Are they really so different?

I mean biological children from adoptees?

I know a lot of adoptees do feel different from their siblings who are biological to their parents and I'm sure that same scenario can be vice versa too.  But, a lot of the adoptees you hear from were adopted decades ago.  So much has changed.  Adoptive parent education has greatly changed and not to mention just the world itself.  I know there's a vast difference between the world I grew up in and the world my sister grew up in.  We are 1 decade apart and a lot of times it feels that we are a full generation apart.  I truly believe there's a generational gap between her and I.  It closes in as we get older, of course, it's there.

Our attorney was watching my kids interact with each other in the hallway while we were waiting to finalize Jaemin's adoption last month.  She mentioned that a lot of siblings she sees together where some are biological and some are adopted, and close in age, don't interact the same.  She asked if they're the same way at home.  I said "of course, sometimes they fight and sometimes they don't, but which ones are doing what varies."  She asked how we broached the topic of adoption long ago and I told her the thing when we first started the process 8 years ago the boys were only 5 and 2.  While we included our oldest in the discussion nothing seemed out of order to them or any different than a baby coming home from the hospital.  They never acted any different.  And as she got older they began including her on both the fun and the fights.  Progressively, each time we adopted, we included the older children on the decision.  We are very open with our kids and told them the negatives such as; not as much money for vacations, stuff, etc.  But, did they want another child to share their lives with?  The answer has always been yes...without hesitation.  Even when Jaemin's surprise call came they really never hesitated, even knowing that number 5 would make things even more difficult.

Are they really so different?  We do treat them different on occasion.  But, it's mostly in our reactions.  Some of what we do different is based on what we've learned from previous parenting and getting older.  Some of our different parenting is things like not letting people hold right away, holding them more often, doing things that would look like spoiling, but are really just trust building exercises.  We experience more because of them....but that's not parenting.  This is more of an expanded world for us, that is due to them.  We are fortunate to have our eyes opened up to Korean cuisine and the beautiful culture.  If I had a close friend or family member I think I would be the same way because I am curious by nature.  Do we really treat them different?  I think no.  Even some of the stuff that I have learned from adoptive parenting are good things to do for any parent and since the world is evolving I've noticed nonadoptive parents doing some of these same things.

Will my children have issues because we adopted some of them?  Maybe?  Will my children have issues because we didn't go to Korea to get some of them?  Maybe.  But, I think a lot of that will be their personality.  For now, I know that we do our best.  We have open, honest discussions with them and I thoroughly encourage them to talk to me about anything.  I hope they always do.  I open discussions if it seems like the opportune time and close them when they're not at their level.  I never lie though.

I hope my kids don't think they were any different to us, one day.  I hope they realize they all mean the world to us.  We could care less how any of them came into the world....we would move mountains to take care of them and protect them.  I love watching them interact.  You can see the bond between them all.  Their bond is close.  They do fight and often, but that's not unexpected considering their closeness in age and the fact that in a house this small you can't actually get away from anyone.  For God sake I have to go to my closet for timeout.  But, they're amazing, even at their worst.  I'm glad they will always have each other.  I'm glad that because of three of them we will have some experiences we would never have had without them...such as going to Korea.  There's nothing better than memories with your family.  And they are my family and Korea is part of me because it's part of them.

I think I actually ventured a lot...but in the end I just don't think they're really all that different.  We do our best with all 5, regardless and by default of personality they are all 5 different and we do parent them 5 different ways.

Lisa