I miss it so much some days. It was such a wonderful trip and while J was the highlight it would have been awesome even if it were just a visit. I was reading this adoptee blog http://www.michellesherwood.blogspot.com/ the other day and she video'd her hotel room. It's the same hotel we stayed in. I could tell by the room and the view. I remember walking that street everyday! I felt so Korea sick after seeing that video.
If only we could go to Korea more often or spend a longer time there. There's so much more to explore and experience. If there were an opportunity to spend an entire year there I'd do it in a second, if our whole family could go. But, I'll pray for visits there and gladly accept them.
I live vicariously through others' visits to Korea, but sometimes just feel too sad to read about their adventures because I miss it so much. I miss the people, the smells (some anyways), the subways, the culture, everything!
Can't wait to go back and praying we actually save enough to go.......sooner the better!
Lisa
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
What would I want them to know?
What would I want my kids to read if they read this blog years from now?
I would want Cole to know that he was special because when we lost our first daughter he gave us new hope. Without her loss he wouldn't be here and we know he was special because of that. Though, he has a tough time with some things, I enjoy watching how he changes as he gets older and more mature. I enjoy watching him become a caring tween and someday the very caring man I see him becoming. I also know how strong this boy is to make it through open-heart surgery with flying colors as a baby and never look back. He gives people strength and hope in God. He gives people reason to see that kids can change.
I would want Chase to know he was my little angel baby. He let me know babies can be calm and laid back and just enjoy momma holding them. He let me know that little boys are never too old to hug their mother. I think he's going to have great friends as he is a great friend and person himself. This boy exudes personality and it's a great one! I look at him and feel proud for how hard he tries to be good in life.
I would want Kaelin to know that I have every faith that she will become the teacher she wants to be; and a great one too. I see her teaching in Korea one day and see her fitting in anywhere she goes. She's just that type of girl. She is not meant to be a follower, but a leader/teacher. She will always find her own way and people will watch her in awe because she's just that great.
I would want Chelsi to know she's my teeny tiny sweetheart baby...."my Chelsi" as she lovingly says to us. She can go anywhere and do anything and no matter what we will remain close at heart. She is beaming and bright. She is a strong girl that came from a 3 lb baby and while still small is always going to be mighty and be heard. She will do something great one day and somehow find a spotlight. That's her.
I would want Jaemin to know that while he's still too small and young to figure out totally, I know he's an awesome boy. He made me realize that there's always room for more love in my heart. He took a pretty large chunk of my heartt and continues to hold onto it. He is my love and a great athlete. We can see his coordination and energy already. He may never slow down, but he will always love those around him with his big heart. We will always love him, as much, back!
I thought of this as I went to their rooms and kissed them goodnight tonight. I had just finished rocking J to sleep and laid him in his bed. I had already hugged and kissed the big boys goodnight and was going into kiss the girls. I was thinking to myself, "when do I stop doing this?" When will they make me? That's when I stop. For now, they all let me from 1-12 years old. I will take it as long as I get it and enjoy it until the day they are no longer here for a hug at bedtime or just refuse to give into the requests of their mother.
Thank God for blessings. I love watching my kids. Especially, when they're not fighting, just interacting with one another or others. They are so beautiful, inside and out!
I would want Cole to know that he was special because when we lost our first daughter he gave us new hope. Without her loss he wouldn't be here and we know he was special because of that. Though, he has a tough time with some things, I enjoy watching how he changes as he gets older and more mature. I enjoy watching him become a caring tween and someday the very caring man I see him becoming. I also know how strong this boy is to make it through open-heart surgery with flying colors as a baby and never look back. He gives people strength and hope in God. He gives people reason to see that kids can change.
I would want Chase to know he was my little angel baby. He let me know babies can be calm and laid back and just enjoy momma holding them. He let me know that little boys are never too old to hug their mother. I think he's going to have great friends as he is a great friend and person himself. This boy exudes personality and it's a great one! I look at him and feel proud for how hard he tries to be good in life.
I would want Kaelin to know that I have every faith that she will become the teacher she wants to be; and a great one too. I see her teaching in Korea one day and see her fitting in anywhere she goes. She's just that type of girl. She is not meant to be a follower, but a leader/teacher. She will always find her own way and people will watch her in awe because she's just that great.
I would want Chelsi to know she's my teeny tiny sweetheart baby...."my Chelsi" as she lovingly says to us. She can go anywhere and do anything and no matter what we will remain close at heart. She is beaming and bright. She is a strong girl that came from a 3 lb baby and while still small is always going to be mighty and be heard. She will do something great one day and somehow find a spotlight. That's her.
