One at a time

 I’ve almost made it through. One of my firsts without you.  Now that the actually day is done and today we’re doing something together but completely different it doesn’t hurt as bad.  I’m thankful my family adjusted for me. I needed everyone to not say what day it was and do things completely different. I needed it to feel like somewhat of a normal day but be around.  I cried for a lot of the day.  A lot.  I got teary eyed most of the rest of the time.  But I was able to laugh while we played cards and just had a normal dinner together.  Extremely thankful for my brothers timing. He never is home on this day but he drove home and it made it feel just like a visit with him which is so much of what I needed.  I probably wouldn’t have left the house if he hadn’t. 

Today it’s just us. I need one day for just us. I’ve never cooked a big meal with everything so we made sure all of the kids could be home. We have already prepped the ham, the sweet potatoes, cheesy potatoes and turnips. I baked a cherry pie that I buy uncooked from a local church and I spent a whole lot of tears making Coles favorite pecan pie recipe that he and I used to make together and he learned to make on his own. 

If you’ve ever hurt this much then you know how it feels to be panicking trying to find that same recipe back and crying when you think you can’t. Crying because the crust doesn’t want to roll out or it’s too flaky to get from the counter to the pie pan.  Mostly I think I was just crying because I tried to hide what day it was from my mind but it still knew. My body still knew. I can’t hide it. 

It reminded me of 10 plus years after we lost our first baby and I was walking to work one day and felt a sudden sadness wash over me and I had tears streaming down my face.  I walked to my cube not knowing why I was crying. When I saw the date I realized it was the day we lost our first one probably more than 10 years before.  My body remembered. Something about the air, the wind, the sun that day reminded me of what happened without me really being aware.  

Those are going to come for me again now.  A mother’s body remembers when a piece of her heart was taken. 

I’m thankful for what remains   But I need grace and time to allow me to continue to grieve what I miss  

30 years

 30 years of being married. Over 32 together.  

Someone asked if it felt like a lot. The truth is yes.  We’ve been through a lifetime together.  We had gone through a tremendous amount long ago.  We’ve lost children.  Acquired health conditions.  Watched our children suffer. Prayed so often for our little family. 

We have fought against each other and fought to stay together.  Wanted to give up and then we realize there’s not something better out there. It’s so hard.  We’ve definitely felt the weight of everything we’ve been through adding to our relationship.  But we don’t have a choice. We’ve never had a choice. We either choose to give up or keep fighting through. 

I’ll find her

 I know whatever is next for me is still waiting for me to find. I have ALWAYS wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I have loved them all through good and bad.  I can honestly say I have loved them unconditionally through hurt and mistakes.  I will always love them. 

With the holidays coming,whether I like it or not, I’m looking deeper into my life.  I’m realizing that I can be more than just a mom.  I’m finding out, the hard way, that I now need to learn to take care of me.  I saw a movie that explained that there’s a reason they make the parent put the oxygen mask on before putting on the child.  If we don’t take care of ourselves we can’t take care of them. 

Between heart surgeries, adoption processes, life altering accidents and life I’ve done a lot on autopilot. We were always just getting by and I want to do more than get by.  I want to do more than put myself last.  I want to look back and not just see pictures but vivid memories and feel the comfort and love of family and friends. 

Does that mean I’m ready for full fledged holidays this year?  Not at all.  I’m dreading them with every fiber of my being. My house is my safe place where I can pretend, somewhat, like they’re not here and therefore I don’t have to acknowledge who is missing.  I may stay here in that place. I may be brave enough to come out. I will know when the time comes. 

Just please don’t minimize my feelings and inability to move yet.  Please just help me and be there for me instead.  I promise I’ll try harder every year. But this year.  I just need to grieve that holidays loss.  The holidays were the time when I could absolutely count on my little chicks being back in the nest and spending time with them. I have to figure out how I can do that without one.  I will figure it out.  I need strength, time and grace. 

#holidaygrief  #holidaysafterloss

One sad mom to another

 https://abedformyheart.com/grateful-and-grieving/

As I sit here recooperating from a surgery I have been finding myself extremely anxious about the holidays that will come and go without regard to me or my heart.  I’ve been scouring the internet for blogs from a universe of moms who have gone through this before me and explained what they have done to survive the rest of the year.  There’s no one size fits all.  After so much reading I still haven’t found something that feels right to get through two very busy holidays.  

The blog I linked here did a good job of explaining what moms are going through after the loss of their children. And there’s no limit to just the first holidays without.  They’re limited by what that mom can handle.  I feel oddly comforted as I cry reading blog after blog of moms who are trying to help new grieving moms like myself.  

All I know is that I want these holidays to either pass by unnoticed or change up the tradition so much that it’s unrecognizable and maybe it won’t feel like he’s missing the holiday it will just feel like a gathering that he didn’t make it home for. 

It’s so hard to explain to anyone how you feel. I think most moms would agree that no one loved anyone on this Earth like a mother so when the child is lost first a mother doesn’t know what to do. In ways she feels like she’s just aimlessly roaming this world.  Caught between trying to take care of her remaining children the way she used to and trying to redefine herself with the huge gaping hole that is left of her.  The holidays amplify that hole and make it more obvious.  

Love to all those moms out there this year whether it’s your first or you are years in. 

Creating new beauty

 

My front area needed a change earlier this fall and that’s a good time to move plants if you’re going to.  I had some overcrowding and needed to move a planter.  I had this little boy fishing for years because it always reminded me of my older boys but I had it back in a corner. The kids made the handprint stones back in 2011 and I had them scattered.

It was time to put the little boy fishing in the middle surrounded by the handprints of the 4 youngest kids.  I know Cole has his younger siblings watched over. He always cared about them and I know he still does.

I’d like to say I’m good and my heart is good but it’s still minute by minute some days. I truly understand how difficult the holidays are for people in certain situations.  I know I have a lot to be thankful but this whole year has been rough and I’m not looking forward to the holidays. 

I’m really big on reusing where possible.  Finding new uses for things when you need a change or something is no longer working.   You can take something you’re tired of and make it new and beautiful.  It doesn’t always mean more money being spent.

#firsts #firstholidayswithoutyou #missyoueveryday 

Privacy

 I’ve been wanting more privacy in our front door for awhile. Delivery people or anyone could see right in the house.  For $10 I bought a roll of the vinyl rain glass cling, cut it, sprayed it and had it on in maybe 30 minutes.  I love it! 

Seriously if it have a door that needs this don’t hesitate. I just used my credit card and a blade to cut it to size. But you can also buy a kit. 

Comment if you want a link. 

Last step

 

The box is what’s mine to keep for next year.  I kept a little extra just in case.  The ones on the flat are extras for friends and family.  I had SO many!!  But now they’re cleaned off and packed in shredded paper for the Winter.  

Another thing off my to do list.