Holidays and Grief with Faith

This.  This is so conflicting in my human brain sometime.  How do I have faith that God exists while grieving a child?  During the holidays amplifies all of it.  I can literally be fine one second and questioning everyone’s very existence the next.  Smiling and then thoughts settle in that turn that smile fake.

I do believe in God.  Spirituality is confusing, but something I have to maintain to have any peace in my life.  And these days I yearn for peace.  Without spirituality how am I supposed to believe that when I dream of my son they’re real?  I’ve only had those two dreams with him.  And let me tell you….there was nothing more real.  I don’t think my husband understood until this week.  He NEVER remembers his dreams while I remember most of mine.  We have talked about that often over the years.  But this time he said he stayed awake afterward to ensure he wouldn’t forget it.  He said our son walked into a room and said he was checking on how we were doing.  My husband told him we weren’t doing well. He said it’s okay and that he was okay.  My husband said that as our son left the room he turned back around to say “Chris says hello”.  Chris is a friend of my husbands that passed a few years ago.  The boys grew up with him as a sort of grandpa.  Hearing my husband tell me that story a few days ago really gave me some peace.  I made him repeat it a few times because it really made my heart feel better.

But as we talked about it he told me how it made him happy and sad all at the same time.  He finally understood what I had tried to explain after my dreams.  It makes you miss him so much more, but so happy that you had seconds with him one more time.  And getting to hug him and hear him in your dreams is a gift and a blessing.  Without spirituality how is this possible?  I don’t think it is.

I was so happy that night and felt like I was getting through this holiday a little better.  But as Christmas Eve progressed I started getting this feeling in me.  The pit of my stomach just felt off.  I tried to finish playing games with the kids and smiling through the rest of the night so it could be more of a normal Christmas for them.  But, by the time I woke up this morning, Christmas Day, I really could feel it all. I felt all of the weight of missing him.  I went for a walk with my husband and drug him around for 2 miles trying to feel better and more centered.  We came home and I still wasn’t okay so I walked again another 2 miles.  The rest of the day I have spent by myself.  I am no good to anyone on days like this.  

Days like this I sit in the quiet.  I binge deep shows and think about my own feelings of the world and what the meaning of life is.  Yes, I actually contemplate that but have no answers.  Even with so many days spent doing this since he left us.  All I do know is I want to be around my kids every chance I get and I pray they always make room for us because there’s not enough time left.  But I’ve also been looking at photos of my son when he was younger and wish I could hug that kid again and tell him it would all be okay.  

I know these days may not actually get better with time.  I’ll never really not feel a piece of me missing.  I can’t imagine that feeling.  I allow myself joy, but there will always be some pain in there too.  The kids are amazing and I hope they continue to grow through all of this.  They wrote letters to us for Christmas and they were beautiful.  Something we could keep, reread and hold onto forever.  That’s the best presents they could possible give us besides their presence.

Invisible

 Is being invisible a gift or a curse?

I know it’s been awhile.  I’ve stayed off of social media (closed my account) and tried to just decompress a bit and sit with the sadness or happiness of the day instead of allowing social media into my life to redirect my attention. But here we are; back at the holiday season.  

A month ago I would have told you I was doing okay.  Everything was tolerable and while I still think about my son every single day I didn’t feel like I couldn’t go to work or function.  Then, a couple of weeks ago Loki (our baby (cat)) got sick and suddenly died.  The vet doesn’t know what caused his issues.  Losing my best friend really hit hard.  I realized that night that he was the one that I went to.  He was always outside for me to talk to when humans didn’t notice my hurt or I just couldn’t talk to them.  He got me through those awful days when we lost our son.  He kept me company every time I was outside; following me around when I gardened or sitting on the side of the pool when it was only me swimming.  He was my person!

And with the holidays drawing in fast I’m starting to feel like I did last year which I didn’t think I would.  I have found that most often when I finally get up the nerve to put my pride aside and reach out to someone to talk in my moments of utter pain they’re too busy.  I’m invisible.  Sometimes it means that I can just sneak past you in the grocery store so I don’t have to pretend to be okay and that’s to my benefit.  But sometimes I do want someone to notice that I’m in pain and just need that shoulder.  I don’t have that shoulder.  I can’t find one that will always be there.

