I've mentioned before that this is one of Chelsi's favorite songs. Here's her homemade video. :)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Add to Difference Post
So, I was thinking about my post regarding parenting differences. I also meant to touch on, but forgot just parenting the adopted child differently than past generations. There's always talk of both sides of the coin. We know better than previous generations of adoptive parents, due to education and experience through them than they did. But, we still can do better. I always agree a parent can do better. No doubt for any parent. We are not perfect, by all means.
But, I think sometimes we go overboard. There are a-parents that want their children to just mesh in and become Americans and that's that. I think that's simplifying it, but a summary of what some parents do. This is much the same as decades ago. Some parents drastically change their lives for their adopted children. They will uproot and move to a diverse area of their state, city, etc. so their child will never 'feel' out of place. They make extra efforts for everything by reading every book, joining every group, etc., etc.
I would never say either is wrong. It's a parental choice on how or where to raise your children regardless of how they came to your family. But, I can't help but wonder sometimes are extremes, just too extreme? We can never know what the real personality of our children will be in their teen years and later when a lot of adoptees begin to vocalize that their parents didn't do enough for them,or possibly too much? How do we know that by going to extremes we're not making them any less unhappy...if that makes sense? Some adoptees I have spoken with are perfectly content with the way they grew up and it was no different, or very little, from my upbringing. I guess I tend to take a middle of the road approach. My three children are Korean-Americans, but I tell them they can be whatever they feel. If they want to say they're American, Korean-American or Korean, it's up to them and it may change through their life how they feel. We don't go to camps, but mostly because we can't afford to all go as a family and we usually do most things as a family. I am learning Korean, but for me...not them. It's my choice. I've told them that if they want to learn here and there I will teach them what I know, which is about their level anyways. We cook Korean because of them. At least that's what made me find the recipes and started it. Now, I cook it because I enjoy it like I do Mexican and Chinese. We do small traditional things too. We have Korean items, music and art in the house, but we will never be Korean. We love the culture and do what we can, but don't immerse in it. We can't. We don't have the ability and it's not feasible for many reasons. They will never be denied their birthland by us. It will always be important...of course, or we wouldn't be trying so hard to return to a country I have grown to love.
The other thing some a-parents do is dwell on our children's adoptedness. Everything our children do, then, is linked to them being adopted. Even simple, normal, phases of childhood get blamed on them being adopted. Sometimes it is because of being adopted...no doubt. Some children do have attachment problems. Some children do take longer to bond because of their previous broken bonds. But do we take this to extreme too?
I know I've changed a lot over the past 3 children. I knew a lot less with our first and progressively more, now. But, I've been guilty of blaming things on adoption. I, for instance, thought Jaemin wasn't sleeping through the night because he needed reassurance we were still here. I mean afterall, he wasn't ill or anything else all the time, so it had to be that. Since we started his Zantac 3 nights ago he's a completely different boy. He's always been my angel, but he's so happy now. He still gets up some, but quiets within seconds. I can't even get to his room before he finds his paci back and quiets. And he's now babbling sounds he's never said before. He feels so good and is SO happy. This whole time, it was this. Or it seems to be. So, it's easy when there's nothing visual, to just assume. Turns out he has bonded greatly, he just hurt.
So, while I do keep a watchful eye for attachment and all I know about it, I will try to decide and decipher whether it really may just be a childhood phase or something else, completely unrelated to adoption. There's never hurt in seeking professional help if an a-parent feels it could be attachment related, but the symptoms of attachment really mimic a lot of other things too. And, early on, when babies/children first come home we can't really expect that attachment checklist to be marked off in any particular amount of time. So they will cry and they will go through certain phases for weeks or months. That's normal AND okay. We, as adoptive parents, need to give them and ourselves some slack.
Lisa
But, I think sometimes we go overboard. There are a-parents that want their children to just mesh in and become Americans and that's that. I think that's simplifying it, but a summary of what some parents do. This is much the same as decades ago. Some parents drastically change their lives for their adopted children. They will uproot and move to a diverse area of their state, city, etc. so their child will never 'feel' out of place. They make extra efforts for everything by reading every book, joining every group, etc., etc.
