Today, I'm....well.....officially annoyed. I had to put in about a month ago to return full time to work. We just can't continue to deplete our savings to pay bills and my out-of-pocket for medical is going up again next year. We finally heard after a week of my boss and I prodding, that I was denied. We're still trying to find out what happened and she's pretty sure it will get overturned, but I have to wait until later this week to find out what happened and what's going to happen to me. So, I spent Friday night freaking and stressing out. I loved having this year to spend time with Jaemin and I would do it indefinitely, but unfortunately life happens and bills need paid. There's no amount we can cut to be able to do that and still have our small house to live in. I never did hear about the other job I'd applied for. I obviously know I didn't get it, but would still love to know why I wasn't considered.
Now, after losing my voice and getting progressively raspy for the past 2 or 3 months I had to go to urgent care. I was trying to wait until tomorrow, but I felt too bad this morning to wait. Brian likes my sexy phone voice, but I can't breath. The doctor was completely shocked at the amount of allergy meds I'm on, including Advair for my breathing, and I still managed to get severe bronchitis into pneumonia. So, now I have a temp, which I rarely run, and got put on antibiotics and steroids and sent home to get better. It's so frustrating to not be able to breath. I love being outside at this time of year, but this time of year is my enemy out there. My chest absolutely burns like it's on fire and he said my airways and lungs are completely inflamed. I'm not contageous, but I'm sure people are afraid of me when they hear how bad my cough is. After 13 years of shots and daily meds (3 different meds a day) plus my albuterol inhalder right now I'm completely annoyed that I can still get this sick and feel this bad. And obviously the nurse practitioner at my allergy docs office was wrong when she said the steroid shot she gave me 3 months ago would easily last 4 months when I was having trouble back then. I'd scream, but it takes entirely too much energy!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My baby's transition
Jaemin's crib has been removed from my room....because he really was only using it as a jungle gym. But, now that he's sleeping with me all the time I was hoping to get some leverage out of it. He, well, is NOT a morning person. He fights it so hard. He really doesn't like taking off his diaper to go potty. That requires far too much effort. I told him that IF he doesn't start going potty willingly when he wakes up he'll have to sleep in his bed. Because he just wants me to shut up in the morning he immediately says okay.
Tonight's the night. I tried it last night, but he snuck into my room and snuggled into bed. Tonight I got smart and locked my bedroom door. He really hasn't fussed about it, though we all know he doesn't like sleeping in his bed. I kept checking on him and he just looks so....I don't know the words. Like he's just given up. Thrown in the towel, though I doubt that's actually true knowing Jaemin. He'd rearrange himself in bed and give that 'huh' sound as he laid down. It was so darn cute that Brian had to remind me to stay strong and leave him in there. Mostly because we both know that sometime in the night he will wake up and come in my room again.
All with patience and in stages, right? We'll get there one day and at the very least I hope to have a dry boy through the night and be permanently and forever done with diapers in this house!
Tonight's the night. I tried it last night, but he snuck into my room and snuggled into bed. Tonight I got smart and locked my bedroom door. He really hasn't fussed about it, though we all know he doesn't like sleeping in his bed. I kept checking on him and he just looks so....I don't know the words. Like he's just given up. Thrown in the towel, though I doubt that's actually true knowing Jaemin. He'd rearrange himself in bed and give that 'huh' sound as he laid down. It was so darn cute that Brian had to remind me to stay strong and leave him in there. Mostly because we both know that sometime in the night he will wake up and come in my room again.
All with patience and in stages, right? We'll get there one day and at the very least I hope to have a dry boy through the night and be permanently and forever done with diapers in this house!
cell phones and your kids
My oldest is 14 1/2. Somehow I've gotten off real easy with cell phones. He has only asked 2 or 3 times over the years about when, but never a fight, argument, rude remark. We decided that he turned 15 he should have a Tracfone so he could get used to the responsibility of having a cell and the usage on it. But, he threw us and decided he wants to Wrestle (if his cardiologist lets him). Practice starts this week, so we decided to get me something else and start him with mine now. Cole got his birthday present over 5 months early along with a lecture of how the rules work. He was all smiles. I mean it's crazy, but there are 1st graders at school with phones. NUTS!
