Sibling calls and the intricacies of

I've been "chatting" with a mom who received a sibling call a month or so ago.  It's amazing how much you truly do not understand until you've been in this situation.  This particular family was unable to accept.  I believe for financial, which I can truly appreciate.  She's been trying to find out if the baby's referred family will know the baby is a sibling to their child so they can have "some" sort of contact.  She said the agency (I don't know who) is not helping at all.  The agency only let the family have a week to make their decision, is acting like they're unable to help put them in touch with the other family, etc.  She's going to try to write a letter and forward it to the family through the agency, but is unsure it will do any good.

To me this is so terribly sad.  You truly get very little information with these calls.  They're very vague.  The fact that their agency couldn't give them a little more time is just wrong.  I've seen other family's have time to begin fundraising before giving a definitive answer on siblings.  The other problem she and I discussed is how the agencies don't seem to understand that it's just not as simple as a yes or no answer.  Money is an enormous factor.  It's very different purposely walking into an adoption process and having one sprung on you in a matter of a week and before you know it you're knee deep in papers again.  I truly wish their were grants for families like ours and these others.  I would like to start one, but don't have a clue where or how to begin.  I hate that other families are in this situation similar to ours and have to decline purely for this reason.

I mean how many people can suddenly with one week's thought decide to have another child?  In one week, the family has to consider the dynamics of their family, the money they will have to get through a loan to pay for the adoption, and simply adding a child in a VERY short amount of time that they had not planned.  I get the argument that it's the same as suddenly becoming pregnant...yes and no.  You do already feel this could be your child, but you did nothing to put out the possibility of having another child.  And in most cases you do NOT get 9 months to prepare.  We had 2 months!

I hope the agencies do more to support families during this time, if it approaches.  I was aware it could happen , but it's just different actually being there.  Thinking you know what you'd do and proceeding are two very distinct things.  Is it wrong to accept...NO.  Is it wrong to decline the referral....NO!  These families have to do what's best for them at the time.  The thing is, how do you know what's best for your family in 1 week!  I hope agencies realize they need to give families more time.  I don't think they're all this way, but I do think/know some are.  Can they try to support these families just a little more.  Realize the magnitude of the situation and feel for them as people?

I'm absolutely not speaking of our situation.  We had heard from other families the time period to decision is pretty short, but they really didn't give us a timeline.  We decided fairly quickly, within a week, but we were fortunate.  Not everyone's situation is as clear and easy to make that decision.  Our agencies were great.  While I would have liked to have worked more closely with our homestudy agency since we were familiar with them, etc., we didn't get the choice.  You are at the mercy of whichever Korean agency the birth mother places at and then whichever US agency the Korean agency releases them to.  It's not necessarily convenient.

So some of the reasons we chose to accept instead of decline; we tried to put money aside first, so we would not get stuck on that.  That either is or isn't.  Did we feel ready and could we do everything else for this little man?  We first went to Brian's mom since she provides daycare to make sure she had room in daycare for him.  That was one thing we felt strongly about so he would have an easier transition by being with his sister and around a caregiver he would see at other times other than daycare days.  After that was taken care of we had spoke with each other already, but then we talked to all the parents (grandparents) to get their input.  We eventually realized they weren't for or against it.  They were for whatever we could make work.  But, we did feel some reluctance in all of their attitudes and voices.  But, we realized that was probably for fear for us.  They knew this was big.  We finally gave a small version of the story to the kids because unless they were for it we would not pursue.  We did not want them to feel slighted in anyway.  Last, I needed to talk to someone who was not a close friend or family member.  I needed someone slightly removed to help me think about it.  I spoke to our priest and he was wonderful.  I talked to him about my fears and concerns.  He told me some stories and talked to me for a bit and then I left after we decided to watch for God's signs for the most important concerns/fears I had.  Brian and I discussed the money part and decided we did not have enough, nor did we have the option of a personal loan again.  A couple of days, after the weekend was over, I had thought of an idea about how we could make our home loan work for us by refinancing for a lower rate and we were given a small gift.  Refinancing worked out perfectly.  It was exactly what we needed to feel "safe" with it.  That and another concern were relieved and we were ready.  We felt we were being led very directly and must proceed.