I would never say either is wrong. It's a parental choice on how or where to raise your children regardless of how they came to your family. But, I can't help but wonder sometimes are extremes, just too extreme? We can never know what the real personality of our children will be in their teen years and later when a lot of adoptees begin to vocalize that their parents didn't do enough for them,or possibly too much? How do we know that by going to extremes we're not making them any less unhappy...if that makes sense? Some adoptees I have spoken with are perfectly content with the way they grew up and it was no different, or very little, from my upbringing. I guess I tend to take a middle of the road approach. My three children are Korean-Americans, but I tell them they can be whatever they feel. If they want to say they're American, Korean-American or Korean, it's up to them and it may change through their life how they feel. We don't go to camps, but mostly because we can't afford to all go as a family and we usually do most things as a family. I am learning Korean, but for me...not them. It's my choice. I've told them that if they want to learn here and there I will teach them what I know, which is about their level anyways. We cook Korean because of them. At least that's what made me find the recipes and started it. Now, I cook it because I enjoy it like I do Mexican and Chinese. We do small traditional things too. We have Korean items, music and art in the house, but we will never be Korean. We love the culture and do what we can, but don't immerse in it. We can't. We don't have the ability and it's not feasible for many reasons. They will never be denied their birthland by us. It will always be important...of course, or we wouldn't be trying so hard to return to a country I have grown to love.
The other thing some a-parents do is dwell on our children's adoptedness. Everything our children do, then, is linked to them being adopted. Even simple, normal, phases of childhood get blamed on them being adopted. Sometimes it is because of being adopted...no doubt. Some children do have attachment problems. Some children do take longer to bond because of their previous broken bonds. But do we take this to extreme too?
I know I've changed a lot over the past 3 children. I knew a lot less with our first and progressively more, now. But, I've been guilty of blaming things on adoption. I, for instance, thought Jaemin wasn't sleeping through the night because he needed reassurance we were still here. I mean afterall, he wasn't ill or anything else all the time, so it had to be that. Since we started his Zantac 3 nights ago he's a completely different boy. He's always been my angel, but he's so happy now. He still gets up some, but quiets within seconds. I can't even get to his room before he finds his paci back and quiets. And he's now babbling sounds he's never said before. He feels so good and is SO happy. This whole time, it was this. Or it seems to be. So, it's easy when there's nothing visual, to just assume. Turns out he has bonded greatly, he just hurt.
So, while I do keep a watchful eye for attachment and all I know about it, I will try to decide and decipher whether it really may just be a childhood phase or something else, completely unrelated to adoption. There's never hurt in seeking professional help if an a-parent feels it could be attachment related, but the symptoms of attachment really mimic a lot of other things too. And, early on, when babies/children first come home we can't really expect that attachment checklist to be marked off in any particular amount of time. So they will cry and they will go through certain phases for weeks or months. That's normal AND okay. We, as adoptive parents, need to give them and ourselves some slack.
Lisa
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Heartburn, diarhea, indigestion...
No, not a Pepto commercial. and I'm pretty sure it's just a heartburn/indigestion sort of thing, but we're trying some Zantac on Jae. He has not slept well since his arrival. We chalked it up to him just needing reassurance we were there and came every time he cried for the past 9 months 1-5 times per night. We chalked it up to some times when he's been ill or teething and gave him pain reliever. I tried cosleeping and it seems to not be working. He wakes up next to me and cries.
Something is waking him up. I also talked to my mother-in-law, his daycare provider and asked if he seemed hungry right after finishing a meal. She said he signs 'more' to her too. We both know he can't still be hungry because he eats a lot at each sitting. While, eating a lot is not a typical sign of acid reflux, food may be calming his belly and therefore he wants more because he knows what will happen. Smart guy, huh?! I talked to the doc and he agreed that he may have it, so we gave it to him and already he went to bed better than he has the entire time he's been with us. He also didn't sign for 'more' this evening. That's a first. I guess after a couple of nights or so we should have a better idea if that's what's waking him up at night.
We shall see.
Lisa
Something is waking him up. I also talked to my mother-in-law, his daycare provider and asked if he seemed hungry right after finishing a meal. She said he signs 'more' to her too. We both know he can't still be hungry because he eats a lot at each sitting. While, eating a lot is not a typical sign of acid reflux, food may be calming his belly and therefore he wants more because he knows what will happen. Smart guy, huh?! I talked to the doc and he agreed that he may have it, so we gave it to him and already he went to bed better than he has the entire time he's been with us. He also didn't sign for 'more' this evening. That's a first. I guess after a couple of nights or so we should have a better idea if that's what's waking him up at night.