I would want Jaemin to know that while he's still too small and young to figure out totally, I know he's an awesome boy. He made me realize that there's always room for more love in my heart. He took a pretty large chunk of my heartt and continues to hold onto it. He is my love and a great athlete. We can see his coordination and energy already. He may never slow down, but he will always love those around him with his big heart. We will always love him, as much, back!
I thought of this as I went to their rooms and kissed them goodnight tonight. I had just finished rocking J to sleep and laid him in his bed. I had already hugged and kissed the big boys goodnight and was going into kiss the girls. I was thinking to myself, "when do I stop doing this?" When will they make me? That's when I stop. For now, they all let me from 1-12 years old. I will take it as long as I get it and enjoy it until the day they are no longer here for a hug at bedtime or just refuse to give into the requests of their mother.
Thank God for blessings. I love watching my kids. Especially, when they're not fighting, just interacting with one another or others. They are so beautiful, inside and out!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
So, what do you do when you feel "different"
Warning: this is more serious than my usual posts, so don't read if you're wanting light-hearted.
I know different can have a million definitions depending on the context and interpretation. But, my "different" here is our family. When we began the adoption process for the first time over 7 years ago, we knew we would look different. Especially, in an area without high diversity of population and relatively low population to begin with. I guess, I never thought it would bother me to stand out or be different. I know this is something our kids will face one day too, but that's a whole other discussion.
We, honestly, really never noticed it until J came home. I think at this point it's our family size, not the fact that some of our children look a little different than their parents. In past years, when we began our first two processes, I'd always belonged to adoption discussion groups. In these groups you were not really different. You had an opportunity to feel some sameness in the world. But, now, with 5 children and both of us working outside the home I feel different there, as well. All of the topics that come up, that don't relate to adoption, end up making me feel excluded. A lot of the participants in these groups are stay-at-home-moms (SAHM). So they have a kinship with each other and are able to share with each other all day long. They talk about budgeting for food and ways to save money in all areas of living, amongst other things. Problem is; when they discuss budgeting, it usually requires you to have time to shop at 3-5 different stores or make everything from scratch. Having 5 children and working full-time doesn't allow for any of that, yet we don't make enough for the conveniences on the other side either (the families who both work, but make enough for convenience living). Those families you will hear talk about their house cleaners and going out for dinner. We can't do either of those and never will. In recent days, I've realized I can bring myself to read the posts of others in these groups, but can no longer respond. I feel so excluded and too different. I will always peruse in case there are others that show up like us; just having questions through adoption, sibling call and adoption related issues. But, I don't think I can really participate any longer. Maybe in 7 years, it's just run it's course for me?
It's hard to find families who live in the middle like us. Families that are getting by, barely sometimes, paying their bills, not paying for extras (condiments so to speak), trying to raise as many as 5 kids and yes, working full-time. The most stores we have time to shop are 2, and that is a rarity to have that kind of luxurious time. Luckily they're fairly close together, but even getting to the grocery shopping once per week is sometimes difficult. Basically, when we're out of milk I have no choice but make that dreaded Walmart or supermarket stop. Finding time to do anything that may save us money nowadays is 20 times more difficult. And then, the one time we might go out together as a family, other than church, we get stared at.
Even within our local international group. There is no one with this many kids...not in the same house. The only ones I even "know" of have older children. Everyone at work has about 2-3 kids. That's the same in our small group of friends too. The couple of people I know at work that have as many do because of grown stepchildren. Within our local group I have not met anyone with more than 2 adopted and even those are fairly few.
I want to know someone else that works full-time, out of the house, has more than 4 kids, doesn't have large incomes combined so bills aren't easy, but they're paid. I want to know someone like us. Thank goodness our kids don't really seem to notice our differences to other families. :)
So if anyone out there is like us, know you're not alone. There are others out there and we're all doing fine!
I know different can have a million definitions depending on the context and interpretation. But, my "different" here is our family. When we began the adoption process for the first time over 7 years ago, we knew we would look different. Especially, in an area without high diversity of population and relatively low population to begin with. I guess, I never thought it would bother me to stand out or be different. I know this is something our kids will face one day too, but that's a whole other discussion.
