I don't say too much about my reactive airway or asthma....whatever you care to call it.  For almost 20 years I've been trying to manage.  For 8-10 years I did allergy shots with one doc and then quit when it wasn't doing anything.  I gave it a long try, don't you think?  Then, I woke up holding my breath at night...scared the bejezious out of me.  He said I didn't fit the profile for sleep apnea, so he swore (this new allergy doc) that he could help me.  So, for 3 years I did them with him.  I'm just not seeing a big change.  As much as I want to, I can't say I did.  I was still on daily meds.  At one point I was doing flonase, allegra and singulair daily.  Didn't really notice a difference.  I still had to use my albuterol several times a week because of the panicky feeling I'd get when I couldn't catch a deep breath...or sometimes just a breath.  Talk about being a big grouch.  It's hard NOT to be really edgy when you can't breath all day long!

So when the Advair was working I thought I had it made.  Nope...dang Advair made me have more problems...giving me lovely pneumonia and losing my voice.  Not to mention all the weight gain corticosteroids cause.  I went to our health foods store a couple of weeks ago to get some local honey as a last ditch effort and he recommended trying an MD he knows that now specializes in alternative therapy for allergies and asthma.  He went to training in eastern medicine.  So, I'm going there in 2 weeks.  I guess I'm just hoping he can give me some advice on some natural remedies I can take to come close to the Advair without the other side effects.  I did try the honey with cinnamon tonight and I'll keep trying that to see if it helps.  I've been researching and found vitamin C, quercetin and bromelain are supposed to help some with asthma as natural anti-histamines and anti inflammatories.  Apparently, you're not supposed to take NSAIDS when you have asthma, so I wonder if my naproxen is what really set it off worse today?  I was kind of having a 2 puff (inhalder) day anyways, but then I had to take one of those for something else.  I rarely take them, so I'll have to pay attention to what kind of affect it has next time.  All I know is that just walking into the house I was puffing so hard and could not catch my breath tonight.  It scares me and agitates me all at the same time. 

I think I just needed to vent and I'm so hoping this new guy can do something for me.  I'm losing hope in so many doctors after the last guy wanted me to do all these expensive tests as to why I was losing my voice without even realizing it was the Advair he put me on the whole time.  2 weeks off and poof, my voice is fine.  I'm just sitting here, slowly breathing as much air as I can get in, trying to get over a very light cold that is totally adding to the problem and praying that tomorrow is better and that, honestly, 2012 is better.  As much as I'm happy most of the time, when I'm having these severe attacks, I can just sit here and cry because it feels like it will never get better and I wonder what it's like to breath normal.  I want to breath and not think about breathing.  I want it to be an automatic response instead of one I have to concentrate so hard to do.  Please, 2012, bring me an answer to my asthma.

Such a nice day for a quiet Christmas

We had our quiet Christmas for the first time and it was different, but nice.  We had breakfast at Brian's mom and dads and then came home.  Jae finally took his nap and while he did that Cole, Chase, Kaelin and I played Monopoly that they got for Christmas.  Then we started snacking on our unhealthy holiday snackfeast.  We had so much junk food, but the kids enjoyed it.  Then, since grandma went to New York to see B, grandpa came and spent the evening with us, snacking some more and playing Catch Phrase.  Kaelin is HILARIOUS playing this game.  I wish I would have video taped that, but dang she was also pretty good at it even if she didn't know what something was.

Jaemin got a battery powered 4 wheeler as his gift for Christmas.  I almost forgot about it....how could I it was pretty much the only thing he got and the big thing was blocking us from getting in our closet for a week.  We let him try it out, in the dark, at 8 pm last night.  He and I had to stay home from Brian's grandparents because Jaemin has had a cold for about a week and started running a fever last night.  We didn't want to get anyone sick, so he and I got him a Happy Meal with Alvin (the Chipmunks) in it.  He LOVED Alvin and the lady at McDonalds was nice to enough to hunt it down for me so he could be happy on Christmas Eve.  We actually just watched Pollyanna together and then started the Sound of Music.  So, back to the 4 wheeler.  Because Jaemin didn't get to go bye-bye with the other kids we decided to let him go outside to ride his 4 wheeler (motorcycle he calls it) before he went to bed.  Oh my.  I've never seen any kid SO happy let alone my little sweet pea Jaemin.  He never stopped smiling in the 20 minutes we were outside.  He would stand as he rode and yell "WWWEEEEEEE".  He was dangerous on that thing and we have to keep a super close eye on him until he learns to steer better, but wow was he a happy boy!

All of the kids got so many things between us, Santa and some of the grandparents so far.  They all had a great Christmas and it was nice to have it be a little different and less rushed, once.  I will never get Jaemin's face out of my mind from last night.  Oh, if I could have video taped him sweet face in the dark I would have; pure happiness!

The picture from today's 4 wheeler ride aren't near the same smile we got last night, but it's still so cute to see him getting around on that thing.  Oh yeah, those cute little animal sleeps masks were Kaelin's favorite gift....go figure.  And Chelsi and Kaelin are now convinced Santa exists because who else would know Chelsi's Korean name was JiYoung and put it on her doll's dress?

And dad snuck in a Christmas kiss on Jaemin's cheek.

What a blast that 4 wheelers was. 

Inspiring

We sat down to tonight for family night. We kind of let these nights fall by the way side when the days are longer and nicer, but in the Winter we tend to have them more often. So, since I got a McDonald's gift card for Christmas, at work, I picked some up for everyone tonight and we sat on the floor in the living room for a picnic and watched a movie. Jaemin actually sat still with me the whole time. Of course, during part of it I did his brushing therapy and that always keeps him calm, but it counts the same.

Anyways, I had DVR'd Soul Surfer a couple of weeks ago and we hadn't had a chance to watch it yet. It was so amazing. I had tears through most of it. As a mother and just as a human this girl, Bethany Hamilton, is just amazing, mature, inspiring and beautiful. I don't mean beautiful as in pretty (which she's that too), but a beautiful personality.

