Inevitable moments

It’s been an entire month. An entire 30+ days without our son.  I’m doing okay. I’m doing better.  But, yesterday I saw something and my impulse was to call him to ask him about it and within a split second I realized I couldn’t. That was a hard moment but one that was going to happen.   

For the first time in over a month the corner of my counter is empty. For weeks it sat there with lists of people to send thank yous to, checks and money from people to forward to the charities and other things to take care of. Don’t get me wrong. We’re still dealing with things of his to close out and take care of that just takes time but it’s dwindling down and allowing my thoughts to not be constantly reminded and consumed in utter sadness all of the time.  

I still have a little trouble with finding joy. The track meets are hard. I haven’t gotten back to yelling at and for everyone but I’m going and I’m clapping to cheer the kids on.   And when I go downstairs I get to see his favorite hats hanging where nothing was ever hung before and instead there was just emptiness that seemed awkward.  Deer mounts on the wall that he begged me to hang while he was traveling and a jersey framed that he loved.  All things that can now make me smile and think of him. 

#missyou. #lostson #tryingtoheal

 

Haircut weekend…coming soon again

 

It was haircut morning a few weeks ago. Ugh. It’s time again since the hair on the heads of the guys in this house grows FAST!!  But I had always cut hair out of necessity since everyone was young to save money. Could you imagine for 4 guys how much it would cost monthly?  Now they just prefer I do it. We had a friend doing it and she did a great job but she decided she didn’t want to cut hair anymore.  The girls don’t get theirs cut often but when they do it’s chunks like this. And the shades of hair in this house crack me up. We just need red.   

#haircuts #savemoney #monthlysavings

New beginnings

 

I could post another sad post. That’s most of my days sprinkled by sun peaking out a little at a time. 

Here’s the sun for our 18 year old. She waited patiently and kept looking and finally found something nice that she could afford and should hopefully last her. Fingers crossed. 

She bought this with cash!  She saved everything she’s made and spent some on this car and her first full coverage insurance payment.  Yes, she’s still in high school but we teach the kids about real life. When she runs out of tuition money between scholarships and savings we’ll start helping her where we can. But she’s always had a job just like her sister and brothers before her.  She loves her Naveen!  I hope he lasts all through college and beyond so she can buy her second car with cash and know the joy of not having those loans if possible.  

 #carisdone #rhondaisgone #teachkidsfinances #teachkidsresponsibility 

Hope you had the time of your life

 

I woke up this morning to this song in my head. I hadn’t heard it in so long.   I have no idea what I was dreaming about or why this song.  Before I went to bed last night I prayed to dream of Cole.  I can usually remember at least one dream per night. I don’t remember any dreams of him last night. But this song makes me wonder.  Was he sending the song to me?  It’s fairly fitting for everything that happened. I’m trying not to question why it had to happen. I have all of the videos and photos in my head that I replay over and over again to hear his voice and see him. I probably always will.

 #missmyson #grief #talktoangels

Do something for others

 Nothing will ever change what happened.  We’re not angry at God or anyone else. We will always have questions caused by human nature but those will never be answered and we know this. While I’m sure everyone would have written the same checks to an education fund for our high school and college kids we wanted to really make Cole’s life make a difference. We asked that people instead make donations to our charities in memory of him. 

It’s already been almost 3 weeks. Some days I can’t stop crying and then I have more moments when I think he’s just in KS and will be calling. And then we find out things like what he had his siblings as beneficiaries on like he knew he would be taking care of them. The more I deal with all of this the more I found out I didn’t know a lot of things and he had so much more than even we knew and was much deeper. Spoiler. For anyone who wrote blank checks we made them out to Make a Wish. The day Cole got his wish was a day he couldn’t stop smiling. We want to make a child smile too. 

#toosoon #myson #makeawish #americanheartassociation #childrensmirackenetwork 

Utterly exhausting

 

 

The loss of a child is really unbearable.  Having to lose an adult child means taking weeks to close things out and get to a point of peace. We all returned to work and school and it was hard. I cried often. Some days I didn’t get much done. My mind was not focused.  My mind just couldn’t do what it’s done so many other times….push through. 