The 11 year old came down while we were discussing and asked what it was about. I then said "I suppose you want too now". He looked at me like I was crazy and scoffed. He said "I don't want a phone." I said can you wait 'til you're a freshman too? And thankfully he said he could.
The deal is he uses this phone until he turns 16 and it goes to our pantry every night to charge where I can get to it and I can check calls and texting. Then, he can decide what to do after he turns 16 and gets a job. I told him either I could continue to pay for his Tracfone, in full, and he could learn to budget 1100 minutes a year or he could get a Go Phone or some other plan and I'll pay for a portion of it. This will give him a lot of time to think about it and start budgeting his money or ideas of money he may have.
Good life lesson for him and one thankful mom that I don't have kids that have to have it and have it NOW!
The 11 year old came down while we were discussing and asked what it was about. I then said "I suppose you want too now". He looked at me like I was crazy and scoffed. He said "I don't want a phone." I said can you wait 'til you're a freshman too? And thankfully he said he could.
The deal is he uses this phone until he turns 16 and it goes to our pantry every night to charge where I can get to it and I can check calls and texting. Then, he can decide what to do after he turns 16 and gets a job. I told him either I could continue to pay for his Tracfone, in full, and he could learn to budget 1100 minutes a year or he could get a Go Phone or some other plan and I'll pay for a portion of it. This will give him a lot of time to think about it and start budgeting his money or ideas of money he may have.
Good life lesson for him and one thankful mom that I don't have kids that have to have it and have it NOW!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Beautiful Days
I'm taking comfort, today, in the notion and belief that there are beautiful days ahead always. This is the belief that gets me through anything or has in the past. I try not to think about what may or may not happen so much. Try is the key word.
I've been trying to get some help for our ADHD child. We have a backup prescription ready for the first time in 7 years of dealing with this. We're still going to give the vitamins more time. He's only been on them for 1 week, so hopefully we'll see some changes. I've had a lengthy phone conversation with the school counselor and she has assured me that all of the kids in his grade are having major transition issues. She did at least tell me that he can stop Spanish class at semester and take ASL next year as his foreign language. If he feels he needs to give up, I think I'm going to let him. He's such a visual learner and even with our help is struggling. ADHD gets better as they get older in some ways, but there's always something new with it that they have to learn to deal with. I'm hoping we can stay off meds, but I'm not ruling it out either. I have a call into the coordinator for special services to have them test his reading/writing ability to make sure there's nothing else going on after speaking to another specialist today.
My little many's behavior has, in many ways, gotten worse over the last week or so. I didn't feel any choice but to call around to see how we can help him further. The development ped in April only found him to have mild expressive speech delay, but was unsure about his behavioral oddities. I have an email to her nurse to make sure she doesn't think anything of him still having the same tendencies, with no real changes, now that he's 3. 3 is such a magic number. In so many ways they seem older and really into the throws of toddlerhood instead of infant, but he almost seems more trapped there. My cuddly little boy still doesn't quite know how to make friends or look at me, consistently, when I talk to him. There are seldom long gazes. But at 3, I can get him help. So, the school is also supposed to call me back about evaluating him. My guess is still on the spectrum of Aspergers. I confirmed my mother in law, who has a daycare, thought the same thing. If we can get him evaluated by the school then we can get some help from a great center for special needs.
So as I talked to several specialists in several areas and described two of my boys, I teared. Not all in out crying, but tears as I realized in my words there were so many truths that I so badly don't want to believe, but I do. I hurt for them both and hope they will be okay, mostly socially. I love my children with a passion that makes it hurt that much more when I have fears about them. So, I sit back, take a deep breath and decide that another beautiful day is coming and they will be okay.
I've been trying to get some help for our ADHD child. We have a backup prescription ready for the first time in 7 years of dealing with this. We're still going to give the vitamins more time. He's only been on them for 1 week, so hopefully we'll see some changes. I've had a lengthy phone conversation with the school counselor and she has assured me that all of the kids in his grade are having major transition issues. She did at least tell me that he can stop Spanish class at semester and take ASL next year as his foreign language. If he feels he needs to give up, I think I'm going to let him. He's such a visual learner and even with our help is struggling. ADHD gets better as they get older in some ways, but there's always something new with it that they have to learn to deal with. I'm hoping we can stay off meds, but I'm not ruling it out either. I have a call into the coordinator for special services to have them test his reading/writing ability to make sure there's nothing else going on after speaking to another specialist today.
