I couldn't figure out why I'd been so touchy. Even Brian said I was being that way Thursday morning....way more than usual. :) On my walk into work I kept thinking to myself, "what is bothering me?". Just like that it hit me what day it was. It was April 5th. April 5th, 11 years ago we lost our first daughter. I was 21 weeks pregnant. I just emailed the doctor 2 years ago to even find out what the sex was. I couldn't bear to know until then.
I know her loss was to bring us to where we are now. I know that without losing her we'd not have Cole or Chase or Kaelin or Chelsi and I'm terribly thankful to God for that. It doesn't make her loss any less sad though. For some reason this year has just been harder than any other. We lost her Good Friday 11 years ago and here it was right before Easter weekend when I realized what day it was. It was like a freight train running right into me. I couldn't control my tears at work and I'm still working to keep them under control....at least to a degree.
My mother-in-law was not there for us when we lost our daughter. She did not dare try to comfort us or just give us a hug and say nothing. Saying nothing with a hug is a perfect reaction. It's a reaction we had from my mom, stepdad, aunt and uncle. A gift on Easter that I will never ever forget. Then when Brian called her to tell her we wouldn't be staying long for Easter this year she thought I should have been over it by now. We went for a little while and all the while I was thinking "you know, maybe I'd feel better if she just walked up to me and gave me a hug and we'd both know exactly why and I'd forgive and forget all the things she's done to hurt us". But, we stayed for 1 1/2 hours and nothing. I think if anything all she probably thought to herself was how we were hurting her. Because it's generally all about her. She doesn't know the hurt we've been through in our lives because we don't share that with her. If we did she'd turn it into her hurt and forget that we even existed. We finally left because I was so exhausted I couldn't handle anymore. I slept so much this weekend. Being sad is extremely exhausting and I want to let the sadness go, but I'm having a hard time doing that this year. I can't even say I miss our daughter (because I didn't know her), yet I can't help but continue to hurt for her. Yes, as I said above I know the path we were being led down and I wouldn't trade this hurt for 1 less second with the four kids we have now. It just doesn't take the hurt away though.
No one around me seems to understand or at least act like they do. I don't say much. Since they don't understand, what if they feel the same as mother-in-law and think I should be over it? Sometimes I just want someone close to me to talk about it and tell me it's okay to still cry. Sometimes I just want someone close to me to hug me and without any words let me know it's okay to cry and be sad for a little while.
It will be okay I know and I will get through this period as I did before, but until then I just need to allow myself to let it feel real. I've buried it for so long. We've not spoken about her in so long. It's okay to admit she was a part of our life, born or not.
The one thing I keep reminding myself as I hurt going through this grief period again is that maybe and hopefully, I will be able to comfort my daughters over the loss of their birth families one day because of the loss I've experienced. I hope they understand better than I have that it's okay to miss them and grieve for them....over time. It doesn't have to just end because the loss is over....it's never over. It's on ongoing battle of the heart.
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