Today we took our son’s ashes to all of his favorite places and returned him to God.  I prayed so hard for this child 28 years ago and was blessed with his birth 27 years ago. And today we gave him back. It was hard yet peaceful at the same time. The last little bit was the hardest.  We cried.  I’m glad we did it together. Just the 6 of us.  6 of us.  It’s always been 7. I’m just not sure about this yet. 

We got to his camper to clean things out today. Originally I wasn’t supposed to help. But I think it was good for me. We didn’t know that in his downtime from his job he was making candles and jewelry.  As we went through the important things and maybe some unimportant, the kids all grabbed small things that just made them think of Cole.  Jae took all of the sunglasses.  Shirts, coats, Cardinals memorabilia coin and of course all of the hunting and fishing things. His Godfather, who plays guitar, took the guitar to remember him by. I’m sure to a lot of people none of this would be anything but junk but we will always think of Cole with these things.  The hats hanging in our basement along with his jersey and deer. The old dirty hat one of his good friends wanted. We left the camper still filled with some of his things. Today was enough. I may go back for one of his cutoffs to wear kayaking. My tribute to my son. We said it all of the time about him. He was freakishly strong and the hardest worker we ever knew.  Every employer always confirmed that. 

My son Cole.  Amazing.  I wish I had the chance to tell him that more often. Tell your kids the truth. But make sure they always know the good and the bad. Follow up something you don’t like with something you do. I know he knew because we talked about this stuff but I’ll never get to tell him again. 

I love you so much and I’ll continue our conversations. 

Treading Water

 

I feel like I'm supposed to be feeling a little better.  I feel like I shouldn't cry with simple words and gestures.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I have always gotten through things and carried on.  We lost our first baby at 22 weeks pregnant.  It was awful.  I cried and mourned and coped (probably poorly), but I went on. I went back to work.  I went back to life.  We went through open heart surgeries with Cole twice.  We went through a spinal cord injury.  We have been through so much and every time I carried on.  I sucked it up and went on.  I guess because we survived it was okay.  I'm not surviving.  I'm broken.  Completely shattered.  And people keep saying God only gives you what you can handle.  That's not true.  I'm not handling this and I don't want to.  When we lost our first baby I saw the bigger picture.  It led us to adoption and I don't regret or feel pain from any of that.  There is no good to losing Cole.  There's no brighter or bigger picture.  I have my 4 younger ones left and I live and try for them.  I'm not hiding the tears well though.  As much as I don't want to do it so often around them, it just happens.  Loving your kids intensely leaves you to be in intense pain.  Getting out of bed in the morning gets harder.  The quiet gets harder.  Talking gets harder.  Just everything is harder.

I'm praying that with a little time it doesn't feel remotely this bad.  I'm praying for healing, but I know the scar will be visible.  I see it on my face already.

I loved you so much Cole.  I would have done anything for you.  I just wanted you safe and with us always, but it's like you always knew it wouldn't be long enough.  I think down deep we always knew too.  That doesn't make this easier.  

Perspective

 

It really was a beautiful day. Tonight I think about how this time last week the youngest two and I were laughing because of a senior game of senior assassin going on. Some threats for kids to come over and using J to get to her. I had texted Cole earlier about Easter and the candy he wanted. I wish it wasn’t really just idle chatter between us and rather one of our good conversations. But in the end I can’t live in regrets. I know we told each other every time we spoke to each other and a lot of texts. He had really gotten good about that. Never being afraid to tell us. 

His friends, many not all, made the 5 hour drive to be with us. One of his best friends brought Ruger to say goodbye. We have entrusted him to her knowing Cole really loved and trusted his friend. Seeing him and meeting his friends was healing.  Hearing from these friends we had only just met of how much Cole had told them about us was great. They assured us how much he loved us and they said they could tell how much we loved him. 

His memorial was beautiful. We stuck to things we knew he would want.  Short prayer and memory of him by our deacon.  He mentioned the song Unimaginable, from Hamilton, not knowing that that play is a favorite of Chelsi and I and I had just told her this week that that song had popped into my head.  It was perfect. We laughed on old memories. We cried. A LOT!  Tomorrow and every Easter after will not feel the same.  We lost our first baby Easter weekend and now I’ve lost another. I’m going to keep going because Cole would want that and I have 4 more amazing kids that need us. And they really have been amazing.  Between experiencing their responses in this hard time for our family, seeing the outpouring of support for all of them and us today (I can’t even imagine how many people came it was so many) I know that we’re raising good humans. 

