Sometimes

being a parent is not so rewarding.

I'm finally feeling better 2 weeks after influenza and bronchitis.  Literally yesterday was my "I know I'm better" day.  I was no longer nauseous and extremely fatigued.  I could barely get through the day for the past two weeks.  I've never been so tired.  Now, I'm back to myself.

And now that I have energy, I guess I have the energy to let things bother me and worry me again.  Why is it that kids can make a mom feel so inadequate?  I mean most of us do or at least really try hard to do our best.  We try to give them the right amount of nurturing while letting them get a little further out on the ledge and while you're doing that your teenagers make you feel as bad as they possibly can.  The little kids?  They still love holding your hand and adore you.  Chelsi still respects me and cares about disappointing us.  Jaemin loves to kiss my cheeks, my nose, my forehead.  Not the big kids.  The teens and preteens live to worry me and then when I try to discuss I get eye rolling, disrespect or disgust.  At times I begin to think Cole's starting to outgrow some of it, but maybe it's because he's getting his way?  I don't mean we're giving in or anything like that, but he's ultimately happier because he made his way back to Varsity wrestling.  He cares about the way it looks, regardless if he wins or loses.  I wish he could see past that importance and realize that being on JV is sometimes a necessary stepping stone like college is to having a better chance at a stable livelihood.  Don't get me wrong I'm pretty happy that he didn't fight me on registering him for his first shot at the ACTs for April, but at the same time he has such low expectations for himself.  I find myself constantly trying to build him up, yet sometimes I wonder how hard he really tries to help himself and in the end that's the only thing that will help his life.  Chase gets irritated at me for lecturing Kaelin on her continuous lying to me.  I understand it gets old.  Trust me it gets old, but it's necessary to do it until she gets that it's not worth lying over really stupid little things.  Chase is definitely at tween that thinks he's always right, but has totally normal annoying habits and gets irritated at everyone when everyone gets irritated at him.  Kaelin is fast on his heels of tweenhood.  She's so impulsive and trying to get her to just slow down seems to be such a trying part of her and my relationship.  I don't want to break her, but break her of this habit so she has better control over her life.

Needless to say my little chit chats with the older ones have increased.  Cole mostly seems more open to them, but maybe he's figured out how to humor me?  He's definitely smart enough for that.  Kaelin's much the same.  Chase snaps back.  He takes offense.....he's too much like me.  Why is it that our kids get my worst traits?  Why can't they have some of the good ones?  If they only knew, really knew, just how much I worry and want the best for them.  I really want Cole's grades to be a B average so he can get the discount on his car insurance and earn us paying 1/2.  Regardless of some teachers desire to make school miserable and see how many kids they can fail without reasoning through why they do poorly in areas (that's another day for that one).   I don't want to see Chase struggle so much.  He does study hard most of the time, but I think he got my and M's poor test taking skills and that's not a good thing.  Kaelin does fine grade wise for now, but I'd like to see her care more for others.  I tell them I know they're not perfect and I don't expect perfection, I just worry about the bigger things that can really impact their future lives.  I pray for the best for all of them and pray that some of the stuff we talk about sinks in.  I pray that they realize I'm not trying to be a nag, I just care.  I pray that they realize I don't enjoy disciplining them by grounding from their favorite things for what seems like constant, I just want them to learn.  I pray one day they realize just how much I love and care for them and that they realize that they are my everything and their happiness is so important to me.  Like I told Kaelin the other night.  It's easier for a parent to not punish than to punish.  Those who don't, don't care.

God, please watch over my kids and protect them and help them to make good, kind, caring decisions throughout their lives that are for the better of everyone.