Rumble Ramble

It's been awhile...again.  I say that A LOT!  It's just so busy and this isn't the place I think of, but I think of it while I'm driving.  Oh, I need to write this or that down.  And by the time I get a chance it's gone!

So, Cole is still wrestling.  As long as he finishes the season his coach told him he already has enough points to get a varsity letter.  I'm SO excited for him.  This means that even if he has his heart surgery and never get the chance again he'll still get to be like the other boys.  I told him if his grades stay up even after wrestling and the beginning of next year we will get him a letter jacket before Christmas.  I know this is a big expense for us, but I will find a way to do it for him because he rarely gets some of life's luxuries other kids get.  I want to spoil him just once.

Jaemin had his occupational therapy evaluation and she agrees that he seems to have sensory disorder.  He won't qualify for help through the school unless he has a deficit somewhere else and he does in speech, so they've tested him there too.  Poor guy has had two days in a row of testing and questions...mom too.  The speech therapist said she'll finish up everything sometime next month.  The OT thought there was a good chance they could squeak him in on speech and get him qualified for OT that way.  It's the first time I was validated by any professional and I was so happy.  So she taught me a brushing technique that we can try with him to alert his senses and the theory is that he will eventually not have to stim (stimulate) himself through flapping, running, etc. to soothe his senses.  Neurologically normal kids wouldn't care for it because it can sort of hurt, but he likes it.  It feels good.  We just started it yesterday, so it's hard to say. Probably just coincidence, but for the first time he didn't get upset when I wasn't home at bedtime and he went to bed for Brian before I came home from Cole's match.  He slept all night in his bed without even trying to come in my room.  Hopefully, eventually we'll see differences.  Someone I know said her daughter was in therapy for a couple of years and she saw drastic changes.  The OT thinks he will most definitely benefit and she said she was happy I pushed for the last 1 1/2 years to get someone to take me seriously.  He's such a smart boy.  He's just stuck inside himself sometimes because he can't quite get it out with what all's going on.  The quieter, sometimes the harder it can be for him.

Nothin' new for the other 3.  I had a $100 reward check from a policy I have, so instead of saving it this time I decided to splurge and we took some of it and went out to eat....on a week night.  The kids (or us for that matter) never get to do something this...ever.  It was a nice change.  We just talked and had fun.

Had a talk with Cole last night to make sure he knew  how proud I was of him.  Not because I think sports are important but because he was brave enough to try something he'd never done, not knowing how he'd do and really stuck it out there.  I told him he's the toughest boy on the team and I mean that.  How many kids are lining up for their next heart surgery and do this?  I can't wait to see him more and more because he gets better at each one.  Win or lose you can see a difference.

I can't believe it's almost Christmas.  I'm a little sad because it will be SO different.  I'm not sure I've ever spent a Christmas Day without my family...(mom, sister, etc.).  But, it was canceled because it's usually at mom's and she and M decided to fly to New York to see B and E.  I'd have gone if I didn't have a little boy that's fairly dependent on me.  B deserves to have family too and in his situation he can't just fly back.  It's a compromise for everyone and family does that when they care.  We're going to make the best of it though.  I've bought enough junk food to make us sick.  We're going to (all 7 of us) play games that we get for Christmas and watch the Christmas movies I've been taping all day long.  We can eat wings, jalapeno poppers, little smokies and my must have cheesecake.  Oh and Kaelin requested fruit salad, so that's the only thing I have to really make.  I'm hoping we'll all have a good time just being together.  That's always good for a family, though we are probably together more than most, nowadays.

All is good for the most part and I'm just excited for the kids to have their Christmas now.  We don't buy anything for each other, so we can spend it on them, but I don't care.  I LOVE watching them open their presents.  They're the best kids in the world and really do appreciate the small things in life.

Love unconditionally and often.

Not that I don't already know it, but sometimes it just doesn't hurt to remind any one of us how important it is to love our children and families, hold them close to our hearts and enjoy every moment with them.  I think the times I, personally, need the reminders is when I'm upset with the kids over the small stuff like their constant fighting, their grades, etc.  I need to remember that you just don't know and to let the bad moments pass and love every moment with them.  It's the whole reason I pushed so hard for the cardiologist to let Cole wrestle when he didn't want to.  I decided it was time to let Cole live his life.  Enjoy his life.  What if it's gone tomorrow?  I'd want to know that he was happy.  And right now, while he's wrestling he seems so happy.  In fact, this is the happiest I've seen him since he was little.  It makes me feel so good to see him look happier.  Not that he was depressed or sad all the time.  I just don't know how to describe the difference I see.  Maybe to most people it's subtle, but to me....I see it.  I see his sense of belonging and accomplishment.  It's for him.

