Showing posts with label Korean Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Korean Adoption. Show all posts

Sunday, May 9, 2010

What is culture for me?

I find myself thinking about this more often as the days go by.  I'm just American.  I mean, American in itself is a sort of culture, but not the rich culture I see in others.  Some American families still celebrate their German, Irish, Indian, Jewish, etc. cultures.  I am mostly German with a mix of Irish, American-Indian, Swedish, French, English, etc. thrown in.  We have never celebrated a culture in this family.  My dad's family came over from England in the 1600s and married into Irish, American-Indian, etc.  My mom's German family came over in the 1800s.  Even my great grandmother still spoke some German.  My husband's grandmother’s still speaks some German, but neither of our families do anything to celebrate cultural heritage.  We're all completely Americanized; our culture has become a meld of our own born cultures and a million others that were brought here.  

I struggle with this whole concept.  It seems so many other ethnicities have such strong ties to their culture.  I forget how much I admire, respect and am a little jealous of this until we go to Children's Day at a Korean church.  The closeness within the church community and how they include adoptive families is one of the most beautiful things to see.  Watching the youth and adults interact while reenacting Korean traditions such as drumming, dance, cooking, writing and hearing them all still speak the language is just so beautiful.  I know you will hear some Americans complain when they hear someone speaking another language.  I've overheard Americans complain plenty.  But, these people speak, mostly, perfect English too.  Most are Americans too (which I think is sometimes forgotten or not acknowledged) but, they're able to conserve their children's Korean heritage and culture and keep it alive.  That's what I wish we had; a culture to keep alive.  So, while we cannot bring our children up with Korean culture because we're not Korean and fully capable of doing so I wish we could bring more of the culture into our family because it's the culture I do feel closest to.  I adore the values they have in their own society and how they are so wonderful with each other's children as well as their own.  You know the saying 'it takes a village'.  They are a wonderful village.  They represent what we used to be before our generations began changing to a me/selfish society of the wants and have nots.

I only wish we had a Korean community here so we could be more of a part of it.  Partially for my 3 youngest, but really all 7 of us could benefit.  I would love for all 5 of my children to be raised the way these kids are.  Korean culture, along with many others, are just so beautiful.  It's the way the elders are treated, preservation of what's important today and yesterday and always a sense of belonging.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Calling all working moms with a large family through adoption

I am surely not alone in being a mom who works outside the home and has 5 children.  I know this isn't gigantic by measures of the Duggars or Gosslins, but I also don't get paid to have a show.  I work because I have to pay for insurance 1/2 of our bills.  I work to show our kids life isn't easy and doesn't just drop in your lap.  I work, because that's life and life isn't always a choice.  Unless I choose to not work and go on assistance...not a choice or a good example to my kids anyways.

So, if you're a mom that works outside the home and has a larger family I want to hear from you.  I've been blog searching for months and have yet to find another one, but I know we can't be alone.   Pipe in ladies!

Lisa

Thursday, April 29, 2010

To push or not to push?

Pushing adoption and culture? Is this right or wrong? I don't think it's necessary right or wrong, but maybe better moderation. Just my personal opinion, though. I'm not really one to push things on any of my kids, adopted or not. I do push values and family togetherness. I do encourage them to respect their family (each other) and learn lessons to be good individuals. Past that...their interests...I don't push. When they find something that suits their interest, that's when I 'encourage'.

So far, the 4 oldest are involved in extra curriculars. I have never pushed a sport or activity. I do open up the option, if it's a viable option for our family. So basically, we encourage the kids to try things. If they don't like them, they have to finish out the season or session and then they can try something new. So far this has worked to their advantage trying to find what they enjoy. For one boy, it's basketball or football. For another boy, it's football or baseball. For one girl, it's all soccer. For another girl, it's gymnastics. The older boys have tried what they were interested in and narrowed it down. The girls are doing the same thing. It's neat to watch them find their niche.

