I live

 here a lot of days. 

It’s a bizarre place to be. I’m happy and living life and then think of him. I try to block out the sad thoughts so I don’t make others sad around me. I try to push through the crowd of sorrow that swells in my head.  And then the dam breaks. I can no longer hold any of it back. It pours out like a gate opened and the water crashes into a valley that’s been dry. 

I am well aware I can’t escape my grief.  I just haven’t quite figure out how to control some of it. There’s no good timing for it. I should live in my moments with my family but feeling his absence is sometimes just too much….too hard. Everything I do is behind hidden tears.  Tears I cry by myself. Away from everyone   I don’t want everyone to know or see how often or how much it still happens.  I know it’s okay. It doesn’t make it easier. Part of the process is learning I guess.