I would be so blessed and proud if any of my kids carried the same pride, modesty, faith, strength and belief that this girl did in the face of adversity. I'm sure they didn't show just how hard her worst days really were, but everyone's entitled to their worst days....it's how you react and I can honestly say I wouldn't be proud of myself most times...more than likely. Everyone could learn from a person like her.

It was such a nice calming way to spend the eve of Christmas Eve. And as we plan for tomorrow I feel happy. Seeing movies like that put your life in perspective which is another lesson she learned and taught in the movie. So, tomorrow morning I will go for my eye visit, finish up a few groceries and come back and get all the kids ready to go to Brian's grandparents for Christmas. We will eat and talk and then go to church. I LOVE Christmas Eve mass. It's so relaxing, beautiful and just calming. It's always my favorite. Brian talked about going on Christmas Day, but I grew up on Christmas Eve mass and there's just nothing that compares to the beautifulness of the night with Christmas music and the kids dressed up so pretty and handsome.

To my family, missing this weekend in NY, I hope the 4 of you have a wonderful Christmas too and I will call you this weekend or Skype so I can see my sweet nephew on Christmas. To my dad in FL, I will call you tonight. You can finally open the Christmas present the 3 of us kids sent to you.

Goodnight all and blessings to everyone or at least the ability to count your blessings afforded to you all year long.

Rumble Ramble

It's been awhile...again.  I say that A LOT!  It's just so busy and this isn't the place I think of, but I think of it while I'm driving.  Oh, I need to write this or that down.  And by the time I get a chance it's gone!

So, Cole is still wrestling.  As long as he finishes the season his coach told him he already has enough points to get a varsity letter.  I'm SO excited for him.  This means that even if he has his heart surgery and never get the chance again he'll still get to be like the other boys.  I told him if his grades stay up even after wrestling and the beginning of next year we will get him a letter jacket before Christmas.  I know this is a big expense for us, but I will find a way to do it for him because he rarely gets some of life's luxuries other kids get.  I want to spoil him just once.

Jaemin had his occupational therapy evaluation and she agrees that he seems to have sensory disorder.  He won't qualify for help through the school unless he has a deficit somewhere else and he does in speech, so they've tested him there too.  Poor guy has had two days in a row of testing and questions...mom too.  The speech therapist said she'll finish up everything sometime next month.  The OT thought there was a good chance they could squeak him in on speech and get him qualified for OT that way.  It's the first time I was validated by any professional and I was so happy.  So she taught me a brushing technique that we can try with him to alert his senses and the theory is that he will eventually not have to stim (stimulate) himself through flapping, running, etc. to soothe his senses.  Neurologically normal kids wouldn't care for it because it can sort of hurt, but he likes it.  It feels good.  We just started it yesterday, so it's hard to say. Probably just coincidence, but for the first time he didn't get upset when I wasn't home at bedtime and he went to bed for Brian before I came home from Cole's match.  He slept all night in his bed without even trying to come in my room.  Hopefully, eventually we'll see differences.  Someone I know said her daughter was in therapy for a couple of years and she saw drastic changes.  The OT thinks he will most definitely benefit and she said she was happy I pushed for the last 1 1/2 years to get someone to take me seriously.  He's such a smart boy.  He's just stuck inside himself sometimes because he can't quite get it out with what all's going on.  The quieter, sometimes the harder it can be for him.

Nothin' new for the other 3.  I had a $100 reward check from a policy I have, so instead of saving it this time I decided to splurge and we took some of it and went out to eat....on a week night.  The kids (or us for that matter) never get to do something this...ever.  It was a nice change.  We just talked and had fun.

Had a talk with Cole last night to make sure he knew  how proud I was of him.  Not because I think sports are important but because he was brave enough to try something he'd never done, not knowing how he'd do and really stuck it out there.  I told him he's the toughest boy on the team and I mean that.  How many kids are lining up for their next heart surgery and do this?  I can't wait to see him more and more because he gets better at each one.  Win or lose you can see a difference.

I can't believe it's almost Christmas.  I'm a little sad because it will be SO different.  I'm not sure I've ever spent a Christmas Day without my family...(mom, sister, etc.).  But, it was canceled because it's usually at mom's and she and M decided to fly to New York to see B and E.  I'd have gone if I didn't have a little boy that's fairly dependent on me.  B deserves to have family too and in his situation he can't just fly back.  It's a compromise for everyone and family does that when they care.  We're going to make the best of it though.  I've bought enough junk food to make us sick.  We're going to (all 7 of us) play games that we get for Christmas and watch the Christmas movies I've been taping all day long.  We can eat wings, jalapeno poppers, little smokies and my must have cheesecake.  Oh and Kaelin requested fruit salad, so that's the only thing I have to really make.  I'm hoping we'll all have a good time just being together.  That's always good for a family, though we are probably together more than most, nowadays.

All is good for the most part and I'm just excited for the kids to have their Christmas now.  We don't buy anything for each other, so we can spend it on them, but I don't care.  I LOVE watching them open their presents.  They're the best kids in the world and really do appreciate the small things in life.

Love unconditionally and often.

Not that I don't already know it, but sometimes it just doesn't hurt to remind any one of us how important it is to love our children and families, hold them close to our hearts and enjoy every moment with them.  I think the times I, personally, need the reminders is when I'm upset with the kids over the small stuff like their constant fighting, their grades, etc.  I need to remember that you just don't know and to let the bad moments pass and love every moment with them.  It's the whole reason I pushed so hard for the cardiologist to let Cole wrestle when he didn't want to.  I decided it was time to let Cole live his life.  Enjoy his life.  What if it's gone tomorrow?  I'd want to know that he was happy.  And right now, while he's wrestling he seems so happy.  In fact, this is the happiest I've seen him since he was little.  It makes me feel so good to see him look happier.  Not that he was depressed or sad all the time.  I just don't know how to describe the difference I see.  Maybe to most people it's subtle, but to me....I see it.  I see his sense of belonging and accomplishment.  It's for him.

