Inviting thoughts in?

Am I inviting thoughts into my kids' head if I ask them questions?  Is it leading?  Or am I just trying to keep it open and at the same time calm my internal fears?

I'm pretty much sure it's the latter.  I asked Kaelin, since she's the oldest and can convey her feelings to me better, what color she thinks she is.  We don't talk of race or color often, but every once in awhile I bring it up.  She said she's 'white'.  I compared my skin to hers and showed her that though our skin is pretty much the same color she is Asian, which isn't really a color, but race is sometimes likened to color.  I told her that when talking of skin color people will say Asians have 'yellow' skin.  She just shrugs and says she understands.  I only bring this up to make sure she's aware she is Asian and to be comfortable with it and embrace it.  I know it sounds silly to those outside adoption (interracial anyways), but I don't want her to wake up one day, look in the mirror and go 'oh crap I'm Asian' and be upset along with a multitude of other possible, relevant feelings.  And again  I know this sounds crazy that she's going to wake up one day and realize this, but a lot of Asian adoptees eventually view themselves as twinkies or bananas...yellow on the outside, white on the inside.  This isn't necessarily bad, but some adoptees perceive it negatively while others just see it as a reality of who they are or how they are viewed by others since they can never be truly Asian in culture.  We could try hard, but we're not Asian and we can replicate what it's like to grow up in a household with Asian parents.  We know this...so we embrace their culture and love it.

I asked her if anyone ever says anything to her about being Asian, Korean or if they just call her Chinese since most Asians are likened to Chinese by a lot of people.  She said no one says anything.  I even went out on a bit of a limb and asked her if anyone ever pulls at their eyes around her.  She didn't understand.  I showed her what some might do to her one day, hoping no one does, and told her that's not okay.  She can be a little naive and while naive is a good place to be sometimes, I was that way growing up, I don't want her to be naive in this area.  Not that I ever want my kids to pick every fight over every idiotic comment or connotation, but I do want them to be aware.  This sounds weird coming from a white mom, but when I was younger I had kids that pulled their eyes at me and made fun of me.  I guess partly my dark, dark eyes and then when I smile my eyes squint.  I know it impacted me some, then, because I used to look in the mirror of our hall bathroom and practice smiling without squinting so no one would say anything anymore.  When I was growing up blonde hair with almost black eyes was VERY different.  Now I see women like me more and more. and I was fine as I got older when I was younger, but when I was very young I definitely didn't like being different; as little as it was.

I know I'll never get this ever so complicated parenting thing right, but oh I try.  Moms think it's complicated to parent anyways and sometimes I try to deny that adoption made it more, not complicated, but intricate.  Adoption does put a different swing on things and while it sounds good, in theory, just to love them and bring them up, it won't work that way.  It's naive of me to think that curiosity will not be piqued out of any of my 3 younger kids on where they came from, who they came from and you can't just shut them down and tell them "it's in the past, don't worry about it".  I have no right to do that.  Just like it wouldn't be good for a child with a medical condition to not see a doctor, ignoring this piece of their life is not good for their mental health.  It doesn't have to consume them or us, but it has to out there, in the open and ready for discussion at any time.  And by bringing it up and asking my own questions I'm hopefully getting them to realize that I'm here to talk when they need to or want to.  Little by little, I get more questions out of Kaelin.  Just little questions, but I'd rather them be a little at a time so she has time to ponder and process all of 'her' information.

Voice of Love

All families who have adopted from Korea were asked to make short videos for the Voice of Love project. They are planning to send the videos to the South Korean government in an effort to allow them to hear from adoptive families and adoptees as to why adoption is important.  The Korean government has been reducing the numbers of children allowed for international adoption for some time.  I believe it's around 10% every year.  This doesn't mean there aren't any children that need adopted, it means they're trying to curb the numbers.  The only problem, is now the children are waiting longer and eventually, they could potentially end up without families at all.


This is our little video.

brotherly and sisterly love....????

Brian had the girls last night because he had to take them to religion class and pick them up. I stayed home with the 3 boys. This morning I told him I just had to tell him a funny story about the big boys from last night. He was like 'no, no, I have to tell you a funny story about the girls first'.

So he goes first and tells me how he was quizzing Chelsi on who was singing what song as he always does because she knows almost every artist. Kaelin told Chelsi that she needed to watch more CMT because she wasn't as good at it as she used to be. Chelsi sort of took offense and apparently waved her hands up in the air by her head and said 'well at least when someone asks me who sings a song I don't say Jason Aldean to everything'. BURN!  Note:  the hands went in the air waving just as she was saying 'Jason Aldean'....I could totally picture it.

I was sitting with the boys and a commercial came on for 'Hunger Games'.  I asked them if they had read the books and Cole said he had and Chase is reading one of them now.  So I asked what the story was about and Cole starts in telling me everything and right when he got to the part Chase was on, Chase sticks his fingers in his ears and starts yelling 'la, la, la, I can't hear you, la, la, la'.  I really was pretty funny because Cole just kept on going.

Those are the little moments I live for.....my entertainment.

It's Gotcha Day week

for my 2 favorite girls!  Kaelin's was Monday and Chelsi's was today.  While we don't really do anything major I had taken the girls to a free showing of Dolphin Tale on Saturday and then I took them for ice cream for their Gotcha Days since none of their brothers were with us anyways.  It was a really nice outing regardless of our very wet and stormy day....we lost power for 4 hours later that afternoon.  But, just more excuses to play games and pick up pizza since we couldn't cook.

It was a good movie, with good company and good ice cream, but since I have no idea how to get a photo from my phone (yeah I finally bought a real one late last year) to my blog I don't have a picture.  It's on facebook....that I figured out.

Love my girls and many more happy Gotcha Day memories.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

I hate that.  I know something's coming, whatever it may be.  I plan it all in my head, how it's going to go and the conversation that will take place.  And after it's all said and done, I do nothing.  Everything I mean to say and do, I don't.  I'm always afraid of sounding dumb or saying something really wrong.

We had Cole's Make a Wish meeting tonight.  The two young ladies that came out were very nice.  They tried so hard to pry out of Cole his favorite anythings.  He wasn't very giving, but Cole...well that is Cole.  Outside of hunting and fishing, he doesn't have any major sports or hobbies.  No things he has to do or see.

They asked for his wishes and he told them Korea as #1 and Cabelas as #2.  Now that they're gone, I'm having all these panics.  Just on the very off chance he gets granted for us all to go to Korea, I'm nervous.  I mean really we were planning to go there one day, but I really didn't think it would ever happen, if it does.  I didn't think we'd have the money or Cole's heart surgery would come up instead, whatever.  I figured we'd end up not going.  So now that I'm even entertaining the idea of them granting it, I'm sort of freaking out.  I mean, Jaemin and all his freaking out issues on a plane for 13 hours?  I want to believe he'll do better than I think.  And what about Brian.  if we end up on a plan to Korea that's not got much room for him to stretch he just doesn't do well since his accident.  I'm sure I'm just nervous and totally underestimating them, but it still leaves me to worry.  I'm so great at having no control over a situation anyways.  Anyone who knows me knows this is when I freak out.  :)

I'm sure he won't get it, so I'll have to try to remember that and let myself destress.  I should have told her about Brian's issues and Jaemin's issues??

Breathing again.

Those 1 Time Diseases??

I'm starting to wonder how true getting certain things once in your lifetime really is.  Chase showed me some bumps on his chest and stomach last night and I realized he has a very light case of chicken pox.  They were mostly on his abdomen, a few on his arms, neck and jaw line.  Then, his legs were covered with poison ivy, so it's hard to say if there was anything there or not, but they seemed to pretty much stop at his waistline, from what I could tell.