So some adoptive parents choose to push their adopted children into cultural activities and talk about their adoptions on a daily basis. Is this hard on kids? I don't know. I think for some, it's their way of ensuring that they are not taking on the roles past generations of adoptive parents did and ignore international and adoption culture.

I choose to take the middle road with this as we have with activities. We do what we can. We do what we're interested in doing as a family. We all like Korean food, so we do cook Korean on a regular basis. We do get together with our international group for Korean holidays to celebrate. But, we can never emulate true Korean culture because we are not Korean.

I tend to take the middle road on adoption culture too. We don't make it everyday conversation with our kids. They know they're adopted. We do talk about adoption when a situation arises that sounds like a good time to broach a subject and when the kids bring up a question themselves. They are very aware that we are open to answering what we can. And they do feel free to ask. I'm glad they do that.

So, one parent's success by pushing adoption and international culture may not be how we find our family success. Our family enjoys the moderation of the meld we have in our biological/adoptive family mix. We, like our children, just try to find happy mediums so we can be family, but not dismiss what may be important to all of our five kids. They each have their own needs and wants and I would support them whether they're directly related to adoption or not. For instance, my 7 year old told me last night that she would like to live in Korea, one day, for a little bit. I told her that when she's in college she can apply for a scholarship to go to Korea or after college she can find a temporary job and live there for a year and see what she thinks. She's excited about this prospect and since she wants to be a teacher I think it would be a wonderful opportunity for her. I don't support her because it's her birth country and culture, I support her because she's my child, it's an honorable goal in life and a wonderful opportunity for anyone. I would support our two older, biological, children the same way. I guess, I just can't imagine consuming my or their lives with just one thing, be it sports, or adoption. I don't want them blaming every bad thing in their lives with adoption either. I just hope they see it as a way they entered our family. That doesn't mean I ignore that it happened, but it doesn't make them 100% of who they are.

My point is that adoptive parents don't have to try to cut each other down constantly and critize each other because it's not a one size fits all life. We all have our lives to live and we do the best we can with the life we're given. If that's what my children take from me, then I'll be thrilled.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Pleading for the case of sibling adoption in Korea

Another family has received the call for a sibling adoption in Korea.  This family, however, is aging out or has just aged out of the program.  The US agency is unsure if the ministry in Korea will grant this family a waiver for adoption of their child's sibling, so they asked them to find other sibling adoptive families to write on their behalf with our experiences.  I know that I'm kind of a wordy person, so I intentionally tried to keep it short to make my point and hopefully it worked.  We were more than happy to help this family though.  I can't imagine this being the 'something' in the way of these children joining each other.

Here is what I wrote:

"Members of the Korean Ministry:

We are an adoptive family in the United States to three Korean-born children; 5 children total.  In 2009, we were blessed to be able to adopt the brother to one of our Korean-born daughters.  I don’t think I could begin to stress enough how fortunate we feel to have this little boy in our lives and in the life of his biological sister.

JeeYung arrived to us in the United States in March 2006 and we received Jaemin in Korea in May 2009.  Whether adopted domestically or internationally adoptees lose biological ties via adoption.  Most of us take the things that go along with these ties for granted.  Our daughter and son may never know their Korean birth families, but they have something most adoptees do not have the luxury of.  Our son and daughter know their biological sibling and get to be raised together with a family who loves them dearly.  All five of our children are, no doubt, 100% siblings, but one day these two will have a link to the past and will be bonded through it.

We love Korea for the importance it has always seemed to place on this biological tie in adoption.  Keeping siblings together is an amazing gift that I can’t imagine any adoptee not being thankful for.  Jee Yung is only 4 years old, but she is very proud to know that her brother is here with her and she tells us this.  She loves her brother with everything she has.

I only speak for our family in saying that while JeeYung got her brother Jaemin; we all gained this beautiful little boy as well and will forever be grateful for our gift.  Please continue to place importance on this and embrace the positives that will forever be in the lives of these children if it is at all possible to take place.

Thank you."