If you ever get the chance to watch "The Heart of Christmas" do.  It's so sad, but such a beautiful message that all parents and families should see.  You forget that there are so many families (mothers) going through such awful tough, draining, emotional times while you're complaining about something meaningless.  I'm as guilty as anyone.  I will try to do better.  But, read her caringbridge site for her son.  Watch the movie and then donate to the Dax Foundation.  They are trying to raise money for St. Judes and they have a goal of about 1 1/2 million dollars which is what's needed to run that hospital for just one day.

Enjoy your Christmas this year.  Remember what's important in life.  Slow down and cherish your moments together before they fade away.  Remember and write down everything you can to help you remember the silly things they do and say.  The sweet sounds of your baby's voices.  Live life.


http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/daxlocke

Nothing special

Nothing special going on.  Just life.  Just the normal....for us.  I had Jaemin's planning meeting yesterday at school.  He has his full speech evaluation the week before Christmas and we will hopefully hear from the occupational therapist soon, for her evaluation.  She warned me how hard it is to qualify by state standards and even though she agreed with me on his possible sensory issues unless he has other deficits he probably won't qualify. I'm just going to go with the flow and see how it all goes.  If he doesn't qualify now we can have him evaluated again at 4 years old, if we still feel he has things going on.  He has been doing really well lately in all of the other areas, so maybe things are starting to click for him a bit?  Every kid develops differently and at different times.  We just have to keep up.  I wouldn't trade him for the whole world.

Let's see.  We had Chelsi's Christmas program this week.  It was cute...kindergartners always are!  When we left one of the boys in her class yelled I love you from his mom's car.  I would normally have been taken aback, but he is one of the 1/2 Korean twins in her class and because there are rarely Asians in our school the 3 of them latched onto each other.  So, it was pretty cute.  He's pretty fascinated with her since she looks like his mom's family.  And well, Chelsi....she loves everybody and she'll tell you that.  Thank goodness for happy go lucky, sweet kids.

The other 3 are surviving the end of the 1st semester in school.  Cole will hopefully get through Spanish and then he'll move into computer class next semester, which I'm guessing he'll do much better in.  More his forte.  And he really seems to be enjoying wrestling and I'm so happy he is.  I hope he is able to stay in it since it seems to be doing so much for his esteem and happiness.  I want nothing more than his happiness.  Chase says school is getting harder.  They're trying harder to do a better job of preparing the middle schoolers for Freshman year, so I think they sort of switched gears on him.  So while he's not doing as well as he normally does we're trying to give him some room to figure it all out again and adjust.  Chase will do fine.  He always does.  He has a good, logical head.  Kaelin's still doing fine in school.  She gets a little overwhelmed with math sometimes.  It's just not her strong suite, but we're hoping if we keep quizzing her and helping her it will come easier with time.  She's smart, but sometimes she just doesn't have enough confidence in herself.  When she has confidence she can shock you with the things she says. 

I love normal and I'm glad Christmas is almost here.  I love seeing them so excited.  It's not like our kids get things year around, so I wait just for this day to see them get things they've been thinking about all year long.  So, here's to a very normal 2012.

Bundle of Nerves and a Great Day

Cole had his first wrestling tournament and first match and it was varsity.  Scary!  Most of these guys at the tournament had been wrestling well before high school.  I was so sick Friday and felt worse on Saturday.  I don't know if I coincidentally had a virus or if it was my nerves, but I really felt awful.  The little kids were REALLY good.  We had to drive 2 hours and were there from 9 to 4.  That's a lot for them.

So, onto Cole.  He lost his first match with a pin, but not very quickly.  He won his second match with a pin and lost his 3rd due to points.  He did EXCELLENT and I am so proud of him.  But, I have to say it was painful to watch.  Watching him turn red and look like he was in pain, which he reassured me he was not, just was scary for me.  I told him I didn't get a picture taken because I was too busy biting my nails.  He was glowing!  He was part of a team for the first time.  Cole never was supposed to compete in any high school sports.  We got this lifted for wrestling so he could live his life and he did.  I pray he gets to enjoy it for many years to come and his valve will wait for him.  But, if his valve doesn't wait he'll be okay.  We've already been talking about the possibility and to enjoy everything while it's here.

My boys is beyond tough in many ways.

My cup runneth over

I had entered a contest in mid-August.  I wrote a 150 word essay summing the last couple of years for us.  I wrote it and forgot about it and I didn't tell a soul.  Then, one month later, I got notice that my story was very popular and I should try for more votes.  So I did.  I worked hard trying to get more votes.  I entered the My Life Reader's Digest contest and lost.  I saw on their Facebook page the winner of the story and was a bit bummed it was not a profound story or even slightly interesting...at least to me.

But, I put Jaemin to bed tonight and sat on his bedside and just looked at him.  He's so beautiful and he makes me a million times happier than that $25,000 could have even if it did get us to Korea.  Even if we never get to go, I have him...my little piece of Korea.  I could sit and stare into those beautiful, thinking eyes for hours.  I love everything about Jaemin.  He is my miracle in life.  My blessing of a lifetime.  I would never have even thought and dwelled over Korea if it weren't for having 3 of my kids, so I'm thankful to them for another love in life and an interest in a journey and exploration.  I love my children and in the end, that's what I need.

Family Strengthening

We watch movies all the time together.  At least once a month we find something and sit down and eat on the living room floor to watching it together.  It's something all 7 can agree on pretty easily and no one every complains about.

With holidays always brings a certain amount of stress for both kids and parents.  They've been having a harder time getting along with one another.  Just little things, but growing more constant and definitely getting on our (the parents) last nerves.  So, we had a little sit down tonight and I have to say it was nice.  We picked a kid and had them say something they liked about another one.  Then, we asked them to say something about us.  We talked to them about kindness and manners and by the end of it they were going on and on with the compliments to each other and us. 

Another thing we talked about were friends.  We tried to tell them that the ones they have now are not necessarily the ones they'll have all their life.  They don't have to stay friends for the sake of having a friend.  They should enjoy that person and if the person changes they're not 'married'.  We told them how their friends reflect themselves and if one of their friends is not a nice person others will think they are not nice, in turn.  We told them they need to find happiness and friendship in each other.   They are built in friends for the rest of their lives and they will always get each other because they were together through it all.  They need to be proud of one another's accomplishments and not jealous.  They need to encourage each other along the way because they each have differing interests and strengths.  They seemed to start getting it.  I want to see them cheer each other on and be happy for the other one.  I told them that I have plenty to be jealous over my sweet younger sister, but I'm not.  I'm proud of  her.  I'm happy for her and I would only ever wish her happiness because it would hurt to see her or my brother hurt.  I don't want to see any of my siblings hurting. 

