"After the Airport"

I don't want to hog the bittersweet day that today is; being my son's birthday which is a good day for us and most probably a sad day for his birth parents in Korea.

I wanted to give notice to this blog article written by another adoptive mother.  This article holds so much truth.  First in her appreciation for homeschooling mothers.  I couldn't even imagine what it takes to homeschool your own child and to the point that can get to college to succeed.  I couldn't do it, but sometimes wonder if their input would help all of the struggling public schools as they seem to do it well for the most part.

 Mostly, I want to address this article in the truth that it holds for a lot of adoptive parents, me included. I'm fairly truthful here and in my life because I wear my heart on my sleeve, but no one wants to whine about the child they've wanted and prayed for for so long.  Even if it's just a bad day, no one wants anyone to think, for a second, that they are not thankful or don't appreciate those children they admittedly have been blessed with.  No one.  But some days, you just need to be able to say what this author said. 

Are we blessed with our 5?  No doubt in my mind.  Do I love everyone of them?  Absolutely.  I even had someone ask me, not too long ago, point blank if I had a favorite child.  While, some years ago when I only had younger children I might have said yes.  I admit that I used to think I did.  A couple of children and many years ago though.  Now?  I love pieces of everyone of them and I dislike pieces of everyone of them.  They're not perfect and with this imperfection comes desirable behaviors and undesirable behaviors.  I love stages that each one has gone through, each differently, and dislike stages each one of them have gone through.  But, mostly I will tell you that with our happy family of 7 are struggles.  If a parent, even without adoption, doesn't admit this I think they're lying, but hey I could be wrong?

I think we were sort of dealt struggle from step 1.  We lost our first child and our first born was born with a heart defect that required open-heart surgery.  We were young enough back then to take it fairly in stride.  So I do feel like we dealt with that well.  We were too young and naive to worry like I would today.  Our adoptions have never been a struggle when it came to paperwork process.  There were never those awful delays that made a parent wonder if they'd ever be united with their child.  But, I do admit I think I had a bit of post-adoption depression once.  My TMJ amplified the issue and at times I wondered what we had done.  There are times that the behavior of a coupe of our children make me question whether it's due to the losses and adoption processes or just their personality.  Our youngest wears me out to the bone.  I've never been so exhausted in my life, parenting him and I'm not THAT old.  He's just one of those active children that can be tired and still run circles around you. He struggles with language, is mildly delayed.  This is not a big issue, but his way of dealing with it is yelling or hitting to compensate for his frustration.  He's always been a hitter, since he came home from Korea.  It's gotten better and you can't blame him if you imagine what he's been through being separated from everything and everyone he knows and loves.  That is no longer an issue, but the behavior remains intact and we're left to deal with it.

All of this said, and this is not my life by a long shot, I love my children and couldn't imagine one of them not in my life.  I can, however, back up what the author of the article above was trying to say.  After parents come home with adopted children, they lose the support they had while in process.  This is when it gets hardest.  This is when the family and the child is trying to attach and get to know each other and these are the most complicated process pieces of adoption.  I don't care how good of parents they are they need support and help.  Everyone thinks adoption is different because the child is older than a newborn.  Not so.  You have to treat your child as a newborn of sorts so they can go through all of the processes their brains need to build those emotional attachments to their new family and surroundings.  But, the families get abandoned with no help while families with newborns get help.  My opinion is that at least newborns sleep a lot.  These kids are coming home walking, active, and ready to go.  These families are emotionally and physically drained by the time the kids come home and they've still got the hardest job ahead of them. 

Someone I know said to me just two weeks after Jaemin came home that I was "strung out".  Honestly, it hurt and it hurt bad.  She didn't know me well enough to say it first of all and second I'm allowed to be a little tired after stepping off of a plane and a 24 hour journey with a 9 month old 20 lb active boy just two weeks prior that wasn't sleeping because it was his daytime.  So, in addition to what the author of "After the Airport" has to say I want to add give newly united adoptive families a break!  Until you've been there with a stranger in your home that you have to get to know you don't know.  Instead, maybe ask if they could use some help; a meal, some laundry done....anything.  You have no idea how many offers are just words into the wind offers where there are no good intentions behind them.  When we've had our kids and Brian had his accidents we had offer after offer to help with this and help with that and nothing ever came to fruition.  I was a good thing I was always too busy to care enough to think about it or I probably would have been sorely hurt.

I'm getting sort of random now, but really wanted to point to this article that was really well worded about a families needs after children arrive.  I echo support of her article; every piece of it rings so true.

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/after-the-airport