We, honestly, really never noticed it until J came home. I think at this point it's our family size, not the fact that some of our children look a little different than their parents. In past years, when we began our first two processes, I'd always belonged to adoption discussion groups. In these groups you were not really different. You had an opportunity to feel some sameness in the world. But, now, with 5 children and both of us working outside the home I feel different there, as well. All of the topics that come up, that don't relate to adoption, end up making me feel excluded. A lot of the participants in these groups are stay-at-home-moms (SAHM). So they have a kinship with each other and are able to share with each other all day long. They talk about budgeting for food and ways to save money in all areas of living, amongst other things. Problem is; when they discuss budgeting, it usually requires you to have time to shop at 3-5 different stores or make everything from scratch. Having 5 children and working full-time doesn't allow for any of that, yet we don't make enough for the conveniences on the other side either (the families who both work, but make enough for convenience living). Those families you will hear talk about their house cleaners and going out for dinner. We can't do either of those and never will. In recent days, I've realized I can bring myself to read the posts of others in these groups, but can no longer respond. I feel so excluded and too different. I will always peruse in case there are others that show up like us; just having questions through adoption, sibling call and adoption related issues. But, I don't think I can really participate any longer. Maybe in 7 years, it's just run it's course for me?
It's hard to find families who live in the middle like us. Families that are getting by, barely sometimes, paying their bills, not paying for extras (condiments so to speak), trying to raise as many as 5 kids and yes, working full-time. The most stores we have time to shop are 2, and that is a rarity to have that kind of luxurious time. Luckily they're fairly close together, but even getting to the grocery shopping once per week is sometimes difficult. Basically, when we're out of milk I have no choice but make that dreaded Walmart or supermarket stop. Finding time to do anything that may save us money nowadays is 20 times more difficult. And then, the one time we might go out together as a family, other than church, we get stared at.
Even within our local international group. There is no one with this many kids...not in the same house. The only ones I even "know" of have older children. Everyone at work has about 2-3 kids. That's the same in our small group of friends too. The couple of people I know at work that have as many do because of grown stepchildren. Within our local group I have not met anyone with more than 2 adopted and even those are fairly few.
I want to know someone else that works full-time, out of the house, has more than 4 kids, doesn't have large incomes combined so bills aren't easy, but they're paid. I want to know someone like us. Thank goodness our kids don't really seem to notice our differences to other families. :)
So if anyone out there is like us, know you're not alone. There are others out there and we're all doing fine!
It's on....
One of the big boys made a face; crossing their eyes and sticking out their tongue. So, all 3 of the older kids had to try it. You be the judge, but C's was probably the best.
Jaemin has many moods throughout....an evening. We'd like to say a day, but every second is different. :)
When we need Motrin for teeth, this is the look.
When we love our brother, this is the look.
When we love our daddy, this is the look.
When we want our paci, we will move anything in our way to get it, this is the look.
And finally, when it's the end of the evening, we hadn't had a nap and we're just plain tired, this it he look.
Jaemin has many moods throughout....an evening. We'd like to say a day, but every second is different. :)
When we need Motrin for teeth, this is the look.
When we love our brother, this is the look.
When we love our daddy, this is the look.
When we want our paci, we will move anything in our way to get it, this is the look.
And finally, when it's the end of the evening, we hadn't had a nap and we're just plain tired, this it he look.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
General Pics
Just some regular, everyday, pictures since I really haven't taken too many in a little while.
Pretty C
J likes to watch big brother.
Smart K
Playing together through the window.
Handsome man.....Got Milk?
Isn't J precious!
Pretty C
J likes to watch big brother.
Smart K
Playing together through the window.
Handsome man.....Got Milk?
Isn't J precious!
Sibling calls and the intricacies of
I've been "chatting" with a mom who received a sibling call a month or so ago. It's amazing how much you truly do not understand until you've been in this situation. This particular family was unable to accept. I believe for financial, which I can truly appreciate. She's been trying to find out if the baby's referred family will know the baby is a sibling to their child so they can have "some" sort of contact. She said the agency (I don't know who) is not helping at all. The agency only let the family have a week to make their decision, is acting like they're unable to help put them in touch with the other family, etc. She's going to try to write a letter and forward it to the family through the agency, but is unsure it will do any good.
To me this is so terribly sad. You truly get very little information with these calls. They're very vague. The fact that their agency couldn't give them a little more time is just wrong. I've seen other family's have time to begin fundraising before giving a definitive answer on siblings. The other problem she and I discussed is how the agencies don't seem to understand that it's just not as simple as a yes or no answer. Money is an enormous factor. It's very different purposely walking into an adoption process and having one sprung on you in a matter of a week and before you know it you're knee deep in papers again. I truly wish their were grants for families like ours and these others. I would like to start one, but don't have a clue where or how to begin. I hate that other families are in this situation similar to ours and have to decline purely for this reason.