I pray by example, my children find happiness, bonding, encouragement and love in each other as they grow older together.  They are bonded by the two of us and the love we have for them.  I hope they always know this.

No progress...

and left frustrated.  The developmental pediatrician tried hard not to dismiss my concerns.  She said some occupational therapy couldn't hurt.  She thinks J is just 'intense'.  What she means is high spirited on the verge of ADHD, but I just don't know.  Then, I asked again about his sleep issues.  The melatonin is working wonders going to sleep, but again it's not meant to keep someone asleep.  She said to give him a little more to see if it at least keeps him asleep more than 2 hours. She then told me to get him out of my bed.  That this is best for him.  Developmentally, maybe.  Adoptive attachment wise, I'm not convinced.  All the research I've done and all the connections I've had with other adoptive families with kids with attachment issues reinforces to me that sleep is not something you mess with.  His cry when I try to get him to stay in my room is so sad and I just can't force him to sleep by himself.  He really does need me.  I don't know that those outside of adoption can understand the trauma kids in adoption go through and some just don't adjust like the majority do.  Some just need a little more for a little longer and I feel that that's my job to love him through this hard time he's having.  It doesn't help that his speech is delayed and he can't voice his issues to me.

My frustration is definitely not with J.  I'm frustrated that I don't feel able to help him sometimes and I want to so badly.  I pray she's right.  I pray that with time we'll see these huge strides in his emotional and social development.  I hope because that's all I have left now that we've ruled everything out except speech, which I am working on.  I love this little man of mine.

Jaemin is so insensitive sometimes

We're getting Jaemin evaluated for sensory processing disorder.  The developmental pediatrician mentioned it in passing in April, so I dismissed it too.  Since some things aren't changing much, I've been looking into a little further and they're going to see him again.  We'll see.  But, one thing that stands out is how Jaemin doesn't feel much pain.  He can fall flat on his face on our hardwood and not cry.  I was putting his socks on him and noticed dried blood on his big toe.  His nail was broken way back in the bed.  I don't know how or when he did it because he never cried.  He did flinch when I tried to pull it to see how bad it was, but that was it.  Poor baby.  He's so sweet.

Here's Jaemin donning his Cinderella bandaid.

Pajamas with Mom Party

I guess they've been doing this for a little bit.  I don't know if they did it when K was in kindergarten or not.  She never mentioned it.  Chelsi, however has been begging since she found out.  We went back to school last night and listened to the teacher read a book while we sat on a blanket in the gym, in our pajamas.  Then, we went into the cafeteria and Chelsi had some ice cream with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.  Then, we went back tot he gym and had blanket races.  I had to wrap Chelsi up in the blanket and drag her down the gym and back.  She was laughing so hard when we were done, I didn't think she'd quit.  She had so much fun.  She really is a fun girl.  She is literally friends with everyone.  All the boys AND girls come to talk to her and get her to sit with them.  And when it was all over we had moms coming up to meet the girl they hear about.  One boy's mom, in particular, came to tell Chelsi 'thank you' for helping her son to quit crying.  I thought there was only one boy that cried and she helped, but apparently there were 2!  She is quite the caring, sweet girl.  She kept fixing our blanket when we were sitting and her teacher came up and told me how organized she is.  She said her desk is immaculate and organized at all times.  She sweet, smart, beautiful and organized?  WOW!!

Here are the pictures from my little camera while we were at school, waiting to start.

Call me crazy

But, I'm behind Cole 100% on wrestling.  I did not go into this earlier.  I guess I was partially wanting to say if Cole stuck with it and partially because I wasn't sure what the docs would say.   Cole told us about a month ago he wanted to participate in wrestling.  I told him I didn't know if his PC (pediatric cardiologist) would allow it, but he looked at me and said 'push'.  This was our code.  I had promised if there was something he felt strong about I would push.  I called our family doc and they called the PC for us.  The nurse called back and said the PC's nurse said no....it's a contact sport.  I got her number and called myself.  I asked her to please check, personally, with the PC because we've told Cole no to everything for 14 years.  I guess after watching him suffer through the loss of playing football, just after he got the okay and seeing him socially struggle just hurt me too much for him.  I told her I needed him to be able to live. No one knows how long they have and I just wanted him to enjoy his life, whatever it may be.  She called back and said he said okay with strict instructions on weight lifting and no weight loss efforts to make weight (i.e. losing weight by sweat and water loss which could kill him because of his heart function).  So with that understanding and a very careful and important talk with Cole it was a go.  We turned in the papers he wrote up to the coach and Cole's been running 2 miles at practice and lifting some weights.  He's so tired, but seems so much happier.  And now when his grades slip a little he's more receptive to our nagging to get them back up or else.  He knows what the or else is.  I bought his wrestling shoes Thursday after work, so he's really ready to go now.  What possessed him to do this?  I have no idea. He has no friends participating, but I'm so happy for him to find something that makes him feel like he belongs and he's happy....genuinely happy.  We even had the talk to remind him that he should enjoy every single second.  If he has to have his surgery it could be over.  Enjoy every second as it happens in case it ends.  And maybe he'll get all 4 years of it.  Who knows.  Only God knows. 

Happy Halloween---2011

Have a spooky Halloween!

Pumpkins for the porch

After our interview (we did one for a local news broadcast this morning for a contest) the boys needed to get their pumpkins carved before they ran out of time. Last year I bought 5 little pumpkins and they were difficult to carve, to say the least. Those may be great for pies, but impossible to carve up. This year, we decided to forgo the headache and just get two bigger ones for the big boys to carve. The little kids always have so much Halloween stuff to do anyways.