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Gotcha Days All Around

Friday was Kaelin's Gotcha Day (aka the day she came to us).  Monday is Chelsi's Gotcha Day.  These two days in March make March what it is....great...even when it's not so great.  Usually, I find myself thinking about certain days, regardless of where I am, physically, that particular day.  I find myself reminiscing about their calls on March 15 and March 17th, respectively.  Or should I say Kaelin's email travel call, because I was on the internet whining about my baby coming home and they couldn't reach me.  This was back in the day of no DSL you know. 

Kaelin has now been home with us for 7 years and Chelsi will be with us 4 years tomorrow.  Ahhh...what would our lives be like without them.  Definitely, not as stressful, but mostly, not as rich, wonderful, entertaining, beautiful and special.  We gained a special love from them and they gave us this gift.  They were our gift.

We love you girls!

Love mom and dad.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Tiny hands rubbing your arms

This is what I get.

I've had kind of a crappy day today.  Nothing specific just not such a great day at work and rough evening at home.  I was finally sitting down after all the kids went to bed and was just reading when Jaemin woke up.  Just a couple of small whimpers.  I crawled in his toddler bed with him and just laid beside him.  He always strokes my arms when I lay in his bed or he lays in mine.  He rubbed my back this morning.  I love that I can just lay with him and make him feel better.

It was in no way his birth mother's purpose in life or reason for her pain to make me a mother to a 5th child.  It just happened out of free will.  But, of this I am thankful to have him in my life forever.  He is so amazing and I love him more and more each day if that's possible.  I love everything about him and I love just laying there with him breathing on my face. 

He is always going to be my unexpected gift.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Ha haaaa!

Just two days after saying I didn't have Jaemin's Certificate of Citizenship in-hand, the mail man brought it to me today.  We're DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOHHHOOOO!

Lisa


Thursday, February 25, 2010

The fastest adoption from absolute start to absolute finish, in history

I honestly can't imagine that there is an international adoption that's gone any fast than ours has.  It's seriously wild to think about.  Literally, from the second we found out we were adopting (sibling referral call) all the way to Certificate of Citizenship (the absolute last thing you should get) was just under 1 year.

3/12/09 - Our surprise, shocking call that our daughter had a baby brother born just under 6 months earlier.
3/16/09 - Made the decision to proceed after much praying and financial planning.
3/17/09 - Finally found out his name and basic information.
3/24/09 - Mailed application to US agency.
3/29/09 - First home study visit.
4/06/09 - Official referral received and saw his picture.
4/13/09 - Rushed and got our acceptance completed and sent to Korea.
4/15/09 - Legals arrived in the US.
4/17/09 - Filing for I600 (immigration petition and fingerprinting).
4/20/09 - I600 approved.
4/27/09 - Approval arrived at the National Visa Center in the US.
4/29/09 - Approval sent by NVC to Korean embassy in Seoul.
5/07/09 - Visa info packet sent from Korean embassy to Korean agency.
5/22/09 - Travel call!!!
5/23/09 - The girls and I left for Korea with Lois (my friend from work).
5/28/09 - Received Jaemin in Seoul.
5/29/09 - Arrived back in the US and became an family of 7.
6/2009 - First post placement visit.
8/2009 - Second post placement visit.
10/2009 - Third post placement visit.
12/22/2009 - Finalized adoption in US county court.
01/2010 - Applied for Certificate of Citizenship
02/19/2010 - Certificate of Citizenship approved.

The certificate is, as of right now, on it's way to our house!!!  We are completely and ever lovin' done with paperwork!!!!!!  Wahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Add to Difference Post

So, I was thinking about my post regarding parenting differences.  I also meant to touch on, but forgot just parenting the adopted child differently than past generations.  There's always talk of both sides of the coin.  We know better than previous generations of adoptive parents, due to education and experience through them than they did.  But, we still can do better.  I always agree a parent can do better.  No doubt for any parent.  We are not perfect, by all means.