Other families do not get this choice.  They don't get the answers they're looking for.  Things don't fall into place and they don't feel at peace immediately when they have to say no.  They anguish.  We anguished.  It an enormous decision.  I woke up the very first night we found out about J to go to the bathroom and thought "oh this didn't really happen" and then I realized it did and I just felt sick.  It's that big of a decision.  I didn't feel sick because I didn't want him.  I felt sick because I was so unsure what to do and did want him and was afraid we'd have to say no.  I cried a lot.  We talked so much those days. We talked about what happens if we do and what happens if we don't.  In the end, Korea wasn't sure if J would even be adopted into the US, but may remain for adoption in Korea.  That worried us that he would never be told he has a sister and they would never ever know each other.  Then we realized that our biggest regrets in life would be not having him here with us.  We would never regret having him in our lives.  That, in the end, won over everything.

So, if you're reading this and thinking you would absolutely say yes, no matter what.  Great.  But, you may find your answer surprising.  It's fine what anyone's personal decision is on this as long as we remember it's to each their own.  You cannot condemn or think low of someone who cannot accept and is not in that lucky situation.  And I do pray that those who cannot are not in this situation.  It's hard enough if you can, in the end.

Lisa

Ahhhhh..a nice "boring" evening

Truly enjoyable!

We really believe in not overbooking children.  They should not be so booked with activities that they don't know whether they are coming or going.....which coincidentally is how we feel right now.  So, while that's a great idea to not overbook them so they can keep their grades up and have family time, with 5 kids it's pretty much impossible for "the family" to not be really busy.  It just depends on the time of year.  We pretty much restrict the kids to one activity/sport a year.  But, we encourage them to try what they want, once, so they can make a better decision to stick with what they love.  So, this year Chase got to do baseball AND football.  Last year C did baseball AND basketball and decided he really loved basketball.  Chelsi is now old enough to play soccer, so she and K are both playing and therefore we have 3 sports going during the same 2 month period.  We have 1 football practice and 1 football game per week and we have 1 soccer practice and 2 soccer games per week, plus both of us working full-time, getting homework done, grocery shopping, sick kids, doctor appointments, etc.

Tonight, was a rare, calm evening.  The kids came home from school and only one had homework.  He got it done right away and they played outside quite awhile.  I even had time to call and talk to my dad with whom has been calling for a week trying to catch me.  Brian helped Cole practice basketball so he can tryout and the girls and J just had a great time with me in the living room.  These don't happen often, but you seriously enjoy them when they do.

Here are pictures of what a "boring" life looks like.







And just because he's REALLY cute!

Happy Chuseok!

This weekend was Chuseok (Harvest Moon/Thanksgiving).  It's a major holiday weekend in most, if not all, Asian countries.  We celebrated by going on a hayride with other local adoptive families.  The kids roasted some hot dogs and marshmallows and then we went on the hayride.  It was a VERY long ride and the kids loved it!  Our two littlest fell asleep on me.  Ks freind M, from school, was there and they loved getting to be together an extra day.

I baked some sesame seed cookies or ggae gwa ja.  They were yummy.  I doubled the batch so we'd have extra at home.  :)

Happy Chuseok to those celebrating this weekend.

Lisa

Complete family/Life Happiness?

When does life stop surprising you?  In my mid 30s and 5 kids you would think certain things would no longer surprise me.  I don't know what I expected with J.  Did I expect because we didn't plan for him and he was so unexpected I wouldn't love him the same?  I don't think so.  I don't think I really even thought about it one way or another or had any expectations for my feelings.  It just seems that everyday that goes by I feel more love and such intense love for Jaemin and it surprises me a bit.  I'm not really sure why except that it's just so intense in the connection and that connection feels so special with my little man.

I could literally sit there and stare at him.  I'm in such awe at how precious he is and how gorgeous (I mean really gorgeous) he is.  I always said we were done after Chelsi.  I mean we had only planned for 2, maybe 3, kids.  I guess after Chelsi it just kind of felt like we "should" be done.  We had 4 kids and it was busy and it really isn't that "normal" to even have 4, let alone 5.  So we thought we were done and then J just shocked us all right into our lives.  And now I feel something I've never felt in our 15 years of marriage.  I feel VERY complete.   Truly complete.  This little man that we never intended to have closed the door and made my heart feel very full.  I'd always thought it was bs when people said they knew they were done and complete.  I can see if you just knew, from the start, what you were going to have from the start, but people like me that said so many and slowly exceeded that.  How did they really know they were every done?  Now I know and understand.  I think a part of me didn't really let go of the total idea of another.  I think a part of me knew there was still something missing.  But, logically, it just didn't make sense to want another child.