Cole knew he wanted to do his gross pumpkin again, no matter what. Chase decided on a Bass Pro one. So, Chase drew up the fish as he always does so quickly. I carved it out for him, since he wasn't sure where to put the breaks. He attempted the words, I attempted the words and after we both failed we stuck the pumpkin back together and decided just to let the light shine through to the words. It still turned out good....I thought. After the boys went with Brian on a hayride we lit them up with a couple of lights and they looked GREAT! Wish I could have gone on the hayride, but the doctor doesn't want any excuses while I'm on steroids why my voice is still waivering. The littles and I watched a movie together, so it was all fine.

Here are the cool pics.

 

Ode to Chase's favorite store....Bass Pro

Sneak Peek Halloween 2011

It's Trunk or Treat time, so the littlest 3 and I headed out to a couple of churches for some free fun and candy.  One had a bounce house and fire trucks, so Jaemin was in Heaven and the girls wore themselves out in the bounce house.  It was a little too much for Jaemin who climbed out early.

Kaelin didn't want to go in the fire truck, so here's Jaemin and Chelsi.

You just have to laugh at her sometimes

Kaelin isn't a complicated girl.  That can be bad, that can be good, and that can definitely be funny!

I was cleaning downstairs because Brian's putting up a ceiling....finally.  Anyways, I saw a Leapster game under the desk and asked her to get it.  She picked it up and when I saw all the dust bunnies attached to it I told her to put the game away, but throw them down.  But, really it's HOW I asked her.  I said, 'oh, it has dirt, throw it down'.  Yep, she threw the game on the floor.  I guess she thought the dust would come off.  When she game the look I knew she was going to do it and Chase and I both busted out laughing.  It was so dang funny!

HIS bed

This is Jaemin's floor bed.  This is the ONLY way he'll even attempt to sleep in his room at night.  He has a big bed and toddler bed.  He prefers his toddler bed for nap, but the floor for night.  Then, of course, he migrates to my room if he wakes up.

Too cute, the little bed he makes for himself.

As a matter of fact

This is my Chelsi. She is so practical and matter of fact in her small, logical mind. We sweetly call her little Mary sunshine because that's her personality. Happy as can be 99% of the time. We had parent-teacher conferences tonight and everywhere we go she says hi to everyone and everyone knows who she is and she follows it by 'that is my friend so and so'. I asked her, after we got home, if there was anyone in her class she wasn't friends with. She quickly said 'wwweeellll...there are two boys'. I was thinking okay here's the dish. Then, she said 'I haven't really had a chance to talk to them yet'. It's like she's interviewing everyone first. It was so funny and so cute and she just cracks me up!

On a side note all their conferences went well. Cole's said that he's doing well and paying attention. I don't think you can really expect a ton of feedback in high school unless there are major issues. Kaelin's we talked about working a different way in math, but how she was excelling in her reading fluency. She's has definitely done well there in the past 2 years. Chelsi's accomplished all of the kindergarten goals already and will start accelerated reading tests this quarter. She's super excited. Chase's report from all teachers was that he's finally coming out of his shell and is a respectful child that they love having in their class.

So, I would say tonight was a great success that made this mom proud and happy for all 4 of my school kids. Love you guys forever.

Time is short

My mom always told me I wished my life away.  And now that I'm in the throws of being a mom I know exactly what she meant.  It goes by all too quickly.  It seems like yesterday I brought Cole home and here we are 14 1/2 years later with 4 more after him.  I've spent the past year working only 1/2 time....20 hours/week.  I'm here to tell you this is the absolute perfect schedule.  It's enough to still work and bring home a paycheck, but so much more time with the kids.  And since it does all go by too quicklly, it's wonderful moments and times I get to see them come home from school, pick them up or spend alone time with Jaemin (and Chelsi before kindergarten).  I'm returning fulltime to work and it's not because I want to it's because I must.  We've been living off our savings to supplement nearly no income from me and unfortuantely without frills living requires both of 'our' incomes.

But, I will forever and ever be thankful for this past year.  Thankful that my office allowed it for me.  Thankful to my mom, my stepdad and Brian's mom for keeping the kids on my work days for no cost.  Thankful I got one year of  glimpse of what I had always dreamed of.  Thankful for one year for Jaemin to get a little more time bonding and attachment.  Thankful for more time with the older kids to get to know a little better.  And thankful for one year for life to slow down a bit and have time to keep up with it all.

Today is my last part time day home with Jaemin.  I'm spending his naptime trying to do one last chore I wanted to get done; burn our videos.  I've been going through and watching some older ones and wow how the kids have changed and grown and they are beautiful.  I miss their mini voices when the big kids were youger.  I can still see how their personalities then are a lot like they still are today.....they're just bigger.  I love my kids so much and am so thankful that they're mine; exactly who they are.

Here's a short video from today.  Jaemin got out the playdough last night.  He wanted to do it this morning when we got home from getting the big kids to school and grocery shopping.  So, that we did.  Then, he found a Korean video that he really liked watching over and over and over again.  He's my sweetie, that's for sure.  I wish every mom could have just one year with each of their kids to have the freedom to bond and enjoy with little guilt.  It's a dream come true that every mom deserves and I'm lucky to have been on the receiving end of this.  It's back to reality, but I have memories to last forever.

Bye for now. 

I'm a coupon clipper

I admit it.  But I suppose today it's the 'in' thing to do, right?  I got better about it while I was working part time. I mean I had time during naps to try to clip some.  I could save $20-50 month.  That's all I managed.  Today I watched my first episode of Extreme Couponing out of curiosity.  After I saw these women buying hundreds of items I couldn't help but wonder who they got hundreds of coupons to make those items free.  I mean I've rarely found any coupons making things free in the past year, even at sale price with a rare double allowed.  So I remembered my friend Google.  I found this article on it and I have to say it made me feel a ton better.  Basically, it's pretty much a facade so television can get it's ratings.  I've never seen coupons for the stuff on my grocery list anyways; red beans, black beans, frozen veggies, fresh fruit, etc.  It's a good read.  Check it out.

What can I say?

