New beginnings

 

I could post another sad post. That’s most of my days sprinkled by sun peaking out a little at a time. 

Here’s the sun for our 18 year old. She waited patiently and kept looking and finally found something nice that she could afford and should hopefully last her. Fingers crossed. 

She bought this with cash!  She saved everything she’s made and spent some on this car and her first full coverage insurance payment.  Yes, she’s still in high school but we teach the kids about real life. When she runs out of tuition money between scholarships and savings we’ll start helping her where we can. But she’s always had a job just like her sister and brothers before her.  She loves her Naveen!  I hope he lasts all through college and beyond so she can buy her second car with cash and know the joy of not having those loans if possible.  

 #carisdone #rhondaisgone #teachkidsfinances #teachkidsresponsibility 

Hope you had the time of your life

 

I woke up this morning to this song in my head. I hadn’t heard it in so long.   I have no idea what I was dreaming about or why this song.  Before I went to bed last night I prayed to dream of Cole.  I can usually remember at least one dream per night. I don’t remember any dreams of him last night. But this song makes me wonder.  Was he sending the song to me?  It’s fairly fitting for everything that happened. I’m trying not to question why it had to happen. I have all of the videos and photos in my head that I replay over and over again to hear his voice and see him. I probably always will.

 #missmyson #grief #talktoangels

Do something for others

 Nothing will ever change what happened.  We’re not angry at God or anyone else. We will always have questions caused by human nature but those will never be answered and we know this. While I’m sure everyone would have written the same checks to an education fund for our high school and college kids we wanted to really make Cole’s life make a difference. We asked that people instead make donations to our charities in memory of him. 

It’s already been almost 3 weeks. Some days I can’t stop crying and then I have more moments when I think he’s just in KS and will be calling. And then we find out things like what he had his siblings as beneficiaries on like he knew he would be taking care of them. The more I deal with all of this the more I found out I didn’t know a lot of things and he had so much more than even we knew and was much deeper. Spoiler. For anyone who wrote blank checks we made them out to Make a Wish. The day Cole got his wish was a day he couldn’t stop smiling. We want to make a child smile too. 

#toosoon #myson #makeawish #americanheartassociation #childrensmirackenetwork 

Utterly exhausting

 

 

The loss of a child is really unbearable.  Having to lose an adult child means taking weeks to close things out and get to a point of peace. We all returned to work and school and it was hard. I cried often. Some days I didn’t get much done. My mind was not focused.  My mind just couldn’t do what it’s done so many other times….push through. 

Today we took our son’s ashes to all of his favorite places and returned him to God.  I prayed so hard for this child 28 years ago and was blessed with his birth 27 years ago. And today we gave him back. It was hard yet peaceful at the same time. The last little bit was the hardest.  We cried.  I’m glad we did it together. Just the 6 of us.  6 of us.  It’s always been 7. I’m just not sure about this yet. 

We got to his camper to clean things out today. Originally I wasn’t supposed to help. But I think it was good for me. We didn’t know that in his downtime from his job he was making candles and jewelry.  As we went through the important things and maybe some unimportant, the kids all grabbed small things that just made them think of Cole.  Jae took all of the sunglasses.  Shirts, coats, Cardinals memorabilia coin and of course all of the hunting and fishing things. His Godfather, who plays guitar, took the guitar to remember him by. I’m sure to a lot of people none of this would be anything but junk but we will always think of Cole with these things.  The hats hanging in our basement along with his jersey and deer. The old dirty hat one of his good friends wanted. We left the camper still filled with some of his things. Today was enough. I may go back for one of his cutoffs to wear kayaking. My tribute to my son. We said it all of the time about him. He was freakishly strong and the hardest worker we ever knew.  Every employer always confirmed that. 

My son Cole.  Amazing.  I wish I had the chance to tell him that more often. Tell your kids the truth. But make sure they always know the good and the bad. Follow up something you don’t like with something you do. I know he knew because we talked about this stuff but I’ll never get to tell him again. 

I love you so much and I’ll continue our conversations. 

Treading Water

 

I feel like I'm supposed to be feeling a little better.  I feel like I shouldn't cry with simple words and gestures.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I have always gotten through things and carried on.  We lost our first baby at 22 weeks pregnant.  It was awful.  I cried and mourned and coped (probably poorly), but I went on. I went back to work.  I went back to life.  We went through open heart surgeries with Cole twice.  We went through a spinal cord injury.  We have been through so much and every time I carried on.  I sucked it up and went on.  I guess because we survived it was okay.  I'm not surviving.  I'm broken.  Completely shattered.  And people keep saying God only gives you what you can handle.  That's not true.  I'm not handling this and I don't want to.  When we lost our first baby I saw the bigger picture.  It led us to adoption and I don't regret or feel pain from any of that.  There is no good to losing Cole.  There's no brighter or bigger picture.  I have my 4 younger ones left and I live and try for them.  I'm not hiding the tears well though.  As much as I don't want to do it so often around them, it just happens.  Loving your kids intensely leaves you to be in intense pain.  Getting out of bed in the morning gets harder.  The quiet gets harder.  Talking gets harder.  Just everything is harder.

I'm praying that with a little time it doesn't feel remotely this bad.  I'm praying for healing, but I know the scar will be visible.  I see it on my face already.

I loved you so much Cole.  I would have done anything for you.  I just wanted you safe and with us always, but it's like you always knew it wouldn't be long enough.  I think down deep we always knew too.  That doesn't make this easier.  

