Never crossed my mind

I belong to a support group for Tetralogy of Fallot (Cole's heart condition).  It's comprised of mothers-to-be with a diagnosis for her baby, parents of minor children (such as myself), parents of adult children and the tet adults themselves.

Mostly, I belong, for the same reason I keep up with adoption support groups, because you never know when something will change and it's the best way to find out.  Sometimes I pose questions to adults hoping for a glimpse into Cole's future, praying for evidence of a happy, healthy one for him.  Sometimes the other parents post asking about pediatric cardiologist opinions, and sometimes, mostly mothers-to-be post because they're terribly frightened about the diagnosis they've been given for their baby to be born.

First, I did not know Cole had this when I was pregnant.  I did have an inkling something was wrong with his heart because of a mistake the sonographer made by making a comment, but she obviously never followed up with my OB.  I'm glad I didn't know.  I see the extra worry these moms go through and truth is you cannot do anything until the baby is born anyways.  And few of these kids are born with such issues that they must be addressed immediately upon birth.  Meaning, rarely do you have to have the child born in a hospital with a PC on staff.

I had not even thought of this aspect until a mom posted last night asking if others' marriages were devastated by the disease.  Granted I was very young (almost 23) when I gave birth to Cole, but it never crossed my mind that this could be difficult on a marriage.  By the time Cole was born it had been 1 year since we lost our first child.  After finding out Cole had tet and breaking down for a few minutes until the PC ensured me Cole would survive, I was just happy to have a healthy baby.  Albeit, not perfectly healthy according to everyone's standards, but it was fixable over his lifetime and he was with us, so I was content.  I remember freaking out a bit when he would have a cyanotic episode.  God just must have been with me the whole way. Always, the words of his PC stayed with me.  Treat him like a normal child.  He IS normal.  I only remembered he had a condition when he was sicker than usual, which was rare, had an episode or we had a doctor's appointment.  I guess I took it to heart.  When the day for his surgery came I was very calm.  It never really entered my young mind to worry.  I don't know if God was just with me the whole day or if I'm just like my mom and put on a brave face, only reserving my worst for real crisis?

I answered this other mother back, but had to really think back.  Did his condition ever put strain on our marriage??  It's been a long time.  But, honestly, it never ever did.  The loss of our child did.  Our pregnancies did from time-to-time.  Brian's accident, definitely did.  But, Cole.  He never did.  For a second I thought, wow lady, you should be so lucky for this to be the strife in your life so awful to not have a marriage left after it.  But, then I reminded myself.  You never know.  Maybe she had a terrible husband who only wanted the perfect family (though this disease is far from devastating in most cases).  Maybe this really is the hardest thing she's ever been through and has never had any disappointment in life and didn't know how to handle disappointment or fear.  Maybe their marriage wasn't good from the start.  Plenty of couples, statistically, divorce when one becomes a paraplegic or quadriplegic.  It changes more than just abilities to walk, never running again or changing the way they can or can't do simple tasks.  I kind of have a glimpse into understanding these family's breakups and crumbles more than anyone I know.  At the  same time you never actually really know anyone.  We are far from what we look like on the surface.  And even though I share enough in common with these people to want to judge them, I have to remember there are commonalities between us, but plenty of differences as well.

Our marriage is far from perfect.  I pray my kids' handle their disappointments better than I do.  But, we have enough love in us to always fight and work through the things (not disappointments) that have been thrown at us.  Life will continue to change and hopefully we will as well....in the right way.  Everyone changes as they age and grown.  When you go through such shifts in your core as we have and countless other families, it sends you in directions you never saw on the map you had outlined in your head.  That's when it's truly amazing that couples stay together.  I mean if you live in a fairly perfect world with little disappointment and unsolicited change, life's a breeze and marriage should be too.  But some don't just get a little ripple or bump, they get the whole earthquake.  Support those with the earthquake.  You never know when it could be you and don't judge them, or try not to, for the way they respond when they're in the middle of the 9.0.  It's all instinct.  And sometimes, some don't even respond in the middle.  Some are like me and they don't respond until all of the tremors and aftershocks are gone.  In the quiet, they realize their life has been turned upside down and they finally feel free to scream and be scared and try to find some control in their new world.