I feel very alone.  No one in my entire (extended included) family understands what this feels like and no one wants to acknowledge I’m still deep in grief.  I pretend most of the year, but I just can’t sometimes.  It’s exhausting.  I mean think about it…..just to be productive at work I have to pretend 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year, 8 hours a day.  That’s a lot of being fake and I was never really good at that.

My son visited in my dream this week.  I hugged him so hard that when I woke up, in the middle of it, I was crying for real and I swear I could still feel my arms around his waist.  It was always his waist because he was too tall to hug otherwise.  I’m a whole foot shorter.  He talked to me, but this time it wasn’t as clear.  The only thing that was was that he told me he was watching me at the grocery store but couldn’t let me know he was there.  These are all I have left of him.  Memories of dreams.  Memories that I have to write down in order not to lose. No pictures to capture.  Just what I can recover from my brain in the early hours of the day while I’m still a little incoherent and foggy.

Losing Loki, dreaming of my son and the holidays coming so quickly are like the perfect storm of emotions that I can’t control or fathom what to do with.  Add that into my mother-in-law being, normal, and hurting me at every turn she can.  You would think after 31 years of her obvious discourse for me (maybe even hate) I would let it go, but she won’t stay out of our lives so she gets to continue to jab.  Invisibility would be nice there, wouldn’t it?

My sweet baby…..Cole take care of this one.  He was pretty great.

You either laugh or cry

 

I’ve been bracing myself for March.  Not just the crazy winds we’ve had but the storms that I have been expecting for many months.  I’ve been cleaning like crazy and doing all of the other crazy OCD tendency type things in preparation. That is just how I deal with stress. 

We’ve been preparing for tomorrow’s special day. The girls came home from college for it and the youngest comes home saying something happened to his ankle at track and he looked it up and seemed to be achilles related.  

I googled as well and then remembered the single tidbit of info they gave us on his birth father and that was that he ruptured his Achilles running track. Such a weird little detail to be the only thing they shared with us. The coach said he would have the school trainer look at it Monday but we decided given the possible family history and the fact that you have to wrap the foot specific for this injury, I took him to the ET.  

They did an X-ray and of course saw no breaks.  I mentioned why I brought him in and they listened. They got an ultrasound in there and there it was. It’s hanging on by maybe one fibrous thread.  He has a ruptured Achilles tendon.  

So he is wrapped and on crutches with an appointment with the orthopedic next Wednesday. Assuming real cast st that point.  I guess our year of all this crap started 3/24/24 when we lost our oldest and had no plans on letting us end it quietly.  

All if have left in me is to laugh!

Understanding more

 Every day. 

Last year today someone I knew,  not well, had a son who died in an accident.  I posted the obligatory hugs and I’m sorry when she posted on Facebook and thought about her off and on for a week or so.  

Then my son died 4 weeks later.  Many many people did the same thing I supposed.  Hugs, I’m sorry flooded my feed and they quickly moved on with their lives even going as far as to happily ask how things are going when they bumped into us shortly after forgetting for a little bit what we had been through.  It’s such a luxury to forget.  It’s such a blessing to never feel this. 

This pain that wanes.  This pain that goes away from time to time but comes back with a vengeance making you jealous of everyone around you that has never felt like this.  This pain that makes you want to go back into time or move forward years hoping it feels a lot better but knowing it wouldn’t.  This pain that makes you analyze every relationship you have and if it’s still worth your time any longer.  This pain that truly let you know who your real friends and family are.  In our family blood never made anyone family so just because you are related by blood if you don’t treat us like family then you don’t get to be treated like family.  

She and I have become pretty good friends over the past year   Understand what only she and I can commiserate on.  We agreed to have lunch sometime between the dates for our boys. The plan is to come over tomorrow on our day off and I’ll make is a lunch sometime between we can talk and possibly cry in peace. I’m looking forward to more than just our usually late night messages to each other.  But I know it will be rough on her since her week is now.  

Dates

 We’ve taken a step back. With grief in your life you re-evaluate everything. Especially relationships. We’re working on us. We’ve been married 30 years and we been been through too much. It’s all taken a toll. We got a daily devotional for couples that helps us pray with each other and think about each other more purposely. 

It’s worth a try.  If you want to know the link I’ll share.

Small changes

 

Between menopause and grief I’m battling something daily.  And they both affect your mood. Before all of my procedures I had decided to exercise more consistently.  During the cooler months I’m bad about putting on flannels and camping on the couch so I was doing really well. Then in recovery I got accustomed to that all over again. 