My little many's behavior has, in many ways, gotten worse over the last week or so. I didn't feel any choice but to call around to see how we can help him further. The development ped in April only found him to have mild expressive speech delay, but was unsure about his behavioral oddities. I have an email to her nurse to make sure she doesn't think anything of him still having the same tendencies, with no real changes, now that he's 3. 3 is such a magic number. In so many ways they seem older and really into the throws of toddlerhood instead of infant, but he almost seems more trapped there. My cuddly little boy still doesn't quite know how to make friends or look at me, consistently, when I talk to him. There are seldom long gazes. But at 3, I can get him help. So, the school is also supposed to call me back about evaluating him. My guess is still on the spectrum of Aspergers. I confirmed my mother in law, who has a daycare, thought the same thing. If we can get him evaluated by the school then we can get some help from a great center for special needs.
So as I talked to several specialists in several areas and described two of my boys, I teared. Not all in out crying, but tears as I realized in my words there were so many truths that I so badly don't want to believe, but I do. I hurt for them both and hope they will be okay, mostly socially. I love my children with a passion that makes it hurt that much more when I have fears about them. So, I sit back, take a deep breath and decide that another beautiful day is coming and they will be okay.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Fall
I really do love fall. The weather's nice enough to get stuff done and pretty enough to actually enjoy being outside. We enjoyed watching Chase's football game Saturday. Win or lose it's always enjoyable watching one of my boys play. I hope to have many years of that between the boys.
We came home and worked on the house for 4 hours. Dirt digging, hard manual labor with many blisters. All we need is the rocks and the very back of the house will look nice. I have so many other things in mind we need to do, but we need money and time. We'll see what all we can get to.
After we got done Brian grilled our burgers and dogs and we had a nice, leisurely dinner together. I mean we always eat our dinners together, but there was no where to rush off to and we could just enjoy. We chit chatted and laughed. It was really nice.
Hoping for many, many more days like today this fall.
We came home and worked on the house for 4 hours. Dirt digging, hard manual labor with many blisters. All we need is the rocks and the very back of the house will look nice. I have so many other things in mind we need to do, but we need money and time. We'll see what all we can get to.
After we got done Brian grilled our burgers and dogs and we had a nice, leisurely dinner together. I mean we always eat our dinners together, but there was no where to rush off to and we could just enjoy. We chit chatted and laughed. It was really nice.
Hoping for many, many more days like today this fall.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Perfection and Imperfection
In connection with my last post, I wanted to say that my children have perfections and imperfections. I don't even know them all yet as some of them are still very young. I'm learning to appreciate all of these imperfections as I'm getting to see more of their perfections, knowing that no one person is perfect.
I'm here to talk openly about it. I won't say anything that will hurt my child or try not to, just to make other parents realize they are not alone. Half the battle of parenting is realizing that you are not the only one with imperfect children so you can feel better and quit beating yourself up. I know I beat myself up, plenty as a parent even when I know I'm not alone, thinking I should be a better parent then I try so hard to be. I want to be a perfect parent to my children and I'm finding I'm not capable of that. I'm hoping that as long as I'm trying my best, though, God will understand and my kids will forgive me for my lacking areas.
What do I love about them and really, strongly dislike about them? Hmmm?
- Cole is great at giving us dirty looks when he dislikes our parental decisions or really to anybody he feels has wronged him. Cole has a short fuse with his siblings, but I don't think can really imagine his life without them. I wish he had a stronger ability to show his love for members of his family, on his own. Cole has a strong will that has kept him surviving with a heart condition that could have kept him down or worse. Cole has worked hard to try to live with his ADHD and do things that others can do with ease. Cole is working to accept the live God gave him and the things his heart prohibits him from doing while his peers do freely. You have to think highly of a teenager who has to deal with such an adult issue. Even adults wouldn't deal that great with this. I have high hopes for Cole. Because he's been through so much he has tools young adults don't come into adulthood with and this will make him better and stronger if he allows it. Cole can talk to adults like a young adult already. Cole is pretty funny, but doesn't always have the confidence to show it to everyone. Cole has some common sense that will help in as he gets older and as a teenager especially.
