I live

 here a lot of days. 

It’s a bizarre place to be. I’m happy and living life and then think of him. I try to block out the sad thoughts so I don’t make others sad around me. I try to push through the crowd of sorrow that swells in my head.  And then the dam breaks. I can no longer hold any of it back. It pours out like a gate opened and the water crashes into a valley that’s been dry. 

I am well aware I can’t escape my grief.  I just haven’t quite figure out how to control some of it. There’s no good timing for it. I should live in my moments with my family but feeling his absence is sometimes just too much….too hard. Everything I do is behind hidden tears.  Tears I cry by myself. Away from everyone   I don’t want everyone to know or see how often or how much it still happens.  I know it’s okay. It doesn’t make it easier. Part of the process is learning I guess. 

Little chill day

We decided to chill today. Visited her agency for a file review and are hoping her foster mother can see us before we leave. She had a medical emergency but this is likely our last visit. They told her later this year she can pursue a birth search so she’ll think about that.  

We laid around a bit after that and then went to Mangwon Market to find food. Definitely came back with some yummy snacks for under $16 including the Pepsis from 7-11. And we were so full. Still hoping to find a good hotteok but those are easier to find on a rainy day. 

Took another break and short nap and then went to Insadong to see if we could find some good art.  There were shops closed already so we may have to return during the day.  Found some gifts though.

Our Airbnb this stay  small but typical.

Keeping this to always remember the sounds of Seoul

So I said that it was chill?  I checked my watch and we just barely walked less than yesterday. 🤷‍♀️

 

We came….we have much to eat

 

Did I mention we flew Delta One?  It was awesome treat for sure.  I lucked across $699 upgrades.  That meant eating and waiting in the Sky Lounge in Minneapolis WAY more comfortably. But it also meant having a suite in the plane with doors and lots of storage space and being able to go from sitting to lying flat or anywhere in between on the 13+ hour ride to Incheon. It will be hard to fly economy on our mileage Korean Air tickets to Hawaii next week. But they were free so no complaints. 

A day and a half in Seoul. Maybe not that much.  We arrived arrived to our apartment around 430pm.  We settled and went to eat and check out Hongdae shopping. We decided right then this trip was going to be about eating and shopping and maybe a couple of new and old things. We’ve done a lot over the past 3 trips!  But this is our last so a bit more relaxed and completely unplanned. 

Had Cole not passed away I likely would have planned it. But all we had were the tickets at the time and I lost the ability to care about planning a trip after all of that. Heck I cried on the plane. Some young man boarded our first ride and smiled real big like Cole and I lost it. Chelsi was already asleep so she didn’t notice. The poor guy beside me was trying to avoid me while I tried to suck all my sadness and tears in. I did NOT expect this. 

We have been eating well. Bibimbap our first night. And it was so good. Last night we had a Kimbap type thing and tiny dumplings fried and then covered in a spicy sauce with fries, at the ballpark no less. All of the food and drinks we had at the game, including game tickets, were just over $30 combined. The cheerleaders and MC were as fun as always. The game was fun but then it was sort of a blow out so we left a little early. Back on the subway by 930 and that was the most crowded I’ve ever seen one. No space at all. 

We picked up some shopping items at Goto underground shopping mall.  It’s literally floors below the surface. Sometimes you don’t realize how deep a subway goes until you go up a couple floors or more and are still not street level. 

Onto a new day. Her foster mother had her appendix out this week so that visit has been canceled. We’re hoping she can reschedule before we go but don’t know yet. 

Graduation party #4

 

I didn’t get everyone but got most. She had a great time so that was all that mattered!

Thankful and blessed

 A friend wanted to stop by before they left on their trip and we left on ours to get these to us. What I love about these special gifts is that Cole would have loved these but they’re so pretty I do too.  The little lantern is perfect for me to see on our deck from our living room. And the custom wooden box just took my breath away.  I had that tiny jewelry box I had given our son many years ago that my great great grandpa made. When we got it back we put some of his small things in there but I still had some things that I wanted to keep that were just in my cedar chest waiting for this.  It was perfect. I held back the tears somewhat. Not so much because I was so sad again but because of the thought for these gifts and the beauty of them in memory of our son. We have really been confirming the greatness of our long time friends.

#morememories #bestfrirnds #lovedones

One more last time

 

Her and I had always planned to go back. The other two said they’re not feeling a need anymore. We always leave this up to them when and if we save enough to go back. 

Then in January the tickets dropped and we decided to grab them. We made all of our reservations and had it ready to go when Cole passed.  I was on the fence about leaving after that. Mostly just felt too sad at the time to think about anything enjoyable. But if we don’t just use our tickets now it will just get harder after she starts nursing school with clinical and working. 

I had always seen travel blogs and social media accounts where people get inexpensive upgrades. We’ve never flown anything but economy to Seoul. It’s not great but it works. I happened to checked early one morning and I snagged Delta One for $699. We’re getting our last flight to Korea in a suite for about the same price as we always paid for Korean Air economy!  The Delta One flights are usually $9/10,000 per ticket. Check out my blog for more info.  

This will likely be our final trip.  We have worked very hard to save money (and lots of credit card cashback bonus’s) to do this but it had to end at some point.  I, of course, have made it very clear they decide to return as adults and want me there I will always be willing, if possible   

Stay tuned for lots of pictures  

#flyinstyle #deltaone #seoultravel

Don’t blink

 

They grow up just that fast. Just like that my second to last is out of high school. 

I really didn’t expect to get emotional at graduation. I never have in the past. But I wasn’t expecting what she did. The older kids always bought and brought me a rose during the ceremony. She had three in her hand so I assumed she had bought one for me and one for her grandmas.  She gave me mine and then gave her little brother one and then gave me the last and told me it was for her oldest brother we lose two months ago.  That explained why she was crying before she got to me and then it was all over for me. Our son wouldn’t have been able to make her graduation with work so it wasn’t a particularly emotional event until then.

And little brother admitted to me that he would have been disappointed if she hadnt given him one. He’s going to miss her!

 I love my girls and they are definitely an inspiration. 

#mydaughters #graduation #imisshim