But, I think sometimes we go overboard.  There are a-parents that want their children to just mesh in and become Americans and that's that.  I think that's simplifying it, but a summary of what some parents do.  This is much the same as decades ago.  Some parents drastically change their lives for their adopted children.  They will uproot and move to a diverse area of their state, city, etc. so their child will never 'feel' out of place.  They make extra efforts for everything by reading every book, joining every group, etc., etc.

I would never say either is wrong.  It's a parental choice on how or where to raise your children regardless of how they came to your family.  But, I can't help but wonder sometimes are extremes, just too extreme?  We can never know what the real personality of our children will be in their teen years and later when a lot of adoptees begin to vocalize that their parents didn't do enough for them,or possibly too much?  How do we know that by going to extremes we're not making them any less unhappy...if that makes sense?  Some adoptees I have spoken with are perfectly content with the way they grew up and it was no different, or very little, from my upbringing.  I guess I tend to take a middle of the road approach.  My three children are Korean-Americans, but I tell them they can be whatever they feel.  If they want to say they're American, Korean-American or Korean, it's up to them and it may change through their life how they feel.  We don't go to camps, but mostly because we can't afford to all go as a family and we usually do most things as a family.  I am learning Korean, but for me...not them.  It's my choice.  I've told them that if they want to learn here and there I will teach them what I know, which is about their level anyways.  We cook Korean because of them.  At least that's what made me find the recipes and started it.  Now, I cook it because I enjoy it like I do Mexican and Chinese.  We do small traditional things too.  We have Korean items, music and art in the house, but we will never be Korean.  We love the culture and do what we can, but don't immerse in it.  We can't.  We don't have the ability and it's not feasible for many reasons.  They will never be denied their birthland by us.  It will always be important...of course, or we wouldn't be trying so hard to return to a country I have grown to love.

The other thing some a-parents do is dwell on our children's adoptedness.  Everything our children do, then, is linked to them being adopted.  Even simple, normal, phases of childhood get blamed on them being adopted.  Sometimes it is because of being adopted...no doubt.  Some children do have attachment problems.  Some children do take longer to bond because of their previous broken bonds.  But do we take this to extreme too?

I know I've changed a lot over the past 3 children.  I knew a lot less with our first and progressively more, now.  But, I've been guilty of blaming things on adoption.  I, for instance, thought Jaemin wasn't sleeping through the night because he needed reassurance we were still here.  I mean afterall, he wasn't ill or anything else all the time, so it had to be that.  Since we started his Zantac 3 nights ago he's a completely different boy.  He's always been my angel, but he's so happy now.  He still gets up some, but quiets within seconds.  I can't even get to his room before he finds his paci back and quiets.  And he's now babbling sounds he's never said before.  He feels so good and is SO happy.  This whole time, it was this.  Or it seems to be.  So, it's easy when there's nothing visual, to just assume.  Turns out he has bonded greatly, he just hurt.

So, while I do keep a watchful eye for attachment and all I know about it, I will try to decide and decipher whether it really may just be a childhood phase or something else, completely unrelated to adoption.   There's never hurt in seeking professional help if an a-parent feels it could be attachment related, but the symptoms of attachment really mimic a lot of other things too.  And, early on, when babies/children first come home we can't really expect that attachment checklist to be marked off in any particular amount of time.  So they will cry and they will go through certain phases for weeks or months.  That's normal AND okay.  We, as adoptive parents, need to give them and ourselves some slack.

Lisa


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Social Security Card Name Change....check!

Finally.  After poor Brian had to go there 3 times he finally got them to do it.  Apparently, only one person in that office knows what actual documentation is required to change the name of an internationally adopted child on their social security card.  Catch is, she doesn't work the window and those people don't have a clue!

So for anyone out there reading this.  All you need is your adoption decree and your child's foreign passport with visa to show they're still a permanent resident status.  If you have a US passport or Certificate of Citizenship for them you can show that and get their status changed to US Citizen, but we've just sent off the N600 with his green card today to get the Certificate of Citizenship and that takes time.  What I found out is that if your child's visa has I551 on it, it also serves as proof of permanent resident status.

