Growing up....no fun sometimes

Are we growing up?  Are we outgrowing?  What are we doing when we no longer have any of the same old friends?  I mean the ones you used to tell things to are now nowhere, really, to be found.  I'm not even sure quite how it happened.  It feels like it more happened one way than the other.  Meaning, slowly you were left out of their lives than vice versa.  It's okay some days and really hurts other days.  Birthdays ARE the hardest here.  That's part of the reason my birthday felt like it kinda sucked.  You come to that realization.  I guess I'm just still kinda there, in that funk.  Happy I have my little family and love them dearly.  B says he's my best friend and I don't need one, but girls are different.  Girls need 'their person' as eloquently stated on Grey's Anatomy. I don't have my person.  There's things we just don't talk to with our husbands, though I guess I've gotten less embarrassed and started to now.  Maybe it's a good thing for us.  It's just frustrating for me.  But, it is what it is.

Melt my heart....maybe at least one of my kids likes us

as parents and MUST also like their siblings.

Chase came in the house, late as usual because he spends all his waking time outside, especially when it starts to cool down in the evenings.  He sat in the living room with me after his shower and said that when the kids are all adults we should buy a great, great big house with wings.  Then, each kid and their family could live in the same house as us and we could all just pay for it together.  Okay, now a few years ago, I could see that coming out of Chase's mouth.  He was my family oriented, sweet kid.  Then, the tweens and teens hit and he wasn't so sweet and seemed to want to do nothing but get away from us.  Nope, he still wants to be with us....even closer than I ever imagined.  Melt my heart.  I'm glad family is important to him too.  Love Chase.

It's getting busy!

Summer is ALWAYS busy.  We're just really in the middle of the pick up.  We had just enough time to recover from jet lag before we went from just 2 activities per week to 3.  It was just volleyball for Kaelin and gymnastics for Chelsi one night per week.  Now Kaelin has volleyball, Chelsi has gymnastics and Jaemin and Chelsi both have swimming lessons twice per week.  Right as volley ball ends football will start for Chase......5 nights per week!  So, I think we'll only have one overlap week of gymnastics, swimming lessons and football.  Then it will go to just 5 nights of football and one night of gymnastics just in time for school to begin.  Already?  Are you kidding me?  If I feel that way, I know the kids do too.  Chelsi gets to see one of her school friends next weekend for her birthday party.  And while Kaelin and Chelsi decided they would rather spend their Saturday with their aunt M, all 3 boys are going with us on a float trip.  This is Jaemin's first, so I'm anxious to see what he thinks of it.  He'll love it.  It's outside on the river.  Then onto a fish and frog fry (EWE....frogs!).

Kaelin is STILL liking volleyball.  This is the longest she's last for awhile.  Maybe she'll stick to it.  Brian still wants her to run track since she's so fast.  We'll see.  I don't know what grade you have to be in to begin.

Chelsi is really getting her roundoffs down and is closer to a back handspring.  She just needs to build up a little more muscle in her arms to support herself.

Jaemin is such a little fish!  He doesn't care to pay a whole of attention to his teacher because he is finally in the 2 foot pool and just wants to swim underwater.  His teacher says he's a strong swimmer.  So true.  And he holds his breath for a long time.

Hopefully, this season will be a good football season for Chase.  He's just starting to run to get ready, so we'll see how he does.  He's so young on his team, so it's harder because it makes him smaller, but he'll just have to pick up and use the speed he does have when he wants to.

As far as my van.  I canceled the warranty on the Toyota and am getting all but probably about $30 back.  I think so far I'm liking my new van.  Not as much stuff on it really, but I like it.  It was a really good deal, so I can't complain.  And just because I'm gunshy, I did get the extended warranty, but I googled the best deals and asked our dealer to match and they did.  I'm good for 8 full years of driving.  And I'm not minding the color Brian picked out as much as I thought I would.

Never thought I'd say this

I'm such a beach/water girl.  I love to be near water, if not in it.  I could live on the water, as long it was water I could swim in if I wanted to.  When given any choices for vacation, my choice is always beach.  Always the calm ocean.  I crave the water.  I know my sister understands this.  It's hard to explain craving the water like this, but she feels the same way.

But now, I miss Korea and Seoul.  Kind of like I miss the beach.  I can think about the beach and the atmosphere there and miss it so much throughout the year.  Now that I'm over my jetlag from returning from Seoul, I miss it.  It's a feeling of wanting to be there and missing the sights and sounds and atmosphere so much that you feel it all in your mind so much so that you can actually feel it, smell it and hear it.

If I ever won the lottery (yeah right, you have to pay to play to win first), I think this is where I'd be.  Between the beach and Seoul, I'd be at one or the other every single year.  It doesn't even have to be long term, though I could always buy a beachhouse then, right?  It just has to be to where I can spend a couple weeks in Seoul to soak more of it's culture up.  I miss walking in the calm rain there, holding my umbrella and when you approach a man, they just keep theirs over their head, but lift it up above yours and you seamlessly  walk past each other.  The way they do everything there is so safe, predictable, built in time, tradition and culture, so respected.  Seoul officially has a piece of my heart like the beach and ocean have always.

