Inevitable moments

It’s been an entire month. An entire 30+ days without our son.  I’m doing okay. I’m doing better.  But, yesterday I saw something and my impulse was to call him to ask him about it and within a split second I realized I couldn’t. That was a hard moment but one that was going to happen.   

For the first time in over a month the corner of my counter is empty. For weeks it sat there with lists of people to send thank yous to, checks and money from people to forward to the charities and other things to take care of. Don’t get me wrong. We’re still dealing with things of his to close out and take care of that just takes time but it’s dwindling down and allowing my thoughts to not be constantly reminded and consumed in utter sadness all of the time.  

I still have a little trouble with finding joy. The track meets are hard. I haven’t gotten back to yelling at and for everyone but I’m going and I’m clapping to cheer the kids on.   And when I go downstairs I get to see his favorite hats hanging where nothing was ever hung before and instead there was just emptiness that seemed awkward.  Deer mounts on the wall that he begged me to hang while he was traveling and a jersey framed that he loved.  All things that can now make me smile and think of him. 

#missyou. #lostson #tryingtoheal

 

Haircut weekend…coming soon again

 

It was haircut morning a few weeks ago. Ugh. It’s time again since the hair on the heads of the guys in this house grows FAST!!  But I had always cut hair out of necessity since everyone was young to save money. Could you imagine for 4 guys how much it would cost monthly?  Now they just prefer I do it. We had a friend doing it and she did a great job but she decided she didn’t want to cut hair anymore.  The girls don’t get theirs cut often but when they do it’s chunks like this. And the shades of hair in this house crack me up. We just need red.   

#haircuts #savemoney #monthlysavings

New beginnings

 

I could post another sad post. That’s most of my days sprinkled by sun peaking out a little at a time. 

Here’s the sun for our 18 year old. She waited patiently and kept looking and finally found something nice that she could afford and should hopefully last her. Fingers crossed. 

She bought this with cash!  She saved everything she’s made and spent some on this car and her first full coverage insurance payment.  Yes, she’s still in high school but we teach the kids about real life. When she runs out of tuition money between scholarships and savings we’ll start helping her where we can. But she’s always had a job just like her sister and brothers before her.  She loves her Naveen!  I hope he lasts all through college and beyond so she can buy her second car with cash and know the joy of not having those loans if possible.  

 #carisdone #rhondaisgone #teachkidsfinances #teachkidsresponsibility 

Hope you had the time of your life

 

I woke up this morning to this song in my head. I hadn’t heard it in so long.   I have no idea what I was dreaming about or why this song.  Before I went to bed last night I prayed to dream of Cole.  I can usually remember at least one dream per night. I don’t remember any dreams of him last night. But this song makes me wonder.  Was he sending the song to me?  It’s fairly fitting for everything that happened. I’m trying not to question why it had to happen. I have all of the videos and photos in my head that I replay over and over again to hear his voice and see him. I probably always will.

 #missmyson #grief #talktoangels

Do something for others

 Nothing will ever change what happened.  We’re not angry at God or anyone else. We will always have questions caused by human nature but those will never be answered and we know this. While I’m sure everyone would have written the same checks to an education fund for our high school and college kids we wanted to really make Cole’s life make a difference. We asked that people instead make donations to our charities in memory of him. 

It’s already been almost 3 weeks. Some days I can’t stop crying and then I have more moments when I think he’s just in KS and will be calling. And then we find out things like what he had his siblings as beneficiaries on like he knew he would be taking care of them. The more I deal with all of this the more I found out I didn’t know a lot of things and he had so much more than even we knew and was much deeper. Spoiler. For anyone who wrote blank checks we made them out to Make a Wish. The day Cole got his wish was a day he couldn’t stop smiling. We want to make a child smile too. 

#toosoon #myson #makeawish #americanheartassociation #childrensmirackenetwork 

Utterly exhausting

 

 

The loss of a child is really unbearable.  Having to lose an adult child means taking weeks to close things out and get to a point of peace. We all returned to work and school and it was hard. I cried often. Some days I didn’t get much done. My mind was not focused.  My mind just couldn’t do what it’s done so many other times….push through. 

Today we took our son’s ashes to all of his favorite places and returned him to God.  I prayed so hard for this child 28 years ago and was blessed with his birth 27 years ago. And today we gave him back. It was hard yet peaceful at the same time. The last little bit was the hardest.  We cried.  I’m glad we did it together. Just the 6 of us.  6 of us.  It’s always been 7. I’m just not sure about this yet. 

We got to his camper to clean things out today. Originally I wasn’t supposed to help. But I think it was good for me. We didn’t know that in his downtime from his job he was making candles and jewelry.  As we went through the important things and maybe some unimportant, the kids all grabbed small things that just made them think of Cole.  Jae took all of the sunglasses.  Shirts, coats, Cardinals memorabilia coin and of course all of the hunting and fishing things. His Godfather, who plays guitar, took the guitar to remember him by. I’m sure to a lot of people none of this would be anything but junk but we will always think of Cole with these things.  The hats hanging in our basement along with his jersey and deer. The old dirty hat one of his good friends wanted. We left the camper still filled with some of his things. Today was enough. I may go back for one of his cutoffs to wear kayaking. My tribute to my son. We said it all of the time about him. He was freakishly strong and the hardest worker we ever knew.  Every employer always confirmed that. 

My son Cole.  Amazing.  I wish I had the chance to tell him that more often. Tell your kids the truth. But make sure they always know the good and the bad. Follow up something you don’t like with something you do. I know he knew because we talked about this stuff but I’ll never get to tell him again. 

I love you so much and I’ll continue our conversations. 

Treading Water

 

I feel like I'm supposed to be feeling a little better.  I feel like I shouldn't cry with simple words and gestures.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I have always gotten through things and carried on.  We lost our first baby at 22 weeks pregnant.  It was awful.  I cried and mourned and coped (probably poorly), but I went on. I went back to work.  I went back to life.  We went through open heart surgeries with Cole twice.  We went through a spinal cord injury.  We have been through so much and every time I carried on.  I sucked it up and went on.  I guess because we survived it was okay.  I'm not surviving.  I'm broken.  Completely shattered.  And people keep saying God only gives you what you can handle.  That's not true.  I'm not handling this and I don't want to.  When we lost our first baby I saw the bigger picture.  It led us to adoption and I don't regret or feel pain from any of that.  There is no good to losing Cole.  There's no brighter or bigger picture.  I have my 4 younger ones left and I live and try for them.  I'm not hiding the tears well though.  As much as I don't want to do it so often around them, it just happens.  Loving your kids intensely leaves you to be in intense pain.  Getting out of bed in the morning gets harder.  The quiet gets harder.  Talking gets harder.  Just everything is harder.

I'm praying that with a little time it doesn't feel remotely this bad.  I'm praying for healing, but I know the scar will be visible.  I see it on my face already.

I loved you so much Cole.  I would have done anything for you.  I just wanted you safe and with us always, but it's like you always knew it wouldn't be long enough.  I think down deep we always knew too.  That doesn't make this easier.