Give those kids hugs tonight.  Don’t let silly arguments keep you from saying I love you even once.  Take the pictures and videos of your adult kids even when they don’t want you to. Love them unconditionally and love the bond your kids develop with each other. 

#noregrets #lovemykids #gonenotforgotten

I love you

This may be a mix for now, awhile or forever.  A mix of saving money and a mix of a journal for me.  A way for me to remember my son and my feelings as I try to navigate the rest of my life without him.  I sent him the text below a couple of days after the news.  I had to tell him one more time. 

The last few mornings I woke up crying immediately.  Yesterday was a little better.  I didn't cry right away.  Today, I woke up super early and though I'm not sobbing uncontrollably as I have I'm just sadder than yesterday. I can feel him.  I can remember what it was like hugging him.  And because he towered over my 5'5" frame at 6'5" tall, I always wrapped my arms around his mid torso.  Unless he bent down that's just what I had to do.  He only bent down for all of his grandmothers.  I can still see him in my house.  I can see him in the doorway of the hall to my room as he would come in there to say something or standing at the top of the stairs as he came for a visit or was getting ready to leave and came to say goodbye.  

The last time he left......2 weeks ago, he was going to be here while I was gone to work so that he could get some business done locally.  I said goodbye the night before and kept the security video of him leaving that morning.  It was a weird habit I had anytime the kids left.  Those never got deleted.  I have him talking to Ruger that morning and I'll forever get to hear his voice because of that.  I'm thankful for that.  I miss his voice already.  We didn't talk everyday.  He was very busy with long days at work and friends beyond measure.  But he always called for news, recipes and how tos.  And the last minute calls to say he was coming home.  

I pray I can feel his hugs forever, in my mind.  I pray I can here the way he would say "what?!" and smile REALLY big.  I have videos of his childhood and some of the faces he made in those never really changed.  We've been looking back on those and smiling.  They don't make me sad. They make me remember and feel.  I don't ever want to not feel even when the pain hits.  

Drive your older kids crazy.  Whip out the phone.  Take the 5 second videos and quick pics so you have their smiles, their voices and their funny expressions.  Don't regret a second.

Cole. I don't even know what to say. There isn't enough space to say it all.  I love you so much. I have loved you since the day I found out we were having you. You are amazing.  You were the kids I prayed to have and the kid I prayed for daily for God to walk with you and keep you safe. I guess he wanted you back. I will never ever understand.  I try not to question this stuff anymore. It's exhausting to do so. I only wish I had more time with you. I still see you standing in the doorways towering up the top.  Washing your red dirt clothes from OK so you can go to bed after a long drive here. Seeing you play video games and chat with Jaemin always made my heart melt.  I wish I had told you.  I said what I felt so I don't have a lot of regrets. I always wanted to make sure you knew I loved you no matter what. Even when we disagreed. I hope you truly knew it was never being said just to be said. I feel tremendous love for all of you. You were the first I loved like that. I hope you're looking down on all of us who loved you. I know you'll keep us all safe.  You always saw angels when you were little so I guess God just kept you close because you were special. I always wanted to see how your story turned out. I always felt like you were here to impact this world. I lm sad you didn't fully get the chance.  But those of us who got you feel the impact.  Those of us who were fortunate to love you.  Those of us God felt worthy. You were a free spirit who never apologized for being different. That's what made you....you.  I promise we will always talk about you.  I promise we won't let the world forget you.  I always said Jaemin was the final piece that sealed up my heart but now it's cracked and definitely broken. It can never really be healed. Just taped and bandaged together.  You always knew you wouldn't live forever.  Your heart condition gave you a different outlook on life that I guess I thought was negative but I'm glad you saw that you needed to live every single day and celebrate every single day. Jaemin told me the other night that he knew you were happy.  I'm glad he saw that. I love you my baby boy. With all of my heart and my soul and I will until I see you again. We can still talk though. I will talk to you like I do my grandmas. Give them all hugs please. One of your really good ones. I love you.  God I love you so damn much. It hurts to love some one so much. I thank God I got to love you for 27 years.  Goodbye.  

