Treading Water

 

I feel like I'm supposed to be feeling a little better.  I feel like I shouldn't cry with simple words and gestures.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I have always gotten through things and carried on.  We lost our first baby at 22 weeks pregnant.  It was awful.  I cried and mourned and coped (probably poorly), but I went on. I went back to work.  I went back to life.  We went through open heart surgeries with Cole twice.  We went through a spinal cord injury.  We have been through so much and every time I carried on.  I sucked it up and went on.  I guess because we survived it was okay.  I'm not surviving.  I'm broken.  Completely shattered.  And people keep saying God only gives you what you can handle.  That's not true.  I'm not handling this and I don't want to.  When we lost our first baby I saw the bigger picture.  It led us to adoption and I don't regret or feel pain from any of that.  There is no good to losing Cole.  There's no brighter or bigger picture.  I have my 4 younger ones left and I live and try for them.  I'm not hiding the tears well though.  As much as I don't want to do it so often around them, it just happens.  Loving your kids intensely leaves you to be in intense pain.  Getting out of bed in the morning gets harder.  The quiet gets harder.  Talking gets harder.  Just everything is harder.

I'm praying that with a little time it doesn't feel remotely this bad.  I'm praying for healing, but I know the scar will be visible.  I see it on my face already.

I loved you so much Cole.  I would have done anything for you.  I just wanted you safe and with us always, but it's like you always knew it wouldn't be long enough.  I think down deep we always knew too.  That doesn't make this easier.