Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Why should one person’s actions reflect on an entire group?

That can be said for any organization, culture, belief, etc.

Here's a link I was sent regarding the VA Tech tragedy this past Monday.  I've seen so much floating around the internet.  Some people making racist comments and others realizing that making these comments won't take the hurt away from the people directly affected by this tragedy.  The people it directly affects are the victims involved, their friends and families as well as the Cho's. 

It's sad that in the year 2007 you can have comments that foreigners should "go back to their own country".  It's sad that so many have forgotten how they came to be here in the first place.  They may not have immigrated themselves....maybe not even their parents or grandparents, but more than likely someone did.  That is what makes this country great.  People from all walks of life.  This one young man was obviously disturbed, depressed, etc., but how does that make a whole culture/ethnicity bad?  It has nothing to do with it.  He is an individual that acted individually.  Take note how many countless other acts of violence are committed by caucasians.  It doesn't make the rest of the caucasian community bad.

I'm sad for what happened.  It's absolutely horrible and a person/parent's nightmare come true.  I pray that something like this never happens again.  But, no one can promise that.  Saying people shouldn't immigrate would never be the answer.  There's a huge difference between legal immigration and illegal immigration.

I just pray that the people who feel this way, thinking no one belongs here except them, come to realize that thinking is not how this country came to be or what it's about.  I pray the people of S. Korea from whom I have heard from feel at peace that most United States citizens do not feel anger towards the entire Korean or Korean-American population.  I'm amazed at the caring conveyed by South Korea for one man's actions.  That shows such honor.    I pray for the families across the country involved in this terrible action and pray for them to get through this.  I can't imagine how hard this has been for any of them.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Feeling better now.

I feel much better in the last day or so than I did all of last week.  I'm no longer in tears at the drop of a hat.  I think it helped just to talk to some friends about my grief.  I hadn't allowed myself to do it for so long.  I know better than that and would never tell a friend to keep it in, but it's hard on the other side.

Hopefully, I can talk about her here and there and this won't happen again to such a sad degree.  I haven't been this sad in so long and I hate how it makes me feel.  I know it's good to get yourself through it and feel it, but it feels so uncontrollable and I felt so vulnerable.  That's a hard feeling on a Type A personality.

Monday, April 9, 2007

This week has been long, upsetting and depressing

I couldn't figure out why I'd been so touchy.  Even Brian said I was being that way Thursday morning....way more than usual.  :)  On my walk into work I kept thinking to myself, "what is bothering me?".  Just like that it hit me what day it was.  It was April 5th.  April 5th, 11 years ago we lost our first daughter.  I was 21 weeks pregnant.  I just emailed the doctor 2 years ago to even find out what the sex was.  I couldn't bear to know until then. 

I know her loss was to bring us to where we are now.  I know that without losing her we'd not have Cole or Chase or Kaelin or Chelsi and I'm terribly thankful to God for that.  It doesn't make her loss any less sad though.  For some reason this year has just been harder than any other.  We lost her Good Friday 11 years ago and here it was right before Easter weekend when I realized what day it was.  It was like a freight train running right into me.  I couldn't control my tears at work and I'm still working to keep them under least to a degree. 

My mother-in-law was not there for us when we lost our daughter.  She did not dare try to comfort us or just give us a hug and say nothing.  Saying nothing with a hug is a perfect reaction.  It's a reaction we had from my mom, stepdad, aunt and uncle.  A gift on Easter that I will never ever forget.  Then when Brian called her to tell her we wouldn't be staying long for Easter this year she thought I should have been over it by now.  We went for a little while and all the while I was thinking "you know, maybe I'd feel better if she just walked up to me and gave me a hug and we'd both know exactly why and I'd forgive and forget all the things she's done to hurt us".  But, we stayed for 1 1/2 hours and nothing.  I think if anything all she probably thought to herself was how we were hurting her.  Because it's generally all about her.  She doesn't know the hurt we've been through in our lives because we don't share that with her.  If we did she'd turn it into her hurt and forget that we even existed.  We finally left because I was so exhausted I couldn't handle anymore.  I slept so much this weekend.  Being sad is extremely exhausting and I want to let the sadness go, but I'm having a hard time doing that this year.  I can't even say I miss our daughter (because I didn't know her), yet I can't help but continue to hurt for her.  Yes, as I said above I know the path we were being led down and I wouldn't trade this hurt for 1 less second with the four kids we have now.  It just doesn't take the hurt away though.

No one around me seems to understand or at least act like they do.  I don't say much.  Since they don't understand, what if they feel the same as mother-in-law and think I should be over it?  Sometimes I just want someone close to me to talk about it and tell me it's okay to still cry.  Sometimes I just want someone close to me to hug me and without any words let me know it's okay to cry and be sad for a little while.

It will be okay I know and I will get through this period as I did before, but until then I just need to allow myself to let it feel real.  I've buried it for so long.  We've not spoken about her in so long.  It's okay to admit she was a part of our life, born or not.

The one thing I keep reminding myself as I hurt going through this grief period again is that maybe and hopefully, I will be able to comfort my daughters over the loss of their birth families one day because of the loss I've experienced.  I hope they understand better than I have that it's okay to miss them and grieve for them....over time.  It doesn't have to just end because the loss is's never over.  It's on ongoing battle of the heart.

Monday, April 2, 2007

My baby’s growing up and I’m not sure I like it.

I know it's not a huge milestone, but yet it is. We decided to go ahead and drag the toddler bed out again because we thought Chelsi would take time getting use to it and actually staying in it, but she did, both naptime and tonight. I thought for sure she'd mess around because she's always into EVERYTHING. My baby loved her big girl bed. I guess after a week or so and we're sure this will work we'll be permanently putting away the crib. NO MORE BABIES?  I've spent over 10 years now preparing for the next baby.  It's seems so weird to not be planning and having the youngest really grow into toddlerhood. So weird and good all at the same time.

Just not sure what to think of it at this point though.  I love my kids more than anything and I'm going to miss this stage so much.  If you could only record every fun little moment in their lives, I mean just the little things, and then play them back, life would be perfect.