I inched back into it two months after the first surgery and have been reading about health more. I’m trying to be better about eating protein and getting steps in in addition to come strength. Though I’m sure anyone who really works out, like two of my kids do, it’s pretty lightweight.  But I’m focused on consistency while working myself up a little at a time. I’m only doing 6-7000 steps per day right now and trying to find healthy snacks to eat more frequently. 

These blueberry muffins are, well, a little flat but really good. I tweaked the recipe because it called for 1/2 cup of sugar and that just negated any of the healthiness of the recipe. I did re-add maybe a tablespoon of sugar and now it tastes like blackberry pie pound cake.  So good!  I’ve been trying to eat Greek yogurt for more protein and calcium but the only flavor I like is lemon meringue pie and only one Walmart sells it and it’s 45 minutes away. Super bummer.  Hopefully I’ll see it working in a couple of months but I feel it for now.  I feel less stressed and more relaxed every night.  I’ll take that small win.

Here’s the recipe if you want to try the muffins. 

• 1/4 cup coconut oil, melted
• 1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce 
• 1 Tbsp sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup plain whole milk cottage cheese
• 2 eggs
• 1.5 cups all purpose flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
• 1 cup fresh blueberries, tossed in flour

Preheat oven to 375°.  I just mix all of the ingredients together and bake in silicone muffin pan for 25-30 minutes. 

Hopeful

 

I’m not quite to peace, happiness or joy yet but I’m starting to feel glimpses of hopefulness.  But this was not without changes and prayer. 

We’ve been doing couples devotionals and as I said before I’ve been praying for myself a lot.  My prayers usually are for everyone else but lately it’s mostly been me. If I’m not well I can’t be there for the others.  I’m definitely realizing this. Or rather realized this.  I’ve been trying to eat better, exercise consistently and destress so I can sleep better.  

Songs like these help me.  I’ve found hope in God.  I struggle too still.  I will NEVER understand and may never believe that all things are for a reason and that God has a plan. Maybe He does but I can’t believe it included taking my son.  Maybe that was human choices that brought that on and His plan is for my healing?  I don’t know but right now that’s all I can think. 

It’s really easy to be a devout Christian and say the sorts of things people have said to me.  But unless you’ve been hurt and shook to your core like this you don’t get to tell people or make others think their belief is right.  Most often those of us that go through this sort of trauma lose our faith, at least at some point in time. Or maybe it waivers some.  It’s part of the journey to process the what and why of the events.  Trying to make sense of something that can’t possibly.  

If you know someone who lost a child, regardless of how, just be there for them. Don’t judge how they’re handling their journey.  Instead help them by bringing them a meal or send them a note talking about their child or go visit and just hang out and let them talk or sit in silence with you months down the road.  Remember just because you moved on a week or a month after they lost their child they will never be able to move on and the coming weeks and months after are almost harder when it really settles in to reality. 

New year

 

After a really rough year down to the bitter end the new year has come. I ended the year not only struggling with our first holidays without a vital person in my life but had lipoma removal surgery on my back and right before that started healing had another basal cell cancer removed on my front.  I’m finally able to do Pilates again.  

That makes me sound like a health nut. I’m not.  Between grief and menopause (7 months) I found that Pilates makes me feel better.  It was helping the arthritis in my hand from my scooter accident a few years ago as just my well being.  It really does bring my stress level down so when I couldn’t do it during the holidays because of all of my incisions I think it amplified everything. I had no outlet at all. But I also spent a lot of that time with extra prayer.

Because that season is supposed to be a time of joy and for the life of me I couldn’t find any I prayed. I prayed for peace, joy and happiness.  I’m realizing how different those three things are. Since the new year I haven’t had a breakdown.  I’ve been functioning in acceptance….for now.  I know that while I’m doing okay at the moment it could change on a dime.  I’ve learned the steps of grief aren’t a straight line through each point.  They’re a jumbled mess of repeating the steps and zigzagging through.  Im learning to accept this. 

I’ve had people ask me if I take anything for the anxiety and while I have some mood pills from Amazon that helped that first week I’ve chosen not to take any in the past few months. I’ve chosen to really feel all of the grief.  I’ve chosen to get through it and feel it as I do. I feel like this might be what’s best for me after I spent the summer ignoring grief and hiding from it.  That did NOT work.  I’ve also learned that if you’re not here to help me and stand by me but call yourself friend or family then I can’t have you in my life right now.  I will not spend my time catering to others when I’m just trying to get through and will not explain myself.  I’m still trying to be a good person but give me some room here.  

