luckily they're fairly close together, but even getting to the grocery shopping once per week is sometimes difficult. Basically, when we're out of milk I have no choice but make that dreaded Walmart or supermarket stop. Finding time to do anything that may save us money nowadays is 20 times more difficult. And then, the one time we might go out together as a family, other than church, we get stared at.
Even within our local international group. There is no one with this many kids...not in the same house. The only ones I even "know" of have older children. Everyone at work has about 2-3 kids. That's the same in our small group of friends too. The couple of people I know at work that have as many do because of grown stepchildren. Within our local group I have not met anyone with more than 2 adopted and even those are fairly few.
I want to know someone else that works full-time, out of the house, has more than 4 kids, doesn't have large incomes combined so bills aren't easy, but they're paid. I want to know someone like us. Thank goodness our kids don't really seem to notice our differences to other families. :)
So if anyone out there is like us, know you're not alone. There are others out there and we're all doing fine!
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