I called the doctor to see where he was on his vaccine for it and they said he'd had one at 2 and then again at 5 when he entered kindergarten and he doesn't need anymore right now.  I told her I thought it looked like chicken pox and she said it was funny because just a few minutes before I called she had another mom call with a 12 year old boy (Chase will be 12 in a couple of months) that also seemed to have a case of light chicken pox.  Hmmmm....me thinks they need to rethink the way this vaccine is set up.  Starting to wonder if I should have his titres checked.

Then, as I was telling a girl at work about it we got onto the subject of Kaelin and how even though you're not supposed to be able or shouldn't get chicken pox after getting the vaccine or from the vaccine she got it just a few days after getting her vaccine at 1 years old.  Just a real light case.  Then, a couple years later, before kindergarten, Cole got it and she got it again, but worse...still not terrible.  How are you supposed to know if you're immune to it if you get it a couple of times and the vaccine?  So this same girl who got the vaccine for chicken pox and still managed to get chicken pox twice, also had fifths disease twice; confirmed by a doctor.  I even questioned the doctor when I took her last month and she looked at me funny and said "yeah, you're only supposed to be able to get it once".  So weird!

Make a Wish Meeting Soon

The Make a Wish folks called tonight to set up our first meeting.  They will come out later this week to talk to all the kids to find out what all the likes and dislikes are and to talk, in-depth, to Cole.  We got the packet from them late last week and went through it to see what to expect.  Since Cole's top wishes originally were a car to drive when he turns 16 or a hunting trip and they can no longer grant those he had to rethink.

The packet says they need 2 wishes in case their number 1 can't be accomplished.  Cole told us tonight that his #1 wish it for us all to go to Korea, to which I'm very proud of him for, but don't see how they can possibly accomplish that for a family of 7.  I asked him if he had a #2 he really wanted and he said no, not yet.  He's really been struggling with this.  I told him just to tell them the truth that he doesn't have a #2 that he really, really wants and then they can help him figure something out.

I asked him if he really wanted to go to Korea and he said 'yes'.  I didn't really know he'd thought that much about it. He never talks to us about it.  Teens are so non-verbal....like having a toddler again.  I guess this should be interesting to say the least.  And while I do know of a family of 7 that were granted the trip to Korea, I think they were just lucky enough they happened to find a donor willing to pay for the entire trip.  What are the chances of this chapter finding that person?  We'll see.  All I know is we had to have copies of our drivers licenses and the kids' birth certificates (all 5) ready for the meeting, so Brian did that Saturday.  Aren't you impressed?  Brian figured out how to use the scanner, so I wouldn't have to.

Rolling with life

Still looking for a car for Cole. It's definitely not easy finding something you feel is safe enough for your 1st child and in a budget of about $2500. Hoping we'll find one in the next several months. Still glad we started early.

Beginning to get estimates on replacing our roof, gutters and screens after last weeks hail storm. Have to talk to someone about the truck yet too. I hope the weather calms down. It's not awful, just a pain in the rear! Our roof will never have time to wear out if we get bad hail storms every 7 years that takes it out.

Work, is work. I'm a little worried because we think my boss had a minor stroke today. I'm a little worried about her, but trying to stay optimistic until we hear everything from her daughter. Hopefully tomorrow will bring good news. Hate to be selfish, but I don't care to get a different boss right now.

I talked to Cole this morning and asked him if he had his list or any ideas ready for when the Wish Granters team calls. They called 4 weeks ago and said they'd be contacting us in 4-6 weeks, so it should be very soon. I reminded him of that. He said he had his wish ready, which surprises me. I asked him what it was and he said "I can't tell you". I said "why, do you think I'll be mad?". He said "no, I just can't tell you". He's just like his dad, so who knows if he was just trying to be hard to get along with, thinking he was being funny or if he just really doesn't want to tell me for whatever reason. Not like I'm not going to eventually find out.

Let's see....quarter 3 is over and the kids are doing well. Chase had all As. Kaelin had 1 B and the rest As and Cole had Bs. Hopefully Cole's 4th quarter will be slightly better. He's capable of so much, but as long as he's happy, right now, I'm pretty happy. Chelsi is getting referred for gifted testing next year. Her teacher said they usually don't put you in the program until 2nd grade and she didn't know if they'd have her wait or not, but she wants her tested. We'll see I guess.

Chelsi's had 3 weeks of gymnastics again and is loving it. She's the only one in tumbling this session, so she's getting 1 on 1 for an hour every week. She's learning to perfect her cartwheels and do backbends and handstands. I think she can do it, if she'd just keep her legs straight and trust herself more. She does really enjoy it, so I'm happy.

There's nothing better than knowing the kids have rules and structure and are finding contentment in their life. It leaves me with a lot of peace. Maybe it's just this spring weather, but it's just been so peaceful lately. I'm not on as much medication for my allergies, no asthma meds, pretty much only vitamins and life's been better!

The Help

Okay, those that 'really' know me, know I have problems reading and therefore hate it with a passion.  I can't even read a short article without losing interest.....on any topic!  It kinda stinks.  I just have so much trouble with comprehension and always have that it's like someone's torturing me with some horrible device if I even think I have to read something. 

So, Lois brings in "The Help" for another girl to read, but she's already reading something else.  Since I haven't seen the movie yet and really want to, but by the time it comes out on cable it will be a few more years, I say that I'll try it.  I mean, I can always try and since I really want to know exactly what the story is about it's worth the try. 

Who would have thought that me....who has only finished about 4 books in my ENTIRE life, and I use finished loosely, finished a 500 page book in 4 1/2 days.  I stayed up late reading.  I couldn't sleep.  When I did sleep I dreamt about the dang book.  I'd be trying to figure out what's going to happen next in my dreams.  Then, I'd wake up all made at myself because A. I wasn't sleeping well dreaming so much and B. I was getting things mixed up in my head creating the book ending in my dreams.

I finished it tonight.  I read the last 70 pages and didn't want to go another night like the last few.  I totally ignored the kids, bad mom, but I just had to finish it for my own sanity.  I had to know exactly how it turned out.  Now I really can't wait to see the movie because it's the first time "I" get to be the one who can compare the book to the movie.  Hopefully, I can remember until it comes out on cable.  Really wish we had a video store around here.

Lois, by the way, if you're reading this I totally blame you for my lack of sleep.  ;)  Enjoy Florida!

You sleep in you bed

That's what I got told last night.  Hard to believe that less than a month ago I was struggling to get some sleep because Jaemin was waking up every night and sleeping in my room and has been for 1 1/2 years.  Hard to believe all it took was reasoning with him to get him to stay in his own bed.  Reasoning with a 3 1/2 year old?  Can you really do that?  Apparently sometimes, at least.

Jaemin doesn't even try to come in my room.  Occasionally, he has a bad dream and cries at night, but that's it.  We just have to go in there for a second and it's not every night.  Last night Brian put him to bed and I came in there to tell him good night and I laid in his bed for a minute and he tells me "you go sleep in you bed, I sleep in my bed".  It makes him sound so big.  And remember when I told him to stay in bed 'til the sun comes up and that's when he can get in my bed.  Well, that works well on the weekends and he gets up as early as the sun and tootles around the house until someone gets up to keep him company.  But, weekdays are another topic.  He fights us tooth and nail to stay in bed.  He suddenly absolutely adores his bed and his sleeping time.  If you turn on his light he jumps out of bed, turns it off and covers his head back up. 