TSATravel Part 2

 

TSA Part 2.  I already have the liquids in the little containers. I have a kid who will be flying soon to try out some of this.  But we will really give it a test this summer. I love how small these are which means more things in the quart size bag to have less of more products.  

Can’t wait for the trips with these.

#flysmart #smartpacking #tsapacking

File taxes for free!

 

Did you file your taxes this year?  I’ve done ours and helped the high school and college kids with theirs.  We all have our refunds.  Super easy. And super cheap.  You only pay for state and we had a lot of forms to fill out like HSA, education tax credits etc.  No problem.  Try them out!  @freetaxusa   #freetaxes #filefree #savemoney

Personalized Phone Case on the Cheap

 

My quick little phone art project. Not the greatest as far as design durability but if you’re someone who wants to change the design of your phone case often this is for you!  I’m totally good with it. I’ll probably redo it from time to time and then let it run off so it looks more like a sketch and not so perfect.  According to Sharpie, on Walmarts website these oil based markers are supposed to be abrasion resistant.  They are not.

Less than $20 all together so you get a lot of designs for that price. Markers are from Walmart and the case is from Amazon. Have fun arting! 

Sharpie-Oil-Based-Medium-Paint-Marker-Set-Silver-Gold

Phone Case

 #diyphonecase #sharpiefun #metallicart 

TSA TRAVEL PART 1

 

Part 1 with some great travel containers to make fitting all of your liquids in 1 quart bags much easier. I’ve always had solid bottles but now I focus on using airbnbs that provide shampoo and conditioner. I’m not really preferential anyways. I do have bar shampoo to bring as a backup.  I also keep a great powder facial cleanser just for traveling too. 

There are all kinds of new ways to carry your liquid hair care and beauty items without overpacking for TSA clearance. 

I am not an Amazon affiliate or influencer. This is strictly passing on things I have found and like onto others as ideas. 

Favorite liquid squeeze containers in multiple sizes, just $8

Lipgloss size squeeze travel containers - my next video will elaborate on these

Travel squeeze bottles more traditional but squeezable

Repeat February

 Repeat February. Last February was rough.  To say the least.  Some hurtful things going on.  

But there were some good days and these were two of them. Last year was Winterfest Princess, this year was Queen. Last year was Hamilton on campus this year was Mama Mia at the Fox.  Last year it was just her and I for Hamilton.  This year it was both daughters,  my little sis, my mom and my sweet niece. Such a fantastic night with the girls and great Christmas present for my mom.  More nights or days like this please!

#moregirlsnights  #february #showtime 

Makin it look easy

 

The song I posted to Instagram with this was MeghanTrainor’s Don’t I Make It Look Easy. Apparently there are rights keeping the music from being saved with the video.  So I switched it to snazzy surf music for the blog. 

First of all I’ve seen a lot of games at school assemblies but this was one of the most entertaining.  She ended up having to do it twice. One of the penalties of being small. But yeah she makes it look easy. She makes life look awesomely fun and easy. And no one sees her cry.  She’s busy lifting everyone else up and putting them first and being one of the greatest friends I’ve seen. I wish the world to my kids but this song really makes me wish the world to her today.  

#lovemykids #fundoingeverything  #winterfest

Making a list and checking it twice

 Nope. Not Christmas. 

It’s true. I’m really good at filling my Amazon cart. That scroll is about half. But a lot of items have been in there for months. When I think I’ll need an item down the road I throw it in there as a placeholder. I spend months watching prices or just deciding I no longer need or want and then I remove it. It gives me time to really decide and prioritize what I need or really want so that I don’t impulse buy.  Some of these items I really do need for vacation but I have time to buy them. So I will let them sit in there so that I can budget things I need by month and not overspend!  After all the vacation budget is separate from the monthly spending budget. 

Can’t wait for vacation, rather special trip, we have talked about for several years.  I’ll elaborate more on what brought it to fruition suddenly, later  

 #vacationbudget #monthlybudget #noimpulsebuying #slowdown

Hugs make the world better

 

Hugs are universal. Hugs cannot always fix a feeling or situation but I can release you and make you feel better. It makes the person giving feel better and the recipient feel better. My husbands accident was 16 years ago and this person’s simple and random act of kindness still makes me cry. It didn’t fix what was going on in the room upstairs but it gave me a release that I needed before I walked into that room. 

