It's impossible to know how little kids process trauma. We don't even understand how we, as adults, process trauma sometimes. I mean we're all different. I really never expected this to affect Chelsi so much, but now I know it did.
Chelsi was 2 1/2 when Brian had his accident. That was the last time I cut her fingernails. She has chewed them every since. I thought that may that's what she did out of being nervous and she just couldn't stop and the accident really never bothered her anymore, but I think it does. More than she can explain. The other morning at grandma's she announced that "daddy broke his neck the last time he played basketball". How do you take this? Is she associating sport with accidents? I don't think so. I guess you really just never know. I do know that we're all still really dealing with the repercussions. Especially, the two of us. There is very seldom a day that goes by that something doesn't remind you that it happened.
While we're happy Brian could walk again, it's very apparent to us how much our lives have forever changed. He and we will never be the same. Part of it is good and part of it is just okay. Part of it we're still just adjusting to, even 2 years later. Trauma is not something you just go on and say 'oh well'. It's a process. A process to get through, not over.
Lisa
Monday, January 25, 2010
Finally found a way to get them closer.
I moved the living room furniture around a bit last night and the big part of the sectional is now off by itself with the chaise end. They ALL want to be there. Before this they'd all fight because the next person was just TOO close. Now they don't seem to mind. Go figure. I thought no one would sit there.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Public Restrooms with Kids in Tow
I always just assumed it was bad manners to use a handicapped restroom stall, even when I had kids with me. So, I always squeeze myself and them into the stall and try to help them out. It's always very difficult. Today, we made our 2nd trip back to Walmart. Yes, second trip. I needed to grocery shop and Brian's glasses were ready. I had called yesterday to make sure there was no possibility of mine being ready this weekend and they assured me there wasn't. So, Jaemin, Chelsi and I ventured to Walmart this morning.
This afternoon, I got a call that my glasses were ready. Since I'm tired of struggling to read any small print or my computer screen I decided to go ahead and make a trip back in. Brian and the other kids had to go to church and the littles and I have to go tomorrow for Sunday school, so I took Jaemin and Chelsi back in with me for my glasses. Usually, if I have both of them I bring my Ergo carrier. I can then get Chelsi in the cart and carry Jaemin with no problems shopping. I wasn't going to do anything but grab my glasses and run, so I brought nothing. We ran in through the pouring rain and right as we get to the Vision Center Chelsi finally tells me she needs to pee. So we ran back to the restrooms and all I could think was how am I going to do this without putting Jaemin down. I'm a germaphobe big time and it nasties me out to think he may fall on that floor and touch it.
We walked in and I saw the handicap stall door open. Inside was this little seat attached to the wall with a harness for little ones to sit on. No way! So I strapped Jaemin on and helped Chelsi get the seat cover down and helped her on. Then when we walked out there was a short little sink perfectly her height. It made it SO much easier. I now know it's okay to use this stall if you are in a similar situation and there are no handicapped people needing to use it. There's no way we could have all fit in a regular one anyways.
Lisa
This afternoon, I got a call that my glasses were ready. Since I'm tired of struggling to read any small print or my computer screen I decided to go ahead and make a trip back in. Brian and the other kids had to go to church and the littles and I have to go tomorrow for Sunday school, so I took Jaemin and Chelsi back in with me for my glasses. Usually, if I have both of them I bring my Ergo carrier. I can then get Chelsi in the cart and carry Jaemin with no problems shopping. I wasn't going to do anything but grab my glasses and run, so I brought nothing. We ran in through the pouring rain and right as we get to the Vision Center Chelsi finally tells me she needs to pee. So we ran back to the restrooms and all I could think was how am I going to do this without putting Jaemin down. I'm a germaphobe big time and it nasties me out to think he may fall on that floor and touch it.
We walked in and I saw the handicap stall door open. Inside was this little seat attached to the wall with a harness for little ones to sit on. No way! So I strapped Jaemin on and helped Chelsi get the seat cover down and helped her on. Then when we walked out there was a short little sink perfectly her height. It made it SO much easier. I now know it's okay to use this stall if you are in a similar situation and there are no handicapped people needing to use it. There's no way we could have all fit in a regular one anyways.
Lisa
Friday, January 22, 2010
*new* Email Subscription Now Available
Wordpress has made email subscriptions available. So now you can have an email sent when there is a new post to your favorite blogs.
Lisa
Lisa
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Need a little 'Chicken Fry'?