Once he gets going he's ready to go and good mood as ever.  It's time to watch the Lion King and he goes around the house singing "eeeiiihhhhaaaa peanut!".  This is what he thinks they're saying on the beginning song to Lion King.  You know the one where we all think they're saying "pink pajamas penguins on the bottom".  I think it's really called "The Circle of Life".  It took us two weeks to figure out he really was saying peanut and that he meant he wanted to watch Lion King and not Jeff Dunham.  :)

Happy, happy birthday baby

To my oldest baby who turned 15 today.  You are the happiness I discovered in the darkness.  When we lost our first baby and found out we were having you shortly after, the world was so much better.  And it got even better the day you were born.  I never thought I'd be happy or life would be so great and you proved me wrong.  I know you have so much potential and if you have confidence in you natural abilities and personality you'll be fine and do great in life.

Love you very much.

Mom

One Broke Family

Of course, I jest when I say broke because there is a savings still and we are still very much trying hard to get to Korea.  But sometimes when I see my excel spreadsheet budget dwindling down, in my head, as unexpected expenses come upon us I think of the show "Two Broke Girls".  If you've never seen it, it's about 2 girls trying to save up money so they can open a cupcake business.  At the end of each show it pops up their savings amount from the last show and either goes up or down, depending if they lost money or earned money that episode.  And, of course, as it goes up or down it sounds like the old cash register that used to be at our tiny town's local grocery store when they had dime candy and an antique register. 

Brian called me today because we've had insurance adjusters coming out.  Last week was a hail storm and the truck's paint was chipped so the guy came out Saturday and said, yes it's hail.  We also asked them to send out someone to check our roof to make sure we didn't have any damage there.  I didn't think we did, but wanted to be sure it was reported if we did.  Brian happened to drop by the house today as she was leaving and she broke the news.  We do have roof damage and we have 2 years to have it replaced.  Here's the kicker.  Our company only offers homeowner's insurance with a $1,000 deductible.  So, in my head, there I was at work, seeing my excel spreadsheet and our Korea savings going down by $1,000.  And if you knew how many years it takes us to save $1,000 you'd take a gulp too!

Such is life!

my big boy....

My first born will be 15 on Thursday.  Where did the time go?  Tonight he got his Varsity letter in wrestling.  It was kinda nice because they did freshmen and sophomores first and just had them all come up.  There wasn't supposed to be any clapping until they were all up there and coach went through his little spiel for each kid (he wrote something specific to each kid and what he though of their past and future).  When Cole was called the other boys clapped for him.  I thought maybe it was just because he was the last freshman to get called, but when they did the other grades they didn't clap like that.  They all know of his heart condition...kinda hard not to since you have to strip for weighins and they asked when they got curious about his chest scar.

I think Cole felt a little freeing when he finally told his teammates at some of those first practices.  He's never talked about it with any of his classmates and hadn't even told his best friend until about sometime last year.  He just is sort of quiet with personal things like that.  I think it surprised him with how supportive they all were and in return I think they were surprised with how tough he was.  He never gives in regardless...never weakens....always tries his best.

And tomorrow night, Cole gets his car.  We committed to buy a 1998 Blazer last night from someone that lives nearby.  And while it has a couple hundred thousand miles (close to anyways) it's in pretty nice shape and seems to run nice.  Though I had to figure out the ticking it was making and it seems like we will need to change the multi-function switch.  It's okay...the part is about $85 and I think we have some help for putting it in.  Otherwise the internet says it could cost $300 to replace.  We'll get it in.  He's SUPER excited.  It's really want he wanted and we got to stay within our budget, including taxes, so we're pretty happy too.  Now, we just have to hope that he gets some good mileage out of it before the motor goes.  We know it will eventually happen, but hopefully we get a monetary breather first.  It does look pretty nice for a 14 year old vehicle.

It was desserts only tonight and Jaemin LOVED the selection.  He really loved the green icing cupcake!

find your happy

I don't have every 'thing' I want, but I have everything I need. I don't have the very smartest kid...I'm not the very smartest person out there. I don't have a big house and the best cars. I don't have the coolest job...by a long shot. But, I have 1 husband and 5 kids. We have survived so much together and keep on going.  Maybe it's just age?  I don't know.

I just know that more and more I realize that, though I still dream everyone does, we make enough to pay our bills.  There may not be anything left at the end of the month, but if you're paying your bills it's all good.

We have survived losing a baby.  We have survived a major heart condition in a child and by God's grace he has done well longer than most.  We have survived a major accident...everyone knows how bad that could have been and was.  We will survive the next open-heart surgery too.

We have had the privilege to experience birth twice!  We have had the privilege of experiencing adoption three times!  And while all 5 were fairly stressful due to adoptions just having a habit of being somewhat stressful and all the tests during pregnancy, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.  Without each stressful and wonderful experience things wouldn't be exactly like they are today because we wouldn't have made the same decisions.

God really has taken care of us.  He made His plans well known to us; even if sometimes we were afraid to follow and did with a little fear.  Everything we needed whether it be money, a person crossing our life paths, etc., was always there right when we needed it.  I don't mean needed it for that new car, tv or whatever material things exist out there, I mean right when we needed to cover our adoptions and medical bills.

We don't have a perfect family.  Maybe when you see us on the outside we look like a perfect, loving family.  We, undoubtedly, do love each other...even if certain children won't admit it.  We are, however, NOT perfect.  We all yell and argue sometimes.  I put myself in time out from time to time...haven't had to do that in awhile though.  The kids fight amongst themselves and don't pick up after themselves and sometimes....sometimes they raise their voice to us.  GULP!  But, like I said we are family and we DO love each other.  We do a lot together.  We eat supper every night together and most weekend we eat one big breakfast together.  I don't mean in front of a television.  I mean a home cooked meal at the table together.  And we clean up together!  We're kinda dorky that way.

Our kids 'try' to get out of weekend chores and after a little yelling (sometimes) they do them.  Cole vacuums the basement rec room and their bedroom.  Kaelin picks up the rec room.  Chelsi vacuums the basement stairs and Chase cleans the basement bathroom.  Brian and I do the main floor and everything that needs cleaned otherwise.  They don't have it too bad in the chore area really.  They only have to keep their rooms picked up, which doesn't always happen, and help with the kitchen after supper.  But, once every 3 weeks one of the 3 oldest is 'off duty'.  I'm the dishwasher EVERY night.

We're a team.  And when someone forgets that, there's a family meeting to remind them that this boat don't float unless the team members do their individual parts.

I still stress like any other parent and wife.....a lot really.  But, I'm working hard on myself to make myself better to make my life better.  I know that when I feel unhappy in my life from time-to-time it's something for ME to work on and maybe something I just need to get past or let go.  I don't have control over the grades my kids get.  I don't have control over the drama at work (other than to stay out of it as much as humanly possible).  I don't have control over other people and their actions.  I am learning to let it go and sometimes try to ignore the things that, though they feel like they effect me, don't totally.  And to keep sane we must do that.

So be happy with your life.  Let it all go.  Find the happiness somewhere.  Everyone has something somewhere.  You may have to look really hard in your tough time...I know.  But, you have to look for it so you don't fall apart. 

Stinkin' allergies and sinus...I try to work

I don't know what I do different on the weekends that make my nose swell up the way it does.  Can't breath.  I finally got myself breathing better this morning and then it was just so nice out I had to get some things done.  I get moaning and groaning if I ask the boys to do the leaf blowing, so I just do it.  I fixed all our big rocks in the gravel area between our two driveways...something that had to be done after the driveways were poured.  Then since I needed to blow the leaves out of there anyways it was time to blow off the front of the house too.  There were so many leaves from fall and winter that you could have jumped off the raised porch into the pile.  I didn't want to tempt the kids.  The thought of all that leaf dust just makes me ill.  I blew it to the other side of the house, so hopefully it won't blow back.

