Perspective

 

It really was a beautiful day. Tonight I think about how this time last week the youngest two and I were laughing because of a senior game of senior assassin going on. Some threats for kids to come over and using J to get to her. I had texted Cole earlier about Easter and the candy he wanted. I wish it wasn’t really just idle chatter between us and rather one of our good conversations. But in the end I can’t live in regrets. I know we told each other every time we spoke to each other and a lot of texts. He had really gotten good about that. Never being afraid to tell us. 

His friends, many not all, made the 5 hour drive to be with us. One of his best friends brought Ruger to say goodbye. We have entrusted him to her knowing Cole really loved and trusted his friend. Seeing him and meeting his friends was healing.  Hearing from these friends we had only just met of how much Cole had told them about us was great. They assured us how much he loved us and they said they could tell how much we loved him. 

His memorial was beautiful. We stuck to things we knew he would want.  Short prayer and memory of him by our deacon.  He mentioned the song Unimaginable, from Hamilton, not knowing that that play is a favorite of Chelsi and I and I had just told her this week that that song had popped into my head.  It was perfect. We laughed on old memories. We cried. A LOT!  Tomorrow and every Easter after will not feel the same.  We lost our first baby Easter weekend and now I’ve lost another. I’m going to keep going because Cole would want that and I have 4 more amazing kids that need us. And they really have been amazing.  Between experiencing their responses in this hard time for our family, seeing the outpouring of support for all of them and us today (I can’t even imagine how many people came it was so many) I know that we’re raising good humans. 

Give those kids hugs tonight.  Don’t let silly arguments keep you from saying I love you even once.  Take the pictures and videos of your adult kids even when they don’t want you to. Love them unconditionally and love the bond your kids develop with each other. 

#noregrets #lovemykids #gonenotforgotten

I love you

This may be a mix for now, awhile or forever.  A mix of saving money and a mix of a journal for me.  A way for me to remember my son and my feelings as I try to navigate the rest of my life without him.  I sent him the text below a couple of days after the news.  I had to tell him one more time. 

The last few mornings I woke up crying immediately.  Yesterday was a little better.  I didn't cry right away.  Today, I woke up super early and though I'm not sobbing uncontrollably as I have I'm just sadder than yesterday. I can feel him.  I can remember what it was like hugging him.  And because he towered over my 5'5" frame at 6'5" tall, I always wrapped my arms around his mid torso.  Unless he bent down that's just what I had to do.  He only bent down for all of his grandmothers.  I can still see him in my house.  I can see him in the doorway of the hall to my room as he would come in there to say something or standing at the top of the stairs as he came for a visit or was getting ready to leave and came to say goodbye.  

The last time he left......2 weeks ago, he was going to be here while I was gone to work so that he could get some business done locally.  I said goodbye the night before and kept the security video of him leaving that morning.  It was a weird habit I had anytime the kids left.  Those never got deleted.  I have him talking to Ruger that morning and I'll forever get to hear his voice because of that.  I'm thankful for that.  I miss his voice already.  We didn't talk everyday.  He was very busy with long days at work and friends beyond measure.  But he always called for news, recipes and how tos.  And the last minute calls to say he was coming home.  

I pray I can feel his hugs forever, in my mind.  I pray I can here the way he would say "what?!" and smile REALLY big.  I have videos of his childhood and some of the faces he made in those never really changed.  We've been looking back on those and smiling.  They don't make me sad. They make me remember and feel.  I don't ever want to not feel even when the pain hits.  

Drive your older kids crazy.  Whip out the phone.  Take the 5 second videos and quick pics so you have their smiles, their voices and their funny expressions.  Don't regret a second.

