Another first….Mother’s Day

 

My son wasn’t usually home for Mother’s Day. He always had plans to be here over Memorial Day and knew I didn’t like him on the road too much. 

A lot of times the day was sprinkled with a graduation, my middle son’s birthday, visiting their grandmas or really not doing anything. This year was so different. I was missing an important phone call that I always got.  It was replaced with very thoughtful Mother’s Day wishes from friends and family who didn’t normally say anything.  But there was never a need to. Oddly, while it made me cry, it made me feel better.  My kids worked together to make the day special. I shared it with my middle son’s birthday once again which always has made me happy. He was my Mothers Day gift I brought home 24 years ago on actual Mother’s Day.  He had his girlfriend over to spend time with her but then she left to be with her mom and I had all 4 of my kids to myself.  We all spent time blowing up floaties and then lounging around the pool together for the first swim of the season.  It was quiet and nice.  I wore my son’s Metallica shirt to feel him with me that day.  I felt okay with the day.  

It doesn’t mean I don’t still have days like today where a song came on the radio and I cried on my way to work, walking into my office with tears still in my eyes. But suppressing this will do no good. Shoving it down as I sometimes do, to get by, can’t be done constantly.  I have kids to live for. I have kids to be strong for. But sometimes I know it’s okay for them to see how much losing one of them hurts and means to me.  I will always love every one of them unconditionally. I always have. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there who still have their kids and big hugs to those who don’t.  

#mothersday #motherslove #momgrief 

One last stand

 

We left at 8:15am. Will return about 8:15pm. All to watch her compete in the 4x800 and 4x400 her senior year. First and last events of every meet. But worth all of this for the past four years.  She and her team are going to state.  And some records were broken by some of the kids. Great day for them. 

Her freshman year she went as a 4x400 alternate.  This year she earned her way in both events and has done that for three years now.  Proud of her and the team.

 #tracklife #supportingourkids #itsmay

Count down

 Counting down for so many things.  One kid finishing his first year of his first full time job. One finishing junior year of college getting ready for her first two summer internships.  One graduating high school and finishing her final and 4th year of track as the two before her did.  And one finishing his freshman year of high school.  Despite what has happened this year they all 4 stayed strong and finished strong   I’m so proud of their strength and resilience.  It will serve them well through life because as our family well knows an easy life is never promised and rarely realized.

We’re leaving soon for one of my happy places. It’s just my daughter and I. Our first trip just the two of us but we’ve been planning this for awhile.  Not literally planning but intending to go.  And I got my flags out of the garage for Spring. Yes. You cannot see the US flag but it’s in the photo. I have them in the respectful flag order. But I always want my Korean born kids to also be proud that they are Korean American. 

#patriotism #countdowntovacation  #senioryearwinddown

Beautiful reminders

 Everyone needs friends like these.  We couldn’t be more thankful for everything they have done for us to get us through the unthinkable. The unfathomable.  Between this bench on the water and the wind chimes ringing in the breezes to remind us of our beautiful son; it helps.  I couldn’t love these thoughtful gifts more. 

 #rememberthem #lostson #mychildrenaremylife

Good days

 

Yep. Good days.  We are having them and feeling God’s comfort and warmth. I’m more thankful than ever for every day the kids are with us.  I always was but I guess I’m just more conscious of it than ever.  Another 9 hour day of track that’s exhausting it well spent with some of the people I love dearly and after 9 years of having of 1-2 kids in track consistently it’s drawing to a close.  I’ve also learned , after losing Cole, not to dread the busy days of running or long days of sitting all day to watch their minute or two of shining.  It’s easy to not see that when you’re in the throes of parenting and maybe you have more kids to juggle at one time than feels doable. It’s okay. I promise.  Just do it and enjoy it. 

The kids did amazing today. The boys took 2nd overall and the girls took 3rd overall.  Her and her relays for the 4x400 and 4x800 were district champs!

#tracklife #lifegrowth #family 

Bad hair days among other things

 This is why the older I get I put less effort in my hair. Minutes after being outside it’s nothing but frizz and curls. I’d love to embrace the curls but they’re not even so no matter what my hair looks flat on top and frizzy and curly on the bottom.  

I’m trying really hard to no longer sweat the small stuff.  Very hard for an OCD person.  Had myself a good cry tonight.  They’re getting ver random, but I think it’s because I’ve been keeping busy,  How can I not?  I have a senior and two kids running track.  It’s definitely enough to mask and shove back things that could be going on in my head.  So they pop out randomly when I have a slow moment.

#frizzy #raincurls #badhairday

Inevitable moments

It’s been an entire month. An entire 30+ days without our son.  I’m doing okay. I’m doing better.  But, yesterday I saw something and my impulse was to call him to ask him about it and within a split second I realized I couldn’t. That was a hard moment but one that was going to happen.   

For the first time in over a month the corner of my counter is empty. For weeks it sat there with lists of people to send thank yous to, checks and money from people to forward to the charities and other things to take care of. Don’t get me wrong. We’re still dealing with things of his to close out and take care of that just takes time but it’s dwindling down and allowing my thoughts to not be constantly reminded and consumed in utter sadness all of the time.  

I still have a little trouble with finding joy. The track meets are hard. I haven’t gotten back to yelling at and for everyone but I’m going and I’m clapping to cheer the kids on.   And when I go downstairs I get to see his favorite hats hanging where nothing was ever hung before and instead there was just emptiness that seemed awkward.  Deer mounts on the wall that he begged me to hang while he was traveling and a jersey framed that he loved.  All things that can now make me smile and think of him. 

#missyou. #lostson #tryingtoheal