When does life stop surprising you? In my mid 30s and 5 kids you would think certain things would no longer surprise me. I don't know what I expected with J. Did I expect because we didn't plan for him and he was so unexpected I wouldn't love him the same? I don't think so. I don't think I really even thought about it one way or another or had any expectations for my feelings. It just seems that everyday that goes by I feel more love and such intense love for Jaemin and it surprises me a bit. I'm not really sure why except that it's just so intense in the connection and that connection feels so special with my little man.
I could literally sit there and stare at him. I'm in such awe at how precious he is and how gorgeous (I mean really gorgeous) he is. I always said we were done after Chelsi. I mean we had only planned for 2, maybe 3, kids. I guess after Chelsi it just kind of felt like we "should" be done. We had 4 kids and it was busy and it really isn't that "normal" to even have 4, let alone 5. So we thought we were done and then J just shocked us all right into our lives. And now I feel something I've never felt in our 15 years of marriage. I feel VERY complete. Truly complete. This little man that we never intended to have closed the door and made my heart feel very full. I'd always thought it was bs when people said they knew they were done and complete. I can see if you just knew, from the start, what you were going to have from the start, but people like me that said so many and slowly exceeded that. How did they really know they were every done? Now I know and understand. I think a part of me didn't really let go of the total idea of another. I think a part of me knew there was still something missing. But, logically, it just didn't make sense to want another child.
We thought we were done and in a non-purposeful way we left it to the Lord. His birth mother was not put in this pain for my joy. I don't believe that for a second. She had another child, was unable to raise him, asked for him to be placed with his sibling and we were fortunate to be that family. It was just human choice and circumstance that brought him into this world, but I believe at that point he was meant to be with us and his sister. For this, I pray that his birth mother reads the letters we send, one day, and knows that he's with her as she wanted. I hope this gives his birth mother peace as she deserves for her selfless gift.
After the loss of a friend and her son (whom we went through our first, her only, processes together), I'm trying very hard to not get so upset about such small things. Settle down and look at the big picture. It's sometimes easier said than done, but for some reason the loss of these two people gave me that insight that I truly needed. And on top of feeling complete with my sweetness in my life I'm trying to find my bliss in the simpleness of life and what the Lord intended and attempting to not get caught up in drama and little unimportant things that the Lord looks down on.
Thank you Liz and Seth for that. I have faith you two are together as mommy and son and you will forever be guardingels to your husband/father.
Lisa
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