this is my truth

Maybe if I actually write it all out, I'll accept it and give my my own hopes and dreams for my kids and let them have their own.  I shouldn't even say hopes and dreams as much as  letting them suffer the repercussions of their actions or nonactions.

I love my kids, I love my husband, but we are not perfect.  We're not perfect spouses, we do not have a perfect marriage and we do not have perfect children nor are we perfect parents.  My struggle is and has been, for a long time, watching Cole  struggle so much in school.  I sometimes wish I had known then what I know now.  I wish I had known that heart conditions come with neuro delays in emotional  and social areas and ADHD is extremely common to go along with the difficulties of a heart condition as serious as his.  Maybe then, I would have gotten an IEP.  Then, when he was younger would he have gotten more help and been a more  confident student.  Maybe he just really never did care?  Maybe it's time that I just let go and realize that regardless of his inattention to school and the ability to really dig in and study due to his heart condition or maybe not due to his heart condition, there is nothing I can do.  I can't help him.  I can't change things.  We have bribed him in every way possible.

It is no doubt that since he found out about having his surgery his grades have slid.  He's been able to barely get that B average and slide in there, but now it's not even that.  It's not terribly lower, but lower.  I know he's scared.  He won't say it.  He won't admit it, but what teenager wouldn't be scared of something so big they've never encountered before?  I know some teenagers take this kind of life and flourish.  They don't let it get to them.  He's just not that kind of kid.  I don't think he really doesn't think he has to get good grades and do something with his life.  I think a part of him, right now is paralyzed with some fear.

I need to let go.  I need to let go of the hope of him becoming 'that' kid.....'that' student.  The one who doesn't let the disease get to them and no excuses.  He is scared, he does let it get to him and he just is who he is.  He's not going to suddenly pull his grades up and say "hey, I'm in charge of my future and I care".  There.  I said it.  I'm saying it and hoping I can let  it go.  I'm hoping I can quit trying to fix it.  Let him really fix it or......not fix it and fail on his own.  I will always love him.  I will always care, but I can't do it for him.  I've tried for years to help him.  It's time he does it for himself.  I don't want to ever be able to say I told you so.  I will always have hope that he will get it, but I can't dream about that anymore.  He is his own person.  After Saturday he will only have one more year until adulthood.  I can keep trying to help him and give him my pearls of wisdom when he'll hear it, but it is HIS life.