If you ever get the chance to watch "The Heart of Christmas" do.  It's so sad, but such a beautiful message that all parents and families should see.  You forget that there are so many families (mothers) going through such awful tough, draining, emotional times while you're complaining about something meaningless.  I'm as guilty as anyone.  I will try to do better.  But, read her caringbridge site for her son.  Watch the movie and then donate to the Dax Foundation.  They are trying to raise money for St. Judes and they have a goal of about 1 1/2 million dollars which is what's needed to run that hospital for just one day.

Enjoy your Christmas this year.  Remember what's important in life.  Slow down and cherish your moments together before they fade away.  Remember and write down everything you can to help you remember the silly things they do and say.  The sweet sounds of your baby's voices.  Live life.


http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/daxlocke

Nothing special

Nothing special going on.  Just life.  Just the normal....for us.  I had Jaemin's planning meeting yesterday at school.  He has his full speech evaluation the week before Christmas and we will hopefully hear from the occupational therapist soon, for her evaluation.  She warned me how hard it is to qualify by state standards and even though she agreed with me on his possible sensory issues unless he has other deficits he probably won't qualify. I'm just going to go with the flow and see how it all goes.  If he doesn't qualify now we can have him evaluated again at 4 years old, if we still feel he has things going on.  He has been doing really well lately in all of the other areas, so maybe things are starting to click for him a bit?  Every kid develops differently and at different times.  We just have to keep up.  I wouldn't trade him for the whole world.

Let's see.  We had Chelsi's Christmas program this week.  It was cute...kindergartners always are!  When we left one of the boys in her class yelled I love you from his mom's car.  I would normally have been taken aback, but he is one of the 1/2 Korean twins in her class and because there are rarely Asians in our school the 3 of them latched onto each other.  So, it was pretty cute.  He's pretty fascinated with her since she looks like his mom's family.  And well, Chelsi....she loves everybody and she'll tell you that.  Thank goodness for happy go lucky, sweet kids.

The other 3 are surviving the end of the 1st semester in school.  Cole will hopefully get through Spanish and then he'll move into computer class next semester, which I'm guessing he'll do much better in.  More his forte.  And he really seems to be enjoying wrestling and I'm so happy he is.  I hope he is able to stay in it since it seems to be doing so much for his esteem and happiness.  I want nothing more than his happiness.  Chase says school is getting harder.  They're trying harder to do a better job of preparing the middle schoolers for Freshman year, so I think they sort of switched gears on him.  So while he's not doing as well as he normally does we're trying to give him some room to figure it all out again and adjust.  Chase will do fine.  He always does.  He has a good, logical head.  Kaelin's still doing fine in school.  She gets a little overwhelmed with math sometimes.  It's just not her strong suite, but we're hoping if we keep quizzing her and helping her it will come easier with time.  She's smart, but sometimes she just doesn't have enough confidence in herself.  When she has confidence she can shock you with the things she says. 

I love normal and I'm glad Christmas is almost here.  I love seeing them so excited.  It's not like our kids get things year around, so I wait just for this day to see them get things they've been thinking about all year long.  So, here's to a very normal 2012.

Bundle of Nerves and a Great Day

Cole had his first wrestling tournament and first match and it was varsity.  Scary!  Most of these guys at the tournament had been wrestling well before high school.  I was so sick Friday and felt worse on Saturday.  I don't know if I coincidentally had a virus or if it was my nerves, but I really felt awful.  The little kids were REALLY good.  We had to drive 2 hours and were there from 9 to 4.  That's a lot for them.

So, onto Cole.  He lost his first match with a pin, but not very quickly.  He won his second match with a pin and lost his 3rd due to points.  He did EXCELLENT and I am so proud of him.  But, I have to say it was painful to watch.  Watching him turn red and look like he was in pain, which he reassured me he was not, just was scary for me.  I told him I didn't get a picture taken because I was too busy biting my nails.  He was glowing!  He was part of a team for the first time.  Cole never was supposed to compete in any high school sports.  We got this lifted for wrestling so he could live his life and he did.  I pray he gets to enjoy it for many years to come and his valve will wait for him.  But, if his valve doesn't wait he'll be okay.  We've already been talking about the possibility and to enjoy everything while it's here.

