Here I am again

 

I remember this view 2 years ago. Thinking it was all just a bad dream but waking up to the same view with the same thought for weeks.  The realization?  My son was still gone. 

2 whole years.  I feel so much further from him now.  Family just moves on and it feels less and less like he existed to anyone but us. Our friends have been amazing. Reaching out on those two extra hard days in March. Just messages of “we’re thinking about you.”  

Yesterday I couldn’t help but think maybe if these two days were separated by months it would be easier. Not all of the grief hitting me at once.  Please understand it’s not a schedule. It doesn’t just hit in March.  I work through it more often than I don’t.  I push the tears back often to focus and function well at work.  It’s a trick I’ve become very good at but am starting to feel the toll. I need to be able to slow down.  I’m need to be allowed to feel it.  I am exhausted trying to clean up my face before a meeting and push all the tears and lumps in my throat down deep to work. 

It’s really a lot and it’s guess one month or not it’s going to be a lot 

Happy birthday

 You loved nature.  Just like your first birthday last year we spent it in the same place with your tree.  Of course this is not the same tree since the organization was negligent and didn’t take care of it. Just a few days ago they planted a bur oak in its place. We all agreed it’s a bit gnarly looking but our son would love it.  

We saw a salamander which isn’t common to see and our youngest daughter moved him off the trail so he wouldn’t get stepped on.  He was moving very slow for some reason.  We saw a hawk and it let us walk onto the platform before it flew away.  I see something new every time and I walk every holiday there.  I walk because it makes me feel close to him out in nature.  Feeling the sun on my face is like him smiling at me.  I now walk as often outside as I can.  

I love you kod.  I never imagined I wouldn’t see you turn 30 and that’s next year. And that shadow I’m sure I saw walk in front my tv last night…..was that you?  It was so much shorter than you.  You would have towered over the tv but maybe you’re different there?  Know we love you still and miss you.  Sometimes more than my heart and mind can handle and today was definitely exhausting with emotion that burst at the seams.