Today, I'm....well.....officially annoyed.  I had to put in about a month ago to return full time to work.  We just can't continue to deplete our savings to pay bills and my out-of-pocket for medical is going up again next year.  We finally heard after a week of my boss and I prodding, that I was denied.  We're still trying to find out what happened and she's pretty sure it will get overturned, but I have to wait until later this week to find out what happened and what's going to happen to me.  So, I spent Friday night freaking and stressing out.  I loved having this year to spend time with Jaemin and I would do it indefinitely, but unfortunately life happens and bills need paid.  There's no amount we can cut to be able to do that and still have our small house to live in.  I never did hear about the other job I'd applied for. I obviously know I didn't get it, but would still love to know why I wasn't considered.

Now, after losing my voice and getting progressively raspy for the past 2 or 3 months I had to go to urgent care.  I was trying to wait until tomorrow, but I felt too bad this morning to wait.  Brian likes my sexy phone voice, but I can't breath.  The doctor was completely shocked at the amount of allergy meds I'm on, including Advair for my breathing, and I still managed to get severe bronchitis into pneumonia.  So, now I have a temp, which I rarely run, and got put on antibiotics and steroids and sent home to get better.  It's so frustrating to not be able to breath.  I love being outside at this time of year, but this time of year is my enemy out there.  My chest absolutely burns like it's on fire and he said my airways and lungs are completely inflamed.  I'm not contageous, but I'm sure people are afraid of me when they hear how bad my cough is.  After 13 years of shots and daily meds (3 different meds a day) plus my albuterol inhalder right now I'm completely annoyed that I can still get this sick and feel this bad.  And obviously the nurse practitioner at my allergy docs office was wrong when she said the steroid shot she gave me 3 months ago would easily last 4 months when I was having trouble back then.  I'd scream, but it takes entirely too much energy!

My baby's transition

Jaemin's crib has been removed from my room....because he really was only using it as a jungle gym.  But, now that he's sleeping with me all the time I was hoping to get some leverage out of it.  He, well, is NOT a morning person.  He fights it so hard.  He really doesn't like taking off his diaper to go potty.  That requires far too much effort.  I told him that IF he doesn't start going potty willingly when he wakes up he'll have to sleep in his bed.  Because he just wants me to shut up in the morning he immediately says okay. 

Tonight's the night.  I tried it last night, but he snuck into my room and snuggled into bed.  Tonight I got smart and locked my bedroom door.  He really hasn't fussed about it, though we all know he doesn't like sleeping in his bed.  I kept checking on him and he just looks so....I don't know the words.  Like he's just given up.  Thrown in the towel, though I doubt that's actually true knowing Jaemin.  He'd rearrange himself in bed and give that 'huh' sound as he laid down.  It was so darn cute that Brian had to remind me to stay strong and leave him in there.  Mostly because we both know that sometime in the night he will wake up and come in my room again.

All with patience and in stages, right?  We'll get there one day and at the very least I hope to have a dry boy through the night and be permanently and forever done with diapers in this house!

cell phones and your kids

My oldest is 14 1/2.  Somehow I've gotten off real easy with cell phones.  He has only asked 2 or 3 times over the years about when, but never a fight, argument, rude remark.  We decided that he turned 15 he should have a Tracfone so he could get used to the responsibility of having a cell and the usage on it.  But, he threw us and decided he wants to Wrestle (if his cardiologist lets him).  Practice starts this week, so we decided to get me something else and start him with mine now.  Cole got his birthday present over 5 months early along with a lecture of how the rules work.  He was all smiles.  I mean it's crazy, but there are 1st graders at school with phones.  NUTS!

The 11 year old came down while we were discussing and asked what it was about.  I then said "I suppose you want too now".  He looked at me like I was crazy and scoffed.  He said "I don't want a phone."  I said can you wait 'til you're a freshman too?  And thankfully he said he could.

The deal is he uses this phone until he turns 16 and it goes to our pantry every night to charge where I can get to it and I can check calls and texting.  Then, he can decide what to do after he turns 16 and gets a job.  I told him either I could continue to pay for his Tracfone, in full, and he could learn to budget 1100 minutes a year or he could get a Go Phone or some other plan and I'll pay for a portion of it.  This will give him a lot of time to think about it and start budgeting his money or ideas of money he may have.

Good life lesson for him and one thankful mom that I don't have kids that have to have it and have it NOW!

Beautiful Days

I'm taking comfort, today, in the notion and belief that there are beautiful days ahead always. This is the belief that gets me through anything or has in the past.  I try not to think about what may or may not happen so much.  Try is the key word.

I've been trying to get some help for our ADHD child.  We have a backup prescription ready for the first time in 7 years of dealing with this.  We're still going to give the vitamins more time.  He's only been on them for 1 week, so hopefully we'll see some changes.  I've had a lengthy phone conversation with the school counselor and she has assured me that all of the kids in his grade are having major transition issues.  She did at least tell me that he can stop Spanish class at semester and take ASL next year as his foreign language.  If he feels he needs to give up, I think I'm going to let him.  He's such a visual learner and even with our help is struggling.  ADHD gets better as they get older in some ways, but there's always something new with it that they have to learn to deal with.  I'm hoping we can stay off meds, but I'm not ruling it out either.  I have a call into the coordinator for special services to have them test his reading/writing ability to make sure there's nothing else going on after speaking to another specialist today.

My little many's behavior has, in many ways, gotten worse over the last week or so.  I didn't feel any choice but to call around to see how we can help him further.  The development ped in April only found him to have mild expressive speech delay, but was unsure about his behavioral oddities.  I have an email to her nurse to make sure she doesn't think anything of him still having the same tendencies, with no real changes, now that he's 3.  3 is such a magic number.  In so many ways they seem older and really into the throws of toddlerhood instead of infant, but he almost seems more trapped there.  My cuddly little boy still doesn't quite know how to make friends or look at me, consistently, when I talk to him.  There are seldom long gazes.  But at 3, I can get him help.  So, the school is also supposed to call me back about evaluating him.  My guess is still on the spectrum of Aspergers.  I confirmed my mother in law, who has a daycare, thought the same thing.  If we can get him evaluated by the school then we can get some help from a great center for special needs. 

