All wrong

 I feel like I did it all wrong. I know with grief there is no right or wrong. But maybe that’s why it feels wrong. There’s no sense to loss. Happiness, right now, feels impossible.  I feel like even though I didn’t survive an even that out son didn’t I have survivors guilt. I literally feel pain when, for seconds, may feel a twinge of happiness from time to time. 

We spent some time making candles from a kit we found going through his stuff.  The girls and a friend asked to put our tree up so we do have one.  Thought it’s only been up a few days I’m ready for the reminder to be gone.  The truth is I don’t need a reminder.  My heart and soul remind me all of the time.  

I survived Christmas Eve and felt a little proud of myself.  I only cried for a tiny bit in church.  My sister asked to come over after church which made the night feel different and got me distracted with her kids.  I decided to try Christmas morning breakfast with the in-laws with the ask that gift giving be minimized.  Our youngest is the youngest overall so it’s fine.  However, that’s not what happened and I went into a full on downhill slide into sadness.  We left immediately but it was too late.  I was done for the day.  I felt overwhelming sadness and exhaustion.  My body felt like it weighed hundreds of pounds and I felt as though I could sleep all day.  Today is much the same.  My face has been left red and puffy from intermittent uncontrollable crying  

I still have Christmas events to go and I’m not sure how to handle any of them.  I’m praying for Gods guidance and peace.  Lord I need some peace.  But what I know is that just because you survive one year isn’t a guarantee any of the following will be any easier. 

Beautiful, tall and strong

Then

 Today 

We donated money for Cole’s Christmas present this year. Us and the grandparents gave his regular Christmas money to a local conservation place that he always loved. It had been awhile since we all went as a family but with the money we donated they planed a tree in a place the kids loved.  We decided today this is our new Christmas tradition to come tell him Merry Christmas and pray together. It was less than 40° but sunny and beautiful so we walked the trail together before our prayer.  Chelsi did a lovely job. The tree is a red oak. It will be tall and strong like our son and even if the day comes when we have to sell our home he is now in a place we can visit anytime we want. 

Lots of tears this morning but a beautiful day. 

More change

The is is me.  This is how I handle stress.   I need control (OCD) so I change things.  Sometimes it means buying but more often it means clutter control 

It was time for a small change. We both wanted recliners but never really looked because all recliners look the same. We browsed a furniture store one Saturday looking for matching end tables and one of these barrel style, swivel recliners was sitting there. As soon as I sat in it I told him we had to replace our old swivel chairs.  They swaddle you in, no power, no handle and they’re super comfy. Just what I needed to just be by myself and cuddle up when I want. 

Then after I picked the color I realized the light gray couch was standing out and you couldn’t see the khaki colors inside the tweed so we opted for a @tjmaxx throw and some @amazon pillow covers to help them out. Exactly what we need. I don’t care what anyone says. I love the neutral aesthetic I accidentally have going on here. 

Anytime I need little items like the perfect throw TJ Maxx always comes through.  But seriously if you like a modern twist on recliners check out these Best brand chairs!

#neutralaesthetic #amazonfinds  #lovetjmaxx 

Comfort food

This is the viral spicy cucumbers that I made for my daughter and snacked on a bit because she forgot to take them to college with her. Lol

Final result

Dakgalbi with a side of mandu. I finally got the mandu to be a little pan fried on the bottom and the rest steamed to perfect.  I saw someone on instagram cook dakgalbi and thought it looked so yummy.  I was needing some Korean comfort food and this fit that need.  

A quickish run to the nearest Asian market for fresh bok choy and Korean sweet potatoes and I was ready. Add tteokbokki, gojuchang,onions and all of the right spices and it was a two pan meal. This served 4 (2 hungry young men) and leftover for two work lunches.  It was SO good and so easy in comparison to most Korean dishes. 

Will absolutely make again. 

 

Ebb and flow

 

The ebbs and flows of grief are exhausting. With me being in the middle of menopause I already struggle with being all over the place but grief greatly exacerbates that.  I feel like I’m up to anything one day and crying over anything and everything the next. 

