Seoul My Soul

This is the theme for Seoul right now and it’s so true. I’ve been lax on sharing because it’s just been a lot. We’ve taken in so much, felt so much and done so much. I had a major crying breakdown the couple of days before we left. I had been thinking about Cole a lot and the dam finally broke on the Friday we left at her agency. I just went to the bathroom and sat on the floor and let it out. It’s so hard to enjoy something you’re supposed to while you miss someone so much. I think by then we were really missing the others in our family and this just amplified my sadness. 

I did my best to not bring Chelsi down and keep going and have fun with her. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 2 1/2 months. Take it til you make it doesn’t work so well with grief though. 

Here are the rest of the Seoul photos. 

Ramen Library in Hongdae 

Where Daniel Dae Kim are

Starfield Library Coex

Best hotteoks

Drone show on the river

Communal eating everywhere

Nanta!

Mochi. Yum

Masks so cheap 

Baskin Robins

Mangwon Market. So good for eating and less crowded than Gwangjang 

Insadong (arts)

Yeongjongdo Rail Bike. Really fun and beautiful walk nearby. Just have to learn to take the bus but if you use City Mapper app it will tell you which stop your bus is approaching so that you can get off. 

Hongdae eats and walks. Always where we stay 

Walk to Yongma Waterfall Park in Seoul. Very pretty walk and park. 

Gwangjang Market then eat and walk on Cheonggyecheon Stream and rest 

Return to Seodaemun Prison for Cole.  He picked that on the trip he came on and Chelsi didn’t remember it. So sad. The history is amazing. And we met a nice 88 year old gentleman outside, Mr Park who showed us photos of his grandson who was born and raised in the US. He wanted to practice English on us. He taught himself just so he could talk to his grandson who knows no English. 

Naksan Mountain walk on the wall trail

Sunset is awesome from here

Seoullo 7017

Starbucks for my first time. 

Airport food at Incheon super cheap and good!

Never flown at night. Goodbye Seoul

I live

 here a lot of days. 

It’s a bizarre place to be. I’m happy and living life and then think of him. I try to block out the sad thoughts so I don’t make others sad around me. I try to push through the crowd of sorrow that swells in my head.  And then the dam breaks. I can no longer hold any of it back. It pours out like a gate opened and the water crashes into a valley that’s been dry. 

I am well aware I can’t escape my grief.  I just haven’t quite figure out how to control some of it. There’s no good timing for it. I should live in my moments with my family but feeling his absence is sometimes just too much….too hard. Everything I do is behind hidden tears.  Tears I cry by myself. Away from everyone   I don’t want everyone to know or see how often or how much it still happens.  I know it’s okay. It doesn’t make it easier. Part of the process is learning I guess. 

Little chill day

We decided to chill today. Visited her agency for a file review and are hoping her foster mother can see us before we leave. She had a medical emergency but this is likely our last visit. They told her later this year she can pursue a birth search so she’ll think about that.  

We laid around a bit after that and then went to Mangwon Market to find food. Definitely came back with some yummy snacks for under $16 including the Pepsis from 7-11. And we were so full. Still hoping to find a good hotteok but those are easier to find on a rainy day. 

Took another break and short nap and then went to Insadong to see if we could find some good art.  There were shops closed already so we may have to return during the day.  Found some gifts though.

Our Airbnb this stay  small but typical.

Keeping this to always remember the sounds of Seoul

So I said that it was chill?  I checked my watch and we just barely walked less than yesterday. 🤷‍♀️

 

We came….we have much to eat

 

Did I mention we flew Delta One?  It was awesome treat for sure.  I lucked across $699 upgrades.  That meant eating and waiting in the Sky Lounge in Minneapolis WAY more comfortably. But it also meant having a suite in the plane with doors and lots of storage space and being able to go from sitting to lying flat or anywhere in between on the 13+ hour ride to Incheon. It will be hard to fly economy on our mileage Korean Air tickets to Hawaii next week. But they were free so no complaints. 

A day and a half in Seoul. Maybe not that much.  We arrived arrived to our apartment around 430pm.  We settled and went to eat and check out Hongdae shopping. We decided right then this trip was going to be about eating and shopping and maybe a couple of new and old things. We’ve done a lot over the past 3 trips!  But this is our last so a bit more relaxed and completely unplanned. 

