Just live

I'm a Type A, obssessive compulsive person.  That's not easy to have them together.  One can feed the other.  For a very long time I've had to control everything.  I live for structure and schedule.  I'm trying very hard to change.

Not that all of those traits are bad, but they can be hard to live with.  Afterall, does anyone really have control of their life?  In reality I never have.  I know that.  Everything since we've been married has taught me that there is no real control.  There's only God's control and how we react to his actions and the actions of others' free will.  I have decided that I'm going to try to just live.  When my work schedule changed from fulltime to parttime I was terrified.  I wanted it so badly for over 10 years, but I wasn't sure how we were really going to do it.  But, now that I've been doing it for 3 months, I realize how much I love it.  As much as I'd hoped; since I was scared that I may end up disliking it.  I always have fears with any big changes in life.  That's just me. 

Things aren't easy, but we're making it.  It will be a little tougher next month when my insurance premiums go up and my paycheck goes down $200/month.  But, I'm still very thankful for my time to spend with my babies before they grow up and my time to do grocery shopping and the little things I need to get done without the insanity.  I know it will end, but I'm living in today and what I have now.  Until my parttime job ends and I have to return to fulltime next year I will continue to enjoy every second of it.  I will continue to make cookies, pies and cinnamon rolls with my kids helping.  I will continue to snuggle that many more moments.  I will continue to be the one home when the get off school; to help with homework and start supper.  And the little kids, for a little longer, will have special grandparent time on the days I work. 

Another thing I've realized is that when it comes to having kids you never have to say you're having more or you're done.  You can make your choices as God or life leads you.  I can honestly say I don't know where our family stands.  I'm happy with our 5.  Very busy and happy with our 5.  But, we have 6 years until we age out of Korea; withstanding the Korean government discontinuing adoptions in 2012 as planned.  We never know if we will decide to go into foster care one day either.   Now, before friends and family freak out when they read this, this does not mean we're having more children.  It just means we don't know.  I do know I do not want to parent more babies.  If the right situation came along, maybe, but I sincerely doubt we would.  I still have the dream of adopting an older child one day.  But, again, things change as life goes on and I'm trying very hard not to plan my life away.  I'm trying very hard just to live.  Live and wait for God's signs.  If they never come then maybe we're never meant to expand our family.   And, honestly, I'm happy either way.

It feels so good to make a decision like this.  I've been grappling with it for a bit now.  My love for my kids is SO immense.  That love spreads to other children with no families to call their own, but I now know after much thought that that doesn't mean we are their family.  It just means I need to pray for them to find families and maybe find other avenues to help.