I've mentioned before that this is one of Chelsi's favorite songs. Here's her homemade video. :)
Add to Difference Post
So, I was thinking about my post regarding parenting differences. I also meant to touch on, but forgot just parenting the adopted child differently than past generations. There's always talk of both sides of the coin. We know better than previous generations of adoptive parents, due to education and experience through them than they did. But, we still can do better. I always agree a parent can do better. No doubt for any parent. We are not perfect, by all means.
But, I think sometimes we go overboard. There are a-parents that want their children to just mesh in and become Americans and that's that. I think that's simplifying it, but a summary of what some parents do. This is much the same as decades ago. Some parents drastically change their lives for their adopted children. They will uproot and move to a diverse area of their state, city, etc. so their child will never 'feel' out of place. They make extra efforts for everything by reading every book, joining every group, etc., etc.
I would never say either is wrong. It's a parental choice on how or where to raise your children regardless of how they came to your family. But, I can't help but wonder sometimes are extremes, just too extreme? We can never know what the real personality of our children will be in their teen years and later when a lot of adoptees begin to vocalize that their parents didn't do enough for them,or possibly too much? How do we know that by going to extremes we're not making them any less unhappy...if that makes sense? Some adoptees I have spoken with are perfectly content with the way they grew up and it was no different, or very little, from my upbringing. I guess I tend to take a middle of the road approach. My three children are Korean-Americans, but I tell them they can be whatever they feel. If they want to say they're American, Korean-American or Korean, it's up to them and it may change through their life how they feel. We don't go to camps, but mostly because we can't afford to all go as a family and we usually do most things as a family. I am learning Korean, but for me...not them. It's my choice. I've told them that if they want to learn here and there I will teach them what I know, which is about their level anyways. We cook Korean because of them. At least that's what made me find the recipes and started it. Now, I cook it because I enjoy it like I do Mexican and Chinese. We do small traditional things too. We have Korean items, music and art in the house, but we will never be Korean. We love the culture and do what we can, but don't immerse in it. We can't. We don't have the ability and it's not feasible for many reasons. They will never be denied their birthland by us. It will always be important...of course, or we wouldn't be trying so hard to return to a country I have grown to love.
The other thing some a-parents do is dwell on our children's adoptedness. Everything our children do, then, is linked to them being adopted. Even simple, normal, phases of childhood get blamed on them being adopted. Sometimes it is because of being adopted...no doubt. Some children do have attachment problems. Some children do take longer to bond because of their previous broken bonds. But do we take this to extreme too?
I know I've changed a lot over the past 3 children. I knew a lot less with our first and progressively more, now. But, I've been guilty of blaming things on adoption. I, for instance, thought Jaemin wasn't sleeping through the night because he needed reassurance we were still here. I mean afterall, he wasn't ill or anything else all the time, so it had to be that. Since we started his Zantac 3 nights ago he's a completely different boy. He's always been my angel, but he's so happy now. He still gets up some, but quiets within seconds. I can't even get to his room before he finds his paci back and quiets. And he's now babbling sounds he's never said before. He feels so good and is SO happy. This whole time, it was this. Or it seems to be. So, it's easy when there's nothing visual, to just assume. Turns out he has bonded greatly, he just hurt.
So, while I do keep a watchful eye for attachment and all I know about it, I will try to decide and decipher whether it really may just be a childhood phase or something else, completely unrelated to adoption. There's never hurt in seeking professional help if an a-parent feels it could be attachment related, but the symptoms of attachment really mimic a lot of other things too. And, early on, when babies/children first come home we can't really expect that attachment checklist to be marked off in any particular amount of time. So they will cry and they will go through certain phases for weeks or months. That's normal AND okay. We, as adoptive parents, need to give them and ourselves some slack.
Lisa
But, I think sometimes we go overboard. There are a-parents that want their children to just mesh in and become Americans and that's that. I think that's simplifying it, but a summary of what some parents do. This is much the same as decades ago. Some parents drastically change their lives for their adopted children. They will uproot and move to a diverse area of their state, city, etc. so their child will never 'feel' out of place. They make extra efforts for everything by reading every book, joining every group, etc., etc.