We thought we were done and in a non-purposeful way we left it to the Lord.  His birth mother was not put in this pain for my joy.  I don't believe that for a second.  She had another child, was unable to raise him, asked for him to be placed with his sibling and we were fortunate to be that family.  It was just human choice and circumstance that brought him into this world, but I believe at that point he was meant to be with us and his sister.  For this, I pray that his birth mother reads the letters we send, one day, and knows that he's with her as she wanted.  I hope this gives his birth mother peace as she deserves for her selfless gift.

After the loss of a friend and her son (whom we went through our first, her only, processes together), I'm trying very hard to not get so upset about such small things.  Settle down and look at the big picture. It's sometimes easier said than done, but for some reason the loss of these two people gave me that insight that I truly needed.  And on top of feeling complete with my sweetness in my life I'm trying to find my bliss in the simpleness of life and what the Lord intended and attempting to not get caught up in drama and little unimportant things that the Lord looks down on.

Thank you Liz and Seth for that.  I have faith you two are together as mommy and son and you will forever be guardingels to your husband/father.

Lisa

The whole Katherine Heigl Adoption event

it sort of makes me crazy sometimes.  It's all over the adoption boards and, of course, the internet.  If you actually read some of the articles they're crazy!

While it's sweet that she chose to adopt because her sister was Korean born, it just turns into such a media frenzy.  Some articles are stating that the baby girl was born with a hole that was corrected.  But, then they'll state that the adoption was expedited because the baby needed to be in the US to get the medical care she needed.  PLEASE!  Korea's medical care on these little ones is as good as ours, at least.  I would have no problems with my children getting care in Korea, surgical or otherwise.  If she had a small hole it wouldn't have been surgically corrected in the traditional sense.  Most thing open, surgery.  Most small holes are corrected through a cath now, which is not a huge deal at all.  2nd, Korea doesn't send a child home any faster because of "special needs".  Call them what the agencies here call these kids....waiting children.   It's my preference, but I hate, hate that term.  And yes, I have two "waiting children".  Some articles go onto make it sound as though Katherine and her husband found out about their baby or received their referral when she was like 1 month old.  Impossible.  Korea cannot, by law, release a child for overseas application until at least 5 1/2 months of age and even then you have to wait to accept for 2 more weeks.  Some also make it sound like someone withheld that the baby had a heart condition.  Ummm...if the referral was sent out at 5 1/2 months of age (at the youngest), the baby's heart was corrected at 2 months...Korea knew about it.  Korea does not hide anything nor do the US counterparts.  You see waiting children with any needs from very minor to very serious so they can find the right family for these wonderful little ones.  They're concerned for the children first!

And to all those calling Katherine and her husband saints....annoying.  Sorry to be blunt, but I don't even like it when people think we're special for adopting and then adoption waiting children to boot.  We're not...they're not.  It's just what we wanted.  Our daughters and Katherine's daughter would have been adopted by someone.  It's a fact that girls are easier to place.  Side by side to boys with the same issues the girls would find families faster than the boys.  Sad, but true.  So, are we special....no.  Is she?  No.  We're just these kids' parents by choice because that's the way it was meant to be.

Anyways, no pedestals please.  She's not a poor little orphan.  She's a sweet little baby that found her parents.  That's it!  Our 5 found us through birth and adoption...that's it!

BTW, Korea is one of the most honest, reputable programs I know of.  It's one of the oldest around and the people of Korea love these children being placed.  They ONLY look out for these children!

Lisa

I forget

that sometimes my kids are friends and CAN get along.  They've been fighting so much lately, I had started to wonder.  So happy to see them outside getting along with no crying...yet.

Confirmation

We had confirmation that Chelsi has strep like the others.  J's pneumonia was not going away like we had hoped on amox, so I asked that they change his meds.  He gets z now.  If he has any fevers by Monday he has to be seen.  He's been in a greally great mood today, though he's still really tired.  I'm praying my little man is getting over this.  Chelsi actually seems to be feeling well and her temp isn't too bad.  But, we're keeping her confined to keep the others from reinfection.

Hopefully, soon, no one in the house will be sick anymore and we'll make it through the rest of the season with no major illnesses.  Please!

Lisa