- Chase has a knack for throwing great tantrums. He's the only one that gets mad enough to use his words and say "I hate you" to us. He's really good about finding something else to do when work needs done around the house, but works hard if they're outside and work needs done for someone else. Chase still hugs and kisses his mom goodnight and I know he'll find it bad that I put this in writing, but it's a great thing to a mom and he won't understand until he's a dad how many parents always want hugs and kisses from their kids no matter how old. Chase is a funny, fairly confident kid that can be anywhere and have fun. Chase is a good athlete, but doesn't let that rule who he is and remembers his brother and his limits and I believe he realizes how lucky he is to do the sports he wants without his brother's limits. I'm thankful he doesn't make it a big deal to Cole and Chase's sweet heart keeps him from making it a big deal so Cole doesn't feel any worse. Chase is a creative artist. This creativity will far beyond art.
- Kaelin. She is a dingy replica of her aunt. Sorry M, but she looks like you and acts like you and that's not a bad thing because I love you too. Kaelin can be a leader, but with her friends is often a follower and wish she were more confident to lead. Kaelin is drama almost 24/7. Kaelin can make wrong choices and hide them well. Kaelin is sometimes too agreeable and doesn't always verbalize how she really feels and what she really wants. This can be good and bad, but most parents what to know the truth of their child's feelings. Kaelin doesn't always like to take responsibility and own her bad choices. Kaelin is BEAUTIFUL; inside and out. Kaelin has her own style and I hope she'll always be confident enough to go with it and believe in herself. Kaelin is a good person, she just needs a little more belief in herself to show everyone who she is and they can see what we already know about her. Kaelin is really funny. It's fairly subtle sometimes, but it's truthful and funny all at the same time without being hurtful to anyone. Kaelin's the kids that's on top of things and prepared.
- Chelsi is a little emotional. Chelsi has a temper and can't walk semi-quietly, for such a little body, to save her life. Chelsi has a tendency to be so smart that when she acts her age you want to get mad at her, but then have to remember how old she really is and that she's just normal sometimes. Chelsi still looks like the sweet baby I brought home 5 1/2 years ago. She has that sweet round face that my mom told me I always had and I was the only one of the grandkids to get the round face my great grandma always thought was so beautiful. Chelsi's jokes are innocent yet written for adult funny. She gets everything and you can just talk with her. She is so proud of her little brother and is so happy to have him with her and she makes sure we know she loves him; though she yells at him often enough. Chelsi is still a cuddler.
- Jaemin is Jaemin. We say this often because he is the only one like himself. He is a one of a kind kid. He's so stubborn, wild and unruly. Sometimes he seems to catch onto things slower than his peers, but out of the blue will let you know he knows it. He's quirky and beyond active. Jaemin can take time to stop in for a hug or a kiss. Jaemin is huge fan of anything ball; baseball, football, basketball. Jaemin is almost always smiling; 5 minutes after he's in trouble or mad he's smiling again. Jaemin is growing up too fast for his mommy.
The thing my kids all have in common is that they are all smart. Varying degrees, yes, but they are smart and have a lot of academic capabilities. My kids all, even though they don't want to admit it, have a love for each other and will help each other when one another really need it. My kids are all loving, beautiful kids. I love talking to my kids. I love our individual talks we have. They remind me that they think far more than we give them credit for sometimes and make me realize that they're becoming great people...or remind me of that better yet. My kids all make me crazy, but give me reasons everyday to make me remember how much I love them and am thankful for them the way they are. My kids are exactly who God meant them to be and always will be. They are a beautiful mess of perfection and imperfection gift wrapped and ready to be opened slowly.
"After the Airport"
I don't want to hog the bittersweet day that today is; being my son's birthday which is a good day for us and most probably a sad day for his birth parents in Korea.
