Crystal Ball

I think at some point in most of our lives we sort of wish we had a crystal ball to see a glimpse of our future to know what choice to make or just for a second to know the choices already made were right for us.  I also think it's human nature to be curious of the lives of others.  Why else would reality tv be so popular?  I watch very little, but not because I'm not curious, but because I just don't have time.

I belong to various support groups between adoption and broken hearts and can't help but wonder what's behind the screen....really?  I mean, what someone shows us on screen is not really them....I would think not anyways.  I mean, do you really think this is the real me?  Here I may look perfect from time-to-time.  No one sees my failures or the times I just plain lose it.  Heck, the folks at work see me all the time and they don't see a lot of that.  My family, however, does.  The ones in the house who are with me on a day-to-day basis and the ones I'm most comfortable with.  I do think this is normal.  That's why I think I sometimes wonder when I see a mom totally lose it at the store thinking they're toning it down there, is it that much worse at home?

I also wonder about myself.  I see other families adding to their family through adoption.  I'm happy for them, but is a tinge of me really a little jealous?  Sometimes, I think maybe.  No, I don't want more.  I'm doing good with the 5 I have.  But, what if I'm jealous of how some can handle 5 little ones (I mean barely school age and under) while I'm treading sometimes with a 13 year old on down to 2?  But, then another part of me thinks maybe that's easier.  I used to think things would be easier as the kids got older, even though wiser moms told me otherwise.  But, yeah, now that we have 3 kids in school, and almost 4 in school, it's getting SO busy.  Not bad busy, sort of fun busy, but definitely crazy busy.  So, yeah a part of me wonders how hard it's going to be for these moms when the kids are all going to school, almost at once.  What if you had 5 then?  Wow!  In then end, I'm glad I heeded some of the warnings and at least kept a little spacing between our 5.  I think that helps a bit.  It eases you into it a little.  I can't imagine all of the kids one by one turning those magical ages each year when they begin school and therefore you have homework, school events and eventually extracurricular activities.  What about the magical age when suddenly you're paying to go somewhere or eat something....or worse yet.  Cole has hit the magical age where he costs what an adult costs.  Of course, for us that 'can' be good sometimes.  If it's to get a free kids meal with the purchase of an adult we end getting all the little kids free and only paying for an adult.

I don't know.  Just some random things I think about on occasion.  Maybe I just needed to write it down to get it out of my head?  Things are never what you think.  A lot of people look happy on the outside or perfect on screen, but life is not perfect.  The one thing I've learned.