So as I talked to several specialists in several areas and described two of my boys, I teared.  Not all in out crying, but tears as I realized in my words there were so many truths that I so badly don't want to believe, but I do.  I hurt for them both and hope they will be okay, mostly socially.  I love my children with a passion that makes it hurt that much more when I have fears about them.  So, I sit back, take a deep breath and decide that another beautiful day is coming and they will be okay.

Fall

I really do love fall. The weather's nice enough to get stuff done and pretty enough to actually enjoy being outside. We enjoyed watching Chase's football game Saturday. Win or lose it's always enjoyable watching one of my boys play. I hope to have many years of that between the boys.

We came home and worked on the house for 4 hours. Dirt digging, hard manual labor with many blisters. All we need is the rocks and the very back of the house will look nice. I have so many other things in mind we need to do, but we need money and time. We'll see what all we can get to.

After we got done Brian grilled our burgers and dogs and we had a nice, leisurely dinner together. I mean we always eat our dinners together, but there was no where to rush off to and we could just enjoy. We chit chatted and laughed. It was really nice.

Hoping for many, many more days like today this fall.

Perfection and Imperfection

In connection with my last post, I wanted to say that my children have perfections and imperfections.  I don't even know them all yet as some of them are still very young.  I'm learning to appreciate all of these imperfections as I'm getting to see more of their perfections, knowing that no one person is perfect.

I'm here to talk openly about it.  I won't say anything that will hurt my child or try not to, just to make other parents realize they are not alone.  Half the battle of parenting is realizing that you are not the only one with imperfect children so you can feel better and quit beating yourself up.  I know I beat myself up, plenty as a parent even when I know I'm not alone, thinking I should be a better parent then I try so hard to be.  I want to be a perfect parent to my children and I'm finding I'm not capable of that.  I'm hoping that as long as I'm trying my best, though, God will understand and my kids will forgive me for my lacking areas. 

What do I love about them and really, strongly dislike about them?  Hmmm?

• Cole is great at giving us dirty looks when he dislikes our parental decisions or really to anybody he feels has wronged him.  Cole has a short fuse with his siblings, but I don't think can really imagine his life without them.  I wish he had a stronger ability to show his love for members of his family, on his own.  Cole has a strong will that has kept him surviving with a heart condition that could have kept him down or worse.  Cole has worked hard to try to live with his ADHD and do things that others can do with ease.  Cole is working to accept the live God gave him and the things his heart prohibits him from doing while his peers do freely.  You have to think highly of a teenager who has to deal with such an adult issue.  Even adults wouldn't deal that great with this.  I have high hopes for Cole.  Because he's been through so much he has tools young adults don't come into adulthood with and this will make him better and stronger if he allows it.  Cole can talk to adults like a young adult already.  Cole is pretty funny, but doesn't always have the confidence to show it to everyone.  Cole has some common sense that will help in as he gets older and as a teenager especially.
• Chase has a knack for throwing great tantrums.  He's the only one that gets mad enough to use his words and say "I hate you" to us.  He's really good about finding something else to do when work needs done around the house, but works hard if they're outside and work needs done for someone else.  Chase still hugs and kisses his mom goodnight and I know he'll find it bad that I put this in writing, but it's a great thing to a mom and he won't understand until he's a dad how many parents always want hugs and kisses from their kids no matter how old.  Chase is a funny, fairly confident kid that can be anywhere and have fun.  Chase is a good athlete, but doesn't let that rule who he is and remembers his brother and his limits and I believe he realizes how lucky he is to do the sports he wants without his brother's limits.  I'm thankful he doesn't make it a big deal to Cole and Chase's sweet heart keeps him from making it a big deal so Cole doesn't feel any worse.  Chase is a creative artist.  This creativity will far beyond art.
• Kaelin.  She is a dingy replica of her aunt.  Sorry M, but she looks like you and acts like you and that's not a bad thing because I love you too.  Kaelin can be a leader, but with her friends is often a follower and wish she were more confident to lead.  Kaelin is drama almost 24/7.  Kaelin can make wrong choices and hide them well.  Kaelin is sometimes too agreeable and doesn't always verbalize how she really feels and what she really wants.  This can be good and bad, but most parents what to know the truth of their child's feelings.  Kaelin doesn't always like to take responsibility and own her bad choices.  Kaelin is BEAUTIFUL; inside and out.  Kaelin has her own style and I hope she'll always be confident enough to go with it and believe in herself.  Kaelin is a good person, she just needs a little more belief in herself  to show everyone who she is and they can see what we already know about her.  Kaelin is really funny.  It's fairly subtle sometimes, but it's truthful and funny all at the same time without being hurtful to anyone.  Kaelin's the kids that's on top of things and prepared.  
• Chelsi is a little emotional.  Chelsi has a temper and can't walk semi-quietly, for such a little body, to save her life.  Chelsi has a tendency to be so smart that when she acts her age you want to get mad at her, but then have to remember how old she really is and that she's just normal sometimes.  Chelsi still looks like the sweet baby I brought home 5 1/2 years ago.  She has that sweet round face that my mom told me I always had and I was the only one of the grandkids to get the round face my great grandma always thought was so beautiful.  Chelsi's jokes are innocent yet written for adult funny.  She gets everything and you can just talk with her.  She is so proud of her little brother and is so happy to have him with her and she makes sure we know she loves him; though she yells at him often enough.  Chelsi is still a cuddler. 
• 
  
• Jaemin is Jaemin.  We say this often because he is the only one like himself.  He is a one of a kind kid. He's so stubborn, wild and unruly.  Sometimes he seems to catch onto things slower than his peers, but out of the blue will let you know he knows it.  He's quirky and beyond active.  Jaemin can take time to stop in for a hug or a kiss.  Jaemin is huge fan of anything ball; baseball, football, basketball.  Jaemin is almost always smiling; 5 minutes after he's in trouble or mad he's smiling again.  Jaemin is growing up too fast for his mommy.

