I know whatever is next for me is still waiting for me to find. I have ALWAYS wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I have loved them all through good and bad. I can honestly say I have loved them unconditionally through hurt and mistakes. I will always love them.
With the holidays coming,whether I like it or not, I’m looking deeper into my life. I’m realizing that I can be more than just a mom. I’m finding out, the hard way, that I now need to learn to take care of me. I saw a movie that explained that there’s a reason they make the parent put the oxygen mask on before putting on the child. If we don’t take care of ourselves we can’t take care of them.
Between heart surgeries, adoption processes, life altering accidents and life I’ve done a lot on autopilot. We were always just getting by and I want to do more than get by. I want to do more than put myself last. I want to look back and not just see pictures but vivid memories and feel the comfort and love of family and friends.
Does that mean I’m ready for full fledged holidays this year? Not at all. I’m dreading them with every fiber of my being. My house is my safe place where I can pretend, somewhat, like they’re not here and therefore I don’t have to acknowledge who is missing. I may stay here in that place. I may be brave enough to come out. I will know when the time comes.
Just please don’t minimize my feelings and inability to move yet. Please just help me and be there for me instead. I promise I’ll try harder every year. But this year. I just need to grieve that holidays loss. The holidays were the time when I could absolutely count on my little chicks being back in the nest and spending time with them. I have to figure out how I can do that without one. I will figure it out. I need strength, time and grace.
#holidaygrief #holidaysafterloss
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