I went to visit one of my college girls last weekend and came home to a package on our front porch from my cousin.  She had given me this picture with a little sheet explaining kintsugi; the art of repairing cracks with gold. I wasn’t sure where to put the beautiful picture but then realized exactly what needed to be with it. 

Having others in your lives and knowing that they are still thinking about you almost 9 months later means the world. She even wrote notes on the back and told me how they pray for our son and us every night.  That’s the comfort that I still need in the journey.  This, I know, is a long journey. One that I don’t know how to handle and no one can tell me how. I am trying to figure out my limits on things.  And I change my mind often.  And you do this all while trying to keep things somewhat level for the kids I have left.  But the one thing I really feel is that this year is about the 6 of us and having special time together. Time to just be together and make new memories and time remember our lives before. 

This holiday season

 So far. 

I’m a mom who has always focused on the kids and family and making the holiday happy and memorable. This year, even with the youngest at 16, the kids are old enough to know that I need self care.  This means doing whatever to get by.  

So far it has been not worrying about making holiday cookies in bulk to share with neighbors, coworkers and the postman.  This years it’s stopping the house cleaning because I like the way the sky looks sad like me but with a small line of light through it while the other half of the sky was somewhat brighter. Maybe that’s what I identify with right now?  

And after  quick stop by visit from one of the college kids and the microwave blowing and quickly finding a reasonable replacement, just sitting in the living room (rearranged again) and cuddling up with a thick blanket and hot chocolate in one of my favorite mugs. 

Dreading the actual next part of the season but trying not to think about it.  I’ve shopped for the kids and gotten what I need to for their Christmas. The rest isn’t necessary.  I’m realizing how much we put on ourselves constantly that doesn’t need to be. Enjoy time with family, pray for the safety, health and well being of that family, work to pay our bills and live.  Live more simply.  Which comes back around to enjoying time with family. 

For me. Right now.  Time with family means this little family of 6.  I love the rest of our family too but I need special time with them. They are my life and my breath.  

Prayers for all of those parents out there struggling with their first holiday season without a child like us. Cry often. Give yourself grace. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel.  

One at a time

 I’ve almost made it through. One of my firsts without you.  Now that the actually day is done and today we’re doing something together but completely different it doesn’t hurt as bad.  I’m thankful my family adjusted for me. I needed everyone to not say what day it was and do things completely different. I needed it to feel like somewhat of a normal day but be around.  I cried for a lot of the day.  A lot.  I got teary eyed most of the rest of the time.  But I was able to laugh while we played cards and just had a normal dinner together.  Extremely thankful for my brothers timing. He never is home on this day but he drove home and it made it feel just like a visit with him which is so much of what I needed.  I probably wouldn’t have left the house if he hadn’t. 

Today it’s just us. I need one day for just us. I’ve never cooked a big meal with everything so we made sure all of the kids could be home. We have already prepped the ham, the sweet potatoes, cheesy potatoes and turnips. I baked a cherry pie that I buy uncooked from a local church and I spent a whole lot of tears making Coles favorite pecan pie recipe that he and I used to make together and he learned to make on his own. 

If you’ve ever hurt this much then you know how it feels to be panicking trying to find that same recipe back and crying when you think you can’t. Crying because the crust doesn’t want to roll out or it’s too flaky to get from the counter to the pie pan.  Mostly I think I was just crying because I tried to hide what day it was from my mind but it still knew. My body still knew. I can’t hide it. 

It reminded me of 10 plus years after we lost our first baby and I was walking to work one day and felt a sudden sadness wash over me and I had tears streaming down my face.  I walked to my cube not knowing why I was crying. When I saw the date I realized it was the day we lost our first one probably more than 10 years before.  My body remembered. Something about the air, the wind, the sun that day reminded me of what happened without me really being aware.  

Those are going to come for me again now.  A mother’s body remembers when a piece of her heart was taken. 

I’m thankful for what remains   But I need grace and time to allow me to continue to grieve what I miss