The thing my kids all have in common is that they are all smart.  Varying degrees, yes, but they are smart and have a lot of academic capabilities.  My kids all, even though they don't want to admit it, have a love for each other and will help each other when one another really need it.  My kids are all loving, beautiful kids.  I love talking to my kids.  I love our individual talks we have.  They remind me that they think far more than we give them credit for sometimes and make me realize that they're becoming great people...or remind me of that better yet.  My kids all make me crazy, but give me reasons everyday to make me remember how much I love them and am thankful for them the way they are.  My kids are exactly who God meant them to be and always will be.  They are a beautiful mess of perfection and imperfection gift wrapped and ready to be opened slowly.

"After the Airport"

I don't want to hog the bittersweet day that today is; being my son's birthday which is a good day for us and most probably a sad day for his birth parents in Korea.

I wanted to give notice to this blog article written by another adoptive mother.  This article holds so much truth.  First in her appreciation for homeschooling mothers.  I couldn't even imagine what it takes to homeschool your own child and to the point that can get to college to succeed.  I couldn't do it, but sometimes wonder if their input would help all of the struggling public schools as they seem to do it well for the most part.

 Mostly, I want to address this article in the truth that it holds for a lot of adoptive parents, me included. I'm fairly truthful here and in my life because I wear my heart on my sleeve, but no one wants to whine about the child they've wanted and prayed for for so long.  Even if it's just a bad day, no one wants anyone to think, for a second, that they are not thankful or don't appreciate those children they admittedly have been blessed with.  No one.  But some days, you just need to be able to say what this author said. 

Are we blessed with our 5?  No doubt in my mind.  Do I love everyone of them?  Absolutely.  I even had someone ask me, not too long ago, point blank if I had a favorite child.  While, some years ago when I only had younger children I might have said yes.  I admit that I used to think I did.  A couple of children and many years ago though.  Now?  I love pieces of everyone of them and I dislike pieces of everyone of them.  They're not perfect and with this imperfection comes desirable behaviors and undesirable behaviors.  I love stages that each one has gone through, each differently, and dislike stages each one of them have gone through.  But, mostly I will tell you that with our happy family of 7 are struggles.  If a parent, even without adoption, doesn't admit this I think they're lying, but hey I could be wrong?

I think we were sort of dealt struggle from step 1.  We lost our first child and our first born was born with a heart defect that required open-heart surgery.  We were young enough back then to take it fairly in stride.  So I do feel like we dealt with that well.  We were too young and naive to worry like I would today.  Our adoptions have never been a struggle when it came to paperwork process.  There were never those awful delays that made a parent wonder if they'd ever be united with their child.  But, I do admit I think I had a bit of post-adoption depression once.  My TMJ amplified the issue and at times I wondered what we had done.  There are times that the behavior of a coupe of our children make me question whether it's due to the losses and adoption processes or just their personality.  Our youngest wears me out to the bone.  I've never been so exhausted in my life, parenting him and I'm not THAT old.  He's just one of those active children that can be tired and still run circles around you. He struggles with language, is mildly delayed.  This is not a big issue, but his way of dealing with it is yelling or hitting to compensate for his frustration.  He's always been a hitter, since he came home from Korea.  It's gotten better and you can't blame him if you imagine what he's been through being separated from everything and everyone he knows and loves.  That is no longer an issue, but the behavior remains intact and we're left to deal with it.

All of this said, and this is not my life by a long shot, I love my children and couldn't imagine one of them not in my life.  I can, however, back up what the author of the article above was trying to say.  After parents come home with adopted children, they lose the support they had while in process.  This is when it gets hardest.  This is when the family and the child is trying to attach and get to know each other and these are the most complicated process pieces of adoption.  I don't care how good of parents they are they need support and help.  Everyone thinks adoption is different because the child is older than a newborn.  Not so.  You have to treat your child as a newborn of sorts so they can go through all of the processes their brains need to build those emotional attachments to their new family and surroundings.  But, the families get abandoned with no help while families with newborns get help.  My opinion is that at least newborns sleep a lot.  These kids are coming home walking, active, and ready to go.  These families are emotionally and physically drained by the time the kids come home and they've still got the hardest job ahead of them. 

Someone I know said to me just two weeks after Jaemin came home that I was "strung out".  Honestly, it hurt and it hurt bad.  She didn't know me well enough to say it first of all and second I'm allowed to be a little tired after stepping off of a plane and a 24 hour journey with a 9 month old 20 lb active boy just two weeks prior that wasn't sleeping because it was his daytime.  So, in addition to what the author of "After the Airport" has to say I want to add give newly united adoptive families a break!  Until you've been there with a stranger in your home that you have to get to know you don't know.  Instead, maybe ask if they could use some help; a meal, some laundry done....anything.  You have no idea how many offers are just words into the wind offers where there are no good intentions behind them.  When we've had our kids and Brian had his accidents we had offer after offer to help with this and help with that and nothing ever came to fruition.  I was a good thing I was always too busy to care enough to think about it or I probably would have been sorely hurt.

I'm getting sort of random now, but really wanted to point to this article that was really well worded about a families needs after children arrive.  I echo support of her article; every piece of it rings so true.

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/after-the-airport

Happy Birthday to my youngest two babies!

It's almost like having twins, but because they're not, you have to separate out their birthdays....or so I feel anyways.

Jaemin's birthday is tomorrow and Chelsi's is Monday.  They are exactly 3 years apart.  I still can't believe my baby boy is 3.  Wow.  Where the heck did the time go.  I really don't have little babies anymore.  It's a chapter closed.  We decided since today was a really rainy day and everyone was tired from being out in the rain at the football game we would just celebrate their birthdays tonight.  I made a small cake for Jaemin with Mickey Mouse on it like he wanted and picked out and made princess cupcakes for Princess Chelsi.  They each got to blow out their candles separately and we went ahead and let them open presents....okay I admit it, I couldn't wait.  They already got their presents from one of the grandmas anyways.  Both Chelsi and Jaemin got some great gifts already.

It took Jaemin a full three tries to blow out all 3 candles and we're pretty sure there was spit involved.  Oh well.  Cake was still good.  :)

Happy birthday my two sweet babies.  You are and always will be a blessing to us.