I would never say either is wrong. It's a parental choice on how or where to raise your children regardless of how they came to your family. But, I can't help but wonder sometimes are extremes, just too extreme? We can never know what the real personality of our children will be in their teen years and later when a lot of adoptees begin to vocalize that their parents didn't do enough for them,or possibly too much? How do we know that by going to extremes we're not making them any less unhappy...if that makes sense? Some adoptees I have spoken with are perfectly content with the way they grew up and it was no different, or very little, from my upbringing. I guess I tend to take a middle of the road approach. My three children are Korean-Americans, but I tell them they can be whatever they feel. If they want to say they're American, Korean-American or Korean, it's up to them and it may change through their life how they feel. We don't go to camps, but mostly because we can't afford to all go as a family and we usually do most things as a family. I am learning Korean, but for me...not them. It's my choice. I've told them that if they want to learn here and there I will teach them what I know, which is about their level anyways. We cook Korean because of them. At least that's what made me find the recipes and started it. Now, I cook it because I enjoy it like I do Mexican and Chinese. We do small traditional things too. We have Korean items, music and art in the house, but we will never be Korean. We love the culture and do what we can, but don't immerse in it. We can't. We don't have the ability and it's not feasible for many reasons. They will never be denied their birthland by us. It will always be important...of course, or we wouldn't be trying so hard to return to a country I have grown to love.
The other thing some a-parents do is dwell on our children's adoptedness. Everything our children do, then, is linked to them being adopted. Even simple, normal, phases of childhood get blamed on them being adopted. Sometimes it is because of being adopted...no doubt. Some children do have attachment problems. Some children do take longer to bond because of their previous broken bonds. But do we take this to extreme too?
I know I've changed a lot over the past 3 children. I knew a lot less with our first and progressively more, now. But, I've been guilty of blaming things on adoption. I, for instance, thought Jaemin wasn't sleeping through the night because he needed reassurance we were still here. I mean afterall, he wasn't ill or anything else all the time, so it had to be that. Since we started his Zantac 3 nights ago he's a completely different boy. He's always been my angel, but he's so happy now. He still gets up some, but quiets within seconds. I can't even get to his room before he finds his paci back and quiets. And he's now babbling sounds he's never said before. He feels so good and is SO happy. This whole time, it was this. Or it seems to be. So, it's easy when there's nothing visual, to just assume. Turns out he has bonded greatly, he just hurt.
So, while I do keep a watchful eye for attachment and all I know about it, I will try to decide and decipher whether it really may just be a childhood phase or something else, completely unrelated to adoption. There's never hurt in seeking professional help if an a-parent feels it could be attachment related, but the symptoms of attachment really mimic a lot of other things too. And, early on, when babies/children first come home we can't really expect that attachment checklist to be marked off in any particular amount of time. So they will cry and they will go through certain phases for weeks or months. That's normal AND okay. We, as adoptive parents, need to give them and ourselves some slack.
Lisa
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Heartburn, diarhea, indigestion...
No, not a Pepto commercial. and I'm pretty sure it's just a heartburn/indigestion sort of thing, but we're trying some Zantac on Jae. He has not slept well since his arrival. We chalked it up to him just needing reassurance we were there and came every time he cried for the past 9 months 1-5 times per night. We chalked it up to some times when he's been ill or teething and gave him pain reliever. I tried cosleeping and it seems to not be working. He wakes up next to me and cries.
Something is waking him up. I also talked to my mother-in-law, his daycare provider and asked if he seemed hungry right after finishing a meal. She said he signs 'more' to her too. We both know he can't still be hungry because he eats a lot at each sitting. While, eating a lot is not a typical sign of acid reflux, food may be calming his belly and therefore he wants more because he knows what will happen. Smart guy, huh?! I talked to the doc and he agreed that he may have it, so we gave it to him and already he went to bed better than he has the entire time he's been with us. He also didn't sign for 'more' this evening. That's a first. I guess after a couple of nights or so we should have a better idea if that's what's waking him up at night.
We shall see.
Lisa
Something is waking him up. I also talked to my mother-in-law, his daycare provider and asked if he seemed hungry right after finishing a meal. She said he signs 'more' to her too. We both know he can't still be hungry because he eats a lot at each sitting. While, eating a lot is not a typical sign of acid reflux, food may be calming his belly and therefore he wants more because he knows what will happen. Smart guy, huh?! I talked to the doc and he agreed that he may have it, so we gave it to him and already he went to bed better than he has the entire time he's been with us. He also didn't sign for 'more' this evening. That's a first. I guess after a couple of nights or so we should have a better idea if that's what's waking him up at night.
We shall see.
Lisa
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