Perspective

 

It really was a beautiful day. Tonight I think about how this time last week the youngest two and I were laughing because of a senior game of senior assassin going on. Some threats for kids to come over and using J to get to her. I had texted Cole earlier about Easter and the candy he wanted. I wish it wasn’t really just idle chatter between us and rather one of our good conversations. But in the end I can’t live in regrets. I know we told each other every time we spoke to each other and a lot of texts. He had really gotten good about that. Never being afraid to tell us. 

His friends, many not all, made the 5 hour drive to be with us. One of his best friends brought Ruger to say goodbye. We have entrusted him to her knowing Cole really loved and trusted his friend. Seeing him and meeting his friends was healing.  Hearing from these friends we had only just met of how much Cole had told them about us was great. They assured us how much he loved us and they said they could tell how much we loved him. 

His memorial was beautiful. We stuck to things we knew he would want.  Short prayer and memory of him by our deacon.  He mentioned the song Unimaginable, from Hamilton, not knowing that that play is a favorite of Chelsi and I and I had just told her this week that that song had popped into my head.  It was perfect. We laughed on old memories. We cried. A LOT!  Tomorrow and every Easter after will not feel the same.  We lost our first baby Easter weekend and now I’ve lost another. I’m going to keep going because Cole would want that and I have 4 more amazing kids that need us. And they really have been amazing.  Between experiencing their responses in this hard time for our family, seeing the outpouring of support for all of them and us today (I can’t even imagine how many people came it was so many) I know that we’re raising good humans. 

Give those kids hugs tonight.  Don’t let silly arguments keep you from saying I love you even once.  Take the pictures and videos of your adult kids even when they don’t want you to. Love them unconditionally and love the bond your kids develop with each other. 

#noregrets #lovemykids #gonenotforgotten

I love you

This may be a mix for now, awhile or forever.  A mix of saving money and a mix of a journal for me.  A way for me to remember my son and my feelings as I try to navigate the rest of my life without him.  I sent him the text below a couple of days after the news.  I had to tell him one more time. 

The last few mornings I woke up crying immediately.  Yesterday was a little better.  I didn't cry right away.  Today, I woke up super early and though I'm not sobbing uncontrollably as I have I'm just sadder than yesterday. I can feel him.  I can remember what it was like hugging him.  And because he towered over my 5'5" frame at 6'5" tall, I always wrapped my arms around his mid torso.  Unless he bent down that's just what I had to do.  He only bent down for all of his grandmothers.  I can still see him in my house.  I can see him in the doorway of the hall to my room as he would come in there to say something or standing at the top of the stairs as he came for a visit or was getting ready to leave and came to say goodbye.  

The last time he left......2 weeks ago, he was going to be here while I was gone to work so that he could get some business done locally.  I said goodbye the night before and kept the security video of him leaving that morning.  It was a weird habit I had anytime the kids left.  Those never got deleted.  I have him talking to Ruger that morning and I'll forever get to hear his voice because of that.  I'm thankful for that.  I miss his voice already.  We didn't talk everyday.  He was very busy with long days at work and friends beyond measure.  But he always called for news, recipes and how tos.  And the last minute calls to say he was coming home.  

I pray I can feel his hugs forever, in my mind.  I pray I can here the way he would say "what?!" and smile REALLY big.  I have videos of his childhood and some of the faces he made in those never really changed.  We've been looking back on those and smiling.  They don't make me sad. They make me remember and feel.  I don't ever want to not feel even when the pain hits.  

Drive your older kids crazy.  Whip out the phone.  Take the 5 second videos and quick pics so you have their smiles, their voices and their funny expressions.  Don't regret a second.

Cole. I don't even know what to say. There isn't enough space to say it all.  I love you so much. I have loved you since the day I found out we were having you. You are amazing.  You were the kids I prayed to have and the kid I prayed for daily for God to walk with you and keep you safe. I guess he wanted you back. I will never ever understand.  I try not to question this stuff anymore. It's exhausting to do so. I only wish I had more time with you. I still see you standing in the doorways towering up the top.  Washing your red dirt clothes from OK so you can go to bed after a long drive here. Seeing you play video games and chat with Jaemin always made my heart melt.  I wish I had told you.  I said what I felt so I don't have a lot of regrets. I always wanted to make sure you knew I loved you no matter what. Even when we disagreed. I hope you truly knew it was never being said just to be said. I feel tremendous love for all of you. You were the first I loved like that. I hope you're looking down on all of us who loved you. I know you'll keep us all safe.  You always saw angels when you were little so I guess God just kept you close because you were special. I always wanted to see how your story turned out. I always felt like you were here to impact this world. I lm sad you didn't fully get the chance.  But those of us who got you feel the impact.  Those of us who were fortunate to love you.  Those of us God felt worthy. You were a free spirit who never apologized for being different. That's what made you....you.  I promise we will always talk about you.  I promise we won't let the world forget you.  I always said Jaemin was the final piece that sealed up my heart but now it's cracked and definitely broken. It can never really be healed. Just taped and bandaged together.  You always knew you wouldn't live forever.  Your heart condition gave you a different outlook on life that I guess I thought was negative but I'm glad you saw that you needed to live every single day and celebrate every single day. Jaemin told me the other night that he knew you were happy.  I'm glad he saw that. I love you my baby boy. With all of my heart and my soul and I will until I see you again. We can still talk though. I will talk to you like I do my grandmas. Give them all hugs please. One of your really good ones. I love you.  God I love you so damn much. It hurts to love some one so much. I thank God I got to love you for 27 years.  Goodbye.