Had Cole not passed away I likely would have planned it. But all we had were the tickets at the time and I lost the ability to care about planning a trip after all of that. Heck I cried on the plane. Some young man boarded our first ride and smiled real big like Cole and I lost it. Chelsi was already asleep so she didn’t notice. The poor guy beside me was trying to avoid me while I tried to suck all my sadness and tears in. I did NOT expect this. 

We have been eating well. Bibimbap our first night. And it was so good. Last night we had a Kimbap type thing and tiny dumplings fried and then covered in a spicy sauce with fries, at the ballpark no less. All of the food and drinks we had at the game, including game tickets, were just over $30 combined. The cheerleaders and MC were as fun as always. The game was fun but then it was sort of a blow out so we left a little early. Back on the subway by 930 and that was the most crowded I’ve ever seen one. No space at all. 

We picked up some shopping items at Goto underground shopping mall.  It’s literally floors below the surface. Sometimes you don’t realize how deep a subway goes until you go up a couple floors or more and are still not street level. 

Onto a new day. Her foster mother had her appendix out this week so that visit has been canceled. We’re hoping she can reschedule before we go but don’t know yet. 

Graduation party #4

 

I didn’t get everyone but got most. She had a great time so that was all that mattered!

Thankful and blessed

 A friend wanted to stop by before they left on their trip and we left on ours to get these to us. What I love about these special gifts is that Cole would have loved these but they’re so pretty I do too.  The little lantern is perfect for me to see on our deck from our living room. And the custom wooden box just took my breath away.  I had that tiny jewelry box I had given our son many years ago that my great great grandpa made. When we got it back we put some of his small things in there but I still had some things that I wanted to keep that were just in my cedar chest waiting for this.  It was perfect. I held back the tears somewhat. Not so much because I was so sad again but because of the thought for these gifts and the beauty of them in memory of our son. We have really been confirming the greatness of our long time friends.

#morememories #bestfrirnds #lovedones

One more last time

 

Her and I had always planned to go back. The other two said they’re not feeling a need anymore. We always leave this up to them when and if we save enough to go back. 

Then in January the tickets dropped and we decided to grab them. We made all of our reservations and had it ready to go when Cole passed.  I was on the fence about leaving after that. Mostly just felt too sad at the time to think about anything enjoyable. But if we don’t just use our tickets now it will just get harder after she starts nursing school with clinical and working. 

I had always seen travel blogs and social media accounts where people get inexpensive upgrades. We’ve never flown anything but economy to Seoul. It’s not great but it works. I happened to checked early one morning and I snagged Delta One for $699. We’re getting our last flight to Korea in a suite for about the same price as we always paid for Korean Air economy!  The Delta One flights are usually $9/10,000 per ticket. Check out my blog for more info.  

This will likely be our final trip.  We have worked very hard to save money (and lots of credit card cashback bonus’s) to do this but it had to end at some point.  I, of course, have made it very clear they decide to return as adults and want me there I will always be willing, if possible   

Stay tuned for lots of pictures  

#flyinstyle #deltaone #seoultravel

Don’t blink

 

They grow up just that fast. Just like that my second to last is out of high school. 

I really didn’t expect to get emotional at graduation. I never have in the past. But I wasn’t expecting what she did. The older kids always bought and brought me a rose during the ceremony. She had three in her hand so I assumed she had bought one for me and one for her grandmas.  She gave me mine and then gave her little brother one and then gave me the last and told me it was for her oldest brother we lose two months ago.  That explained why she was crying before she got to me and then it was all over for me. Our son wouldn’t have been able to make her graduation with work so it wasn’t a particularly emotional event until then.

And little brother admitted to me that he would have been disappointed if she hadnt given him one. He’s going to miss her!

 I love my girls and they are definitely an inspiration. 

#mydaughters #graduation #imisshim

TSA packing tips

 

Pretty self explanatory on packing more liquid toiletries into a one quart TSA size bag. AND packing medication!  

Another first….Mother’s Day

 

My son wasn’t usually home for Mother’s Day. He always had plans to be here over Memorial Day and knew I didn’t like him on the road too much. 