Cole. I don't even know what to say. There isn't enough space to say it all.  I love you so much. I have loved you since the day I found out we were having you. You are amazing.  You were the kids I prayed to have and the kid I prayed for daily for God to walk with you and keep you safe. I guess he wanted you back. I will never ever understand.  I try not to question this stuff anymore. It's exhausting to do so. I only wish I had more time with you. I still see you standing in the doorways towering up the top.  Washing your red dirt clothes from OK so you can go to bed after a long drive here. Seeing you play video games and chat with Jaemin always made my heart melt.  I wish I had told you.  I said what I felt so I don't have a lot of regrets. I always wanted to make sure you knew I loved you no matter what. Even when we disagreed. I hope you truly knew it was never being said just to be said. I feel tremendous love for all of you. You were the first I loved like that. I hope you're looking down on all of us who loved you. I know you'll keep us all safe.  You always saw angels when you were little so I guess God just kept you close because you were special. I always wanted to see how your story turned out. I always felt like you were here to impact this world. I lm sad you didn't fully get the chance.  But those of us who got you feel the impact.  Those of us who were fortunate to love you.  Those of us God felt worthy. You were a free spirit who never apologized for being different. That's what made you....you.  I promise we will always talk about you.  I promise we won't let the world forget you.  I always said Jaemin was the final piece that sealed up my heart but now it's cracked and definitely broken. It can never really be healed. Just taped and bandaged together.  You always knew you wouldn't live forever.  Your heart condition gave you a different outlook on life that I guess I thought was negative but I'm glad you saw that you needed to live every single day and celebrate every single day. Jaemin told me the other night that he knew you were happy.  I'm glad he saw that. I love you my baby boy. With all of my heart and my soul and I will until I see you again. We can still talk though. I will talk to you like I do my grandmas. Give them all hugs please. One of your really good ones. I love you.  God I love you so damn much. It hurts to love some one so much. I thank God I got to love you for 27 years.  Goodbye.  

TSATravel Part 2

 

TSA Part 2.  I already have the liquids in the little containers. I have a kid who will be flying soon to try out some of this.  But we will really give it a test this summer. I love how small these are which means more things in the quart size bag to have less of more products.  

Can’t wait for the trips with these.

#flysmart #smartpacking #tsapacking

File taxes for free!

 

Did you file your taxes this year?  I’ve done ours and helped the high school and college kids with theirs.  We all have our refunds.  Super easy. And super cheap.  You only pay for state and we had a lot of forms to fill out like HSA, education tax credits etc.  No problem.  Try them out!  @freetaxusa   #freetaxes #filefree #savemoney

Personalized Phone Case on the Cheap

 

My quick little phone art project. Not the greatest as far as design durability but if you’re someone who wants to change the design of your phone case often this is for you!  I’m totally good with it. I’ll probably redo it from time to time and then let it run off so it looks more like a sketch and not so perfect.  According to Sharpie, on Walmarts website these oil based markers are supposed to be abrasion resistant.  They are not.

Less than $20 all together so you get a lot of designs for that price. Markers are from Walmart and the case is from Amazon. Have fun arting! 

Sharpie-Oil-Based-Medium-Paint-Marker-Set-Silver-Gold

Phone Case

 #diyphonecase #sharpiefun #metallicart 

TSA TRAVEL PART 1

 

Part 1 with some great travel containers to make fitting all of your liquids in 1 quart bags much easier. I’ve always had solid bottles but now I focus on using airbnbs that provide shampoo and conditioner. I’m not really preferential anyways. I do have bar shampoo to bring as a backup.  I also keep a great powder facial cleanser just for traveling too. 

There are all kinds of new ways to carry your liquid hair care and beauty items without overpacking for TSA clearance. 

I am not an Amazon affiliate or influencer. This is strictly passing on things I have found and like onto others as ideas. 

Favorite liquid squeeze containers in multiple sizes, just $8

Lipgloss size squeeze travel containers - my next video will elaborate on these

Travel squeeze bottles more traditional but squeezable

Repeat February

 Repeat February. Last February was rough.  To say the least.  Some hurtful things going on.  

But there were some good days and these were two of them. Last year was Winterfest Princess, this year was Queen. Last year was Hamilton on campus this year was Mama Mia at the Fox.  Last year it was just her and I for Hamilton.  This year it was both daughters,  my little sis, my mom and my sweet niece. Such a fantastic night with the girls and great Christmas present for my mom.  More nights or days like this please!

#moregirlsnights  #february #showtime