They finished our deck this week and while it's much, much smaller than I had planned...not my decision....Brian's quick decision while they were working on it and we won't go there.  It's much sturdier than our old deck and looks nice.  When the weather gets warm in the spring we'll seal it so it doesn't wear as hard as the old deck.  The stairs are so nice....they don't shake the whole thing when you walk down them.  We had so much vinyl rail left from the old deck that we used some of it to make a little handrail for our new concrete steps.  I would so manage to fall if it's not there.  Like Brian said, this is the best the house has ever looked.  He put some siding up where we took the deck down and put mortar in the holes on the brick from the old deck.  You can't even tell it ever existed. 

Now I can enjoy spring when it comes.  But, for tonight, I will be paying for all that leaf blowing.  Kaelin (who's got a little cold) and I are a symphony of snuffs, coughs and heavy breathing.  It's very lovely.

Another appt, hopefully

Another year.

Cole had his annual cardiology appt....the usual....EKG and echo.  Doc said that his heart function looked good.  Since he sees us in a satellite office some years he doesn't have his full records with him.  So he said when he got back he'd check last years and compare size of his right ventricle to this year's tests.  He said he'll call if anything's different, so I don't expect that.  I like this guy.  He seems more patient and gives us his time, which is so important in any doctor let alone a pediatric cardiologist.

I asked him to reexplain his heart defect since it's been nearly 15 years since I've had that and I wanted Cole to hear it so he begins to understand his own health.  He will have to start taking control, so he needs to have a beginning to understanding the complexity.  It was nice that he explained how a normal heart functions and then showed him how his heart worked before surgery and now.  He explained how his patch that replaced what may have existed of a pulmonary valve is not perfect and is now not closing after the blood pushes through and it regurgitates back down into the right ventricle. The right ventricle, in turn, is filling up with both that blood and the blood that comes in after circulation through the body causing it to enlarge.  At some point, his ventricle will get tot he point it can only do so much more and that is when he will go into failure.  But, they have to catch it before the enlargement causes his right ventricle (muscle) to stretch so much that it cannot perform it's job anymore because it's stretched out so-to-speak.  It's tissue can't 'remember' at a certain point and won't pump like it's supposed to if it becomes too damaged.  Fine line.

He always seems so shocked when he asks the standard, yearly, questions of "does your heart feel funny, feel like it's skipping, thumping out of your chest or racing?", "Do you feel abnormally tired or out of breath?".  Cole always says no and it's this look of disbelief.  He told me that we're fortunate to be on year 15 of a this repair.  We already knew that though.  We know the time is very limited now.  I did ask if he can continue with wrestling off-season and next year and if he can try to get his life guard certification and he said it was all fine.  But, if he has any of those symptoms just once it's over and he's done.  I know the time is getting very limited for Cole's valve and it's very necessary replacement, but we know it's coming we know it's eventual and we know we won't get by without it.  Until then, he'll keep enjoying his life.  And the doc is always so great to tell us how great of care he's getting to be doing this well this long.  I'd like to take credit, but I think God's just been taking care of him this whole time.  For all of this we're thankful.

I probably will no longer post after his cardiology appointments to say another year because we no longer know.  We're running into borrowed time, so we will do what we did in the beginning, when he was a baby.  We'll take a day at a time and enjoy whatever until we're told otherwise.  Here's to a healthy heart.

Yummmmm!!

Made one of the best meals today.  Put some chicken in a saucepan with onions.  Put that in a bowl with a can of tomato sauce, chili season, cumin and garlic.  Then I mixed in copped zucchini and apples.  I mixed refried beans with chipolte sauce in another bowl; and a little taco sauce.  I had two 9x13 pans and spread the refried bean mixture on the bottom of each.  Then I dumped some of the meat mixture on that.  Layer with some tortilla shells.  Then a layer of cheese and another layer of tortilla shells.  Then you layer the last of the meat mixture and more cheese.  Then a last layer of tortilla shells and cheese on top.  Bake that at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes.  Then top with chopped tomatoes and lettuce.  Bake about 5 more minutes and eat.

Goes even better with strawberry shakes.  We had a healthy meal with veggies, fruit and everything all rolled into one and it was super easy and really yummy.  And it true Lisa fashion I started with one recipe and then mixed in pieces of another I'd seen and threw in some things I just thought sounded good.  As usual my taste bids didn't let me down.

Precious Sleep

While I absolutely adore a snuggle with my little man, after just under 3 years I really need a night's sleep.  No interruptions.  Finally something seems to be clicking.  I've offered candy, etc. as bribes a million times and he politely lets me know that he'd rather sleep with me than have whatever he wants.  I am what he wants.  That feels good and all, but I really need sleep.  Last week I told him I was going to lock him out and he said okay when I was tucking him in his bed.  I locked him out and, of course, he tried to come in to snuggle and couldn't get in.  He went back to his room screaming for me.  I went in and sat on his bed and got him calmed.  I turned on his Korean children's songs (I finally got him to listen to music to help him sleep and that has helped) and sat back on his bed with him to snuggle for a minute.  I told him him to look at the window.  I told him that when it was dark it was time to sleep and that I would only be across the hall in my room and I will never leave him because I love him so much.  I then told him that when the sun comes up and there's light in the window it was time to come snuggle with mom or get up and play. 

Who would have known that I would get 4 nights of sleep after that.  It's been wonderful.  One night he actually stayed in his bed all night.  The other nights he came in and I would just tell him his window was still dark and he quietly went back to his bed for the night.  One night he must have planned to sleep on my floor as usual because when I got up the quilt from the living room (that I use as his pallet) was lying on the floor.  I asked him tonight, before putting him in bed, when he should get out of bed and he happily said "when sun comes up".

He's been in such a good mood getting a good sleep and I have too, it's been great.  It may not last forever, but for whatever reason, for now, it's working to just logically talk to him and reason with him. I know.  What 3 year old is reasonable.  Apparently mine.  He's such a sweetheart!!

What to do, what to do

Such a quandary my son is in.  He has the 'chore' of coming up with something he would like to have or do.  Of course, I'm sure there is a monetary limit, so it's not the sky's the limit, but it's still a great opportunity.  As much as it is just that, it's sort of hard for him.  Think about it.  You can come up with one thing you really want to do?  Anything?  He's started a list and I've asked him to come up with a family thing too in case they ask him too.  It seems most kids' wishes include their families in some way.  He's got time, but he still needs to come up with some real ideas...which is so much harder than you think for a 14 year old.

What am I talking about?  Cole got approved for Make a Wish Foundation and the Make a Wish wish granters will be visiting us in a few weeks to talk with him and us about his ideas and to give us some ideas.  My understanding, after that, is that they go off and come up with a way to make a dream come true for him and they come back when it's all set up and the doctor gives him a physical okay (for health reasons).

I got the voicemail today from Make a Wish that his cardiologist had approved him.  I just always thought this was for terminally ill children, but if you actually read their web site, it's for kids with 'life threatening diseases'.  They throw them into different categories within that category and if their condition is 'progressive' they can be approved.

I was completely shocked to find out, but so happy for Cole.  He's had many years of being told no to so much when he felt well enough to do it, for his own protection.  He gets to be special for this now and have some sort of special experience or get something special.  I don't know what it will be in the end.  I don't know what he'll narrow it down to or what they grant.  It will be another surprise and very possibly still in 2012.  So make fun of me, 'cause yeah I cried when I heard the message.  Cole, the otherhand, was very matter of fact when I told him, but he said it will feel more real when there's  a wish.  I get that too.  He's a guy. 

The season has come to an end

Cole is done wrestling.  He definitely gave it his all and if he'd had one more win he would have made it to the final 4 for the district. But, then again he was up against a sophomore with a lot of experience.  The other 3 were the top ranked in the state.  Tough challenge.  He did well and we're so proud of him.  He wants to continue on with conditioning with one of the coaches until next season, which is his choice, but good for him.  Next year will be better, I know it.  To celebrate I bought him some nice, fattening, ice cream since he's had to watch his weight for last few months.  Hopefully the cardiologist will have good news for us in two weeks.  This will be the very first time he's competed in any sport and worked out regularly, so I can't help but wonder if or how it might affect his heart.