I know I will never be able to constantly return and may never actually return again, but I will remember my times there often (especially this year with my family) and always with great, happy memories that can never be taken away and will never go away.  I pray for another chance or multiple chances to go back, but logically know this will likely never happen.  I will just have to settle for the memories that rewind constantly that can make me smile, even when I'm just sitting alone.  Seoul's not just about where my younger kids came from and my sweet angel baby Jaemin they so lovingly and amazingly found us to be his parents.  It's a place I get.  A place I love.  A place I take pride in and see why Koreans take such pride in their own country.

Seoul is a part of my heart now and always will be.

Unplanned purchase

Totally planned to replace my van when Kaelin was driving so I could downgrade to a car for better MPG.  However, with the issues I've had with my van since it was brand new 3 1/2 years ago, we decided to go look around today.  We planned enough by at least checking numbers (invoice, MSRP, etc.) so we'd be educated, but didn't bring anything for our van, including the title.  We really just wanted to get an idea of if there was a deal out there, what kind of numbers they'd be.  We had plans to talk to the Toyota dealership Monday to see what kind of deals they had by comparing to what Honda would offer for my Toyota.  You see, for the 2nd day in a row (3rd time in less than a year) I got stuck in my car.  The panel on the driver's door keeps slipping and getting stuck so I can only open in about 1/4 of an inch and have to crawl out the sides or climb to the back to crawl out.  Either way, it's not a pretty sight especially on days I happened to wear skirts when it occurs.  And yes, I get laughed at at work crawling out the passenger side, but what am I to do until they come out to fix it.  Today made the 20th time it had been back to the dealership for about 4-5 different issues (none motor) in the past 3 1/2 years.  I only had 43,000 miles on it.  It had been not such a great morning anyways and you can imagine my feelings when I needed to get out of the house, so I pull into Walmart's parking lot to grocery shop and find I can't get out of my vehicle AGAIN.  I couldn't stop the tears.  I was crying and I was shaking and then I was sick to my stomach.  The service manager, who is wonderful, came out to look at it immediately and then he filled up my gas so I could get back to the dealership.  He literally had to screw the panel to the metal portion of the door so it wouldn't slip until he got a new panel in next week.  He had already installed new clips 2 other times and both times they failed.  He's hoping it's a defect with the panel, but no guarantees.  I just couldn't deal with that anymore.  It's not safe.  I end up having a mini panicky feeling each time on initial trying to get the door open.  Even Brian finally said it was enough this time.  We went to Honda to get numbers to compare.  They came back with a number that was pretty absurd.  Especially, since we were sort of trading down.  I didn't want the DVD this time, so we seemed to have lost that, roof racks and one 120V plug.  All not biggies especially when that DVD player tore the heck out of DVDs rendering most of them unplayable or skipping all the time.

I brought Jaemin with us especially so we'd have an excuse to leave.  Oh darn, the baby's upset, time to go.  But the manager asked me what I needed to get to.  I told him since it was a knock down of what I had (must have sunroof and leather), I wanted it for $5,000 less than he told me he could do.  I told him it wasn't a big deal though, he could think about it and we just really wanted to go.  He was really adamant he could call Honda and get closer.  Next thing I know he comes over and says if I do it for XXX you have to take the loan for .9, you can pay it off at first payment, but they'll lower the price if we did that.  I did NOT know what to say.  I thought what I gave him was a little absurd seeing as my van is 3 1/2 years old with 43,000 miles.  He said we had to pick a color in stock to do it.  I told him they had to have what I would want first, then I would agree.  That was hard.  Now I was under the gun to make a decision I hadn't planned to make. It was a really good deal, so it actually made more sense to replace it now rather than later because in a few more years the Sienna depreciates even harder.

In the end, I got the Odyssey for MSRP and traded mine for $1,000 less than what I paid for it 3 years ago....if you look at it the other way (because you can switch those numbers however you like to get to the difference), I paid invoice for the new van and traded mine for $3,000 loss of what I paid 3 1/2 years ago.  Really good deal in the world of vehicles.  Luckily, I had gotten a great deal on the Sienna in the first place, but after the trouble I had with all of the little things, so stressful.  We went for the 5 year warranty and we have no maintenance on it for 5 years either.  We did the loan because we had to, but we have the option to pay it off whenever we like.  Not sure if we will since we're not losing any money on it, but we always have the option if we get tired of our $150 payment.

Not quite in my budget plans (or was in the line for a few years from now), but you have to take the better deal even if timing is a little off.  Hopefully and I really, really hope this one has a better track record.  My old Honda was great, so I'm hoping this one's as good.  And it has an 8th see.  I'm liking that again.