We shall see.
Lisa
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Are they really so different?
I mean biological children from adoptees?
I know a lot of adoptees do feel different from their siblings who are biological to their parents and I'm sure that same scenario can be vice versa too. But, a lot of the adoptees you hear from were adopted decades ago. So much has changed. Adoptive parent education has greatly changed and not to mention just the world itself. I know there's a vast difference between the world I grew up in and the world my sister grew up in. We are 1 decade apart and a lot of times it feels that we are a full generation apart. I truly believe there's a generational gap between her and I. It closes in as we get older, of course, it's there.
Our attorney was watching my kids interact with each other in the hallway while we were waiting to finalize Jaemin's adoption last month. She mentioned that a lot of siblings she sees together where some are biological and some are adopted, and close in age, don't interact the same. She asked if they're the same way at home. I said "of course, sometimes they fight and sometimes they don't, but which ones are doing what varies." She asked how we broached the topic of adoption long ago and I told her the thing when we first started the process 8 years ago the boys were only 5 and 2. While we included our oldest in the discussion nothing seemed out of order to them or any different than a baby coming home from the hospital. They never acted any different. And as she got older they began including her on both the fun and the fights. Progressively, each time we adopted, we included the older children on the decision. We are very open with our kids and told them the negatives such as; not as much money for vacations, stuff, etc. But, did they want another child to share their lives with? The answer has always been yes...without hesitation. Even when Jaemin's surprise call came they really never hesitated, even knowing that number 5 would make things even more difficult.
Are they really so different? We do treat them different on occasion. But, it's mostly in our reactions. Some of what we do different is based on what we've learned from previous parenting and getting older. Some of our different parenting is things like not letting people hold right away, holding them more often, doing things that would look like spoiling, but are really just trust building exercises. We experience more because of them....but that's not parenting. This is more of an expanded world for us, that is due to them. We are fortunate to have our eyes opened up to Korean cuisine and the beautiful culture. If I had a close friend or family member I think I would be the same way because I am curious by nature. Do we really treat them different? I think no. Even some of the stuff that I have learned from adoptive parenting are good things to do for any parent and since the world is evolving I've noticed nonadoptive parents doing some of these same things.
Will my children have issues because we adopted some of them? Maybe? Will my children have issues because we didn't go to Korea to get some of them? Maybe. But, I think a lot of that will be their personality. For now, I know that we do our best. We have open, honest discussions with them and I thoroughly encourage them to talk to me about anything. I hope they always do. I open discussions if it seems like the opportune time and close them when they're not at their level. I never lie though.
I hope my kids don't think they were any different to us, one day. I hope they realize they all mean the world to us. We could care less how any of them came into the world....we would move mountains to take care of them and protect them. I love watching them interact. You can see the bond between them all. Their bond is close. They do fight and often, but that's not unexpected considering their closeness in age and the fact that in a house this small you can't actually get away from anyone. For God sake I have to go to my closet for timeout. But, they're amazing, even at their worst. I'm glad they will always have each other. I'm glad that because of three of them we will have some experiences we would never have had without them...such as going to Korea. There's nothing better than memories with your family. And they are my family and Korea is part of me because it's part of them.
I think I actually ventured a lot...but in the end I just don't think they're really all that different. We do our best with all 5, regardless and by default of personality they are all 5 different and we do parent them 5 different ways.
Lisa
I know a lot of adoptees do feel different from their siblings who are biological to their parents and I'm sure that same scenario can be vice versa too. But, a lot of the adoptees you hear from were adopted decades ago. So much has changed. Adoptive parent education has greatly changed and not to mention just the world itself. I know there's a vast difference between the world I grew up in and the world my sister grew up in. We are 1 decade apart and a lot of times it feels that we are a full generation apart. I truly believe there's a generational gap between her and I. It closes in as we get older, of course, it's there.