A lot of times the day was sprinkled with a graduation, my middle son’s birthday, visiting their grandmas or really not doing anything. This year was so different. I was missing an important phone call that I always got.  It was replaced with very thoughtful Mother’s Day wishes from friends and family who didn’t normally say anything.  But there was never a need to. Oddly, while it made me cry, it made me feel better.  My kids worked together to make the day special. I shared it with my middle son’s birthday once again which always has made me happy. He was my Mothers Day gift I brought home 24 years ago on actual Mother’s Day.  He had his girlfriend over to spend time with her but then she left to be with her mom and I had all 4 of my kids to myself.  We all spent time blowing up floaties and then lounging around the pool together for the first swim of the season.  It was quiet and nice.  I wore my son’s Metallica shirt to feel him with me that day.  I felt okay with the day.  

It doesn’t mean I don’t still have days like today where a song came on the radio and I cried on my way to work, walking into my office with tears still in my eyes. But suppressing this will do no good. Shoving it down as I sometimes do, to get by, can’t be done constantly.  I have kids to live for. I have kids to be strong for. But sometimes I know it’s okay for them to see how much losing one of them hurts and means to me.  I will always love every one of them unconditionally. I always have. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there who still have their kids and big hugs to those who don’t.  

#mothersday #motherslove #momgrief 

One last stand

 

We left at 8:15am. Will return about 8:15pm. All to watch her compete in the 4x800 and 4x400 her senior year. First and last events of every meet. But worth all of this for the past four years.  She and her team are going to state.  And some records were broken by some of the kids. Great day for them. 

Her freshman year she went as a 4x400 alternate.  This year she earned her way in both events and has done that for three years now.  Proud of her and the team.

 #tracklife #supportingourkids #itsmay

Count down

 Counting down for so many things.  One kid finishing his first year of his first full time job. One finishing junior year of college getting ready for her first two summer internships.  One graduating high school and finishing her final and 4th year of track as the two before her did.  And one finishing his freshman year of high school.  Despite what has happened this year they all 4 stayed strong and finished strong   I’m so proud of their strength and resilience.  It will serve them well through life because as our family well knows an easy life is never promised and rarely realized.

We’re leaving soon for one of my happy places. It’s just my daughter and I. Our first trip just the two of us but we’ve been planning this for awhile.  Not literally planning but intending to go.  And I got my flags out of the garage for Spring. Yes. You cannot see the US flag but it’s in the photo. I have them in the respectful flag order. But I always want my Korean born kids to also be proud that they are Korean American. 

#patriotism #countdowntovacation  #senioryearwinddown

Beautiful reminders

 Everyone needs friends like these.  We couldn’t be more thankful for everything they have done for us to get us through the unthinkable. The unfathomable.  Between this bench on the water and the wind chimes ringing in the breezes to remind us of our beautiful son; it helps.  I couldn’t love these thoughtful gifts more. 

 #rememberthem #lostson #mychildrenaremylife

Good days

 

Yep. Good days.  We are having them and feeling God’s comfort and warmth. I’m more thankful than ever for every day the kids are with us.  I always was but I guess I’m just more conscious of it than ever.  Another 9 hour day of track that’s exhausting it well spent with some of the people I love dearly and after 9 years of having of 1-2 kids in track consistently it’s drawing to a close.  I’ve also learned , after losing Cole, not to dread the busy days of running or long days of sitting all day to watch their minute or two of shining.  It’s easy to not see that when you’re in the throes of parenting and maybe you have more kids to juggle at one time than feels doable. It’s okay. I promise.  Just do it and enjoy it. 

The kids did amazing today. The boys took 2nd overall and the girls took 3rd overall.  Her and her relays for the 4x400 and 4x800 were district champs!

#tracklife #lifegrowth #family 

Bad hair days among other things

 This is why the older I get I put less effort in my hair. Minutes after being outside it’s nothing but frizz and curls. I’d love to embrace the curls but they’re not even so no matter what my hair looks flat on top and frizzy and curly on the bottom.  

I’m trying really hard to no longer sweat the small stuff.  Very hard for an OCD person.  Had myself a good cry tonight.  They’re getting ver random, but I think it’s because I’ve been keeping busy,  How can I not?  I have a senior and two kids running track.  It’s definitely enough to mask and shove back things that could be going on in my head.  So they pop out randomly when I have a slow moment.

#frizzy #raincurls #badhairday