30 years

 30 years of being married. Over 32 together.  

Someone asked if it felt like a lot. The truth is yes.  We’ve been through a lifetime together.  We had gone through a tremendous amount long ago.  We’ve lost children.  Acquired health conditions.  Watched our children suffer. Prayed so often for our little family. 

We have fought against each other and fought to stay together.  Wanted to give up and then we realize there’s not something better out there. It’s so hard.  We’ve definitely felt the weight of everything we’ve been through adding to our relationship.  But we don’t have a choice. We’ve never had a choice. We either choose to give up or keep fighting through. 

I’ll find her

 I know whatever is next for me is still waiting for me to find. I have ALWAYS wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I have loved them all through good and bad.  I can honestly say I have loved them unconditionally through hurt and mistakes.  I will always love them. 

With the holidays coming,whether I like it or not, I’m looking deeper into my life.  I’m realizing that I can be more than just a mom.  I’m finding out, the hard way, that I now need to learn to take care of me.  I saw a movie that explained that there’s a reason they make the parent put the oxygen mask on before putting on the child.  If we don’t take care of ourselves we can’t take care of them. 

Between heart surgeries, adoption processes, life altering accidents and life I’ve done a lot on autopilot. We were always just getting by and I want to do more than get by.  I want to do more than put myself last.  I want to look back and not just see pictures but vivid memories and feel the comfort and love of family and friends. 

Does that mean I’m ready for full fledged holidays this year?  Not at all.  I’m dreading them with every fiber of my being. My house is my safe place where I can pretend, somewhat, like they’re not here and therefore I don’t have to acknowledge who is missing.  I may stay here in that place. I may be brave enough to come out. I will know when the time comes. 

Just please don’t minimize my feelings and inability to move yet.  Please just help me and be there for me instead.  I promise I’ll try harder every year. But this year.  I just need to grieve that holidays loss.  The holidays were the time when I could absolutely count on my little chicks being back in the nest and spending time with them. I have to figure out how I can do that without one.  I will figure it out.  I need strength, time and grace. 

#holidaygrief  #holidaysafterloss

One sad mom to another

 https://abedformyheart.com/grateful-and-grieving/

As I sit here recooperating from a surgery I have been finding myself extremely anxious about the holidays that will come and go without regard to me or my heart.  I’ve been scouring the internet for blogs from a universe of moms who have gone through this before me and explained what they have done to survive the rest of the year.  There’s no one size fits all.  After so much reading I still haven’t found something that feels right to get through two very busy holidays.  

The blog I linked here did a good job of explaining what moms are going through after the loss of their children. And there’s no limit to just the first holidays without.  They’re limited by what that mom can handle.  I feel oddly comforted as I cry reading blog after blog of moms who are trying to help new grieving moms like myself.  

All I know is that I want these holidays to either pass by unnoticed or change up the tradition so much that it’s unrecognizable and maybe it won’t feel like he’s missing the holiday it will just feel like a gathering that he didn’t make it home for. 

It’s so hard to explain to anyone how you feel. I think most moms would agree that no one loved anyone on this Earth like a mother so when the child is lost first a mother doesn’t know what to do. In ways she feels like she’s just aimlessly roaming this world.  Caught between trying to take care of her remaining children the way she used to and trying to redefine herself with the huge gaping hole that is left of her.  The holidays amplify that hole and make it more obvious.  

Love to all those moms out there this year whether it’s your first or you are years in. 

Creating new beauty

 

My front area needed a change earlier this fall and that’s a good time to move plants if you’re going to.  I had some overcrowding and needed to move a planter.  I had this little boy fishing for years because it always reminded me of my older boys but I had it back in a corner. The kids made the handprint stones back in 2011 and I had them scattered.

It was time to put the little boy fishing in the middle surrounded by the handprints of the 4 youngest kids.  I know Cole has his younger siblings watched over. He always cared about them and I know he still does.

I’d like to say I’m good and my heart is good but it’s still minute by minute some days. I truly understand how difficult the holidays are for people in certain situations.  I know I have a lot to be thankful but this whole year has been rough and I’m not looking forward to the holidays. 

I’m really big on reusing where possible.  Finding new uses for things when you need a change or something is no longer working.   You can take something you’re tired of and make it new and beautiful.  It doesn’t always mean more money being spent.

#firsts #firstholidayswithoutyou #missyoueveryday 

Privacy

 I’ve been wanting more privacy in our front door for awhile. Delivery people or anyone could see right in the house.  For $10 I bought a roll of the vinyl rain glass cling, cut it, sprayed it and had it on in maybe 30 minutes.  I love it! 

Seriously if it have a door that needs this don’t hesitate. I just used my credit card and a blade to cut it to size. But you can also buy a kit. 

Comment if you want a link. 

Last step

 

The box is what’s mine to keep for next year.  I kept a little extra just in case.  The ones on the flat are extras for friends and family.  I had SO many!!  But now they’re cleaned off and packed in shredded paper for the Winter.  

Another thing off my to do list. 

Canna Lilly digging

 

The summer is over.  It was time. 

I started these little raised beds with 6 bulbs from an online farm. I couldn’t find any local bulbs that promised 4’+ cannas.  So I took the chance. 

I planted them towards the end of March.  By June they were a couple feet and by July they were between 4-6 feet tall and had multiplied into a beautiful privacy hedge.  I loved these. So tropical looking and so thick.  They also attracted humming birds and butterflies. 

We’ve had our first frost and the leaves started to shrivel so it was time to cut them down and dig up the bulbs for wintering.  I had no idea what to expect when I was all done I had over 30 bulbs. 

I’m giving most of them away  I kept the ones that I wanted and have friends and family taking the rest.  I’ll be ready for March to plant them again and see what my wintered bulbs produce.

#cannalily #gardening #winterprep