To my little boy

 You were my first hope for a good life.  When I was in first grade and my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I replied a nurse and a mom.  

When we lost our first baby at 22 weeks I was devastated.  I was questioning God daily.  I was struggling with faith and struggling with life.  I cleaned and curled into a ball to cry myself to sleep every night.  A couple months later we found out you were on the way.  After you were born we were told about your condition but I didn’t care.  Once the cardiologist confirmed you would live, I was happy.  

For 27 years we tried to protect you, teach you and keep you safe on this Earth with us.  Your last heart surgery was 10 years ago the week you died.   Even though it wasn’t your heart that actually caused you to leave we can’t help but think it had an impact on how you lived your life.  You were always very convinced you were on borrowed time.   You weren’t but I couldn’t convince you otherwise.  You enjoyed every second of your life.  You were an energetic boy that never stopped and a boy with a tolerance to pain more than any human can imagine.  You were extremely strong in every way. 

Now I’m trying to be strong and make you proud of me.  I would have done anything to keep you here.  My fight as a mother was always the strongest thing I had in me.  Daily, I’m working to let go of the would haves or should haves  the what ifs that have consumed me since you left.  I leave my dreams and my prayers and God to ensure you know just how much I love you and it’s so much more than you could ever have imagined.  If I had had the chance to hug you one more time I would never let go.  It would hurt because I would squeeze you so hard that you couldn’t breath.  And I would get to feel you hugging me, bending over the way you had to to reach me. 

6 months is nothing in the span of our lives but it’s been the impactful and painful 6 months of my 50 years of life.  6 months without you is something that even though I have  lived it it’s incomprehensible and seems like a long time now.  This feels like someone else’s life.  Others lose their children so I can keep the feeling less personal; not me.

I love you more than words.  More than anyone could even imagine.  I will love you until God brings me to you when my time here is done.  Until then I am here to give your brothers and sisters my all and love them the same.  It will be a little diluted from the piece of my soul that is missing.

And these videos I will treasure forever.  To see him move and his expression gives me just a second of feeling like he’s still with me.  And I feel him once again in my heart as if he’s here with me.