So on the 3rd trip there with the same exact documentation as the other 2 and one phone call from me they did it.   They really need to train the folks sitting at the window in that office.

One more trip after we get his Certificate of Citizenship and we don't have to do this for our children again...because no, we're having no more children.  :)

Sometimes, I really wonder how many hundreds of papers we've filled out for these 3 adoptions and how much time we've spent doing it and crossing our ts and dotting our is.  It's massive, I know it.

Lisa


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Checking off our adoption list/Baby Update for Christmas Illness

Adoption decree....done.....this makes Jaemin a US citizen, officially and legally our son, and changes his name (which we opted to keep his Korean name as his first name)

Birth certificate.....done.....Brian went with the adoption decree and picked up the birth certificate today.

Next, we'll go to SSA and get a new social security card in his new name (with our last name), so it will match on taxes.  And after we get our tax refund in 2010 I'll have the extra $500 to pay for the Certificate of Citizenship.  Yeah, that's a lot of money, but in order for them (the government) to officially change his status from legal resident to US citizen we do this.  It's better to cross all your t's and dot your i's while they're little and it's easy then when they are older and you have regrets for not completing everything possible.  After this we are completely done with every piece of paperwork possible!

I now have 5 little US issued birth certificates which will allow all of my children almost all of the same rights.  I won't even go into the ones our Korean-borns won't have 'cause it's kind of a sore point with most adoptive parents of internationally born children.

And, btw, my little man is still sick.  Not much on Christmas Eve I believe.  He's still got a slight temp and is a little crabby.  He mostly just wants mommy, so I literally sit for hours just holding him.  And he is sleeping in his toddler bed like such a big boys!  Now that he's in there he realized it's not so bad because before he goes to sleep mommy can crawl in with him and lay by him.  He does like that.  He just rubs my face and arm while I lay by him.  So SWEET!

Can you believe this is the same little guy who completely rejected me just a few months ago.  He's trusting us now.  That's a lot.

Lisa


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Wahooo!!! It's forever and official!

He's ours forever and ever.  I'm so glad to be done.  Only the certificate of citizenship to go, but I can do that at my leisure this Spring.  I'm just so happy that he's officially Jaemin William Park *******.  The judge and attorneys signed Jaemin's Happy Adoption Day book like they did with the girls too.  That was great.  She said we're still the only ones to ever have brought that book in for this.  She liked the idea.

He seemed to almost know what was going on all morning.  He's been all smiles all day.  Just happy with everything including the car ride, which is not normally him.  I could just look at him and he would smile real big for me.  When they say he's our responsibility forever now it just fills me with happiness because if we're responsible for him then he IS ours and we just love him so much!

What a happy day!  What a blessed mother I AM!!!!!!!!!






On the way to eat after court.





On the way home from everything.  Our newest American citizen was tired and so was big sis'.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

The good and the bad of the day....

Bad news first because it's fairly short.  We got new puppies almost 2 weeks ago.  One was a little awkward when walking and we kind of wondered if there wasn't something neurologically wrong.  He seemed really weak.  Anyways, yesterday the boys found him dead in his house.  The other puppy is much bigger and was always fine.  But, suddenly late last night he started vomiting and diarrhea and could barely walk.  Looked like the symptoms of parvo.  By 4 am he was gone too.  They must have come to us with it already.  It's so sad as the boys take that kind of loss pretty hard.  They were the cutest little beagle pups too.

The good news, or should I say memory, for today is that today is 4 years since we found out about Miss Chelsi.  We didn't see her picture for another day, but just the little we knew about her we knew she was ours and we wanted her.  I cannot believe that has been 4 years.  She's a perfect little girl and we had an amazing Christmas that year.  It was the first time ever that we could say we were having a baby at Christmas and mom put her picture on the fridge for Christmas Day for everyone to see.  So she was introduced to the entire family on Christmas Day 4 years ago too.  What a great year that was and what a great girl she is!  Love you Chels.