If you’re out there struggling with the first year or years with loss then give yourself some grace. Give yourself permission to extend the grace to yourself that you would extend to someone you love just the same. 

All wrong

 I feel like I did it all wrong. I know with grief there is no right or wrong. But maybe that’s why it feels wrong. There’s no sense to loss. Happiness, right now, feels impossible.  I feel like even though I didn’t survive an even that out son didn’t I have survivors guilt. I literally feel pain when, for seconds, may feel a twinge of happiness from time to time. 

We spent some time making candles from a kit we found going through his stuff.  The girls and a friend asked to put our tree up so we do have one.  Thought it’s only been up a few days I’m ready for the reminder to be gone.  The truth is I don’t need a reminder.  My heart and soul remind me all of the time.  

I survived Christmas Eve and felt a little proud of myself.  I only cried for a tiny bit in church.  My sister asked to come over after church which made the night feel different and got me distracted with her kids.  I decided to try Christmas morning breakfast with the in-laws with the ask that gift giving be minimized.  Our youngest is the youngest overall so it’s fine.  However, that’s not what happened and I went into a full on downhill slide into sadness.  We left immediately but it was too late.  I was done for the day.  I felt overwhelming sadness and exhaustion.  My body felt like it weighed hundreds of pounds and I felt as though I could sleep all day.  Today is much the same.  My face has been left red and puffy from intermittent uncontrollable crying  

I still have Christmas events to go and I’m not sure how to handle any of them.  I’m praying for Gods guidance and peace.  Lord I need some peace.  But what I know is that just because you survive one year isn’t a guarantee any of the following will be any easier. 

Beautiful, tall and strong

Then

 Today 

We donated money for Cole’s Christmas present this year. Us and the grandparents gave his regular Christmas money to a local conservation place that he always loved. It had been awhile since we all went as a family but with the money we donated they planed a tree in a place the kids loved.  We decided today this is our new Christmas tradition to come tell him Merry Christmas and pray together. It was less than 40° but sunny and beautiful so we walked the trail together before our prayer.  Chelsi did a lovely job. The tree is a red oak. It will be tall and strong like our son and even if the day comes when we have to sell our home he is now in a place we can visit anytime we want. 

Lots of tears this morning but a beautiful day. 

More change

The is is me.  This is how I handle stress.   I need control (OCD) so I change things.  Sometimes it means buying but more often it means clutter control 

It was time for a small change. We both wanted recliners but never really looked because all recliners look the same. We browsed a furniture store one Saturday looking for matching end tables and one of these barrel style, swivel recliners was sitting there. As soon as I sat in it I told him we had to replace our old swivel chairs.  They swaddle you in, no power, no handle and they’re super comfy. Just what I needed to just be by myself and cuddle up when I want. 

Then after I picked the color I realized the light gray couch was standing out and you couldn’t see the khaki colors inside the tweed so we opted for a @tjmaxx throw and some @amazon pillow covers to help them out. Exactly what we need. I don’t care what anyone says. I love the neutral aesthetic I accidentally have going on here. 

Anytime I need little items like the perfect throw TJ Maxx always comes through.  But seriously if you like a modern twist on recliners check out these Best brand chairs!

#neutralaesthetic #amazonfinds  #lovetjmaxx 

Comfort food

This is the viral spicy cucumbers that I made for my daughter and snacked on a bit because she forgot to take them to college with her. Lol

Final result

Dakgalbi with a side of mandu. I finally got the mandu to be a little pan fried on the bottom and the rest steamed to perfect.  I saw someone on instagram cook dakgalbi and thought it looked so yummy.  I was needing some Korean comfort food and this fit that need.  

A quickish run to the nearest Asian market for fresh bok choy and Korean sweet potatoes and I was ready. Add tteokbokki, gojuchang,onions and all of the right spices and it was a two pan meal. This served 4 (2 hungry young men) and leftover for two work lunches.  It was SO good and so easy in comparison to most Korean dishes. 

Will absolutely make again. 

 

Ebb and flow

 

The ebbs and flows of grief are exhausting. With me being in the middle of menopause I already struggle with being all over the place but grief greatly exacerbates that.  I feel like I’m up to anything one day and crying over anything and everything the next. 