Our attorney was watching my kids interact with each other in the hallway while we were waiting to finalize Jaemin's adoption last month. She mentioned that a lot of siblings she sees together where some are biological and some are adopted, and close in age, don't interact the same. She asked if they're the same way at home. I said "of course, sometimes they fight and sometimes they don't, but which ones are doing what varies." She asked how we broached the topic of adoption long ago and I told her the thing when we first started the process 8 years ago the boys were only 5 and 2. While we included our oldest in the discussion nothing seemed out of order to them or any different than a baby coming home from the hospital. They never acted any different. And as she got older they began including her on both the fun and the fights. Progressively, each time we adopted, we included the older children on the decision. We are very open with our kids and told them the negatives such as; not as much money for vacations, stuff, etc. But, did they want another child to share their lives with? The answer has always been yes...without hesitation. Even when Jaemin's surprise call came they really never hesitated, even knowing that number 5 would make things even more difficult.
Are they really so different? We do treat them different on occasion. But, it's mostly in our reactions. Some of what we do different is based on what we've learned from previous parenting and getting older. Some of our different parenting is things like not letting people hold right away, holding them more often, doing things that would look like spoiling, but are really just trust building exercises. We experience more because of them....but that's not parenting. This is more of an expanded world for us, that is due to them. We are fortunate to have our eyes opened up to Korean cuisine and the beautiful culture. If I had a close friend or family member I think I would be the same way because I am curious by nature. Do we really treat them different? I think no. Even some of the stuff that I have learned from adoptive parenting are good things to do for any parent and since the world is evolving I've noticed nonadoptive parents doing some of these same things.
Will my children have issues because we adopted some of them? Maybe? Will my children have issues because we didn't go to Korea to get some of them? Maybe. But, I think a lot of that will be their personality. For now, I know that we do our best. We have open, honest discussions with them and I thoroughly encourage them to talk to me about anything. I hope they always do. I open discussions if it seems like the opportune time and close them when they're not at their level. I never lie though.
I hope my kids don't think they were any different to us, one day. I hope they realize they all mean the world to us. We could care less how any of them came into the world....we would move mountains to take care of them and protect them. I love watching them interact. You can see the bond between them all. Their bond is close. They do fight and often, but that's not unexpected considering their closeness in age and the fact that in a house this small you can't actually get away from anyone. For God sake I have to go to my closet for timeout. But, they're amazing, even at their worst. I'm glad they will always have each other. I'm glad that because of three of them we will have some experiences we would never have had without them...such as going to Korea. There's nothing better than memories with your family. And they are my family and Korea is part of me because it's part of them.
I think I actually ventured a lot...but in the end I just don't think they're really all that different. We do our best with all 5, regardless and by default of personality they are all 5 different and we do parent them 5 different ways.
Lisa
Kids need to expend energy
It's a fact. Staying inside too much is not good for any kid AND they drive parents nuts when they do. So anytime it's tolerable and the kids want to go outside....we say "go for it!"
The snow has just melted and it's soggy as it can get out there, but thankfully we have quite a bit of concrete for them to stay on. Of course, they still manage to find mud, but can't help that. Today, the big boys drew a track on the driveway and they decided to ride their bikes. It's also finally warm enough for their daily jogs again. They used to do them everyday and it REALLY helped with their irritation level, and therefore ours. It's a quick jog, but it tires them enough they don't fight near as much. :)
The snow has just melted and it's soggy as it can get out there, but thankfully we have quite a bit of concrete for them to stay on. Of course, they still manage to find mud, but can't help that. Today, the big boys drew a track on the driveway and they decided to ride their bikes. It's also finally warm enough for their daily jogs again. They used to do them everyday and it REALLY helped with their irritation level, and therefore ours. It's a quick jog, but it tires them enough they don't fight near as much. :)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Save More, Live Better....Walmart
:)
Had to post the slogan. Chelsi loves to repeat it all the time. We are obviously there too often for everything!
I realize that the Walmarts of the world can be hurtful to the mom and pop shops of the world, but sometimes, especially for lower-middle class families like ourselves, they're a lifesaver! Kae and I just went to the vision center for eye exams today. Where else can you do all we did for $197 with no vision insurance. We can't afford family vision insurance. It would cost far too much over a year's time. But, with our health insurance allowing a $35 copay for the exam we're pretty set for self/private pay. For this money I got Brian's new frames and lenses, Kaelin's exam as well as my exam and lenses. That's really a good price for this! And, of course, I work this into a medical savings plan to save even more.
