Add to Difference Post

So, I was thinking about my post regarding parenting differences.  I also meant to touch on, but forgot just parenting the adopted child differently than past generations.  There's always talk of both sides of the coin.  We know better than previous generations of adoptive parents, due to education and experience through them than they did.  But, we still can do better.  I always agree a parent can do better.  No doubt for any parent.  We are not perfect, by all means.

But, I think sometimes we go overboard.  There are a-parents that want their children to just mesh in and become Americans and that's that.  I think that's simplifying it, but a summary of what some parents do.  This is much the same as decades ago.  Some parents drastically change their lives for their adopted children.  They will uproot and move to a diverse area of their state, city, etc. so their child will never 'feel' out of place.  They make extra efforts for everything by reading every book, joining every group, etc., etc.

I would never say either is wrong.  It's a parental choice on how or where to raise your children regardless of how they came to your family.  But, I can't help but wonder sometimes are extremes, just too extreme?  We can never know what the real personality of our children will be in their teen years and later when a lot of adoptees begin to vocalize that their parents didn't do enough for them,or possibly too much?  How do we know that by going to extremes we're not making them any less unhappy...if that makes sense?  Some adoptees I have spoken with are perfectly content with the way they grew up and it was no different, or very little, from my upbringing.  I guess I tend to take a middle of the road approach.  My three children are Korean-Americans, but I tell them they can be whatever they feel.  If they want to say they're American, Korean-American or Korean, it's up to them and it may change through their life how they feel.  We don't go to camps, but mostly because we can't afford to all go as a family and we usually do most things as a family.  I am learning Korean, but for me...not them.  It's my choice.  I've told them that if they want to learn here and there I will teach them what I know, which is about their level anyways.  We cook Korean because of them.  At least that's what made me find the recipes and started it.  Now, I cook it because I enjoy it like I do Mexican and Chinese.  We do small traditional things too.  We have Korean items, music and art in the house, but we will never be Korean.  We love the culture and do what we can, but don't immerse in it.  We can't.  We don't have the ability and it's not feasible for many reasons.  They will never be denied their birthland by us.  It will always be important...of course, or we wouldn't be trying so hard to return to a country I have grown to love.

The other thing some a-parents do is dwell on our children's adoptedness.  Everything our children do, then, is linked to them being adopted.  Even simple, normal, phases of childhood get blamed on them being adopted.  Sometimes it is because of being adopted...no doubt.  Some children do have attachment problems.  Some children do take longer to bond because of their previous broken bonds.  But do we take this to extreme too?

I know I've changed a lot over the past 3 children.  I knew a lot less with our first and progressively more, now.  But, I've been guilty of blaming things on adoption.  I, for instance, thought Jaemin wasn't sleeping through the night because he needed reassurance we were still here.  I mean afterall, he wasn't ill or anything else all the time, so it had to be that.  Since we started his Zantac 3 nights ago he's a completely different boy.  He's always been my angel, but he's so happy now.  He still gets up some, but quiets within seconds.  I can't even get to his room before he finds his paci back and quiets.  And he's now babbling sounds he's never said before.  He feels so good and is SO happy.  This whole time, it was this.  Or it seems to be.  So, it's easy when there's nothing visual, to just assume.  Turns out he has bonded greatly, he just hurt.

So, while I do keep a watchful eye for attachment and all I know about it, I will try to decide and decipher whether it really may just be a childhood phase or something else, completely unrelated to adoption.   There's never hurt in seeking professional help if an a-parent feels it could be attachment related, but the symptoms of attachment really mimic a lot of other things too.  And, early on, when babies/children first come home we can't really expect that attachment checklist to be marked off in any particular amount of time.  So they will cry and they will go through certain phases for weeks or months.  That's normal AND okay.  We, as adoptive parents, need to give them and ourselves some slack.

Lisa