My boys is beyond tough in many ways.

My cup runneth over

I had entered a contest in mid-August.  I wrote a 150 word essay summing the last couple of years for us.  I wrote it and forgot about it and I didn't tell a soul.  Then, one month later, I got notice that my story was very popular and I should try for more votes.  So I did.  I worked hard trying to get more votes.  I entered the My Life Reader's Digest contest and lost.  I saw on their Facebook page the winner of the story and was a bit bummed it was not a profound story or even slightly interesting...at least to me.

But, I put Jaemin to bed tonight and sat on his bedside and just looked at him.  He's so beautiful and he makes me a million times happier than that $25,000 could have even if it did get us to Korea.  Even if we never get to go, I have him...my little piece of Korea.  I could sit and stare into those beautiful, thinking eyes for hours.  I love everything about Jaemin.  He is my miracle in life.  My blessing of a lifetime.  I would never have even thought and dwelled over Korea if it weren't for having 3 of my kids, so I'm thankful to them for another love in life and an interest in a journey and exploration.  I love my children and in the end, that's what I need.

Family Strengthening

We watch movies all the time together.  At least once a month we find something and sit down and eat on the living room floor to watching it together.  It's something all 7 can agree on pretty easily and no one every complains about.

With holidays always brings a certain amount of stress for both kids and parents.  They've been having a harder time getting along with one another.  Just little things, but growing more constant and definitely getting on our (the parents) last nerves.  So, we had a little sit down tonight and I have to say it was nice.  We picked a kid and had them say something they liked about another one.  Then, we asked them to say something about us.  We talked to them about kindness and manners and by the end of it they were going on and on with the compliments to each other and us. 

Another thing we talked about were friends.  We tried to tell them that the ones they have now are not necessarily the ones they'll have all their life.  They don't have to stay friends for the sake of having a friend.  They should enjoy that person and if the person changes they're not 'married'.  We told them how their friends reflect themselves and if one of their friends is not a nice person others will think they are not nice, in turn.  We told them they need to find happiness and friendship in each other.   They are built in friends for the rest of their lives and they will always get each other because they were together through it all.  They need to be proud of one another's accomplishments and not jealous.  They need to encourage each other along the way because they each have differing interests and strengths.  They seemed to start getting it.  I want to see them cheer each other on and be happy for the other one.  I told them that I have plenty to be jealous over my sweet younger sister, but I'm not.  I'm proud of  her.  I'm happy for her and I would only ever wish her happiness because it would hurt to see her or my brother hurt.  I don't want to see any of my siblings hurting. 

I pray by example, my children find happiness, bonding, encouragement and love in each other as they grow older together.  They are bonded by the two of us and the love we have for them.  I hope they always know this.

No progress...

and left frustrated.  The developmental pediatrician tried hard not to dismiss my concerns.  She said some occupational therapy couldn't hurt.  She thinks J is just 'intense'.  What she means is high spirited on the verge of ADHD, but I just don't know.  Then, I asked again about his sleep issues.  The melatonin is working wonders going to sleep, but again it's not meant to keep someone asleep.  She said to give him a little more to see if it at least keeps him asleep more than 2 hours. She then told me to get him out of my bed.  That this is best for him.  Developmentally, maybe.  Adoptive attachment wise, I'm not convinced.  All the research I've done and all the connections I've had with other adoptive families with kids with attachment issues reinforces to me that sleep is not something you mess with.  His cry when I try to get him to stay in my room is so sad and I just can't force him to sleep by himself.  He really does need me.  I don't know that those outside of adoption can understand the trauma kids in adoption go through and some just don't adjust like the majority do.  Some just need a little more for a little longer and I feel that that's my job to love him through this hard time he's having.  It doesn't help that his speech is delayed and he can't voice his issues to me.

My frustration is definitely not with J.  I'm frustrated that I don't feel able to help him sometimes and I want to so badly.  I pray she's right.  I pray that with time we'll see these huge strides in his emotional and social development.  I hope because that's all I have left now that we've ruled everything out except speech, which I am working on.  I love this little man of mine.