In my dreams

 In my dreams I hope to see you. 

I ask you to visit me. 

Your hug feels real. 

Our conversations are real. 

These dreams make me happy.  

Last night I had that dream. I haven’t had one in awhile but you visited last night.  I woke up before 5 this morning and couldn’t really go back to sleep. I just kept thinking about the dream and you. You in your button up black shirt. I don’t know whatever happened to that shirt of yours.  You spoke to me like you had only been gone shortly. You said something about two weeks but I don’t understand what you meant. You said you weren’t dead. That was the word you used.  I asked for a hug and you hugged me.  I can still feel your hug tonight.  I told you through tears how much I loved you and told you that you would never really understand just how much I truly loved you.  

A mom tries to tell and show their children, in life, how much she loves them but they never truly understand the limitless love of a mother.  Limitless through their mistakes and disappointments and limitless through death.  I still love him. I always will.  These kids of mine mean the world to me. Every one of them special to me.  Everyone of them takes up a piece of my heart that will never heal with their absence. They ARE what made it whole when the youngest arrived 15 years ago. 

Hug your kids. Take photos with them. Take the videos to hear their voices. 

Pumpkin decor

 AND here are the annual grapevine pumpkins from Hobby Lobby.  I love these so much. They’re truly something that lasts from September until Christmas decorations is ready. I may have to replace the mums by then but these two are such pretty Fall decorations that are just Simply Fall

Fall pretties

 Finally.  I got rid of the old wooden bench that I got from a rummage sale 10 plus years ago. Replaced it with a nice heavy pot from Amazon and bought some mums that some local kids were selling as an FFA fundraiser. Bought a couple of smaller pots for the other two mums and got rid of all the fake stuff.  I have since added my Hobby Lobby pumpkins that I love putting out every year.  I will update with that. 

Sometimes we need to fall into a change. 

#ffamums #frontporchdecor #fallflowers

To my little boy

 You were my first hope for a good life.  When I was in first grade and my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I replied a nurse and a mom.  

When we lost our first baby at 22 weeks I was devastated.  I was questioning God daily.  I was struggling with faith and struggling with life.  I cleaned and curled into a ball to cry myself to sleep every night.  A couple months later we found out you were on the way.  After you were born we were told about your condition but I didn’t care.  Once the cardiologist confirmed you would live, I was happy.  

For 27 years we tried to protect you, teach you and keep you safe on this Earth with us.  Your last heart surgery was 10 years ago the week you died.   Even though it wasn’t your heart that actually caused you to leave we can’t help but think it had an impact on how you lived your life.  You were always very convinced you were on borrowed time.   You weren’t but I couldn’t convince you otherwise.  You enjoyed every second of your life.  You were an energetic boy that never stopped and a boy with a tolerance to pain more than any human can imagine.  You were extremely strong in every way. 

Now I’m trying to be strong and make you proud of me.  I would have done anything to keep you here.  My fight as a mother was always the strongest thing I had in me.  Daily, I’m working to let go of the would haves or should haves  the what ifs that have consumed me since you left.  I leave my dreams and my prayers and God to ensure you know just how much I love you and it’s so much more than you could ever have imagined.  If I had had the chance to hug you one more time I would never let go.  It would hurt because I would squeeze you so hard that you couldn’t breath.  And I would get to feel you hugging me, bending over the way you had to to reach me. 

6 months is nothing in the span of our lives but it’s been the impactful and painful 6 months of my 50 years of life.  6 months without you is something that even though I have  lived it it’s incomprehensible and seems like a long time now.  This feels like someone else’s life.  Others lose their children so I can keep the feeling less personal; not me.

I love you more than words.  More than anyone could even imagine.  I will love you until God brings me to you when my time here is done.  Until then I am here to give your brothers and sisters my all and love them the same.  It will be a little diluted from the piece of my soul that is missing.

And these videos I will treasure forever.  To see him move and his expression gives me just a second of feeling like he’s still with me.  And I feel him once again in my heart as if he’s here with me.

Changes….always

Doesn’t even begin to describe this year. 

Obviously these two changes were planned and expected.  The girls moved out about two weeks apart. One returning to school and one for the first time.  This meant I got to give their room a deep clean for when they came back. But finding these affirmation messages my younger daughter writes herself is sweet and uplifting.  

Maybe I need to sneak in their room more often just to read the messages for myself.  Between grief and menopause I’m literally a hot mess and am figuring the new me out.  The new me that has only one kid under college age but has his license so he will be more independent   The new me that doesn’t have the girls to watch chick flicks with and get fries and milkshakes.  The new me that’s going through more hormonal changes and body changes than when I was pregnant.  The new me that’s learning to live as a mom of 4 instead of 5 and live without THE ONE who made me a mom.  

I’m trying to focus on myself for really the first time but yet be a mom and learn who this person is.  The person that was died with her son 6 months ago.  

Be strong!  I’m trying!

It’s very quiet with just two boys at home again.  The girls have their lives and I’m letting them live it!

Big days

 

First was his and today he is driving. My last baby to get a license is scary and freeing all at the same time. How did this little boy that surprised us joining our family 15 years ago turn 16 already.  My heart is with his birth mother as she likely things about these two this week.  She would be proud!

And the next day this one had a golden birthday.  They were both, once, these sweet quiet little babies and now they’re making noise in the world.

Happy birthday to my youngest babies.

Had to try

 We replaced our preformed counters with ganache granite a few years ago. I never quite liked the dark beiges in between the beautiful hickory cabinets and the white ganache. The ganache has lots of black, gray and copper so it does have some of that in there but the travertine was just too dark and too yellow.  This morning I woke up and decided that since we had some paint mixed with primer lying around I would attempt a white wash.  I’m not completely sure how it will hold up but I guess we’ll see. Believe it or not I don’t wash the backsplash often so I feel optimistic.  

It’s meant to show through some so that it looks rustic. My house is mostly country rustic with a hint of modern here and there. That’s just what I like. 

Worst case this buys me time until we would get it fully replaced down the road. Nothing I dread more than when the house needs painted and the hardwood needs redone.