I wanted to give notice to this blog article written by another adoptive mother. This article holds so much truth. First in her appreciation for homeschooling mothers. I couldn't even imagine what it takes to homeschool your own child and to the point that can get to college to succeed. I couldn't do it, but sometimes wonder if their input would help all of the struggling public schools as they seem to do it well for the most part.
Mostly, I want to address this article in the truth that it holds for a lot of adoptive parents, me included. I'm fairly truthful here and in my life because I wear my heart on my sleeve, but no one wants to whine about the child they've wanted and prayed for for so long. Even if it's just a bad day, no one wants anyone to think, for a second, that they are not thankful or don't appreciate those children they admittedly have been blessed with. No one. But some days, you just need to be able to say what this author said.
Are we blessed with our 5? No doubt in my mind. Do I love everyone of them? Absolutely. I even had someone ask me, not too long ago, point blank if I had a favorite child. While, some years ago when I only had younger children I might have said yes. I admit that I used to think I did. A couple of children and many years ago though. Now? I love pieces of everyone of them and I dislike pieces of everyone of them. They're not perfect and with this imperfection comes desirable behaviors and undesirable behaviors. I love stages that each one has gone through, each differently, and dislike stages each one of them have gone through. But, mostly I will tell you that with our happy family of 7 are struggles. If a parent, even without adoption, doesn't admit this I think they're lying, but hey I could be wrong?
I think we were sort of dealt struggle from step 1. We lost our first child and our first born was born with a heart defect that required open-heart surgery. We were young enough back then to take it fairly in stride. So I do feel like we dealt with that well. We were too young and naive to worry like I would today. Our adoptions have never been a struggle when it came to paperwork process. There were never those awful delays that made a parent wonder if they'd ever be united with their child. But, I do admit I think I had a bit of post-adoption depression once. My TMJ amplified the issue and at times I wondered what we had done. There are times that the behavior of a coupe of our children make me question whether it's due to the losses and adoption processes or just their personality. Our youngest wears me out to the bone. I've never been so exhausted in my life, parenting him and I'm not THAT old. He's just one of those active children that can be tired and still run circles around you. He struggles with language, is mildly delayed. This is not a big issue, but his way of dealing with it is yelling or hitting to compensate for his frustration. He's always been a hitter, since he came home from Korea. It's gotten better and you can't blame him if you imagine what he's been through being separated from everything and everyone he knows and loves. That is no longer an issue, but the behavior remains intact and we're left to deal with it.
All of this said, and this is not my life by a long shot, I love my children and couldn't imagine one of them not in my life. I can, however, back up what the author of the article above was trying to say. After parents come home with adopted children, they lose the support they had while in process. This is when it gets hardest. This is when the family and the child is trying to attach and get to know each other and these are the most complicated process pieces of adoption. I don't care how good of parents they are they need support and help. Everyone thinks adoption is different because the child is older than a newborn. Not so. You have to treat your child as a newborn of sorts so they can go through all of the processes their brains need to build those emotional attachments to their new family and surroundings. But, the families get abandoned with no help while families with newborns get help. My opinion is that at least newborns sleep a lot. These kids are coming home walking, active, and ready to go. These families are emotionally and physically drained by the time the kids come home and they've still got the hardest job ahead of them.
Someone I know said to me just two weeks after Jaemin came home that I was "strung out". Honestly, it hurt and it hurt bad. She didn't know me well enough to say it first of all and second I'm allowed to be a little tired after stepping off of a plane and a 24 hour journey with a 9 month old 20 lb active boy just two weeks prior that wasn't sleeping because it was his daytime. So, in addition to what the author of "After the Airport" has to say I want to add give newly united adoptive families a break! Until you've been there with a stranger in your home that you have to get to know you don't know. Instead, maybe ask if they could use some help; a meal, some laundry done....anything. You have no idea how many offers are just words into the wind offers where there are no good intentions behind them. When we've had our kids and Brian had his accidents we had offer after offer to help with this and help with that and nothing ever came to fruition. I was a good thing I was always too busy to care enough to think about it or I probably would have been sorely hurt.
I'm getting sort of random now, but really wanted to point to this article that was really well worded about a families needs after children arrive. I echo support of her article; every piece of it rings so true.
http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/after-the-airport
I wanted to give notice to this blog article written by another adoptive mother. This article holds so much truth. First in her appreciation for homeschooling mothers. I couldn't even imagine what it takes to homeschool your own child and to the point that can get to college to succeed. I couldn't do it, but sometimes wonder if their input would help all of the struggling public schools as they seem to do it well for the most part.
