Feeling better now.

I feel much better in the last day or so than I did all of last week.  I'm no longer in tears at the drop of a hat.  I think it helped just to talk to some friends about my grief.  I hadn't allowed myself to do it for so long.  I know better than that and would never tell a friend to keep it in, but it's hard on the other side.

Hopefully, I can talk about her here and there and this won't happen again to such a sad degree.  I haven't been this sad in so long and I hate how it makes me feel.  I know it's good to get yourself through it and feel it, but it feels so uncontrollable and I felt so vulnerable.  That's a hard feeling on a Type A personality.

This week has been long, upsetting and depressing

I couldn't figure out why I'd been so touchy.  Even Brian said I was being that way Thursday morning....way more than usual.  :)  On my walk into work I kept thinking to myself, "what is bothering me?".  Just like that it hit me what day it was.  It was April 5th.  April 5th, 11 years ago we lost our first daughter.  I was 21 weeks pregnant.  I just emailed the doctor 2 years ago to even find out what the sex was.  I couldn't bear to know until then. 

I know her loss was to bring us to where we are now.  I know that without losing her we'd not have Cole or Chase or Kaelin or Chelsi and I'm terribly thankful to God for that.  It doesn't make her loss any less sad though.  For some reason this year has just been harder than any other.  We lost her Good Friday 11 years ago and here it was right before Easter weekend when I realized what day it was.  It was like a freight train running right into me.  I couldn't control my tears at work and I'm still working to keep them under control....at least to a degree. 

My mother-in-law was not there for us when we lost our daughter.  She did not dare try to comfort us or just give us a hug and say nothing.  Saying nothing with a hug is a perfect reaction.  It's a reaction we had from my mom, stepdad, aunt and uncle.  A gift on Easter that I will never ever forget.  Then when Brian called her to tell her we wouldn't be staying long for Easter this year she thought I should have been over it by now.  We went for a little while and all the while I was thinking "you know, maybe I'd feel better if she just walked up to me and gave me a hug and we'd both know exactly why and I'd forgive and forget all the things she's done to hurt us".  But, we stayed for 1 1/2 hours and nothing.  I think if anything all she probably thought to herself was how we were hurting her.  Because it's generally all about her.  She doesn't know the hurt we've been through in our lives because we don't share that with her.  If we did she'd turn it into her hurt and forget that we even existed.  We finally left because I was so exhausted I couldn't handle anymore.  I slept so much this weekend.  Being sad is extremely exhausting and I want to let the sadness go, but I'm having a hard time doing that this year.  I can't even say I miss our daughter (because I didn't know her), yet I can't help but continue to hurt for her.  Yes, as I said above I know the path we were being led down and I wouldn't trade this hurt for 1 less second with the four kids we have now.  It just doesn't take the hurt away though.

No one around me seems to understand or at least act like they do.  I don't say much.  Since they don't understand, what if they feel the same as mother-in-law and think I should be over it?  Sometimes I just want someone close to me to talk about it and tell me it's okay to still cry.  Sometimes I just want someone close to me to hug me and without any words let me know it's okay to cry and be sad for a little while.

It will be okay I know and I will get through this period as I did before, but until then I just need to allow myself to let it feel real.  I've buried it for so long.  We've not spoken about her in so long.  It's okay to admit she was a part of our life, born or not.

The one thing I keep reminding myself as I hurt going through this grief period again is that maybe and hopefully, I will be able to comfort my daughters over the loss of their birth families one day because of the loss I've experienced.  I hope they understand better than I have that it's okay to miss them and grieve for them....over time.  It doesn't have to just end because the loss is over....it's never over.  It's on ongoing battle of the heart.

My baby’s growing up and I’m not sure I like it.

I know it's not a huge milestone, but yet it is. We decided to go ahead and drag the toddler bed out again because we thought Chelsi would take time getting use to it and actually staying in it, but she did, both naptime and tonight. I thought for sure she'd mess around because she's always into EVERYTHING. My baby loved her big girl bed. I guess after a week or so and we're sure this will work we'll be permanently putting away the crib. NO MORE BABIES?  I've spent over 10 years now preparing for the next baby.  It's seems so weird to not be planning and having the youngest really grow into toddlerhood. So weird and good all at the same time.

Just not sure what to think of it at this point though.  I love my kids more than anything and I'm going to miss this stage so much.  If you could only record every fun little moment in their lives, I mean just the little things, and then play them back, life would be perfect. 

 

Just some miscellaneous pictures over the past couple of weeks.

They finally got to drag the playdoh out.

 

Chelsi finally got to wear her Korean flag necklace (a gift from a jeweler in South Korea).

Funny Chelsi Pictures….to us anyways. :)

Let's see, here we have Chelsi's "drinkin' spot".  She always either lets her milk dribble down her chin onto the floor or the sippie leaks, so we told her she has to keep drinks in the kitchen.  She decided right at the door between the kitchen and living room is perfect, so now when she wants a drink she just goes and sits on the rug and waits patiently for us to notice she wants a drink.  Then you just have to walk up to her and she'll say "dwink".

 

Here we have Chelsi having some cereal snack in the living room.  We wanted to be somewhat neat, so she had to wear a bib.  She didn't really want to hold the bowl herself though, so she stuck it in her bib.  Pretty smart, we think.



And this is what happens when she's not quite ready to be out of her "dwink".

How sad is YOUR government?

We're trying to get immigration to be a little more consistent and supportive of international adoptive families.  With families that finalize in the country they adopt from USCIS mails the Certificate of Citizenship to the family upon arrival in the United States.  When you don't finalize in-country, but in the United States court system instead, as required with Korean adoptions, USCIS does not do this. 

Heck no!  Our families must pay a few hundred dollars (yes I said a few hundred), fill out a lengthy application and then wait for them to review our child's documentation for the 2nd time and our family's for the 3rd!  I highly doubt they actually review considering they've got bigger fish to fry.  Anyways, on top of the fees going up for what USCIS does very little work for, if any, we have to drive 4 hours to pick up the certificate in person.  In December when I filled out the application their Adjudicator's Field Manual had a subsection that stated in adoption situations the certificate could just be mailed certified and us presenting ID to the U.S. Post Office would be enough justification that we, in fact, picked it up.  But, a month after we submitted our application they took that section out.  When I called the main office, because ours took their number off the internet, they said "sorry you're out of luck" and were beyond rude!

Now on top of that, I've written our state and U.S. Senators and Representatives and they, and their staff, will not even take the time to call and visit with us on the issue.  Of course, I also wrote some other state's U.S. Senators hoping just someone will help and nothing!  I also wrote Washington State Senator Paul Shin because he's a Korean adoptee himself.  And though he can't help because it's very difficult to work on a national issue from the local level HE took the time to write us a letter.  Signed in ink, personalized and not a form letter!

What can I say....I'm very disappointed!

Max won Grease, You’re the One that I Want!!

I've been cheering for him since the beginning.  He reminds me of our youngest son, just a little goofball, but so cute!

I so wish I could go to NY to see Grease!!  I still remember when my mom first let me see it and I've loved the movie ever since.  I've seen it far too many times to count.  I can't wait until my daughters start watching it with me.

It's a timeless movie that is so much fun.  I'm so glad my man Max won!!