Two of my five kids are very huggy. I was not raised that way. But as much as I’m sure some of our behaviors have rubbed off on them I have taken on some of theirs as well. Nature vs nurture is an interesting concept. 

Give someone that hug they may need. Give someone you love a hug just because you need it. After a long day at work a hug can feel really good. 

Be persistent and be nice.

 Just be pleasant and persistent. I decided to give the local store another try since the previous call to the manager that was in resulted in boring because he didn’t believe me. I ended up with the general manager by luck. I explained how many tickets I put in with no contact back from anyone at Dominos. I explained the charge, what happened and the coupons that I had a screenshot of. I told her it was $21.49 plus tax. She insisted on refunding $50 for my trouble. I told her she really didn’t have to and thanked her. Two days later it went through. 

#itsyourmoney #keepyourmoney #benice

Keep fighting for what’s right

 Yeah I’m that girl that returns things that don’t belong to me and at all costs is honest to a fault. So I expect the same in return.  This company doesn’t know me.  I don’t like being taken advantage of  I work too hard to let a corporation steal from me.

It’s exhausting and yes my time is worth more but…. If you keep letting corporations do this they’ll just keep making more money. It’s a bait and switch to give you an “emergency pizza” that is free and coupons to use and then after you hit “place order” they disappear. Only you don’t know it because the email doesn’t come for 10 more minutes and by then you’re in your way to pick up the pizza. I’ve been fighting this $21.49 + tax over charge for over a week now.  I’m prepared to complain to the attorney general if I have to. I’ve called the local and corporate Dominos 3-4 times, created 3 tickets and I only get told they’ll have someone from the franchise call. But it never happens.   Keep going. #dontletthemsteal #keepyourmoney #stealingiswrong 

Cooking together….couple time

 I love toying with flavors and I’m pretty good at it. God love him he tries hard but he needs to stick to recipes. He was wanting to put tomatoes and everything bagel seasoning on the sushi bake.  In his defense, he thought when I put furikake on it I was putting that on instead.  

He always offers to help me. And I know he means well but unless I don’t have enough hands to do it all I feel like I have to explain what I need in such depth it’s easier to do myself.  I generally like to be alone in the kitchen except cutting up onions.  And I’m the messiest cook so I also have to clean up.  No one deserves to clean up after I cook  

#sushibake #cookingtogether #funwithcooking 

Find sparkle

 

I’ve spent the last week being sick and trying to recuperate. I haven’t taken more than a half a sick day in awhile let alone two in a row. This thing was rough. 

If you actually know me you know I’m a little insecure about body image. I’m modest anyways but several years ago after a few years of daily prednisone for 6 months at a time, I gained 35+ pounds and shut down my adrenal gland. I was on them for breathing issues. Long story short I went off to regain control and it took until now to lose 25 lbs of the weight. Covid helped me and the doctors and my bosses realize that something in the building was causing a lot of them. Likely just exacerbating my existing terrible allergies. I have season, indoor and chemical allergies but when I can’t get a break during the cooler months because the irritants are indoors I can’t get over it and I had resorted to daily albuterol and getting sicker. I was getting better because I was able to remote work after we all realized what was happening.  My new job is in a different location and is fine.  I didn’t expect another building to have the same problems obviously.  Then came this cold and I was put back on higher doses of steroids.   I’m not yet where I want to be yet but getting closer, but have already gained a few extra pounds from the meds.

I finally could get, comfortably, back into my comfy old sweater dress that I’ve had for close to 10 years. (Excuse my worn look this was after work, dinner and dishes.) I went to the break room to warm my lunch and a couple of slightly older women were talking. I wasn’t listening and with my ears still clogged couldn’t have heard anyways, but when I turned to walk out they told me how they were saying they wished they had a figure like mine. I so needed to hear that today. This is what I to needed to hear to keep trying to get back to where I want to be and just to feel good about myself in general.  

Thank you for the compliments ladies and this old outfit is staying in the rotation.  This now makes me feel good and saves money!

 #complimenther #makeherfeelgood #maketheirday #recycleoutfits #bringbacktheold