        Cole, I love you and I'm so proud of you.

And from his first black eye, earlier in the season.

On their own time.

This is what happens when little girls want to try out their camera.  They take goofy pictures....and these are only a few of about 80 I took off her camera.  There were a multitude of picture of each stuffed animal by themselves as well as books. 

Ups and Downs; parenting is not for whimps!

I have hurt so much, in my heart, over the years of parenting.  It's so awesome to celebrate with the kids, but when they hurt I'm not convinced I don't hurt double.  It literally hurts to see or hear them hurting.

Cole, came home from practice yesterday and was definitely upset.  It took awhile, but I got it out of him that a volunteer coach, that is not affiliated with the school in any way, said some things that I found less than an appropriate for an adult to say to a 14 year old.  He said that he 'sucked' and would 'never win a match' and 'never amount to anything'.  He cried so hard he gasped. That's so hard to watch your tough teenager do that.  The 'coach', and I say that lightly, said it quiet enough to make sure the other boys didn't hear it and he waited for the head coach and assistant coach (the teacher/paid coaches) to leave before he did it.  It was something he had planned and waited for his moment to break him.

We both talked to him for awhile last night.  We tried to talk him into bringing it to the attention of the head coach, but a part of him was afraid one of the other volunteer coaches (who is a teacher and this guy's friend) would retaliate against him, academically.  I could see that based on conversations I've had with this teacher.  So as hard as it was I said nothing last night or today.  We spoke to him again tonight and Cole says it's all fine he just wants to forget about it.  We told him he should still approach the head coach, but we decided to leave it up to him.  I asked him to write down his exact words and the date in case he pulled anything next year, should Cole decide to wrestle and I told him if he did say anything or do anything next year something will said and it will be stopped immediately.  Bullying is hard enough from your peers, which Cole has experiences, but adults?  Come, stinkin' on!

As of last night he said he wasn't going to wrestle next year, but tonight he said he probably still will.  We told him, last night, he cannot let this guy keep him from doing what he enjoys.  I would be livid if he quit after liking it so well, because of what this adult said!  As long as he still plans to wrestle, on his own terms, I won't say anything.  He seems much more upbeat today and is ready for districts.  So, while I'm still a little upset and know this guy had no place saying such a thing to any kid, I am respecting Cole's decision after much discussion.  He went out with some friends after practice (I know he was shocked I let him go too) and seemed pretty happy after all that.

I know I've said it before.  People think terrible twos and threes, etc. are so horrible.  The older your child get the harder it gets.  The harder the hurts are for them and that hurts so much on mom.  Now, I'm praying, like crazy, and if you can pray too that would be great, that there will be an upset at districts and somehow he'll be a state qualifier.  I want nothing more than for this heart kid to do things no one thought he ever would.  I don't mind watching my kid lose, honestly.  It's not about bragging rights, but for all the other heart kids out there and just for his spirit I want to see him go just that far!

#1 Question Adoptive Parents (and other parents) seem to have...

How do I know when my family is complete?  Now, if you do not belong to online forums then you probably don't know what I'm talking about.  But, on adoption forums, particularly, this is a topic that comes up quite often.  I use to wonder it myself and would read all of the responses waiting for that magic answer to tell me when that wanting feeling, that anxious gnawing, in my heart, would go away.

I don't remember anyone explaining it in any other way other than saying they 'just knew'.  I can definitely say I know or at least am 99% sure.  I like to leave the other 1% for God intervention on expanding a family.  The best way I, however, can explain it is to say it's the moment when you look at your kids and your heart feels completely full.  It's the moment when, adoptive parents, don't peruse waiting children sites anymore with thoughts other than "gosh I hope they find a family that can love them and take care of them".  It's the moment when you look at the profile of a waiting child you realize that even minor issues can become more involved and you have enough on your plate.  It was the moment when I realized that Jaemin's needs for me to be with him and involved with him outrank any other child (other than my other 4) on the face of this Earth right now.  It was the moment I realized that I don't want to divide my time any further because I need to be with him as much. 

Okay, so maybe that doesn't help a non-adoptive parent.  But, I guess you can insert your newborn baby for waiting child profile except it's the idea of it rather than the baby existing yet?  Don't know if that makes sense anymore.  I guess my point is I knew it when it happened.  It wasn't instant.  It was definitely something that took time.  Maybe it's my age or that's part of it, not that I'm old by any stretch.  And I definitely think this is why agencies (good ones) want you to take time with your new child so you can figure out what their needs are and yours.  You can figure out if maybe they need you and there's not a good time to add to.  6 months or even a year, honestly, is not enough time for this. 

This is what works for our family.  I'm done having my own.  I'm happy right where we are and it really is a great feeling.  So much better this feeling is than the one when someone was missing just 3 1/2 years ago.  Each child of mine filled a little hole in my heart like a puzzle.  Jaemin was that last piece that you celebrate over because the hard work of putting it together is over and it's time to just adore your masterpiece.  The easy times and hard times of life all led us down this road and we landed right where we were supposed to.  Getting 5 hugs every night from 5 great kids that I love.

I have a driveway!

So excited that my driveway is finally done!  We can drive on it on Monday.  And it poured this weekend and no traveling gravel for once.  It will be so much easier to keep up with.  He gave us the bill this morning and it's exactly what the bid said, so we're perfectly happy with his work and cost.

Us staying on target for the things our home loan will pay for (the updates and fixes to the house) are so important for us to hopefully go to Korea.  Watching the budget, I'm still pretty nervous about the thought of being able to go in 2013.  I get so nervous, but feel pretty strong about the need for us to go before something keeps us from going as a complete family.  Yet, I've had this sort of weird calmness about me since the first of 2012 that everything will be just fine and we'll get our dream trip to Seoul. I'm going to keep on praying, keep on saving and keep on hoping we'll get there and by the end of this year hopefully we'll have some plans started.  Gulp!

Kids are naturals with technology

You have to show and adult how to work a computer and mouse.  Kids, on the other hand, are naturals and very easily just pick it up and figure it out.

Jaemin is no exception.  He has his little preschool games and we got a wireless mouse so he wouldn't have to use the mousepad on the laptop.  He zips around his game like he's been playing it all along. He really does love playing and begs to get it all out.

I dare (gross factor alert)

sleep in the same room as a sick little boy.  Jaemin rarely throws up from being sick with a stomach bug...maybe one other time in 3 years.  But, he definitely has a stomach bug.  Poor guy was fine as can be and all of a sudden started crying real hard and slobbering.  And then he promptly puked on Brian. We chloroxed all the door knobs and switches and I cleaned up the chair and floor (thank goodness for hardwood floors) while Brian gave Jaemin a bath to clean him up and make him feel better.  It was so much.  Poor belly must be empty now.  He played and splashed in the tub and was happy as can be, so I'm hoping he'll get over it quickly.  We'll see if he makes it through the night.  He's got a nice little pallet of blankets on the floor in my room.  Unfortunately he has to sleep in shorts tonight because he wet his pants 2 or 3 times tonight and went through all of his pajama bottoms.  I'm guessing that maybe him being sick had something to do with it.

Poor baby Jaemin, I love you and hope you feel much better soon.

Making lemonade

I'm spoiled sometimes and well aware of it.  However, since we have a house, I get a garage.  I'm totally spoiled by this.  We've been saving and we finally have the money and found someone to do the job for the money; we are pouring concrete in the rest of our driveway.  It's awesome and I can't wait!  No more trying to shovel snow and pulling up the rocks in the driveway along with the snow and dumping them in the yard.  No more gravel running down our steep driveway onto the concrete portion at the bottom; both creating a risk to anyone even slowly walking on it or forcing the boys to constantly have gravel that has to be swept.  Better yet no more gravel to roll to the bottom drive causing Chase and his amazing ripstik riding to trip and fall on the rocks as soon as the wheels lock on them. 

