Warning: this is more serious than my usual posts, so don't read if you're wanting light-hearted.
I know different can have a million definitions depending on the context and interpretation. But, my "different" here is our family. When we began the adoption process for the first time over 7 years ago, we knew we would look different. Especially, in an area without high diversity of population and relatively low population to begin with. I guess, I never thought it would bother me to stand out or be different. I know this is something our kids will face one day too, but that's a whole other discussion.
We, honestly, really never noticed it until J came home. I think at this point it's our family size, not the fact that some of our children look a little different than their parents. In past years, when we began our first two processes, I'd always belonged to adoption discussion groups. In these groups you were not really different. You had an opportunity to feel some sameness in the world. But, now, with 5 children and both of us working outside the home I feel different there, as well. All of the topics that come up, that don't relate to adoption, end up making me feel excluded. A lot of the participants in these groups are stay-at-home-moms (SAHM). So they have a kinship with each other and are able to share with each other all day long. They talk about budgeting for food and ways to save money in all areas of living, amongst other things. Problem is; when they discuss budgeting, it usually requires you to have time to shop at 3-5 different stores or make everything from scratch. Having 5 children and working full-time doesn't allow for any of that, yet we don't make enough for the conveniences on the other side either (the families who both work, but make enough for convenience living). Those families you will hear talk about their house cleaners and going out for dinner. We can't do either of those and never will. In recent days, I've realized I can bring myself to read the posts of others in these groups, but can no longer respond. I feel so excluded and too different. I will always peruse in case there are others that show up like us; just having questions through adoption, sibling call and adoption related issues. But, I don't think I can really participate any longer. Maybe in 7 years, it's just run it's course for me?
It's hard to find families who live in the middle like us. Families that are getting by, barely sometimes, paying their bills, not paying for extras (condiments so to speak), trying to raise as many as 5 kids and yes, working full-time. The most stores we have time to shop are 2, and that is a rarity to have that kind of luxurious time. Luckily they're fairly close together, but even getting to the grocery shopping once per week is sometimes difficult. Basically, when we're out of milk I have no choice but make that dreaded Walmart or supermarket stop. Finding time to do anything that may save us money nowadays is 20 times more difficult. And then, the one time we might go out together as a family, other than church, we get stared at.
Even within our local international group. There is no one with this many kids...not in the same house. The only ones I even "know" of have older children. Everyone at work has about 2-3 kids. That's the same in our small group of friends too. The couple of people I know at work that have as many do because of grown stepchildren. Within our local group I have not met anyone with more than 2 adopted and even those are fairly few.
I want to know someone else that works full-time, out of the house, has more than 4 kids, doesn't have large incomes combined so bills aren't easy, but they're paid. I want to know someone like us. Thank goodness our kids don't really seem to notice our differences to other families. :)
So if anyone out there is like us, know you're not alone. There are others out there and we're all doing fine!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
It's on....
One of the big boys made a face; crossing their eyes and sticking out their tongue. So, all 3 of the older kids had to try it. You be the judge, but C's was probably the best.
Jaemin has many moods throughout....an evening. We'd like to say a day, but every second is different. :)
When we need Motrin for teeth, this is the look.
When we love our brother, this is the look.
When we love our daddy, this is the look.
When we want our paci, we will move anything in our way to get it, this is the look.
And finally, when it's the end of the evening, we hadn't had a nap and we're just plain tired, this it he look.
Jaemin has many moods throughout....an evening. We'd like to say a day, but every second is different. :)
When we need Motrin for teeth, this is the look.
When we love our brother, this is the look.
When we love our daddy, this is the look.
When we want our paci, we will move anything in our way to get it, this is the look.
And finally, when it's the end of the evening, we hadn't had a nap and we're just plain tired, this it he look.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
General Pics
Just some regular, everyday, pictures since I really haven't taken too many in a little while.
Pretty C
J likes to watch big brother.
Smart K
Playing together through the window.
Handsome man.....Got Milk?
Isn't J precious!
Pretty C
J likes to watch big brother.
Smart K
Playing together through the window.
Handsome man.....Got Milk?
Isn't J precious!