I mean how many people can suddenly with one week's thought decide to have another child? In one week, the family has to consider the dynamics of their family, the money they will have to get through a loan to pay for the adoption, and simply adding a child in a VERY short amount of time that they had not planned. I get the argument that it's the same as suddenly becoming pregnant...yes and no. You do already feel this could be your child, but you did nothing to put out the possibility of having another child. And in most cases you do NOT get 9 months to prepare. We had 2 months!
I hope the agencies do more to support families during this time, if it approaches. I was aware it could happen , but it's just different actually being there. Thinking you know what you'd do and proceeding are two very distinct things. Is it wrong to accept...NO. Is it wrong to decline the referral....NO! These families have to do what's best for them at the time. The thing is, how do you know what's best for your family in 1 week! I hope agencies realize they need to give families more time. I don't think they're all this way, but I do think/know some are. Can they try to support these families just a little more. Realize the magnitude of the situation and feel for them as people?
I'm absolutely not speaking of our situation. We had heard from other families the time period to decision is pretty short, but they really didn't give us a timeline. We decided fairly quickly, within a week, but we were fortunate. Not everyone's situation is as clear and easy to make that decision. Our agencies were great. While I would have liked to have worked more closely with our homestudy agency since we were familiar with them, etc., we didn't get the choice. You are at the mercy of whichever Korean agency the birth mother places at and then whichever US agency the Korean agency releases them to. It's not necessarily convenient.
So some of the reasons we chose to accept instead of decline; we tried to put money aside first, so we would not get stuck on that. That either is or isn't. Did we feel ready and could we do everything else for this little man? We first went to Brian's mom since she provides daycare to make sure she had room in daycare for him. That was one thing we felt strongly about so he would have an easier transition by being with his sister and around a caregiver he would see at other times other than daycare days. After that was taken care of we had spoke with each other already, but then we talked to all the parents (grandparents) to get their input. We eventually realized they weren't for or against it. They were for whatever we could make work. But, we did feel some reluctance in all of their attitudes and voices. But, we realized that was probably for fear for us. They knew this was big. We finally gave a small version of the story to the kids because unless they were for it we would not pursue. We did not want them to feel slighted in anyway. Last, I needed to talk to someone who was not a close friend or family member. I needed someone slightly removed to help me think about it. I spoke to our priest and he was wonderful. I talked to him about my fears and concerns. He told me some stories and talked to me for a bit and then I left after we decided to watch for God's signs for the most important concerns/fears I had. Brian and I discussed the money part and decided we did not have enough, nor did we have the option of a personal loan again. A couple of days, after the weekend was over, I had thought of an idea about how we could make our home loan work for us by refinancing for a lower rate and we were given a small gift. Refinancing worked out perfectly. It was exactly what we needed to feel "safe" with it. That and another concern were relieved and we were ready. We felt we were being led very directly and must proceed.
Other families do not get this choice. They don't get the answers they're looking for. Things don't fall into place and they don't feel at peace immediately when they have to say no. They anguish. We anguished. It an enormous decision. I woke up the very first night we found out about J to go to the bathroom and thought "oh this didn't really happen" and then I realized it did and I just felt sick. It's that big of a decision. I didn't feel sick because I didn't want him. I felt sick because I was so unsure what to do and did want him and was afraid we'd have to say no. I cried a lot. We talked so much those days. We talked about what happens if we do and what happens if we don't. In the end, Korea wasn't sure if J would even be adopted into the US, but may remain for adoption in Korea. That worried us that he would never be told he has a sister and they would never ever know each other. Then we realized that our biggest regrets in life would be not having him here with us. We would never regret having him in our lives. That, in the end, won over everything.
So, if you're reading this and thinking you would absolutely say yes, no matter what. Great. But, you may find your answer surprising. It's fine what anyone's personal decision is on this as long as we remember it's to each their own. You cannot condemn or think low of someone who cannot accept and is not in that lucky situation. And I do pray that those who cannot are not in this situation. It's hard enough if you can, in the end.