Mostly, I want to address this article in the truth that it holds for a lot of adoptive parents, me included. I'm fairly truthful here and in my life because I wear my heart on my sleeve, but no one wants to whine about the child they've wanted and prayed for for so long. Even if it's just a bad day, no one wants anyone to think, for a second, that they are not thankful or don't appreciate those children they admittedly have been blessed with. No one. But some days, you just need to be able to say what this author said.
Are we blessed with our 5? No doubt in my mind. Do I love everyone of them? Absolutely. I even had someone ask me, not too long ago, point blank if I had a favorite child. While, some years ago when I only had younger children I might have said yes. I admit that I used to think I did. A couple of children and many years ago though. Now? I love pieces of everyone of them and I dislike pieces of everyone of them. They're not perfect and with this imperfection comes desirable behaviors and undesirable behaviors. I love stages that each one has gone through, each differently, and dislike stages each one of them have gone through. But, mostly I will tell you that with our happy family of 7 are struggles. If a parent, even without adoption, doesn't admit this I think they're lying, but hey I could be wrong?
I think we were sort of dealt struggle from step 1. We lost our first child and our first born was born with a heart defect that required open-heart surgery. We were young enough back then to take it fairly in stride. So I do feel like we dealt with that well. We were too young and naive to worry like I would today. Our adoptions have never been a struggle when it came to paperwork process. There were never those awful delays that made a parent wonder if they'd ever be united with their child. But, I do admit I think I had a bit of post-adoption depression once. My TMJ amplified the issue and at times I wondered what we had done. There are times that the behavior of a coupe of our children make me question whether it's due to the losses and adoption processes or just their personality. Our youngest wears me out to the bone. I've never been so exhausted in my life, parenting him and I'm not THAT old. He's just one of those active children that can be tired and still run circles around you. He struggles with language, is mildly delayed. This is not a big issue, but his way of dealing with it is yelling or hitting to compensate for his frustration. He's always been a hitter, since he came home from Korea. It's gotten better and you can't blame him if you imagine what he's been through being separated from everything and everyone he knows and loves. That is no longer an issue, but the behavior remains intact and we're left to deal with it.
All of this said, and this is not my life by a long shot, I love my children and couldn't imagine one of them not in my life. I can, however, back up what the author of the article above was trying to say. After parents come home with adopted children, they lose the support they had while in process. This is when it gets hardest. This is when the family and the child is trying to attach and get to know each other and these are the most complicated process pieces of adoption. I don't care how good of parents they are they need support and help. Everyone thinks adoption is different because the child is older than a newborn. Not so. You have to treat your child as a newborn of sorts so they can go through all of the processes their brains need to build those emotional attachments to their new family and surroundings. But, the families get abandoned with no help while families with newborns get help. My opinion is that at least newborns sleep a lot. These kids are coming home walking, active, and ready to go. These families are emotionally and physically drained by the time the kids come home and they've still got the hardest job ahead of them.
Someone I know said to me just two weeks after Jaemin came home that I was "strung out". Honestly, it hurt and it hurt bad. She didn't know me well enough to say it first of all and second I'm allowed to be a little tired after stepping off of a plane and a 24 hour journey with a 9 month old 20 lb active boy just two weeks prior that wasn't sleeping because it was his daytime. So, in addition to what the author of "After the Airport" has to say I want to add give newly united adoptive families a break! Until you've been there with a stranger in your home that you have to get to know you don't know. Instead, maybe ask if they could use some help; a meal, some laundry done....anything. You have no idea how many offers are just words into the wind offers where there are no good intentions behind them. When we've had our kids and Brian had his accidents we had offer after offer to help with this and help with that and nothing ever came to fruition. I was a good thing I was always too busy to care enough to think about it or I probably would have been sorely hurt.
I'm getting sort of random now, but really wanted to point to this article that was really well worded about a families needs after children arrive. I echo support of her article; every piece of it rings so true.
http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/after-the-airport
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