Sibling calls and the intricacies of
I've been "chatting" with a mom who received a sibling call a month or so ago. It's amazing how much you truly do not understand until you've been in this situation. This particular family was unable to accept. I believe for financial, which I can truly appreciate. She's been trying to find out if the baby's referred family will know the baby is a sibling to their child so they can have "some" sort of contact. She said the agency (I don't know who) is not helping at all. The agency only let the family have a week to make their decision, is acting like they're unable to help put them in touch with the other family, etc. She's going to try to write a letter and forward it to the family through the agency, but is unsure it will do any good.
To me this is so terribly sad. You truly get very little information with these calls. They're very vague. The fact that their agency couldn't give them a little more time is just wrong. I've seen other family's have time to begin fundraising before giving a definitive answer on siblings. The other problem she and I discussed is how the agencies don't seem to understand that it's just not as simple as a yes or no answer. Money is an enormous factor. It's very different purposely walking into an adoption process and having one sprung on you in a matter of a week and before you know it you're knee deep in papers again. I truly wish their were grants for families like ours and these others. I would like to start one, but don't have a clue where or how to begin. I hate that other families are in this situation similar to ours and have to decline purely for this reason.
I mean how many people can suddenly with one week's thought decide to have another child? In one week, the family has to consider the dynamics of their family, the money they will have to get through a loan to pay for the adoption, and simply adding a child in a VERY short amount of time that they had not planned. I get the argument that it's the same as suddenly becoming pregnant...yes and no. You do already feel this could be your child, but you did nothing to put out the possibility of having another child. And in most cases you do NOT get 9 months to prepare. We had 2 months!
I hope the agencies do more to support families during this time, if it approaches. I was aware it could happen , but it's just different actually being there. Thinking you know what you'd do and proceeding are two very distinct things. Is it wrong to accept...NO. Is it wrong to decline the referral....NO! These families have to do what's best for them at the time. The thing is, how do you know what's best for your family in 1 week! I hope agencies realize they need to give families more time. I don't think they're all this way, but I do think/know some are. Can they try to support these families just a little more. Realize the magnitude of the situation and feel for them as people?
I'm absolutely not speaking of our situation. We had heard from other families the time period to decision is pretty short, but they really didn't give us a timeline. We decided fairly quickly, within a week, but we were fortunate. Not everyone's situation is as clear and easy to make that decision. Our agencies were great. While I would have liked to have worked more closely with our homestudy agency since we were familiar with them, etc., we didn't get the choice. You are at the mercy of whichever Korean agency the birth mother places at and then whichever US agency the Korean agency releases them to. It's not necessarily convenient.
So some of the reasons we chose to accept instead of decline; we tried to put money aside first, so we would not get stuck on that. That either is or isn't. Did we feel ready and could we do everything else for this little man? We first went to Brian's mom since she provides daycare to make sure she had room in daycare for him. That was one thing we felt strongly about so he would have an easier transition by being with his sister and around a caregiver he would see at other times other than daycare days. After that was taken care of we had spoke with each other already, but then we talked to all the parents (grandparents) to get their input. We eventually realized they weren't for or against it. They were for whatever we could make work. But, we did feel some reluctance in all of their attitudes and voices. But, we realized that was probably for fear for us. They knew this was big. We finally gave a small version of the story to the kids because unless they were for it we would not pursue. We did not want them to feel slighted in anyway. Last, I needed to talk to someone who was not a close friend or family member. I needed someone slightly removed to help me think about it. I spoke to our priest and he was wonderful. I talked to him about my fears and concerns. He told me some stories and talked to me for a bit and then I left after we decided to watch for God's signs for the most important concerns/fears I had. Brian and I discussed the money part and decided we did not have enough, nor did we have the option of a personal loan again. A couple of days, after the weekend was over, I had thought of an idea about how we could make our home loan work for us by refinancing for a lower rate and we were given a small gift. Refinancing worked out perfectly. It was exactly what we needed to feel "safe" with it. That and another concern were relieved and we were ready. We felt we were being led very directly and must proceed.
Other families do not get this choice. They don't get the answers they're looking for. Things don't fall into place and they don't feel at peace immediately when they have to say no. They anguish. We anguished. It an enormous decision. I woke up the very first night we found out about J to go to the bathroom and thought "oh this didn't really happen" and then I realized it did and I just felt sick. It's that big of a decision. I didn't feel sick because I didn't want him. I felt sick because I was so unsure what to do and did want him and was afraid we'd have to say no. I cried a lot. We talked so much those days. We talked about what happens if we do and what happens if we don't. In the end, Korea wasn't sure if J would even be adopted into the US, but may remain for adoption in Korea. That worried us that he would never be told he has a sister and they would never ever know each other. Then we realized that our biggest regrets in life would be not having him here with us. We would never regret having him in our lives. That, in the end, won over everything.