Brian's frames were in the $9 sets, so VERY cheap. His lenses were the $38 lenses they advertise....no frills, just plastic lenses with no glare protection since he only uses them at night after his contacts are out. Kaelin only needed the exam, but since she has an astigmatism and one eye is worse than the other she will need glasses within the next 2 years. We were well aware of this. They told us this 2 years ago that by the time she was 9 she'd be in glasses. Looks like she's still on target. She's already picked out some too cute frames for herself. She looks gorgeous in them, so no worries on her part. I had some old frames, so I just had them put my new lenses in them. My lenses were $35 more than Brian's, but because mine are for reading and computer use I need the glare. My astigmatism causes my eyes to get more tired and she said having that glare protection will help when they get tired. I asked if I could just get reading glasses, but one eye is quite a bit different than the other. It looked like the paper said 20/25 in one and 20/50 in the other. I have to say for what we paid, he was VERY thorough and VERY good with our daughter. He had a lot of patience with her constant moving and distractions.
Lisa
Had to post the slogan. Chelsi loves to repeat it all the time. We are obviously there too often for everything!
I realize that the Walmarts of the world can be hurtful to the mom and pop shops of the world, but sometimes, especially for lower-middle class families like ourselves, they're a lifesaver! Kae and I just went to the vision center for eye exams today. Where else can you do all we did for $197 with no vision insurance. We can't afford family vision insurance. It would cost far too much over a year's time. But, with our health insurance allowing a $35 copay for the exam we're pretty set for self/private pay. For this money I got Brian's new frames and lenses, Kaelin's exam as well as my exam and lenses. That's really a good price for this! And, of course, I work this into a medical savings plan to save even more.
Brian's frames were in the $9 sets, so VERY cheap. His lenses were the $38 lenses they advertise....no frills, just plastic lenses with no glare protection since he only uses them at night after his contacts are out. Kaelin only needed the exam, but since she has an astigmatism and one eye is worse than the other she will need glasses within the next 2 years. We were well aware of this. They told us this 2 years ago that by the time she was 9 she'd be in glasses. Looks like she's still on target. She's already picked out some too cute frames for herself. She looks gorgeous in them, so no worries on her part. I had some old frames, so I just had them put my new lenses in them. My lenses were $35 more than Brian's, but because mine are for reading and computer use I need the glare. My astigmatism causes my eyes to get more tired and she said having that glare protection will help when they get tired. I asked if I could just get reading glasses, but one eye is quite a bit different than the other. It looked like the paper said 20/25 in one and 20/50 in the other. I have to say for what we paid, he was VERY thorough and VERY good with our daughter. He had a lot of patience with her constant moving and distractions.
Lisa
Friday, January 15, 2010
Parenting No No
I'm doing a big parenting no no. So I may be complaining in a few years when I can't get my son out of my bed. But, for now it's just fine.
Yes, I've been partial cosleeping for the past few days. It seems to be helping Jaemin sleep better. If he sleep with me the first little bit of the night and goes to bed later he doesn't get up at night. If he sleeps in his bed all night he gets up 2-3 times. So I think, right now, it makes more sense to just let him sleep in our bed.
I think he wakes a little if he's in his bed and is continually hunting for us. If he's in our bed he can find me right away. He lies on me a lot of nights. The only nights that are hard are when he has a cold and he snores like a freight train. Yikes he's loud for a 1 year old.
I figure he's the baby, so if the last one cosleeps it doesn't feel like a big deal. Of course, Brian is convinced he may not be the last. :) He says I've said that 4 other times. :) Well, what can I say. God has laughed at us a lot! But, love having these kiddos....even if there are a lot more than we planned.
Lisa
Yes, I've been partial cosleeping for the past few days. It seems to be helping Jaemin sleep better. If he sleep with me the first little bit of the night and goes to bed later he doesn't get up at night. If he sleeps in his bed all night he gets up 2-3 times. So I think, right now, it makes more sense to just let him sleep in our bed.
I think he wakes a little if he's in his bed and is continually hunting for us. If he's in our bed he can find me right away. He lies on me a lot of nights. The only nights that are hard are when he has a cold and he snores like a freight train. Yikes he's loud for a 1 year old.
I figure he's the baby, so if the last one cosleeps it doesn't feel like a big deal. Of course, Brian is convinced he may not be the last. :) He says I've said that 4 other times. :) Well, what can I say. God has laughed at us a lot! But, love having these kiddos....even if there are a lot more than we planned.
Lisa
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