They started some of it on Friday last week.  We moved the cars out of the upper garage and down to the lower driveway.  No big deal.  But then they decided to pour the whole driveway at once.  This means no driveway at all.  This means parking on the street, which has very little shoulder and trying to balance my car to keep some wheels on the shoulder for traction while moving it as far into the yard as I can so no one takes out my mirrors in a hurry.  Then we get to walk through the yard (and it's not a tiny city yard) to get to the house.  No problem.  In the mornings I drag all 5 kids to the car and keep Jaemin from getting on the street and getting him into the van.  But, tonight....of course, I needed to run to get Brian's neuropathy meds and I had some coupons I wanted to check out the prices of things to use before they expired.  And of course, the store had an awesome sale and on a lot of the things I also had coupons for.  Even the milk was cheaper and we've been going through milk like water.  So I bought 4 gallons of milk and $45 more in groceries.  My cart was heaping, but because of the sale and coupons I only spent $60 total.  I digress and got off subject.  Not thinking I could no longer just walk from my garage stall to the pantry door I bought 6 of those reusable Walmart bags full of groceries.  I was smart though.  I called Brian and said "I'm on my way.  Meet me at in front of the house with the kids' wagon."  Worked like a charm.  We put all of the bags with the heavy items in the wagon, carried the rest and were in the house in one trip and three people (me, Chase and Brian). 

Wasn't near as traumatic as I thought it was going to be.  You see, I was already kinda in a mood because Brian said the concrete guys didn't come out today, but we still can't use our driveway becaue they 'started' the rod, haven't finished the rod or concrete and didn't do anything today either....dragging it out one more day.  I'm really hoping for some concrete tomorrow.  Remember you can't drive on it for a week after it's poured in colder temps.  Soon, it will look so nice!  And no more weeds to kill in my drive!  I'm spoiled, I whine sometimes and I don't care.

Just because.....

I haven't taken any pictures of Jaemin in awhile and he changes so much at this age, so, just because, here are some pictures that are definitely his sunny personality.

Well...

Speech therapy is a go and they recommend 30 minutes a week.  So while it's more than a mild speech problem it's not terrible either.  They said most kids wouldn't quite qualify under state standards, but because Jaemin had SO many sound issues he did qualify. 

He didn't qualify for occupational therapy.  The results came back that he has more than sensory processing disorder tendencies and some fine motor area problems, because he doesn't also have gross motor problems or some other major area, he doesn't qualify for therapy by state standards.  But, if he doesn't progress in these areas they will reevaluate down the road.  Until then the OT can give us some pointers on things we can try at home and we're hoping the speech therapy may help his sensory if he is able to communicate with us better.  They figured his audible speech at about 50%.  I'm pretty happy with it all at this point.  He has an IEP for one year, but he never has to requalify.  At the end of 2012 they will just decide if he has progressed enough to go out or continue.  He may even have to go to speech during the summer, but they will decide that in May depending on how he retains what he learns these next few months.  He should start next week.  I'm not happy my child has a delay, but so happy that after 1 1/2 years of pursuing an answer we have a possibility and people who see the same things we do.

On a side note, looks like our family gets to go to a Cardinal game!  The kids are super excited.  I had written the Cardinals to let them know how rude their employees were after we waited in line for almost 2 hours in 25 degree temps and they apologized and are sending all 7 of us to a game in June.  It's probably going to be bleacher or nose bleed seats, but that's all we can ever afford anyways, so we're good with it!  Woohoo!

YAY! Progress!

I have to go to school for a meeting tomorrow.  They're setting up an IEP (individualized education plan) for Jaemin.  He qualified for speech!  While that's not going to take care of all of his issues, we've been chasing providers and trying to get help for over 1 1/2 years.  After a couple of evaluations, filling out questionnaires and having an outside entity evaluate the school's findings they determined my baby boy needs speech therapy.  I feel like maybe, there's a chance it will help him catch up in other ways.  His social/emotional development should be aided by this.  He's already improved, some, in this area, but I'm hoping this will help him further.   I don't yet know if he's qualifying for occupational therapy with the school.  As much as the therapist wanted to get him in, it's harder to qualify for.  When I talk to the head of special services tomorrow I should find out everything.  And if he doesn't qualify for OT now we can have him reevaluated later.  The great thing is he's only 3 1/2 and won't go to school for 2 1/2 years.  That means 2 1/2 years with the right services to help him catch up to his peers.

While I have my reservations and don't want to believe that all of his quirks will subside with this, it's better than nothing and it's still a chance at it for my Jaemin.  He'll love getting to go to school anyways.  He'll feel so big.

Cardinal Fans?

I won't go into major detail, but I took our kids to a Cardinal Caravan meeting and, while the players were great, Mike Shannon and the administrative lady that was with them had no class at all.  They were accusatory that we brought things we didn't, etc.  Another person I know was told she couldn't even go on-stage with her 4 year old.  They decided they didn't want parents going through the line at all.  Uhhh really.  You expect parents just to send their kids through when, while the child might be a fan, they're still too young to know how to go about getting an autograph.  Really rude!  I felt bad for the players.  They weren't allowed to talk or say anything to the kids as they walked through. Only Chase really realized what all was going on and it's sad that an 11 year old could be a lost fan all because of the way two people conducted themselves.

However, in the end, the kids that were with me, got autographs of David Freese, Jaime Garcia, Shelby Miller, Kerry Robinson and John Costello.  Now, remember we already had Kerry Robinson's autograph from a couple of years before a game.  However, Mr. Chase dropped his hat in Alabama this summer and someone stole it.  So, he now has Kerry Robinson's autograph again, along with the others.  Since Chelsi and the other kids didn't need Kerry's I asked Kerry to sign Jaemin's hat, so he graciously did and then gave it to John Costello to sign too.  They weren't being watched as closely by the classless lady, so they didn't mind.

Chase also wanted Fred Bird's autograph, so we stopped for that.  We all did decide that 1 hour and 45 minutes in 25 degree weather wasn't worth the hassle we were given for autographs and will never do this again. 

My pretty project....so happy.

Saw this on some blogs and Pinterest and HAD to do it.  We had some scrap lumber that was already stained this, non-matching, color.  I got a paint pen and ruler and went to town following the instructions online. Then, we made it fit for our house.  I got out the old baby books for all of the kids and wrote down all of their past measurements.  I will surely take more care to measure them all on their birthdays now that I have somewhere to put them.  It was sort of fun seeing such close or far away measurements on some of the kids.  And it's never put away.  It's always out for all to see as a household decoration....even better!  What did it cost me?  Well, a bottle of black paint around the edges (I had it, but maybe $2) and a paint pen that cost $2.  Woohoo!  I love it!  Something similarish at Pottery Barn for $59. 

Can working moms be good moms?

Yes.  We are not worse moms than a stay at home mom.  I know they are working moms too, but we get the responsibility, and no it's not always by choice, to work on someone else's clock all day long and come home to work some more.  And I'm not even talking about anything related to taking care of the kids.  But, being a working mom, outside of the home, doesn't mean someone else is raising your kids.  It doesn't mean you have no time for your kids.  It doesn't mean your a disconnected mom.  In fact, for a lot of us, I think we just find other ways of accomplishing it all and finding our own niche for our family.