So, if you're reading this and thinking you would absolutely say yes, no matter what. Great. But, you may find your answer surprising. It's fine what anyone's personal decision is on this as long as we remember it's to each their own. You cannot condemn or think low of someone who cannot accept and is not in that lucky situation. And I do pray that those who cannot are not in this situation. It's hard enough if you can, in the end.
Lisa
To me this is so terribly sad. You truly get very little information with these calls. They're very vague. The fact that their agency couldn't give them a little more time is just wrong. I've seen other family's have time to begin fundraising before giving a definitive answer on siblings. The other problem she and I discussed is how the agencies don't seem to understand that it's just not as simple as a yes or no answer. Money is an enormous factor. It's very different purposely walking into an adoption process and having one sprung on you in a matter of a week and before you know it you're knee deep in papers again. I truly wish their were grants for families like ours and these others. I would like to start one, but don't have a clue where or how to begin. I hate that other families are in this situation similar to ours and have to decline purely for this reason.
I mean how many people can suddenly with one week's thought decide to have another child? In one week, the family has to consider the dynamics of their family, the money they will have to get through a loan to pay for the adoption, and simply adding a child in a VERY short amount of time that they had not planned. I get the argument that it's the same as suddenly becoming pregnant...yes and no. You do already feel this could be your child, but you did nothing to put out the possibility of having another child. And in most cases you do NOT get 9 months to prepare. We had 2 months!
I hope the agencies do more to support families during this time, if it approaches. I was aware it could happen , but it's just different actually being there. Thinking you know what you'd do and proceeding are two very distinct things. Is it wrong to accept...NO. Is it wrong to decline the referral....NO! These families have to do what's best for them at the time. The thing is, how do you know what's best for your family in 1 week! I hope agencies realize they need to give families more time. I don't think they're all this way, but I do think/know some are. Can they try to support these families just a little more. Realize the magnitude of the situation and feel for them as people?
I'm absolutely not speaking of our situation. We had heard from other families the time period to decision is pretty short, but they really didn't give us a timeline. We decided fairly quickly, within a week, but we were fortunate. Not everyone's situation is as clear and easy to make that decision. Our agencies were great. While I would have liked to have worked more closely with our homestudy agency since we were familiar with them, etc., we didn't get the choice. You are at the mercy of whichever Korean agency the birth mother places at and then whichever US agency the Korean agency releases them to. It's not necessarily convenient.
So some of the reasons we chose to accept instead of decline; we tried to put money aside first, so we would not get stuck on that. That either is or isn't. Did we feel ready and could we do everything else for this little man? We first went to Brian's mom since she provides daycare to make sure she had room in daycare for him. That was one thing we felt strongly about so he would have an easier transition by being with his sister and around a caregiver he would see at other times other than daycare days. After that was taken care of we had spoke with each other already, but then we talked to all the parents (grandparents) to get their input. We eventually realized they weren't for or against it. They were for whatever we could make work. But, we did feel some reluctance in all of their attitudes and voices. But, we realized that was probably for fear for us. They knew this was big. We finally gave a small version of the story to the kids because unless they were for it we would not pursue. We did not want them to feel slighted in anyway. Last, I needed to talk to someone who was not a close friend or family member. I needed someone slightly removed to help me think about it. I spoke to our priest and he was wonderful. I talked to him about my fears and concerns. He told me some stories and talked to me for a bit and then I left after we decided to watch for God's signs for the most important concerns/fears I had. Brian and I discussed the money part and decided we did not have enough, nor did we have the option of a personal loan again. A couple of days, after the weekend was over, I had thought of an idea about how we could make our home loan work for us by refinancing for a lower rate and we were given a small gift. Refinancing worked out perfectly. It was exactly what we needed to feel "safe" with it. That and another concern were relieved and we were ready. We felt we were being led very directly and must proceed.