I went to visit one of my college girls last weekend and came home to a package on our front porch from my cousin.  She had given me this picture with a little sheet explaining kintsugi; the art of repairing cracks with gold. I wasn’t sure where to put the beautiful picture but then realized exactly what needed to be with it. 

Having others in your lives and knowing that they are still thinking about you almost 9 months later means the world. She even wrote notes on the back and told me how they pray for our son and us every night.  That’s the comfort that I still need in the journey.  This, I know, is a long journey. One that I don’t know how to handle and no one can tell me how. I am trying to figure out my limits on things.  And I change my mind often.  And you do this all while trying to keep things somewhat level for the kids I have left.  But the one thing I really feel is that this year is about the 6 of us and having special time together. Time to just be together and make new memories and time remember our lives before. 

This holiday season

 So far. 

I’m a mom who has always focused on the kids and family and making the holiday happy and memorable. This year, even with the youngest at 16, the kids are old enough to know that I need self care.  This means doing whatever to get by.  

So far it has been not worrying about making holiday cookies in bulk to share with neighbors, coworkers and the postman.  This years it’s stopping the house cleaning because I like the way the sky looks sad like me but with a small line of light through it while the other half of the sky was somewhat brighter. Maybe that’s what I identify with right now?  

And after  quick stop by visit from one of the college kids and the microwave blowing and quickly finding a reasonable replacement, just sitting in the living room (rearranged again) and cuddling up with a thick blanket and hot chocolate in one of my favorite mugs. 

Dreading the actual next part of the season but trying not to think about it.  I’ve shopped for the kids and gotten what I need to for their Christmas. The rest isn’t necessary.  I’m realizing how much we put on ourselves constantly that doesn’t need to be. Enjoy time with family, pray for the safety, health and well being of that family, work to pay our bills and live.  Live more simply.  Which comes back around to enjoying time with family. 

For me. Right now.  Time with family means this little family of 6.  I love the rest of our family too but I need special time with them. They are my life and my breath.  

Prayers for all of those parents out there struggling with their first holiday season without a child like us. Cry often. Give yourself grace. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel.  

One at a time

 I’ve almost made it through. One of my firsts without you.  Now that the actually day is done and today we’re doing something together but completely different it doesn’t hurt as bad.  I’m thankful my family adjusted for me. I needed everyone to not say what day it was and do things completely different. I needed it to feel like somewhat of a normal day but be around.  I cried for a lot of the day.  A lot.  I got teary eyed most of the rest of the time.  But I was able to laugh while we played cards and just had a normal dinner together.  Extremely thankful for my brothers timing. He never is home on this day but he drove home and it made it feel just like a visit with him which is so much of what I needed.  I probably wouldn’t have left the house if he hadn’t. 

Today it’s just us. I need one day for just us. I’ve never cooked a big meal with everything so we made sure all of the kids could be home. We have already prepped the ham, the sweet potatoes, cheesy potatoes and turnips. I baked a cherry pie that I buy uncooked from a local church and I spent a whole lot of tears making Coles favorite pecan pie recipe that he and I used to make together and he learned to make on his own. 

If you’ve ever hurt this much then you know how it feels to be panicking trying to find that same recipe back and crying when you think you can’t. Crying because the crust doesn’t want to roll out or it’s too flaky to get from the counter to the pie pan.  Mostly I think I was just crying because I tried to hide what day it was from my mind but it still knew. My body still knew. I can’t hide it. 

It reminded me of 10 plus years after we lost our first baby and I was walking to work one day and felt a sudden sadness wash over me and I had tears streaming down my face.  I walked to my cube not knowing why I was crying. When I saw the date I realized it was the day we lost our first one probably more than 10 years before.  My body remembered. Something about the air, the wind, the sun that day reminded me of what happened without me really being aware.  

Those are going to come for me again now.  A mother’s body remembers when a piece of her heart was taken. 

I’m thankful for what remains   But I need grace and time to allow me to continue to grieve what I miss  

30 years

 30 years of being married. Over 32 together.  

Someone asked if it felt like a lot. The truth is yes.  We’ve been through a lifetime together.  We had gone through a tremendous amount long ago.  We’ve lost children.  Acquired health conditions.  Watched our children suffer. Prayed so often for our little family. 