For our family, it's having a good husband and dad and raising our kids to be independent kids that don't expect to have the best of everything and can wait for what they need even.  We get each other.  We work it out so that all the chores get done without making someone feel overwhelmed; no house cleaners or cooks afforded here.  While working part time I found out I didn't have any more time then I did when I was working full time, but stressed much more about paying our bills.  Forget luxury, we were living off our savings for that year.  So, when I went back to work it was with a new outlook.  I was not going to stress about the small stuff.  Just get done what had to and make sure I spent what time I could with the kids and didn't dwell on it and punish myself and let myself feel bad when I knew I had done everything I possibly could to the absolute best of my ability.  When I'm at work I give them my all.  When I'm at home I leave work and give my family my all.

That doesn't mean that family doesn't encroach on work.  I mean come on...I'm a mom.  If Cole calls and says 'mom, coach says I need to go to the doctor or I can't wrestle', I get off the phone, get him in somewhere and one of us gets him in right away.  And yes, this happened....twice.  I spend many hours in the car with the kids which is a great time to talk to them.  They can't get away from you.  I love doctors appointments, orthodontics, etc.  It's one-on-one time with them.  I spend at least 1/2 hour driving them to or from the location with their undivided attention.

I made a vow when I came back full time that I would still watch my leave time, but not be such a miser with it.  I've worked there for 15 years always saving it for an emergency.  And while that served me well so I could take maternity leave 5 times, take off with Cole for his heart and appendectomy and Brian for some of his hospital stay, it's time.  I promised myself that if the kids had school stuff and wanted me there I would be there.  That's how I got to go to Chelsi's awards, Jaemin's Christmas party and hopefully Cole's 1st round of district wrestling.  I'm trying to enjoy every bit of my life to the fullest while remaining responsible to my family.  I take my time to cuddle the kids at night, sit on the floor of the kitchen to have little talks with Kaelin about growing up and just let down my guard and have fun with all of them.

Doesn't mean mom's a pushover though.  I will still give reminders about gradually dropping grades, being mean to each other and disrespectful or forgetting your chores or obligations.  I'm still their mom, not their friend.   But, I have to say the last few months, even with icky stuff that goes on at work I've been happier.  It's an outlook to some extent.  It's thinking and believing that this year is a new start and a great year.  Mom's can do it all, depending on how they view things and allocate their time.  Even some stay-at-home moms don't allocate their time to their children.  No group is perfect.  It's still a personal decision and choice on the detail of what you do with every second.  Make every second count and enjoy them and yourself on the ride.

Thank God we have almost 14 months!

To find Cole a car.  I'd love to have his actual car for when he gets his permit in 2 months, but at the rate of my pickiness and budget constraints we may never find something.  I'd really like something safe...with airbags.  At least his birth year would be great.  And, oh yeah, around $2,000?

I'm sure there are folks that read this thinking yeah, your kid doesn't need their own car.  But, you have to understand there is NO transit here, so if he ever gets a job he will need it.  Then, if he doesn't wreck it like most kids do their first one, it will become Chase's.  I have a feeling we're going to possibly have to spend a little more for something we trust (who cares what it really looks like, for the most part).  Yikes that's going to hurt and seriously encroach on going to Korea.  But, what choice do you have....go to Korea......or have a safe car for my new driver?  No brainer!  Wish me luck in my year long endeavor.

Kid with Character

I know that quite a few kids get these awards, but nonetheless, I'm still proud of Chelsi for getting a character award in Hardwork/Motivation at school.

Here's what the teacher had to say about her:
"Chelsi is always eager to learn and ready for any activity I introduce in
class.  Chelsi not only completes her assignments but will help her
friends who are struggling.  Chelsi has a very positive attitude and needs
no encouragement to work.  She is highly motivated!"

She was having a sub that day, so I took a quick pic, but since one of her friends snuck in I won't post it here.

Closeness

They crack me up sometimes.  Kaelin and Chase are pretty close.  Definitely the closest of the siblings.  When we went to one of Cole's tournaments we had an extra seat in the van since Cole went on the bus.  I would have thought Chase would want the empty seat in the middle, all to himself.  No.  He chose to sit in between the girls so they could play and watch a movie the whole time.  1 1/2 hour drive like this and they were all perfectly content.

I think I passed it on?

I was up bright and early at 5 am. I couldn't breath through my nose and my throat was on fire. After Brian and Cole came back from deer hunting I made a quick run to urgent care so I could do someone some good. Not so sure it actually did any good though. The doctor said they're not sure if it's viral or bacterial going around and said I have 7 more days of it, more than likely. I'm hoping all the Vitamin C I've been taking will help cut it shorter. I think, I might feel slightly better than yesterday, but not sure yet. All I know is I'm happy I can at least breath through my mouth, no asthma. YAY!

I will get through.  I'll be fine, but I'm sad thinking I may have given it to Jaemin.  My poor baby has been kind of stuffed up for a couple of weeks off and on, but now he sounds like he's pinching his nose closed.  The same way I've been sounding.  The thought of his nose, ears and throat hurting as much as mine have been is killing me.  I don't want my baby to hurt.  He can barely talk enough to tell us and I do not want him to just have pain.  I sucked his nose after I sprayed some saline to help unstuff him a bit, but all I ended up doing was busting a blood vessel and he had a little bloody nose.  He's been sort of out of sorts all day.  Flapping more than usual, etc.  Of course, since I've been sick, he hasn't exactly been brushed until tonight.  You have to stick with it to help.  Gave my poor guy some decongestant, cough suppressant and tylenol before bed.  Hopefully, he'll sleep comfortably tonight.  He slept with me all night last night and slept pretty sound.  I think it's good for him to have one night of uninterrupted sleep even if it means him in my bed.  A rested Jaemin is definitely a happy Jaemin.

Words can never explain how I feel about Jaemin and his arrival to our family.  He is the cork in my heart that sealed it shut after he filled it up.  He is the little boy that melts my heart everyday just looking him and looking at the way I know he adores me.  Jaemin is a bundle of energy that never relents.  But, his innocence and how he never wants to hurt anyone, only looks for love and fun, makes me love him more everyday.  He's what every child should be like.  Full of love, hope and belief in all good things.  I love Jaemin so much and we have a connection that's so strong.  He's definitely his mommy's sweet, baby boy.

Cold, flu or allergies?

I'd normally not really care, but since I'm really trying to track my reactions and figure out if my honey, cinnamon and vitamin C are working it sure would be nice to know.  Last year I would have just tracked my butt into the doctor to have him run a strep and flu test, but my deductible this year is double last year's and I'm trying to budget out my office visits.  So much is going around at work, so I'm going to assume it's a virus of some sort.  Which I actually hope because it's so depressing to think for a second my natural cures aren't working for my allergy problems and I'm not even in the throws of the seasons yet.  I go to an integrative doctor next week to see if he has other suggestions for natural remedies to take care of my allergies and I'm hoping he has great suggestions....other than accupuncture because insurance does NOT cover that at all. 

While I toughed it out at work, I've been kind of a baby tonight.  I got to work, felt like death and was going to go home after getting a few more things done and low and behold I looked at my calendar.  Dang if I didn't have a meeting that it took 2 weeks to schedule with someone and it was at 2pm.  Pointless to go home at 3, so I just stuck it out all day.  Brian made me chicken noodle soup for supper, the home made kind.  I got myself a HUGE glass of orange juice, took my vitamin's C and D and rented a free pay-per-view we had.  Then, I decided I didn't want to forget my honey, so I made my honey water.  By the way, I tried honey comb and not near the same effect.  Maybe it was my cold or whatever coming on, but my nose was more stuffed than usual. 

I sit here, typing because I'm tired, yet awake.  Maybe from the sugars of honey?  I don't know.  Hoping I'm better enough by Monday to not need to go to the doctor and be on my way, again, testing my honey allergy theories.  I SO need this to work for my body and my small pocket book and dwindling insurance benefits.

o

Fun times...really fun times

I kid....sorta.