Other families do not get this choice. They don't get the answers they're looking for. Things don't fall into place and they don't feel at peace immediately when they have to say no. They anguish. We anguished. It an enormous decision. I woke up the very first night we found out about J to go to the bathroom and thought "oh this didn't really happen" and then I realized it did and I just felt sick. It's that big of a decision. I didn't feel sick because I didn't want him. I felt sick because I was so unsure what to do and did want him and was afraid we'd have to say no. I cried a lot. We talked so much those days. We talked about what happens if we do and what happens if we don't. In the end, Korea wasn't sure if J would even be adopted into the US, but may remain for adoption in Korea. That worried us that he would never be told he has a sister and they would never ever know each other. Then we realized that our biggest regrets in life would be not having him here with us. We would never regret having him in our lives. That, in the end, won over everything.
So, if you're reading this and thinking you would absolutely say yes, no matter what. Great. But, you may find your answer surprising. It's fine what anyone's personal decision is on this as long as we remember it's to each their own. You cannot condemn or think low of someone who cannot accept and is not in that lucky situation. And I do pray that those who cannot are not in this situation. It's hard enough if you can, in the end.
Lisa
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ahhhhh..a nice "boring" evening
Truly enjoyable!
We really believe in not overbooking children. They should not be so booked with activities that they don't know whether they are coming or going.....which coincidentally is how we feel right now. So, while that's a great idea to not overbook them so they can keep their grades up and have family time, with 5 kids it's pretty much impossible for "the family" to not be really busy. It just depends on the time of year. We pretty much restrict the kids to one activity/sport a year. But, we encourage them to try what they want, once, so they can make a better decision to stick with what they love. So, this year Chase got to do baseball AND football. Last year C did baseball AND basketball and decided he really loved basketball. Chelsi is now old enough to play soccer, so she and K are both playing and therefore we have 3 sports going during the same 2 month period. We have 1 football practice and 1 football game per week and we have 1 soccer practice and 2 soccer games per week, plus both of us working full-time, getting homework done, grocery shopping, sick kids, doctor appointments, etc.
Tonight, was a rare, calm evening. The kids came home from school and only one had homework. He got it done right away and they played outside quite awhile. I even had time to call and talk to my dad with whom has been calling for a week trying to catch me. Brian helped Cole practice basketball so he can tryout and the girls and J just had a great time with me in the living room. These don't happen often, but you seriously enjoy them when they do.
Here are pictures of what a "boring" life looks like.
And just because he's REALLY cute!
We really believe in not overbooking children. They should not be so booked with activities that they don't know whether they are coming or going.....which coincidentally is how we feel right now. So, while that's a great idea to not overbook them so they can keep their grades up and have family time, with 5 kids it's pretty much impossible for "the family" to not be really busy. It just depends on the time of year. We pretty much restrict the kids to one activity/sport a year. But, we encourage them to try what they want, once, so they can make a better decision to stick with what they love. So, this year Chase got to do baseball AND football. Last year C did baseball AND basketball and decided he really loved basketball. Chelsi is now old enough to play soccer, so she and K are both playing and therefore we have 3 sports going during the same 2 month period. We have 1 football practice and 1 football game per week and we have 1 soccer practice and 2 soccer games per week, plus both of us working full-time, getting homework done, grocery shopping, sick kids, doctor appointments, etc.
Tonight, was a rare, calm evening. The kids came home from school and only one had homework. He got it done right away and they played outside quite awhile. I even had time to call and talk to my dad with whom has been calling for a week trying to catch me. Brian helped Cole practice basketball so he can tryout and the girls and J just had a great time with me in the living room. These don't happen often, but you seriously enjoy them when they do.
Here are pictures of what a "boring" life looks like.
And just because he's REALLY cute!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Happy Chuseok!
This weekend was Chuseok (Harvest Moon/Thanksgiving). It's a major holiday weekend in most, if not all, Asian countries. We celebrated by going on a hayride with other local adoptive families. The kids roasted some hot dogs and marshmallows and then we went on the hayride. It was a VERY long ride and the kids loved it! Our two littlest fell asleep on me. Ks freind M, from school, was there and they loved getting to be together an extra day.
I baked some sesame seed cookies or ggae gwa ja. They were yummy. I doubled the batch so we'd have extra at home. :)
Happy Chuseok to those celebrating this weekend.
Lisa
I baked some sesame seed cookies or ggae gwa ja. They were yummy. I doubled the batch so we'd have extra at home. :)
Happy Chuseok to those celebrating this weekend.
Lisa
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