Mom


Monday, December 7, 2009

What a nice day for mommy and son

Our attorney called me at work and gave us a court date to finalize J.  So, right before Christmas we should have him a legal member of our family.  While, some would argue that he was already a member of our family when we met, it's true.  But, there is an indescribable feeling you get when someone who is appointed to uphold the law prounounces you legally your child's family with all the rights and privileges that come along with it.  Just hearing them say that we must agree " to love him as our own", etc., etc. is a very emotional moment.  I have never gotten teary when my 3 youngest arrived.  But, put me in that court room I get teary eyed every time the judge has set the gavel down with this decision.  I love finalization day and it IS important to me.

Tonight, J wouldn't let me out of his sight for some reason.  Maybe he knew and sensed how happy mommy was feeling because of that call?  I put him on my back, in the Ergo, so I could do dishes and he was as content as can be.  He usually wants Cole to come get him and take him downstairs to play, but this time he was content with mommy.

Later we were sitting around and I asked him if he wanted his socks on and he very clearly said "uh uh" and shook his whole body no.  I asked him another question that I knew he would say yes to and he very purposefully nodded yes.  Every time I asked him if he wanted socks on he would shake his whole body.  So much so, that I had to video it because it was so cute and definitely something I always want to remember.

How could I possibly have been blessed so much to have this child in my life and having the amazing and awesome privilege of being his mother.

Lisa


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Some archived photos from Korea

I've had these photos saved since we left Korea.  I had hoped to find their families and I did find two of them.  So, I thought I'd go ahead and put the pictures of the girls and I visiting the babies at the Holt Reception Center in May.  These babies either didn't have foster families yet or were waiting for their families and living their during their entire wait.  These babies are well loved and there was no doubt how well taken care of they were by the house mothers.



The little guy here has been waiting for quite some time.













The babies below were under 5 months old.  The younger ones are in a whole separate room.





I held this little girl, below, for quite a while.  She REALLY loved being held.








Saturday, October 24, 2009

We're calling it OFFICIAL!

Since, I accidentally caught J taking more than 2 steps on camera we're pronouncing this the day J first walked!  He took several steps towards C after he pulled himself up onto the couch!

Go J!!

JaeWalk102409


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I'm completely Korea sick!

I miss it so much some days.  It was such a wonderful trip and while J was the highlight it would have been awesome even if it were just a visit.  I was reading this adoptee blog http://www.michellesherwood.blogspot.com/ the other day and she video'd her hotel room.  It's the same hotel we stayed in.  I could tell by the room and the view.  I remember walking that street everyday!  I felt so Korea sick after seeing that video.

If only we could go to Korea more often or spend a longer time there.  There's so much more to explore and experience.  If there were an opportunity to spend an entire year there I'd do it in a second, if our whole family could go.  But, I'll pray for visits there and gladly accept them.

I live vicariously through others' visits to Korea, but sometimes just feel too sad to read about their adventures because I miss it so much.  I miss the people, the smells (some anyways), the subways, the culture, everything!

Can't wait to go back and praying we actually save enough to go.......sooner the better!

Lisa


Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sibling calls and the intricacies of

I've been "chatting" with a mom who received a sibling call a month or so ago.  It's amazing how much you truly do not understand until you've been in this situation.  This particular family was unable to accept.  I believe for financial, which I can truly appreciate.  She's been trying to find out if the baby's referred family will know the baby is a sibling to their child so they can have "some" sort of contact.  She said the agency (I don't know who) is not helping at all.  The agency only let the family have a week to make their decision, is acting like they're unable to help put them in touch with the other family, etc.  She's going to try to write a letter and forward it to the family through the agency, but is unsure it will do any good.

