All wrong

 I feel like I did it all wrong. I know with grief there is no right or wrong. But maybe that’s why it feels wrong. There’s no sense to loss. Happiness, right now, feels impossible.  I feel like even though I didn’t survive an even that out son didn’t I have survivors guilt. I literally feel pain when, for seconds, may feel a twinge of happiness from time to time. 

We spent some time making candles from a kit we found going through his stuff.  The girls and a friend asked to put our tree up so we do have one.  Thought it’s only been up a few days I’m ready for the reminder to be gone.  The truth is I don’t need a reminder.  My heart and soul remind me all of the time.  

I survived Christmas Eve and felt a little proud of myself.  I only cried for a tiny bit in church.  My sister asked to come over after church which made the night feel different and got me distracted with her kids.  I decided to try Christmas morning breakfast with the in-laws with the ask that gift giving be minimized.  Our youngest is the youngest overall so it’s fine.  However, that’s not what happened and I went into a full on downhill slide into sadness.  We left immediately but it was too late.  I was done for the day.  I felt overwhelming sadness and exhaustion.  My body felt like it weighed hundreds of pounds and I felt as though I could sleep all day.  Today is much the same.  My face has been left red and puffy from intermittent uncontrollable crying  

I still have Christmas events to go and I’m not sure how to handle any of them.  I’m praying for Gods guidance and peace.  Lord I need some peace.  But what I know is that just because you survive one year isn’t a guarantee any of the following will be any easier.