Poor Jaemin got about a week break in his nasty reactive airway cough and nasty nose.  It's back.  Poor boy coughs and coughs in the middle of the night and constantly swears his nose is running.  The feeling that his nose is running just drives him nuts so he cries until I wipe it.  Jaemin's back on the nebulizer, but he's just like Chase was when he was little....more accepting of it everyday.  He's so cute and I just buzzed his hair, so here's the picture.  By the way, I wouldn't normally buzz it, but I was losing daylight and had to hurry.

The girls were sent home this note tonight.  Basically the school is trying to do more household projects so more parents get involved and they work on character.  So, this month's was about chores.  They wanted the kids to pick a job they're responsible for daily and see if they can do it 3 days in a row without being reminded.  Then, we get to fill out the questions regarding the experience.  Chelsi doesn't really have a daily job that she needs reminded to do because her ONLY daily job is making her bed.  So I decided she should vacuum the two small rugs in the living room every night.  You guessed, she already forgot.  But, she was fine and happy doing it.  :)

Boy talk

Boys are....well....boys are so weird compared to girls.  They don't dance around and try to be kind they make fun of each other and that IS being kind.  Since Chase got his braces on Cole's been calling him braceface every day.  Chase doesn't really care, which is good, but it's gets old.  And, a couple of weeks ago we found out Cole had ringworm he contracted during wrestling.  It's not a worm for those of you that don't know.  It's basically a fungus and his was barely noticeable, but luckily his coach is so versed in these fungi, that he sent him to the doctor right away.  From that point, Chase was calling Cole worm boy.

So last night I was doing dishes and for some unknown reason they both ended up in there, to aggravate me I'm sure.  It was the good 'ole cough/sneeze name call.  So all I heard for 15 minutes was acchhhhwormboy.  Then, I'd hear giggling from both boys, like little girls and Cole would pipe in hhhccchhhbraceface.  So mature I know.  Glad they find humor in each other at least sometimes.  Such a proud mom I am.  :)

Vacation? Let the planning begin

So, we had planned to use my mom's timeshare for a little localish vacation.  Just something to get away.  With the crazy schedule of 2 full time working parents and 5 crazy kids ages 3-14 I thought we'd need it.  But, then mom said I could look into an exchange.  Hmmm....sounds interesting.  Well, we have a limit.  Brian can only take being in a car for so long.  He was kinda always that way, but even moreso after his injury.  His muscles get bound up, so-to-speak, and it can cause his neuropathy and spasms to get worse just sitting in a tight, confined area for so long...even with short breaks.  So, I looked to get over the first hurdle of distance since we can't afford to fly all 7 of us anywhere.  Then, after I narrowed it down to a day drive (long day, but only 1) I needed to narrow it down to places with a room big enough to hold all 7 of us.  There aren't as many as you'd like to think.  Not all 2 bedrooms are made equally according to their rules.  I thought San Antonio TX sounded interesting.  I've never been there and my last stay in TX was very short and I was only 17.  Looked like there was lots of free things we could do.  Mom didn't think she'd get this place, but she got an email the very next day that we could go.  So, YAY!  We get to vacation again this year and it looks awesome!  Without mom, I'm not sure we would have ever had a family vacation.  Even when there were only 3 or 4 of us, we had no money to take any cool, fun vacations and taking the whole night stay cost out of it makes an enormous difference.  We're still hoping she can get a suite for her and Joe, 'cause it's kinda fun all vacationing together.  But, we're still thankful for the chance for anything.

And, I know some people are thinking if you're trying to save for Korea so bad, etc. why are you going?  Well, here's my answer, in case anyone thinks it's there business.  We don't know if we'll ever really get to go to Korea.  It's getting to be more of a dream than a goal.  The plane tickets are getting out of range for a family of 7 on our income.  I mean, you have to admit that almost $2,000 a ticket x 7 is a lot.  Do I still want to try to go?  Absolutely.  But my point is that I also know how short life is after Brian's accident.  In case we don't get to go anyways, and the little we'll have to spend without hotel costs is minimal, we want to make as many memories as we can with the kids.  Soon enough Cole will be grown and gone.  There's a decent possibility Brian will continue to lose muscle function.  I know I am not the only one that notices his walking is getting harder for him and way more noticable that he is having trouble.  There is a reality that a lot of spinal cord injury patients that recover their function after their accident will actually end up losing it again.  Some people manage to make it 20 years before stenosis, etc. and some don't.  We're enjoying life and doing everything we can before what life did to him 4 years ago decides our borrowed time is up.  We do NOT want to regret a second and just wishing and dreaming our lives and our memories away and having no time left.  It's not like we have to take a loan out to do this, and we wouldn't if we did.  That would be irresponsible.  We're going to grab every chance we have to have fun together and are fortunate mom is giving us yet another chance to do something as a family on a limited budget.

So, I'm cautiously excited to plan our sight-seeing vacation and just chillaxin' by a beautiful pool for a week!

Hello 2012

Welcome.  I have great plans for you.  I have plans for me to be a better, more patient mother.  I have plans to get a little more exercise and am hopefully on my way to being more natural with my allergies.  I'm excited for a new start and am thinking there are good things in store for us.

We did a little New Years Eve, but it wasn't totally intentional, just circumstantial.  'Cole, Tommy, Alex and Will came over to give Chelsi her Christmas presents.  They weren't doing anything, so Nicole suggested a taco bar for dinner.  So we invited Jay, Shannon and Sawyer, but only Jay and Sawyer could come.  Of course, all were in bed before midnight, but we still had a nice time to catch up and it was so nice to see Jaemin and Sawyer playing with tattling or fighting.  Apparently, Sawyer just told her dad that Jaemin is her best friend.  Where do 3 year olds get this stuff?

Jaemin shared his Thomas with Sawyer.

Today, Chase started off the year with his braces.  He only got 4 of his top brackets on and, of course, chose green and grey for his school colors.  He will get the bottom 4 next week and then 4 more on top after a couple more permanent teeth come in.  Very luckily, he lost a tooth on New Year's Eve and it turned out to be the one all of the orthodontists we saw and our dentist thought was fused to his jaw bone.  So, that was one less tooth to pull later and best of all I could quit worrying about how much it was going to hurt Chase getting pulled!  3 more baby teeth need to come out, but he said they might come out in the next couple of months so we're giving them time.  He also got spacers put in and bumps.  Next week he'll get the rings put on his back teeth to hold them back.  Chase said this afternoon he can already feel the pull on the one tooth on top that has crossed his bottom teeth.  The bumps are put on his back teeth so that he cannot close his mouth all the way.  That way when his cross-bite begins to fix they will clear each other as one goes back and the other one gets pulled forward.  He said he's pretty sure this will completely fix him with no future treatment needed and in about 12 months.  He will definitely be out of braces by 8th grade.  I'm so glad we held off long enough to get in with this new guy.  He found a different plan of treatment for us that was about 1/3 the cost of the original guy I went to (there have been 4!).  He's fresh out of school and graduated pretty high in his class and Chase feels really comfortable with him.

Here's one of my baby boys in his green and grey!

And, knock on wood, using local bee honey has been really helping me.  I'm off all allergy meds including my nose spray.  It was the last I was willing to give up, but needed to try.  1 week of honey and cinnamon and I haven't had an asthma attack since I started.  I don't know how or why, but I had actually been having them more frequently after getting off Advair (after it caused pneumonia and dysphonia) and I've been doing really well.  Now the place that sells the honey is leaving me some beeswax to try.  She said the pollen's more potent in it, so I'm going to take it easy at first because I get itchy after eating the honey, like all over my body.  But it goes away and I'm hoping to build up immunity to it all and hopefully by the time the season really sets in I'll be ready to go and drug free!  YAY!