To me this is so terribly sad.  You truly get very little information with these calls.  They're very vague.  The fact that their agency couldn't give them a little more time is just wrong.  I've seen other family's have time to begin fundraising before giving a definitive answer on siblings.  The other problem she and I discussed is how the agencies don't seem to understand that it's just not as simple as a yes or no answer.  Money is an enormous factor.  It's very different purposely walking into an adoption process and having one sprung on you in a matter of a week and before you know it you're knee deep in papers again.  I truly wish their were grants for families like ours and these others.  I would like to start one, but don't have a clue where or how to begin.  I hate that other families are in this situation similar to ours and have to decline purely for this reason.

I mean how many people can suddenly with one week's thought decide to have another child?  In one week, the family has to consider the dynamics of their family, the money they will have to get through a loan to pay for the adoption, and simply adding a child in a VERY short amount of time that they had not planned.  I get the argument that it's the same as suddenly becoming pregnant...yes and no.  You do already feel this could be your child, but you did nothing to put out the possibility of having another child.  And in most cases you do NOT get 9 months to prepare.  We had 2 months!

I hope the agencies do more to support families during this time, if it approaches.  I was aware it could happen , but it's just different actually being there.  Thinking you know what you'd do and proceeding are two very distinct things.  Is it wrong to accept...NO.  Is it wrong to decline the referral....NO!  These families have to do what's best for them at the time.  The thing is, how do you know what's best for your family in 1 week!  I hope agencies realize they need to give families more time.  I don't think they're all this way, but I do think/know some are.  Can they try to support these families just a little more.  Realize the magnitude of the situation and feel for them as people?

I'm absolutely not speaking of our situation.  We had heard from other families the time period to decision is pretty short, but they really didn't give us a timeline.  We decided fairly quickly, within a week, but we were fortunate.  Not everyone's situation is as clear and easy to make that decision.  Our agencies were great.  While I would have liked to have worked more closely with our homestudy agency since we were familiar with them, etc., we didn't get the choice.  You are at the mercy of whichever Korean agency the birth mother places at and then whichever US agency the Korean agency releases them to.  It's not necessarily convenient.

So some of the reasons we chose to accept instead of decline; we tried to put money aside first, so we would not get stuck on that.  That either is or isn't.  Did we feel ready and could we do everything else for this little man?  We first went to Brian's mom since she provides daycare to make sure she had room in daycare for him.  That was one thing we felt strongly about so he would have an easier transition by being with his sister and around a caregiver he would see at other times other than daycare days.  After that was taken care of we had spoke with each other already, but then we talked to all the parents (grandparents) to get their input.  We eventually realized they weren't for or against it.  They were for whatever we could make work.  But, we did feel some reluctance in all of their attitudes and voices.  But, we realized that was probably for fear for us.  They knew this was big.  We finally gave a small version of the story to the kids because unless they were for it we would not pursue.  We did not want them to feel slighted in anyway.  Last, I needed to talk to someone who was not a close friend or family member.  I needed someone slightly removed to help me think about it.  I spoke to our priest and he was wonderful.  I talked to him about my fears and concerns.  He told me some stories and talked to me for a bit and then I left after we decided to watch for God's signs for the most important concerns/fears I had.  Brian and I discussed the money part and decided we did not have enough, nor did we have the option of a personal loan again.  A couple of days, after the weekend was over, I had thought of an idea about how we could make our home loan work for us by refinancing for a lower rate and we were given a small gift.  Refinancing worked out perfectly.  It was exactly what we needed to feel "safe" with it.  That and another concern were relieved and we were ready.  We felt we were being led very directly and must proceed.

Other families do not get this choice.  They don't get the answers they're looking for.  Things don't fall into place and they don't feel at peace immediately when they have to say no.  They anguish.  We anguished.  It an enormous decision.  I woke up the very first night we found out about J to go to the bathroom and thought "oh this didn't really happen" and then I realized it did and I just felt sick.  It's that big of a decision.  I didn't feel sick because I didn't want him.  I felt sick because I was so unsure what to do and did want him and was afraid we'd have to say no.  I cried a lot.  We talked so much those days. We talked about what happens if we do and what happens if we don't.  In the end, Korea wasn't sure if J would even be adopted into the US, but may remain for adoption in Korea.  That worried us that he would never be told he has a sister and they would never ever know each other.  Then we realized that our biggest regrets in life would be not having him here with us.  We would never regret having him in our lives.  That, in the end, won over everything.