We have fought against each other and fought to stay together.  Wanted to give up and then we realize there’s not something better out there. It’s so hard.  We’ve definitely felt the weight of everything we’ve been through adding to our relationship.  But we don’t have a choice. We’ve never had a choice. We either choose to give up or keep fighting through. 

I’ll find her

 I know whatever is next for me is still waiting for me to find. I have ALWAYS wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I have loved them all through good and bad.  I can honestly say I have loved them unconditionally through hurt and mistakes.  I will always love them. 

With the holidays coming,whether I like it or not, I’m looking deeper into my life.  I’m realizing that I can be more than just a mom.  I’m finding out, the hard way, that I now need to learn to take care of me.  I saw a movie that explained that there’s a reason they make the parent put the oxygen mask on before putting on the child.  If we don’t take care of ourselves we can’t take care of them. 

Between heart surgeries, adoption processes, life altering accidents and life I’ve done a lot on autopilot. We were always just getting by and I want to do more than get by.  I want to do more than put myself last.  I want to look back and not just see pictures but vivid memories and feel the comfort and love of family and friends. 

Does that mean I’m ready for full fledged holidays this year?  Not at all.  I’m dreading them with every fiber of my being. My house is my safe place where I can pretend, somewhat, like they’re not here and therefore I don’t have to acknowledge who is missing.  I may stay here in that place. I may be brave enough to come out. I will know when the time comes. 

Just please don’t minimize my feelings and inability to move yet.  Please just help me and be there for me instead.  I promise I’ll try harder every year. But this year.  I just need to grieve that holidays loss.  The holidays were the time when I could absolutely count on my little chicks being back in the nest and spending time with them. I have to figure out how I can do that without one.  I will figure it out.  I need strength, time and grace. 

#holidaygrief  #holidaysafterloss

One sad mom to another

 https://abedformyheart.com/grateful-and-grieving/

As I sit here recooperating from a surgery I have been finding myself extremely anxious about the holidays that will come and go without regard to me or my heart.  I’ve been scouring the internet for blogs from a universe of moms who have gone through this before me and explained what they have done to survive the rest of the year.  There’s no one size fits all.  After so much reading I still haven’t found something that feels right to get through two very busy holidays.  

The blog I linked here did a good job of explaining what moms are going through after the loss of their children. And there’s no limit to just the first holidays without.  They’re limited by what that mom can handle.  I feel oddly comforted as I cry reading blog after blog of moms who are trying to help new grieving moms like myself.  

All I know is that I want these holidays to either pass by unnoticed or change up the tradition so much that it’s unrecognizable and maybe it won’t feel like he’s missing the holiday it will just feel like a gathering that he didn’t make it home for. 

It’s so hard to explain to anyone how you feel. I think most moms would agree that no one loved anyone on this Earth like a mother so when the child is lost first a mother doesn’t know what to do. In ways she feels like she’s just aimlessly roaming this world.  Caught between trying to take care of her remaining children the way she used to and trying to redefine herself with the huge gaping hole that is left of her.  The holidays amplify that hole and make it more obvious.  

Love to all those moms out there this year whether it’s your first or you are years in. 

Creating new beauty

 

My front area needed a change earlier this fall and that’s a good time to move plants if you’re going to.  I had some overcrowding and needed to move a planter.  I had this little boy fishing for years because it always reminded me of my older boys but I had it back in a corner. The kids made the handprint stones back in 2011 and I had them scattered.

It was time to put the little boy fishing in the middle surrounded by the handprints of the 4 youngest kids.  I know Cole has his younger siblings watched over. He always cared about them and I know he still does.

I’d like to say I’m good and my heart is good but it’s still minute by minute some days. I truly understand how difficult the holidays are for people in certain situations.  I know I have a lot to be thankful but this whole year has been rough and I’m not looking forward to the holidays. 

I’m really big on reusing where possible.  Finding new uses for things when you need a change or something is no longer working.   You can take something you’re tired of and make it new and beautiful.  It doesn’t always mean more money being spent.

#firsts #firstholidayswithoutyou #missyoueveryday 

Privacy

 I’ve been wanting more privacy in our front door for awhile. Delivery people or anyone could see right in the house.  For $10 I bought a roll of the vinyl rain glass cling, cut it, sprayed it and had it on in maybe 30 minutes.  I love it! 

Seriously if it have a door that needs this don’t hesitate. I just used my credit card and a blade to cut it to size. But you can also buy a kit. 

Comment if you want a link.