Changes….always

Doesn’t even begin to describe this year. 

Obviously these two changes were planned and expected.  The girls moved out about two weeks apart. One returning to school and one for the first time.  This meant I got to give their room a deep clean for when they came back. But finding these affirmation messages my younger daughter writes herself is sweet and uplifting.  

Maybe I need to sneak in their room more often just to read the messages for myself.  Between grief and menopause I’m literally a hot mess and am figuring the new me out.  The new me that has only one kid under college age but has his license so he will be more independent   The new me that doesn’t have the girls to watch chick flicks with and get fries and milkshakes.  The new me that’s going through more hormonal changes and body changes than when I was pregnant.  The new me that’s learning to live as a mom of 4 instead of 5 and live without THE ONE who made me a mom.  

I’m trying to focus on myself for really the first time but yet be a mom and learn who this person is.  The person that was died with her son 6 months ago.  

Be strong!  I’m trying!

It’s very quiet with just two boys at home again.  The girls have their lives and I’m letting them live it!

Big days

 

First was his and today he is driving. My last baby to get a license is scary and freeing all at the same time. How did this little boy that surprised us joining our family 15 years ago turn 16 already.  My heart is with his birth mother as she likely things about these two this week.  She would be proud!

And the next day this one had a golden birthday.  They were both, once, these sweet quiet little babies and now they’re making noise in the world.

Happy birthday to my youngest babies.

Had to try

 We replaced our preformed counters with ganache granite a few years ago. I never quite liked the dark beiges in between the beautiful hickory cabinets and the white ganache. The ganache has lots of black, gray and copper so it does have some of that in there but the travertine was just too dark and too yellow.  This morning I woke up and decided that since we had some paint mixed with primer lying around I would attempt a white wash.  I’m not completely sure how it will hold up but I guess we’ll see. Believe it or not I don’t wash the backsplash often so I feel optimistic.  

It’s meant to show through some so that it looks rustic. My house is mostly country rustic with a hint of modern here and there. That’s just what I like. 

Worst case this buys me time until we would get it fully replaced down the road. Nothing I dread more than when the house needs painted and the hardwood needs redone.  

Moving somewhere

 

Anywhere with anything.  

When you’re having a day, week, month or even a year (F•R•I•E•N•D•S) sometimes you just need something to move forward. I feel like in the past couple of weeks between menopause hormones and grief I have absolutely moved backwards. Back to daily crying, feeling lost, feeling impossibly incapable of everything except quiet and sadness. 

Today, I decided I wanted things to move forward. I got my project figured out at work. I made the calls I’d been putting off on my break.  And somehow in all of that I managed to get one thing done from start to finish. 

Moen has a lifetime guarantee so now that the ell drop has gone bad I wanted to get it fixed. Even the finish is guaranteed. The finish had come off in spots and was ending up with hard water minerals depositing leaving it looking awful every SINGLE time I showered.  The place in town had the parts and just provided them to us. 

We had a little trouble (maybe more) getting the old one off. It’s not unusable as it bent with the crescent wrench.  However we have the brand new piece in place and it looks great. They even gave us a new escutcheon plate that fits and looks nicer than the old one. 

It’s amazing how something so seemingly boring and trivial can take some anxiety from me. I’m an OCD person anyways and when I go through something traumatic that part of me gets worse after I go through the flight or fight part of it. That’s where I’m securely at. 

Wishes

 Do you ever just wish?

That you were truly loved the way you try to love others. 

That you were really seen and heard. 

That you didn’t feel so much pain that you have gone from being numb to feeling everything in you hurt; both mentally and physically. 

We all have wishes. I have so many. But these are my biggest and deepest. 

What the what?

 It was a good day starting out. 

Got up and cut hair for husband and oldest boy at home. When daughter #2 arrived home from college she and I got ready to run errands and shop for a minute.  Right before we left oldest boy at home had me look at his eye after something he was working on flew up and hit him in the eye.  I didn’t see anything so I just told him to go to the ER with his dad if he still had blurred vision after an hour.  

We got the call while we were out that they did have to go to the ER and was told he had a corneal laceration.  He has a follow up visit this week and was given antibiotics and pain meds. The pharmacy was going to be a bit and friends were coming over for fantasy draft so they came home and then I took the kid back in after the meds were filled.  Of course the meds said should be taken with food so we thought that was best and McDonald’s was across the street so we could just get it all done quickly. Did curbside and proceeded to try to leave except my battery was dead. 3 1/2 year old car so I’m not sure what was on to draw it down but it did.  Called hubby so he and his friends headed out to is so they could continue the drafting (hubby put boy#3 in charge of his draft) and rescue us. 

By the time we got home I was more than ready to eat and relax outside!

Hoping the boy’s vision and the car will be okay. Time will tell.