So, if you're reading this and thinking you would absolutely say yes, no matter what.  Great.  But, you may find your answer surprising.  It's fine what anyone's personal decision is on this as long as we remember it's to each their own.  You cannot condemn or think low of someone who cannot accept and is not in that lucky situation.  And I do pray that those who cannot are not in this situation.  It's hard enough if you can, in the end.

Lisa


Sunday, October 4, 2009

Happy Chuseok!

This weekend was Chuseok (Harvest Moon/Thanksgiving).  It's a major holiday weekend in most, if not all, Asian countries.  We celebrated by going on a hayride with other local adoptive families.  The kids roasted some hot dogs and marshmallows and then we went on the hayride.  It was a VERY long ride and the kids loved it!  Our two littlest fell asleep on me.  Ks freind M, from school, was there and they loved getting to be together an extra day.

I baked some sesame seed cookies or ggae gwa ja.  They were yummy.  I doubled the batch so we'd have extra at home.  :)

Happy Chuseok to those celebrating this weekend.

Lisa


Thursday, October 1, 2009

Complete family/Life Happiness?

When does life stop surprising you?  In my mid 30s and 5 kids you would think certain things would no longer surprise me.  I don't know what I expected with J.  Did I expect because we didn't plan for him and he was so unexpected I wouldn't love him the same?  I don't think so.  I don't think I really even thought about it one way or another or had any expectations for my feelings.  It just seems that everyday that goes by I feel more love and such intense love for Jaemin and it surprises me a bit.  I'm not really sure why except that it's just so intense in the connection and that connection feels so special with my little man.

I could literally sit there and stare at him.  I'm in such awe at how precious he is and how gorgeous (I mean really gorgeous) he is.  I always said we were done after Chelsi.  I mean we had only planned for 2, maybe 3, kids.  I guess after Chelsi it just kind of felt like we "should" be done.  We had 4 kids and it was busy and it really isn't that "normal" to even have 4, let alone 5.  So we thought we were done and then J just shocked us all right into our lives.  And now I feel something I've never felt in our 15 years of marriage.  I feel VERY complete.   Truly complete.  This little man that we never intended to have closed the door and made my heart feel very full.  I'd always thought it was bs when people said they knew they were done and complete.  I can see if you just knew, from the start, what you were going to have from the start, but people like me that said so many and slowly exceeded that.  How did they really know they were every done?  Now I know and understand.  I think a part of me didn't really let go of the total idea of another.  I think a part of me knew there was still something missing.  But, logically, it just didn't make sense to want another child.

We thought we were done and in a non-purposeful way we left it to the Lord.  His birth mother was not put in this pain for my joy.  I don't believe that for a second.  She had another child, was unable to raise him, asked for him to be placed with his sibling and we were fortunate to be that family.  It was just human choice and circumstance that brought him into this world, but I believe at that point he was meant to be with us and his sister.  For this, I pray that his birth mother reads the letters we send, one day, and knows that he's with her as she wanted.  I hope this gives his birth mother peace as she deserves for her selfless gift.

After the loss of a friend and her son (whom we went through our first, her only, processes together), I'm trying very hard to not get so upset about such small things.  Settle down and look at the big picture. It's sometimes easier said than done, but for some reason the loss of these two people gave me that insight that I truly needed.  And on top of feeling complete with my sweetness in my life I'm trying to find my bliss in the simpleness of life and what the Lord intended and attempting to not get caught up in drama and little unimportant things that the Lord looks down on.

Thank you Liz and Seth for that.  I have faith you two are together as mommy and son and you will forever be guardingels to your husband/father.

Lisa