Laidback kinda holiday

Unless doing something with friends we're pretty laidback for holidays and don't whoop it up a lot.  The older ones weren't really interested in going into town to watch fireworks, so we just grilled some burgers and had lemonade and corn on the cob.  We did think Jaemin would love the corn, but turns out he's not a big fan of it still on the cob.  We made some waffles and had our frozen yogurt and strawberry preserved on top, later.  Pretty nice, relaxing day.  We may do some fireworks this weekend or we may not......going to be a lot hotter.
Cole had an appointment for his orthodontist.  Looks like he'll still have them on when he starts school. He wants them to move just a little bit more.  We didn't pay for a perfect bite, but he's going to end up with one.  Lucky Cole.
Only Chase had cavities this year.  I told him I could tell he wasn't brushing as much as he should have, but he didn't listen 'cause don't you know it, moms know nothing.  Eye roll here.  The rest of our teeth were good.  Chelsi just has to go back for sealants to protect her teeth.  Of course Brian had to hear the dentist brag about my dental health the whole time he looked at his teeth.  There's something to be said about good genes.  Kaelins teeth have straightened out with age, so no braces.  Glad I didn't listen to him last year when he said to put them on her.  All 3 of my youngest babies have good enamel.  Yay!  As always the dentist shows mercy to this private paying family and the bill wasn't too awful.

Never crossed my mind

I belong to a support group for Tetralogy of Fallot (Cole's heart condition).  It's comprised of mothers-to-be with a diagnosis for her baby, parents of minor children (such as myself), parents of adult children and the tet adults themselves.

Mostly, I belong, for the same reason I keep up with adoption support groups, because you never know when something will change and it's the best way to find out.  Sometimes I pose questions to adults hoping for a glimpse into Cole's future, praying for evidence of a happy, healthy one for him.  Sometimes the other parents post asking about pediatric cardiologist opinions, and sometimes, mostly mothers-to-be post because they're terribly frightened about the diagnosis they've been given for their baby to be born.

First, I did not know Cole had this when I was pregnant.  I did have an inkling something was wrong with his heart because of a mistake the sonographer made by making a comment, but she obviously never followed up with my OB.  I'm glad I didn't know.  I see the extra worry these moms go through and truth is you cannot do anything until the baby is born anyways.  And few of these kids are born with such issues that they must be addressed immediately upon birth.  Meaning, rarely do you have to have the child born in a hospital with a PC on staff.

I had not even thought of this aspect until a mom posted last night asking if others' marriages were devastated by the disease.  Granted I was very young (almost 23) when I gave birth to Cole, but it never crossed my mind that this could be difficult on a marriage.  By the time Cole was born it had been 1 year since we lost our first child.  After finding out Cole had tet and breaking down for a few minutes until the PC ensured me Cole would survive, I was just happy to have a healthy baby.  Albeit, not perfectly healthy according to everyone's standards, but it was fixable over his lifetime and he was with us, so I was content.  I remember freaking out a bit when he would have a cyanotic episode.  God just must have been with me the whole way. Always, the words of his PC stayed with me.  Treat him like a normal child.  He IS normal.  I only remembered he had a condition when he was sicker than usual, which was rare, had an episode or we had a doctor's appointment.  I guess I took it to heart.  When the day for his surgery came I was very calm.  It never really entered my young mind to worry.  I don't know if God was just with me the whole day or if I'm just like my mom and put on a brave face, only reserving my worst for real crisis?

I answered this other mother back, but had to really think back.  Did his condition ever put strain on our marriage??  It's been a long time.  But, honestly, it never ever did.  The loss of our child did.  Our pregnancies did from time-to-time.  Brian's accident, definitely did.  But, Cole.  He never did.  For a second I thought, wow lady, you should be so lucky for this to be the strife in your life so awful to not have a marriage left after it.  But, then I reminded myself.  You never know.  Maybe she had a terrible husband who only wanted the perfect family (though this disease is far from devastating in most cases).  Maybe this really is the hardest thing she's ever been through and has never had any disappointment in life and didn't know how to handle disappointment or fear.  Maybe their marriage wasn't good from the start.  Plenty of couples, statistically, divorce when one becomes a paraplegic or quadriplegic.  It changes more than just abilities to walk, never running again or changing the way they can or can't do simple tasks.  I kind of have a glimpse into understanding these family's breakups and crumbles more than anyone I know.  At the  same time you never actually really know anyone.  We are far from what we look like on the surface.  And even though I share enough in common with these people to want to judge them, I have to remember there are commonalities between us, but plenty of differences as well.

Our marriage is far from perfect.  I pray my kids' handle their disappointments better than I do.  But, we have enough love in us to always fight and work through the things (not disappointments) that have been thrown at us.  Life will continue to change and hopefully we will as well....in the right way.  Everyone changes as they age and grown.  When you go through such shifts in your core as we have and countless other families, it sends you in directions you never saw on the map you had outlined in your head.  That's when it's truly amazing that couples stay together.  I mean if you live in a fairly perfect world with little disappointment and unsolicited change, life's a breeze and marriage should be too.  But some don't just get a little ripple or bump, they get the whole earthquake.  Support those with the earthquake.  You never know when it could be you and don't judge them, or try not to, for the way they respond when they're in the middle of the 9.0.  It's all instinct.  And sometimes, some don't even respond in the middle.  Some are like me and they don't respond until all of the tremors and aftershocks are gone.  In the quiet, they realize their life has been turned upside down and they finally feel free to scream and be scared and try to find some control in their new world.