Lisa
To me this is so terribly sad. You truly get very little information with these calls. They're very vague. The fact that their agency couldn't give them a little more time is just wrong. I've seen other family's have time to begin fundraising before giving a definitive answer on siblings. The other problem she and I discussed is how the agencies don't seem to understand that it's just not as simple as a yes or no answer. Money is an enormous factor. It's very different purposely walking into an adoption process and having one sprung on you in a matter of a week and before you know it you're knee deep in papers again. I truly wish their were grants for families like ours and these others. I would like to start one, but don't have a clue where or how to begin. I hate that other families are in this situation similar to ours and have to decline purely for this reason.
I mean how many people can suddenly with one week's thought decide to have another child? In one week, the family has to consider the dynamics of their family, the money they will have to get through a loan to pay for the adoption, and simply adding a child in a VERY short amount of time that they had not planned. I get the argument that it's the same as suddenly becoming pregnant...yes and no. You do already feel this could be your child, but you did nothing to put out the possibility of having another child. And in most cases you do NOT get 9 months to prepare. We had 2 months!
I hope the agencies do more to support families during this time, if it approaches. I was aware it could happen , but it's just different actually being there. Thinking you know what you'd do and proceeding are two very distinct things. Is it wrong to accept...NO. Is it wrong to decline the referral....NO! These families have to do what's best for them at the time. The thing is, how do you know what's best for your family in 1 week! I hope agencies realize they need to give families more time. I don't think they're all this way, but I do think/know some are. Can they try to support these families just a little more. Realize the magnitude of the situation and feel for them as people?
I'm absolutely not speaking of our situation. We had heard from other families the time period to decision is pretty short, but they really didn't give us a timeline. We decided fairly quickly, within a week, but we were fortunate. Not everyone's situation is as clear and easy to make that decision. Our agencies were great. While I would have liked to have worked more closely with our homestudy agency since we were familiar with them, etc., we didn't get the choice. You are at the mercy of whichever Korean agency the birth mother places at and then whichever US agency the Korean agency releases them to. It's not necessarily convenient.
So some of the reasons we chose to accept instead of decline; we tried to put money aside first, so we would not get stuck on that. That either is or isn't. Did we feel ready and could we do everything else for this little man? We first went to Brian's mom since she provides daycare to make sure she had room in daycare for him. That was one thing we felt strongly about so he would have an easier transition by being with his sister and around a caregiver he would see at other times other than daycare days. After that was taken care of we had spoke with each other already, but then we talked to all the parents (grandparents) to get their input. We eventually realized they weren't for or against it. They were for whatever we could make work. But, we did feel some reluctance in all of their attitudes and voices. But, we realized that was probably for fear for us. They knew this was big. We finally gave a small version of the story to the kids because unless they were for it we would not pursue. We did not want them to feel slighted in anyway. Last, I needed to talk to someone who was not a close friend or family member. I needed someone slightly removed to help me think about it. I spoke to our priest and he was wonderful. I talked to him about my fears and concerns. He told me some stories and talked to me for a bit and then I left after we decided to watch for God's signs for the most important concerns/fears I had. Brian and I discussed the money part and decided we did not have enough, nor did we have the option of a personal loan again. A couple of days, after the weekend was over, I had thought of an idea about how we could make our home loan work for us by refinancing for a lower rate and we were given a small gift. Refinancing worked out perfectly. It was exactly what we needed to feel "safe" with it. That and another concern were relieved and we were ready. We felt we were being led very directly and must proceed.
Other families do not get this choice. They don't get the answers they're looking for. Things don't fall into place and they don't feel at peace immediately when they have to say no. They anguish. We anguished. It an enormous decision. I woke up the very first night we found out about J to go to the bathroom and thought "oh this didn't really happen" and then I realized it did and I just felt sick. It's that big of a decision. I didn't feel sick because I didn't want him. I felt sick because I was so unsure what to do and did want him and was afraid we'd have to say no. I cried a lot. We talked so much those days. We talked about what happens if we do and what happens if we don't. In the end, Korea wasn't sure if J would even be adopted into the US, but may remain for adoption in Korea. That worried us that he would never be told he has a sister and they would never ever know each other. Then we realized that our biggest regrets in life would be not having him here with us. We would never regret having him in our lives. That, in the end, won over everything.
So, if you're reading this and thinking you would absolutely say yes, no matter what. Great. But, you may find your answer surprising. It's fine what anyone's personal decision is on this as long as we remember it's to each their own. You cannot condemn or think low of someone who cannot accept and is not in that lucky situation. And I do pray that those who cannot are not in this situation. It's hard enough if you can, in the end.
Lisa
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